Worried about paedophiles

[Myusernam]

I have 2 daughters who are 5 and 3. I havent let them out of my sight since having them.
My daughter starts school tomorrow and I feel sick with worry.
I have been reading the Epstien stuff online (stupidly). Being a female myself I remember inappropriate behaviour from adults from an early age. And finally my mum was abused by her stepdad from the age of 7 and it absolutely ruined her whole life before dying in her early 40s.
I know I am being over anxious and I try to reason with myself but I am really worried that something bad will happen to one of my daughters.
I have had CBT in the past but not since having kids.
Am I crazy? Am I the only mum who thinks like this? Help.

She’s going to school, where she’ll be in a group all day, and then you’ll pick her up at the end of the day.

Schools take safeguarding so seriously these days - the chances of the thing you’re worrying about taking place at her school are infinitesimally tiny.

I think your level of worry about this is irrational. You can’t watch over your children forever.

All you can do is empower your children. Teach them the proper names for their ‘private parts’ so that they can describe them accurately. Make it clear to them that the only people allowed to touch them there are Mummy and Daddy if they’re helping them wash in the bath, or a doctor (but mummy and daddy would be there to tell them that it was ok first.)

And make sure they know that if anyone else tries to touch them there they tell Mummy and/or Daddy, or their teacher, straight away.

I understand your concern given the family history. Schools are extremely good with safeguarding, please try not to become obsessed with this.

(And make it clear that you will always believe anything they tell you)

Thanks Lydia. I have bought them a book on exactly that and they know about private parts etc. Thank you for reassuring me about the school. I also agree, it is irrational.

I understand why you would feel worried, but don’t let it play on your mind. Schools are safe, she will never been left alone with one adult she will be in a class of children and at least one TA. Safeguarding is taken very seriously and she won’t be put in danger.
It is hard when you realise it’s time to ‘let your child go’ especially as they’ve been home with you all their life, it just takes some getting used to. I was nervous for the first few weeks myself but as she enjoyed herself I felt more confident too.
She’ll be fine and so will you.

Thank you Ishihtzuknot. You have hit the nail on the head there. I am struggling with the letting go and my brain feels like it's going into over drive with worst case scenario for everything.
I am usually a reasonable person but lockdown has made my anxiety skyrocket!

You're not crazy for being anxious, you can't help your feelings
As someone who has kids and suffers from anxiety too, I can empathise.
However, as hard as it may be, try to relax as they're with you and at school, and they're fine.
Schools take safeguarding extremely seriously.
My kids are now teens and it's really hard to let them do their own thing but just have to to let them grow.

The risk is probably about the same as it always has been. The difference is we know about it much more now. Schools are really good at safeguarding now and safety messages are drilled into them.

I think given what happened to your mum, it's understandable that you are anxious

From someone who works in a school, please know that schools are absolutely red hot on safeguarding these days. The risk of anything happening to any child really is miniscule.

It's great that you have taught your daughters about their private areas and that they are only for them.

Can I suggest (very kindly) that you perhaps speak to your GP about your anxiety around this. It's very understandable but there may be things that can help so that you don't have to feel so anxious

The fact is your relative was abused by a member of their family, which is where the majority of abuse happens so school is statisticaly probably saver. Epstein it was on teenagers anyway not young children.

I'm sorry you had that horrible experience, your poor mum. All you can do is communicate on their level with your children honest and open and do it now and then when the opportunity comes up to remind them. I talk to mine now and then about good and bad touch, the nspcc pants song. They don't get it at their age why this happens but I try and explain the best I can, that most people are not bad but there are some people who try to treat children like an object I usually say a toy to be played with in a bad way and then I explain this is very very wrong explaining bad touch etc. If someone makes you feel upset/strange/scared or sad that's your little alarm system telling you to tell us and if something ever makes you feel uncomfortable you must tell me no matter what even if it's a child like you or someone who is our friend or family, even if they say not to and it's your fault or mum will be cross. I never will be cross with you and they can tell me anything.

When my son was in year 1 he told me a friend touched him on his privates in school and he told me that night. Turns out the friend pulled his pants down at the front, to be silly and as he was pulling them it happened to touch his privates, (he didn't really mean to touch him) but this happened in school. They boy was delt with appropriately by the school. But I'm glad my son is able to tell me when something didn't feel right for him.

Sadly your children are actually statistically safer at school.

