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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect a "Thank you"?

54 replies

BlueberryXPancakes · 12/08/2020 09:15

Have had 13 year old neice to stay for a week. We gave it our all in taking her to lots of exciting activities, including a theme park one day. We did it as we enjoy it and it gives her mum (my sister) a break to get on with work. We did the same thing last summer too, having my neice for a week.

Neice said she had had a lovely time at end of visit , although she didn't thank us. Is it unreasonable to expect my sister (her mum) to thank us for our efforts to give her daughter a great week, or is it unnecessary as we're family?

I think the reason why I feel put out is that neice broke blind off the wall accidentally, despite being told to ask for help if she wanted to open or close it. We told her not to mess with blind as she also broke it off the wall on last year's visit. There was no apology about the broken blind from my sister, either this year or last year.

OP posts:

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 12/08/2020 09:17

Isn’t saying she had a lovely time the same as saying thank you?

Why does the blind keep breaking?

It’s a really kind thing to do but I don’t think you should do it for a thank you, do it because you want to spend time with your niece

TheFaerieQueene · 12/08/2020 09:20

Well of course it is good manners to thank someone for having their child stay for a week. Tbh I would have thanked with champagne and flowers as well.

The blind - well if a 13 year old has pulled it off twice, perhaps it needs replacing or fixing to the wall better. That said, I would apologise and offer to replace it, because I have good manners.

Your sister seems to be a bit lax in the good manners department and I am guessing that this is her behaviour generally.

TheAquaticDuchess · 12/08/2020 09:21

Yanbu, that was very nice of you and a thank you at the minimum would have been polite.

Smallsteps88 · 12/08/2020 09:22

The blind is clearly not fit for purpose of its broken twice. I wouldn’t put that on her.

I would take her saying she had a lovely time as her way of saying thank you.

chargeorge · 12/08/2020 09:24

do you do this to give your sister a break or because you like doing it? Either way a thank you wouldn't go amiss although a 13 year old saying she had a great time is a pretty good statement, but your sister could thank you.
Blind - these things happen in houses and the fact it was her isn't really a problem, it might have broken if you had touched it on that day
Have her again next year and in the meantime check with your sister that she (your sister) had a good week without your niece, you might get a thank you that way :)

WeEE · 12/08/2020 09:24

You're right. She definitely should have said Thank you. I would be so grateful if family had my Daughter for a week and made sure that she had a lovely time. Agree with other poster that I would also bring flowers, chocolates etc to say thanks.

Also would apologise for the broken blind and offer to pay if needed!

SummerHouse · 12/08/2020 09:27

My sis had mine for a night. I am still thanking her and wondering what I can do for her. She is a godsend.

Original poster

BlueberryXPancakes · 12/08/2020 09:34

Blind broke off wall because there is a technique to raising and lowering it. As neice didn't know how to do it, she just wrenched it which pulled fixings out of wall. It is a hollow wall which limits strength of fixings. The first year it happened, we downplayed it as an accident. However this year, we asked her not to try and adjust blind herself and to ask one of us to do it.

OP posts:

ShanghaiDiva · 12/08/2020 09:37

I think you should receive a thank you and a gift too: bottle of wine, flowers as a minimum.

Summer41 · 12/08/2020 09:44

I would have sent you a card and some flowers especially if you had taken DC to an expensive theme park. I would be grateful for your help.

We have blinds like yours in our house, fitted by the previous owners. They fall down when I try to open them. I wouldn't put that on your Niece, the faulty blinds are your problem, there shouldn't be a knack for visitors to open them (I'd love to replace ours but DP says it's not a priority).

Isthisnothing · 12/08/2020 09:56

Yes I would expect a thank you. My siblings and I all have children and I can't imagine anyone taking the others for a week at a time.

In fact I asked my brother and his wife to consider taking our daughter for a week next year and said we would pay them.

MaosChaos · 12/08/2020 10:00

I'd thank you in person or by card. For a week away full of activities I'd also be sending you a thank you gift.
Entertaining children no matter how much you love them takes up loads of time/energy/cash/food.

The blind is a different issue.

SneakyBlinder · 12/08/2020 10:04

When my DM has my DC (often a week in summer and a week at xmas) I always send her flowers and get the DC to write her a Thankyou card. It doesn’t matter if you’re family or not, manners are manners and I wouldn’t do anything for anybody that didn’t say ‘Thankyou’ again!

