To wonder if those from different financial backgrounds may not have a future

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As the title goes really. I ask because my boyfriend has a job earning almost double mine (and I make a decent wage), comes from a wealthy family whereas I come from a working class background and has lots of savings whereas I don't - but I'm working on it. If things do move forward with us I know in the future he wants the nice house with the world touring holidays which I just cannot afford. However when I tell him this, he says he'll have to pay more towards things than me. This doesn't sit well with me plus I also don't want him to end up resenting me when/if that time comes. I'm quite happy with a modest house and a big holiday every, say 5 years with small ones in between and I don't know if he'd be happy with that when it's actually happening.

Does anyone have experience with this?

I don’t know, OP. Lots of people will argue that it is about contributing what you can and the difference isn’t important but you feel what you feel. I would talk to him about what’s really worryingly you - your thoughts behind it all.

he know you have a lower income and it doesn;t bother him. If there was a hint of supriority or controllinh behaviour from him, I'd be worried, but it doesn't always come with territory esp if the family is wealthy and this is just a normal lifestyle to him, no doing you a favour so to speak.
But with wealthier new partners, you do need to watch out for controlling tendencies caarefully, that's the only downside as far as I'm concerned.

*superiority or controlling (sorry for typos!)

It doesn't have to be an issue. DH comes from a wealthy background and is a high earner, whereas I was raised in a council flat and was a single mum on benefits when I met him. It's never bothered either of us, what matters is how we connect as individuals. He always paid for dates and holidays before we got married, and is the breadwinner now we're married and I'm a sahm. No issues with financial control at all, all our money is household money.

You have to be careful not to let your pride get in the way. DH's earnings allow us to have a nice house, private school and holidays. Of course I'd be happy with a more modest lifestyle as that's what I've always been used to, and we slum it in other ways. But if I refused to allow DH to pay more for nicer things, it would just be our family who loses out, and our dc would miss out on great opportunities.

Thanks for your replies. Sometimes I don't think he realises I can't afford this or that when we go out and I tend to rack up a small credit card bill when I'm with him as I don't like to be the one saying no we can't do that because I can't afford it. He does pay for some of the things for me but I've stopped doing as much stuff I can't afford now and it has been better the last few months since I've laid it out for him. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to meet someone on the same par as me so there'll be no worries of any resentment in the future but we get on so well and I don't want to meet anyone else.

Please don’t run up a credit card bill. He has to accept you don’t have the same amount of disposable income. If he still wants to do frequent/expensive things, then he either has to pay for you to do them too or do it alone (which will lead to difficulties).

I dated two (very) wealthy men. I think the difference in spending power can be a dealbreaker. The first man didn’t spend much and we always went halves when we went out which, in hindsight, was not equal as I earned approx 40K and he earned 1M. I was too proud and while he didn’t pay anything extra, I felt he was playing a game of ‘slumming’ it with me.
With the second man, I always paid equally too. But he wanted the finer things and would jet off on long haul holidays or concerts in different countries on his own. He also made lots of remarks about those on lower incomes and had a very superior attitude. I don’t think huge differences in disposable income does work out based on my experiences.

It can work fine but I think it depends at what stage. Eg my husband and I were more equal when we first met but the difference has been massive when I’ve been on 0 during mat leave and is probably 3.5x now. But, we see it as our family income. I think bigger differences would have a different dynamic at the start of a relationship.

I’m married and share DS with someone who earns 3x my (decent FT) wage.

All our money goes into a pot and is shared.
He’s a bit older than me with a more established career (and middle class upbringing), but he knows I took a career hit and slowed down my path in order to have DS as he did not want to be an ‘old dad’.

There’s no weirdness at all. It’s all family money.

If he earns more money and wants you to be apart of his life so is happy to make both your money, collective money one day and you have a problem with that, shy of there being any abusive or controlling issues, that is your problem, not his. What exactly is he supposed to do about that to alleviate your discomfort? Not enjoy nice holidays and a nice house because you don't earn enough to enjoy it with him? So essentially all his surplus money that you won't let him spend unless he spends it without you goes where exactly? I earn more than my husband but its not my money and his money, it's our money because otherwise what's the point? Of course we have different interests and therefore spend individually as well but when it comes to the bigger things, I want a home with my husband and if I'm going on holiday I want to go with him. I'm not just going to leave him at home because he can't cough up 50% of the bill. Or we live in a tiny house in a run down area because that's what my husband can afford 50% off and I what? Store Jimmy Choos under the bed to use up my extra money in a way that my husband won't benefit from?
Talk to him about what you're concerned about; it's still relatively early days in your relatioship it seems (?) But if and when you become more committed to each other this really shouldn't be an issue.

I earn more than my husband. When we were dating I would pay for some extra things (I took him on holiday for example) Or we did less extravagant things. I also owned a flat.
We have really different backgrounds too. Every now and again he’ll put me straight that everyone isn’t as privaledged as I was.

As soon as we got engaged everything became shared. Now it’s not an issue

Once you’re married you’re a team and your finances are shared. But it may not get to that stage if it’s something you feel uncomfortable about. Many couples make it work, however.

At dating stage it should just be fun no one should be getting in to debt.

Then there is the shared money aspect, we have never put all money in to the same pot. DH did earn more so paid more we ended up with similar but not exact amounts.

But your vision of what you want big vs modest house, small versus big holidays. That will be the cause of issues. DH is from an extremely wealthy background. I would say we had similar attitudes to each of you when we got together. So we compromised. We live on one of the best roads in our town but in one of the smaller houses and we do have a big holiday most years. But then he was ok with just going to Wales for a week and going on a canal boat holiday one year.

