Separated with 2 year old and trying to agree on childcare

[Mango85]

Hello , this is my first post although I have read many. I'm struggling with a separation at the moment, my partner left me about six weeks ago and moved to his parents house. There was no big reason for the split, he says he was unhappy and can't be with me anymore pretty much (we were together 8 years). He's also incredibly angry with me and being very horrible. For a bit more context, he lost his job about 18 months ago as he was made redundant and hasn't found anything since, he's also been suffering a bit with his mental health, he angers easily and also admitted to me that he had had suicidal thoughts. We've also been living with my parents this whole year as we were doing work on our house which paused during lock down. He says these factors are nothing to do with how he feels about me though.

Since he left, he says he's thinking really clearly and is certain about his decision. I'm sort of okay with that, I do think we had problems although I would be willing to work through them, especially as we have a small child. The thing that I'm really struggling with is trying to organise childcare with him. I've always been the person to put our daughter to bed at night through feeding her to sleep. Now he wants her to spend some nights with him, I do have a bit of a problem with this as it upsets me that we have to change our routine because he's decided to leave but I am willing to compromise as long as she gets use to him putting her to bed first. The thought of her crying out for me when I'm not in the same house I find really upsetting. He's refusing to let this happen, I asked him to put her to bed a couple of weeks ago after he dropped her off, he was upstairs for an hour with her and she was calling out for me (he told me this, I stayed downstairs and put a key in the door so she didn't see me), then he came down in a rage and told me I was manipulative and he was so glad he wasn't with me anymore. He also started squaring up to me until I told him to step away (I don't think he would hit me but he does try to intimidate me, it doesn't really work though). Also, I did try and go and put her to bed at his parents house on one occasion and she got excited when she saw me and took a while to get to sleep. He kept coming in and asking why it was taking so long, what I was playing at and that I wasn't welcome in his parents house, this is while our daughter was suckling on my boob almost asleep.

More recently, he sent a message saying he would be collecting our daughter for the weekend, I said that's fine as long as he puts in writing that I can collect her in the evening because of the overnight issue, instead of trying to agree something he sent an angry text then didn't see her all weekend.

The other thing that we are struggling with is in a few weeks I'm going to be moving back to our house which we have been away from for lockdown and the drive to his parents will be nearly 2 hours. He wants our daughter to stay with him once a week for a few days and do this long drive. I feel this is too much for a two year old and that he should try and find a different solution. I think it would mess with her sleep, she gets car sick and the thought of her going on the motorway twice a week I don't really like. Also, she will be settling in back at nursery and I just feel his plan is putting his needs first rather than our daughters. He could stay in our spare room or with friends rather than subject our daughter to that journey, at least while she settles back at nursery. I don't know if I'm being overprotective and I should be more flexible. Would love to hear some other perspectives on this.

Mango I would advise to speak to a solicitor. You ex partner is abusive.

I’m sorry that sounds really tough

Obviously it’s important she keeps seeing her father. He sounds unpleasant but not to the point that she shouldn’t see him, is that where you’re at?

It does sound though like he is putting his wish to see his child above making that time positive for her. He isn’t prioritising her needs at all, sadly he probably won’t change and you’ll have to try to navigate it the best way you can. Possibly someone here can point you in the direction of an organisation that can support you?

A 2 hour each way journey once a week is a lot for a child of that age. It would probably be good for her to have overnight contact with him but it needs to build up at her pace

Lots of separated couples do every other weekend - could that be an option to aim for, with incrementally increasing the time? I know he isn’t being flexible but the first thing to do is be clear about what you think will work for your daughter. You need to be flexible but only up to a point, and it doesn’t sound like he is reasonable to deal with

He sounds really horrible so first off, I think it's good you two have split up. She is very young for such a sudden change in her routine but having him stay with you when he seems to have such disdain for you probably wouldn't be a good idea either. If he's not willing to properly discuss access and what's best for your daughter then I wouldn't let him have her over night at all until you decide it in court

He has chosen to move 2 hours away from your family home. He does not get to dictate terms.

You are right to try to make sure she sees him, but there is no need for that to be overnight until she has finished feeding to sleep. You can begin working on that but it's a process and will take time. If you can't trust him to put her first and restore her to you for bedtime then you keep her.

If he wants to be difficult, let him take you to court for overnight access. He does not sound like someone you can be expected to deal with as if they were a reasonable person. Keep a record of any unpleasant words, texts, aggressive behaviour, ESPECIALLY when these happen in the presence of your child or when she is in the house. You will have a long road ahead of you and will need this evidence.

And you're not at all being overprotective - she is a tiny child, she's 2, she's still breastfeeding, she's already had a big adjustment to make living somewhere else and her dad not being around any more. She does not need to be put through anything else for his convenience. If he was in any way a decent father he'd be looking to cushion her from the impact of his decision to leave, as you are, not trying to bend her to his will.

Out of interest, has he been supportive of your parenting choices in general, or does this play into the breakdown of the relationship? It's AMAZING how some (pathetic) men resent the breastfeeding relationship, as if it's taking something away from them for the mother and child to have this bond. I wouldn't be surprised if he has given you grief long before this for extended feeding, and is using this as an opportunity to damage that relationship.

Thank you, it's so nice to read your message. It is really tough. I don't want him to stop seeing her, he's a loving father when he is with DD and she adores him. I think it is important for them to have a relationship.

DD staying with him every other weekend is something I would consider when DD is ready but I wouldn't want that to start for the first month she starts at nursery and I'd definitely want her to be okay with him putting her to bed. I'm just aware that would mean he would only see DD every two weeks which doesn't sound very much. I guess he could come up to see her one day during the week that he doesn't have her at the weekend and on the weekends he has DD she could stay an extra day. So that would mean a two hour journey each way every two weeks which I think sounds just about okay but not ideal.

