To have another baby

[namechangeokay]

I had a baby four months ago and I think I’m pregnant again. I’m not 100% sure but I’m fretting about it already so could do with some opinions/advice. I’ve done six pregnancy tests. Four clear blue which were all faint positives though one I did last night was much stronger than the days before. Two negatives on FR which I did four days ago. Going to get hold of another FR tonight but they don’t do them in my local Tesco so haven’t been able to.

I’m in my mid-twenties and before my son had been told I’d never have children due to my chronic illness. So of course it was a surprise and I didn’t have the easiest pregnancy. Having a baby has hit us hard financially. We weren’t trying for another baby and hadn’t planned on having one for at least another few good years. Had a couple of accidents and took the morning after pill both times, and have been using condoms (I can’t take any other form of contraception for medical reasons).

I only tested on a whim because I had started experiencing some things I had in pregnancy.

I love my baby to bits, and though I’m pro-choice, knowing how much I love him I’m just not sure I could have an abortion, I’m worried about what it would do to be mentally when I already have mental health issues.

My family would be furious with me understandably. My partner is neutral about it and has said if I am, he’ll do whatever I want to do. That although it’s really not good timing, it is what it is and we’ll get through it.

I’m going to do another test this evening and tomorrow morning and see what happens, but while I’m sat here fretting I was just wondering if I could get some advice/opinions.

Has anyone else had babies this close in age, and what was it like?

If I am, would it be absolutely crazy to keep it?

Thank you.

It sounds like you do want this baby. It won’t be easy having two close in age but it’s doable. I had a friend who had two with a similar gap as what your two
Will be and she found it hard when they were very young but it got easier as they got older. Congratulations.

I know several people with small age gaps, it’ll be hard to start with but it means you get the baby phase out of the way all in one go (I had a big age gap between mine and it was hard to adjust to having a baby again, remembering to carry all the baby stuff around with me and all that) plus it means they’ll always be the right age to play with each other which is another struggle I have with a big age gap, a 3 year old and 8 year old have very different interests!

I understand worrying about your family being furious, I had the same when I had my second but really it’s not their place to be furious, unless you live with them or depend on them financially it’s really none of their business.

Unless you depend on your family significantly, it's fuck all to do with them. Why would they be "furious"?

It does sound like you want to keep this baby OP and that your partner will be supportive. Your opinion is what matters.

Obviously I’m not sure if I definitely am due to the FR being negative. I’m going to keep testing. I don’t depend on family financially and am renting a three-bed house so do have the room. I just know it won’t be easy...

It sounds like you want the baby. You can always speak over your options and what you'd like to do with the pregnancy.
End of the day it's your choice not anyone else's what you do. I had my first DD in 2015 when I had her everyone said oh don't get pregnant again it will be to much just stop at one . By November 2016 I'd had another baby.
I now have three and they honestly make my life feel complete.
Don't worry about what family say I always think we'll it's me raising them not you? Therefor it's my choice how many we have.

Also I won't sugarcoat it. It was hard with two under two together but they are best friends now they don't do something without the other. And tbh it was actually easier going from 2-3 as they have such a great bond. The hardest things I found was a double buggy manoeuvring that around and at first when my DD met the baby she was jealous for the first few weeks, it soon passed. It was actually a really lovely time and still is now.

I have a similar age gap. It was hard I can't lie. I thought the baby stage would be the worst and it was physically, but in fact it got harder when the youngest started walking and they were constantly squabbling over toys etc which was mentally so draining.

However, there are advantages. I love that it's all "over and done" with in one quick swoop. They are four and almost three now and life is starting to return to some semblance of calm. All the baby shit is out of my house, the youngest starts preschool in September and I'm returning to university do a masters in September. They have similar interests so days out etc. are easy. I would hate to have a four year old and a baby now and try to juggle the competing needs. Most importantly they are finally at an age where they are playing nicely together more than they fight (though they still do!) so I'm hopeful that they will get on great in another year or so.

I will say, if you don't think you'll cope very well there's no shame in considering a termination. I had one last year. While obviously it's not a pleasant experience I have no regrets either. You know your limits and what you can cope with. Good luck

I have a 14 month age gap. Being pregnant and having a baby was hard (I also have a disabled child who was 8 at the time).

I won’t lie it was hard but so is having a baby and an energetic 3 or 4 year old and people do that all the time.

You’ll be fine. Mine are 13 and 15 now and I like the close age gap. One day I’m sure they’ll be friends 😂.