I make and will make a lot more money than DP. So I contribute a little bit more to rent, holidays, shopping. We are able to go on more and more lavish holidays because of my income. But not only do I not resent it, I would resent him refusing to go. I work extremely hard but I also realize being lucky to be here. So I want to enjoy it! Why would I Iive frugally when I don't have to???? I've got one life, I'm not going to spend it not travelling around the world if I can afford it.

YABU
If by future, you mean joining your fate to this man's (marriage or similar), why can't you fathom blending your finances? Supposedly you're already happily sharing bodily fluids (with all the consequences that might entail), but shared finances is a step too far? Weird.

You can have an equal partnership, with unequal incomes, and everyone contributing proportionately to their means. It's a state of mind. Your income is not your personal worth. The time you share together is what matters.

When DH and I married everything became joint. Initially I supported him through a masters then I became a SAHM to our DC.

DH now earns 4x my salary.

Throughout all of this everything has gone into a joint account that we both access.

It's never been a problem because we are a team.

I think a different mindset on money and not being equal can play a big part in relationships. I’ve seen a few break down after many years as one gets fed up of being responsible for finances or wants to do more and can’t.

If you feel there’s no compromise whilst dating then I’d think seriously about what the future holds.

My husband and I are from very different backgrounds and have different incomes - I earn probably double what he does and he's not settled in a career yet as he left school without qualifications and it's only since he's met me that he's though about a career rather than a job.

When he moved in, we split most things or if I picked where we went I paid so it was a realistic amount.

Now we share all finances and have a separate account for an equal amount of 'spending' money. Although the house is owned unequally, the decisions are joint completely in terms of decoration, rules and guests etc. It can work.

I will say we have had loads of conversations about background differences though in terms of what our 'new normal' will be that is half way between my background and his. You have to communicate well or it won't work.

Our closest friends have very different salaries (he earns about 4 times what she does) and it seems to work for them. She probably takes home about £30k and him £120k so she’s not got an insignificant amount, just much less than him.
They’re not married but buying a house which he will put all the deposit up for and when they go on holiday it’s automatically assumed he will pay for everything.

I find it very difficult to understand and would never let DP pay for me like that. It makes me very uncomfortable hearing her complain about their lack of holidays this year when her DP is saving to buy them both a house and she wouldn’t have paid for any holidays anyway! She also lives at home for free so literally just spends her salary however she likes. But they’ve been together for a long time and are both very happy with their set up so it works for them.

I earn considerably more than my DH. It’s family money and all goes in one pot.

I think it's more about your mindset on money rather than income disparity. When I got with my now fiance, I had a small income and he was a full time student with a part time job. I out earned him for a few years up until child no.2. After he left uni he started working full time and was fine with me being a stay at home mother. I decided I wanted to get back to work when our youngest turned 3 and I'm slowly building up an income that is now higher than his and will continue going up. Neither of us has ever had a problem because we both see it as joint income and us as a unit financially. It's harder in the dating stages, but whether or not it works depends on you guys being on the same page.

@Turnedouttoes so should her DP miss out on holidays and the house he wants? or should she bankrupt herself keeping up with his wishes? or should they just break up because poor people should stick with their own demographic? I'm the DP in that scenario, down to the house deposit. Your post just sounds like you're jealous of your friend.

Also, remember that earning potential changes throughout one's lifetime. What if the higher earner becomes ill or gets made redundant while the other's career takes off?

That being said, my posts are all in reference to a long term relationship. Dating is different and you should work out what you want now rather than later. Money issues and differences in attitude to money do break relationships.

i think in the long term it just makes sense to have shared money and forget about it. in the short term - you probably shouldnt get into debt to keep up with him, so maybe have a word about what you can/cant afford.

life is very unpredictable and you might as well be a team about it. one of you might get sick, become redundant, end up hating their profession etc...also the reality is that if you ever had kids then you'll be tied together no matter what (even if you split up afterwards).

so yes, honestly, if he is happy to share then it is your problem. my siter is the same - she's on 37k, DP is on 120k.....they both work really hard at their professions but different industries so she'll never earn as much as him even with three degree to his one. She doesnt want to take his cash, so honestly, they both miss out on being able to do stuff. I've tried to tell her that but she's very proud.

It's not a gender thing but a team thing. And I speak as someone who supported DH for over a year when he was a student and earning nothing

No absolutely not @WhereamI88 I understand why their set up is the way it is. However, they’re both from working class backgrounds so the holidays they go on are not lavish but very normal and definitely affordable for her. They’re also not buying a particularly expensive house and she has more than enough money to be able to contribute.

I think what I find odd in their relationship is that he is under a lot of pressure (due to circumstances he is also supporting members of his immediate family) so not actually rolling in cash but it’s just accepted by them both that he pays for everything while she keeps all of her money for fun.

I’m not jealous in the slightest, there’s no way I’d be happy living in a house that DP has paid 100% for when I was perfectly capable of putting at least some money towards it. My point was that it depends on the individual couple and the OP needs to decide whether or not she’s happy for her DP to subsidise a luxurious lifestyle for her

@Turnedouttoes That does sound unhealthy. My point was I contribute a little bit more so we can, together, have a better quality of life, but my partner has always paid his fair share and always contributes as much as he can...I guess this shows how important money is but I'm not sure what the answer is.