OP, so you suffer with anxiety. I do and in my darker days I tend to 'catastrophise' - water equals drowning, an uncle hugging my DD equals inappropriate relationship, a heat rash equals horrible viral infection.

As they get older you must give them independence and space and not pass those anxieties on.

I think you're being too hard on yourself. Anxieties as a parent are completely normal and taking positive steps to address them is great. That along with the family history you describe would obviously make your specific anxieties heightened.

We've started using the nspcc pant rules info with our DD age 4 and its opened up some great communication channels in an age appropriate way.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=_SzbMEVYiyg

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/

I think this is natural given your experiences. You will be able to keep her safe and will find a rhythm to how to do without going mad and that lets her grow. You and she will be fine.

Nspcc PANTs
Give them the knowledge tools for their age level
Cbt for you
It s not feasible to live with this level of anxiety

I think it's a totally rational thing to be concerned about. But not to the point of making yourself and your daughters anxious. Easy to say as I am similar. Argh!

All you can do is to teach your daughters that most people are good but to always be careful. School has been the best thing for my kids. Help them to have the biggest gang of friends they can. With lots of lovely adults and friends around they will be safe.

Thank you all for being so kind and giving me such useful information. We will definitely be watching the pant song together tomorrow.
I dont share these concerns with people in real life. Most people dont know about my mum. I dont want peoples sympathy or for people to judge me by it. "Oh she is just paranoid because of what happened to her mum"
I do try very hard not to show any kind of anxiety in front of my children, I want them to be confident kids.
Maybe i should talk to my gp.

Not got any advice (although you’ve had lots of great advice already) but just wanted you to know you’re not alone! I have two daughters who have never been away from me and my elder one is starting a few hours of nursery next week. I have these same thoughts and worries, and I don’t think I have mental health issues. I think as long as you aren’t letting it control you (e.g. refusing to send your daughter to school) it’s somewhat natural (depending on your personality) to have these thoughts. Hopefully as time goes on and you (and I!) get used to being apart from our little girls our anxieties will ease and we will learn to trust that they are going to be okay

Thank you Phrowzun. Although I'm sorry you feel the same, it's a comfort to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

Myusernam it's totally understandable that you are worried and concerned. Lots of parents are. I am some of the time and I've not got your history in my family.

However, I would focus on how you can empower your daughters, as people have described above, to make them aware and to continue to create an environment in your home where they can tell you about anything that is not appropriate.

I have a book called 'The Gift of Fear.' and I think feeling fearful (in appropriate situations) can keep you safe. I never take risks with anyone (now). When I was younger I did take silly risks, accepting a motorbike ride instead of taking a taxi etc. Luckily, for me, all was well. but it was New Year's Eve and at the very least my anonymous motorcycle driver could have been driving pissed!

So I think it's good to be cautious and careful but also not to be controlled by irrational fears.

I certainly was controlled by irrational fears in my thirties and I had CBT for this. It was hugely helpful.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up but do get help if you think you need it. Some of us are just more anxious than others and it's finding the balance between being irrationally fearful and just being sensible and cautious.

You poor thing, sending a big hug. I get phases like this. I am always on relatively high alert but sometimes it's real fear. Handing kids over for the first time is so hard.
It took me a long time to realise why I was so on edge and worrisome in comparison to many of my friends, but then I realised why wouldn't I be that way when some people very close to me were abused and I knew one of the abusers pretty well.
So like you have the knowledge of your mom's history, that's close to your heart.
Trust your gut. Remember your CB T strategies. Identify the thought, the feelings and the behaviours. Lay out the evidence for and against your thoughts. Balance the thought.
School is low risk ❤
Be gentle with yourself

Schools are, in my experience, excellent about safeguarding. All the schools I’ve worked in make it the first thing they make sure you’re 100% certain about in terms of procedures.
I seriously consider it the absolute most important part of my job, keeping the children safe is my main job role in my opinion.
I can understand why you’re worried because it’s a horrible scary thing but it’s unlikely, and as PPs have said empower your children with age appropriate knowledge. Nurseries and schools are there to keep your child safe and it will be ok

I can completely understand why you are feeling like this. Talking to your girls and baking them aware is the best thing to do and you have already done this so just keep doing this. They will be safe at school as so many measures are put into place. Sorry to hear about your mum.

Sorry! Typos baking I mean “making them aware”

Thank you all so much for your kindness.
My husband has been working away for weeks and being home alone through the pandemic then with dd going to school tomorrow, my head is just filled with worries. You have all really made me feel so much better. Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. It honestly has meant so much.