For me it would depend on many factors. If finances are already tight than that will only get worse and impact on the existing child. What happens if you split with your partner, do you have the finances and physical health (you mention illness) to care for two children?

If your family “would be furious” that suggests they feel this wouldn’t be a good decision? Do they have valid concerns?

It’s doable but it will be hard.

I thought the pre 1 months were hard and then we hit toddler-dom! Wow! My DD is 18 months now and the idea of having a baby at the same time is terrifying!

Fr are best so check with dr before you make decisions.

Also seriously check the nursery bill for 2 under 2 at once. It's not pretty.

If you do have another child so quickly you really need to find a contraception that works as you may end up with three or four children in quick succession.

I have a 14m gap and it's lovely. Yes it's hard at times but being a parent is hard. It goes through peaks and troughs.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but stop testing. If you're pregnant then you're pregnant. Wasting money on numerous tests is only going to make you financially worse off than you already are.

Give it a week, do one more test. If you want the baby then keep it. You'll manage, people do. If you definitely don't want the baby then you have options but from what you've written it doesn't sound like you don't want it.

@justanotherneighinparadise Unfortunately I can’t go on any other form of contraception bar the copper coil which at the moment I don’t really want

Stop doing so much testing. You are throwing away money. Test again in 3 weeks. Stop for now.

If you really didn't want another kid then you shouldnt have had a few accidents that required morning after pills, to be real with you.

And jeez if you are pregnant and money was already tight. Girl you better get your tubes tight considering you are super fertile by the looks of it. That or your partner can have a vasectomy of course. That may cost money too but is still cheaper than having a potential third. .

13 month gap will be crazy. And not very enjoyable. Duable yes. But fun: no.
But ... people have done it before. So if you decide against an abortion : i am sure you will be ok.

Well then your partner will need to take responsibility. Whatever you’re doing now isn’t working and you have 17-20 fertile years ahead of you.

Bless you, that's not easy. A few things:

A false positive is basically impossible, so if you've had positives, I'd work on the basis that you are pregnant, but test again in a week to be sure. The very early stage of pregnancy is delicate and doesn't always stick, or it could be a chemical pregnancy.

If you wanted more than one child, then having them close together will be hard, but it also means you'll be out the other side a lot faster.

It's not really up to your family, and if you don't want to tell them that it was unplanned you're not obliged to.

Having an abortion, if that is what you feel you want/need at a very early stage isn't fun, but it's also over and done with pretty quickly.

Might be worth thinking about asking your partner to get the snip if you do go ahead and you feel you are then done with children, so that you don't have to go through this again.

Ultimately I think whatever you decide will end up being the right choice for you in the end, but I'm sorry you're in such a tricky spot.

The thing is I’m starting to doubt it as the FR was negative. I’ve heard from multiple people that CB is notorious for false positives... my lines have been faint but one stronger faint, I’ll attach a pic. However all tests were taken in the evening. Just not sure.

If you're the same new mum who posted about your money yesterday, which it sounds like you are, not using contraception in this situation is very irresponsible.

I really wonder about all these doctors who tell women point blank that they are infertile. There seem to be so many of them. And yet, any qualified medic would know beyond a doubt that unless a woman has gone through menopause or is missing key reproductive organs or has been diagnosed with complete malfunction of those organs that pregnancy is always possible if you have unprotected sex. It's uncanny.

My pregnancy tests looked alot like that when I early test. Don't keep testing though, wait a few days at least and use your first morning wee or as early in the day as you can do it.
You are not unreasonable to keep, lots of people I know plan smaller age gaps. There's positives and negatives with any sort of age gap. You'll get through it and I'm sure it will be fine. Good luck.
Just another thing to say that I have known slot of people to question if they want to get rid, if they end up going through with it constant regretting it. So if you are not 100% sure do not do it!!

I was born less than 13 months after my sister, my niece was born less than 13 months after my nephew and I have cousins born within a year of each other. Hard, of course, but all the parents enjoyed having children close in age and said in some respects it was easier.

I also know someone who had 4 children under 2 (2 sets of twins)!

OP I think you have a name change fail there. But back to your question, no one can answer it other than you! But you need to sort out contraception, having so many condom fails means your partner probably doesn't know how to use them properly.

Look, asking for advice on these things never works because it’s so easy to look at this from a logical point of view when you have no emotional ties to the pregnancy.

All you need to think, is do you want a termination? Will you be able to live with it? Will you be able to move passed it?’