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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was Aibu - dd and her dad

26 replies

Survivethestorm · 11/08/2020 20:08

DD is very young, not verbal, her dad was extremely abusive and controlling. Even towards her, threatening to beat her, calling her nasty names, no interest, neglecting her and throwing water in her face when she cried. Currently his has access ordered by court. Had a number of issues with him being agressive at handover etc. Anyway on three occasions I noticed dd coming back with hand marks on her forearm, like someone has grabbed her. First time it happened I wasn't too sure so I just documented it, second time I took photos and a friend contacted the nspcc, this third time I took dd to hospital ( was instructed to by nspcc to see if they were accidental ). This then triggered an emergency section 47 enquiry resulting in dd and I staying in hospital overnight and children services now involved to do an assessment however they've said they don't believe dd is in danger while in my care thankfully.

One question I keep getting is why I didn't ask ex how dd got the bruises, my issue is that whenever I have raised concerns it turns into him blaming everything on me and we get nowhere. I know they happened during contact as I check dd before contact and record handover's because of the abuse and there were no bruises. Social worker has said maybe dd fell and that's the cause for the bruises.. however they have concluded they are grab marks. My question is was I unreasonable to not ask ex before raising it even though a friend had already reported it ?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 11/08/2020 20:11

No, he wouldn't have told you the truth if he'd grabbed her anyway. It must be horrific for you having to hand your child over to someone like him. I hope SSs stop unsupervised contact with her

Tunnocks34 · 11/08/2020 20:18

No. He wouldn’t ever say ‘ I grabbed her’

If he wasn’t abusive, if the Brussels could have been something other than abuse then yes, you should have asked.

Not the case here!

MorganKitten · 11/08/2020 20:39

In safeguarding you don’t ask the possible abuser out right as they could hide it or find other ways to abuse. You report it.

Royalbloo · 11/08/2020 20:43

YANBU - "why didn't you challenge your abusive ex?" What a fucking stupid question. I'm on your side here.

Chloemol · 11/08/2020 20:44

No YANBU. Explain the dynamics to them, and his previous abuse and why don’t contact him. I also wouldn’t be letting her go again

TheSoapyFrog · 11/08/2020 20:46

I don't think YANBU at all. He's hardly likely to admit it is he?

TheSoapyFrog · 11/08/2020 20:46

Or even I don't think YABU!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 11/08/2020 20:51

What a stupid thing for them to ask you to ask an abusive man. It will never cease to amaze me that access is given to abusive parents!

Shizzlestix · 11/08/2020 20:53

I hope contact with him is disallowed after this!

Elieza · 11/08/2020 20:54

He would have lied and either said something like ‘she ran towards a road so I grabbed her to save her‘ or some other lie, or hed have said it wasn’t me and cursed you.

Original poster
Survivethestorm · 11/08/2020 21:03

Thank you all. Exactly what I thought, no point in asking when he would lie to my face. He would always minimise his behaviour towards dd, threatened to kill me and make her an orphan and said it was a joke after his outburst so why would I ever just say hey what happened here. And the fact this is now the third time. DD is with me 24/7 and I've never given her a bruise. It's what alerted me, she got bruises on her legs as she is a climber so it's harder to tell but the arms I've never seen bruises on her arms and the fact the were very clearly hand marks

OP posts:
Angelina82 · 11/08/2020 21:06

He would never have admitted it. You did exactly the right thing OP

Boom45 · 11/08/2020 21:35

I worked in the women's sector for a number of years and you would be amazed how many of the abused women and children are asked questions like this by people in "the system". If I were you I'd find a local women's group - rather than women's aid as a with a local one you're more likely to get someone to help you that can accompany your to meetings etc. If you have someone who understands the system and also (more importantly) is 100% on your side to speak up for you when they start asking stupid questions it gets a lot easier.

Original poster
Survivethestorm · 11/08/2020 23:18

I am in contact with women's aid but I will look to see what else is in the area thanks @Boom45.

It does make it very difficult when asked these questions and I think, should I have asked. But he would only make out that I am crazy, if it wasn't for my family I think I'd believe I was crazy. Also it's very clear to me now how so many children can be let down by the system. Even now I'm having to get my solicitor to agree to moving our next court date up and at the very least getting contact supervised but has said without ss assessment that might be difficult and the next contact is before the assessment is due, so I am very worried. Ss has already said they can't get involved with contact they can only make suggestions on their findings and that I've already done all they would advise on protecting DD.. story of my life.. protecting DD so much and keeping her so content and happy that they're limited in what they can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Survivethestorm · 12/08/2020 08:25

Has another else gone through something similar with ss being involved and if so how did court and ss handle it?