Original poster

BlueberryXPancakes · 12/08/2020 10:08

@Summer41

I would have sent you a card and some flowers especially if you had taken DC to an expensive theme park. I would be grateful for your help.

The blinds are perfectly servicable and exactly the same as all the others in my home, which are fixed to the wall in exactly the same way. I have had no problems with any of the blinds in our house and have lived here with them 11 years. The problem was that neice pulled on cord with brute force. Definitely user error.

OP posts:

BertieBassettsBits · 12/08/2020 10:11

I agree, it's rude not to say thank you. Manners cost nothing. I would feel pretty put out personally

DrManhattan · 12/08/2020 10:12

Sounds like your sister just expects you to do it because you are her sister and no thank you is required (maybe she thinks you know she's already grateful)

Newfornow · 12/08/2020 10:17

Yes a thank you should be received. Does she say thank you generally, meals ? Treats on day out? If you pass her something. Does she say thank you?
If not, you had a week to teach this. At her age, it’s not a difficult task.
I wish my sister took my dc even for a day. You sound generous and thoughtful. Your sister trusted you for a week to take care of her, teaching manners is within that remit. You are role model to her.

Carriemac · 12/08/2020 10:18

Dont have her next year. Act surprised and say you didn’t think she enjoyed it or that your sister wanted her there as you didn’t get a thank you.

ThatBitch · 12/08/2020 10:21

When my sil had my children for one evening I paid for takeaway, a bottle of gin, some nice chocolates and an amazon gift voucher for her (much older than my two) ds. I think it is stingy that she hasn't even sent a thank you gift. Your niece saying she had a lovely time is a thank you though. I would write the blind breaking off as one of those things, it sounds fiddly and she may not be used to asking adults for help to open and close window fittings.

NiceGerbil · 12/08/2020 10:23

Isn't saying she had a lovely time the same as saying thank you!

I'd think your sis would say thanks when you next speak to her, that's a bit odd. If you've spoken to her already did she not ask how it was and express gratitude in any way? If she didn't yeah that's a bit weird.

Does the mum know the blind broke?

mrsm43s · 12/08/2020 10:27

I have slightly older children, and in general if they were taken out for the day, I'd ask them if they'd said thank you, rather than expecting to say it on their behalf. To me her saying she'd had a lovely time is a kind of thank you. I guess the fact it was a week and your sister makes it different, although I'd think more a "thank you" in passing rather than a big song and dance about it, especially since its family.

Regarding the blind, if it comes off the wall when the cord is pulled, its clearly not fit for purpose, so needs to be replaced with something that works. It's not normal to have functional items like blinds that you need to have a "knack" to open without them falling off the wall. If you choose not to replace it, then you have to accept that guests may well pull it down by (quite reasonably) pulling on the cord.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 12/08/2020 10:28

Id be annoyed about the blind too...my own kids are heavy handed and despite me telling them to be careful they break things because they cant be arsed to take more care or time.

zingally · 12/08/2020 10:34

I think there's a clear fix to all this...

Don't invite her next year.

Either you are happy to see your niece and enjoy spending time with her, and are happy to give your sister a break... Or you're not.

And if the blind is delicate enough to be broken twice, in the normal act of opening or closing it (I can't imagine a 13 year old was swinging from it, or doing anything abnormal), the NORMAL thing to do would be to fix it or get a new one, not get all butt-hurt at the teenager for not "asking for help" over a task an average 4 year old should be able to do - opening or closing a normal blind.

All that being said, manners costs nothing. And I don't think it would be unreasonable to approach your sister and say that you were a bit surprised not to get a thank you from niece at the end of the visit? But if that conversation is too awkward, just don't have the kid again if you feel that strongly.

NiceGerbil · 12/08/2020 10:41

Saying you had a lovely time is a thank you though, to a lot of people.

I don't really get this thread tbh but I suppose everyone is different.

Coffeeandbeans · 12/08/2020 10:41

The girl said she had a lovely time to you as she left.

The issue is with your sister not your niece.

The blind is not got for purpose and you are lucky it didn’t fall on your niece’s head and damaged/scared her. Stop blaming her for that.

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