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CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/08/2020 08:29

My question is was I unreasonable to not ask ex before raising it even though a friend had already reported it ? No. If you are ever asked such a stupid question again tell them - because his response to being questioned fucking terrifies me, that's why we are separated, that's why I am asking for some support!

They know better. They are overworked, underfunded and working in ways that seem senseless because of it!

WhereTheCrawdadsSing · 12/08/2020 08:35

Never been through similar and I don't have much to add to what pps have already said. But I just wanted to say YANBU Flowers. I expect he'd have lied and made out your were 'crazy' to even mention it. Hope you and your dd stay safe.

FelicityPike · 12/08/2020 08:36

No, you’d be putting him on notice that you suspected him, then he could hide it or make up excuses/ reasons for the abusive bruising.
You did the right thing.

user1493413286 · 12/08/2020 08:41

It’s a difficult one for social services as they can’t tell you to go against a court order particularly while an assessment is ongoing however if you applied to the courts to change or stop contact then social services would be asked to do a report which may support contact being supervised etc.
I work in this area and in my experience you won’t be criticised by the courts for suspending contact until the assessment is completed; that’s essentially what social services mean when they say you have to protect your DD.

PoodleMoth · 12/08/2020 08:51

YANBU. If the next contact is before the assessment I would maybe think about claiming you were isolating due to covid symptoms...

Boom45 · 12/08/2020 09:26

Women's Aid are great @Survivethestorm but if they've not got an office local to you it's not that easy for them to be "hands on" support. The women's aid website has a good directory of local support organisations too.

Original poster
Survivethestorm · 12/08/2020 17:45

@WhereTheCrawdadsSing oh he would have most definitely called me crazy, he thought I was crazy for being upset with his previous behaviour to dd and the fact he cheated. My emotions werent normal apparently.

@Boom45, ah ok the women's aid office is in my town luckily, so very local.

@user1493413286 I've been told the assessment could take a while 5 days I think for the initial assessment. They're deciding whether they need to do a section 17 or 47 but as contact is coming up Im going to call the social worker tomorrow. They've said they're definitely grab marks, but as to how they've come to be there they have to hypothesise is what the social worker said.. so I'm thinking great pretty much guess work. The social worker was good though apart from the asking him about the bruises comment, had the doctor ask me the same though.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/08/2020 17:52

Op are you sure it’s a value judgement they are making and not they are just trying to understand your relationship and why you couldn’t ask him?

Original poster
Survivethestorm · 12/08/2020 18:26

@Bluntness100 it could very well be that they're trying to get an understanding of our relationship. The fact that I was asked both in the hospital and by the social worker. Could also have been a case of seeing if there was an explanation. Social did however say if contact goes ahead to do body mapping and asking about bruises etc that happen in contact as children do get bruises. Again not much point in this as he can always just lie as other pps have said.

Reason I asked if I'm being unreasonable to not have asked is because if it were me I'd be devastated that someone would think I'd hurt dd but im also very aware of what she is doing in my care and if she has hurt herself I'll communicate that. Still I've never harmed her or left bruises and the fact that they're very clearly marks from someone grabbing her and Ive seen the way ex treats dd of course I suspect he has caused this deliberately.

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Original poster
Survivethestorm · 15/08/2020 23:15

Thought id post here for continuity and not to go back over the back story. Ss have now ordered a section 17 child in need assessment which I'm hoping will really help to protect dd.

But her paternal GM made a comment and it's been bugging me. She said if dd has only come back with grab marks on 3 occasions (three out of 6 visits) then how can her son (exp) be abusing or man handling dd because surely dd would always come back with bruises. I've said no, it can depend on what dd does, exps moods, where they are etc just because it hasn't happened on every occasion doesn't mean it's nothing especially given the history and the fact that they are grab marks. I'm not wrong am I? Yes accidents do happen and dd runs around a lot and yet she hasn't seen exp in a week and no new bruises and she has been outside a lot the week with the weather and falling over and yet nothing

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