The other thing, I think he wants me to share the driving. Personally, I don't think that sounds reasonable but not sure what others do?

Currently he looks after her one day a week and we have been trying to share the weekends.

@VeniceQueen2004 Funny you ask this, he hasn't outright asked me to stop but there have definitely been hints of jealousy. We also had a few relate sessions and he made a few remarks about DD still being breastfed. I think he has also found it a bit difficult at times that I can sooth DD more easily and have the "magic boob".

@VeniceQueen2004 Thanks for your other posts too, they are really helpful. I have been keeping a record of things and documenting messages and emails. I hope it won't come to court - I looked at the fees yesterday and it would be an awful experience. I can't believe it has even come to this, it all happened so fast.

The court would view it as his contact so it's up to him to do the driving. If he was a reasonable and supportive co-parent in every other aspect then this is something that you would consider but since he isn't anything but manipulative and abusive I certainly wouldn't be doing.any driving:

I would suggest you have a look at the chump lady website although it deals with dealing with cheaters it is very helpful on parenting with a toxic ex which he sounds very much to fall into.

You need to be extremely firm in dealing with him, Insist on message/ email only contact no phone calls as a consequence of the manner he speaks to you. I would also google parenting with a toxic ex.

Please be aware that he may be seeking to establish shared residence as it would mean he wouldn't have to pay maintenance for your child

You have had loads of excellent advice already, I would advise speaking to a solicitor to help you out firm boundaries in place then hopefully it won't ever have to go to court.

Hugs

I don't have any advice but just wanted to add my support for your instincts on doing what's best for your daughter.

Sorry but I think yabu. 2 year old doesnt need fed to sleep and she will adapt to her dad putting her to bed if your not there.

Loads of co-parents have to travel a distance for contact. Imo better to start now and get her used to it.

I think YABU and a bit precious to not let her sleep over at his right now. He is her dad. Grandparents often have their grandchildren for overnights at this age. She'll adjust.

YANBU about the long drives. If he moves, he has to do the driving.

I think this is above MNs paygrade and you really need a solicitor ASAP.

Talk through what you think will work for your child with your solicitor and let them help you come up with a plan.

Please detail his aggression towards you too.

You're not welcome in his parents house? Have their been any disgareements between you and his parents? Important to know that now and any concerns over possible parental alienation.

@Waveysnail and @CourtneyLurve

It is completely irrelevant what other two year olds need or what other families do. THIS two year old has a routine of being fed to sleep by her mother every night. Her father has never done bedtimes. This will obviously have to change now the parents are seperated but she's a child not a robot - she can't be expected to just flip a button and be amenable to a completely different way of life just because that suits her father. She needs time to adjust and there is no reason why her parents cannot make these changes gently and in tune with her comfort. It took me several months to fully wean my daughter at 2.5. Bedtime feed was one of the last to go, and it was phased out very gently and gradually, because why would I cause my child upset and distress when there was no need? There's no need here. Dad just needs to be patient.

Just because in your opinion the OP's parenting style isn't 'necessary', that doesn't change the fact it's what her child is used to and comforted by. That can't change in the blink of an eye.

[quote VeniceQueen2004]**@Waveysnail* and @CourtneyLurve*

It is completely irrelevant what other two year olds need or what other families do. THIS two year old has a routine of being fed to sleep by her mother every night. Her father has never done bedtimes. This will obviously have to change now the parents are seperated but she's a child not a robot - she can't be expected to just flip a button and be amenable to a completely different way of life just because that suits her father. She needs time to adjust and there is no reason why her parents cannot make these changes gently and in tune with her comfort. It took me several months to fully wean my daughter at 2.5. Bedtime feed was one of the last to go, and it was phased out very gently and gradually, because why would I cause my child upset and distress when there was no need? There's no need here. Dad just needs to be patient.

Just because in your opinion the OP's parenting style isn't 'necessary', that doesn't change the fact it's what her child is used to and comforted by. That can't change in the blink of an eye.[/quote]
He's her father. He's entitled to see his daughter, the same as the mother.

@VeniceQueen2004 thats as may be but unfortunately babies don't always follow legal entitlements. he made the decision to become a weekend dad, you need to be 100% in your daughter's corner. of course this does need to be balanced with the benefits of her having a father in her life long-term, so work out what you think is reasonable, I always did every other weekend and a midweek visit somewhere near me, father did all the traveling.

Yes, he's her father. He should want to make the change as easy for her as possible.

Not stand on his rights and demand instant submission.

I think he sounds angry and confused and like my ex uses the child as an excuse for these emotions. hugs to you op i always remember packing my 18mo's stuff up for her first weekend with him

Not unreasonable at all - I think I've read before about the courts taking breastfeeding into consideration about overnight stays. I'd definitely speak to a solicitor asap, I'm sorry you're going through this and that it sounds like he is bullying you.

I feed my 21 month old to sleep and wouldn't change it for the world so I understand how you must be feeling

Actually it's about the child and their best interests. Parents don't have rights to their children. The entire focus of the children's order is the interests of the child. Children cannot be divided in 2 to suit the parents. The fact that this child is breastfed means that for the moment overnights are not possible until the child is fully weaned off night feeds. However inconvenient or dissatisfaction to the father.

Well said @VeniceQueen2004

I think with bedtime he needs to find his own way to put her to bed without you being part of it; unless you’re planning to stop feeding her to sleep any time soon (and no reason you should) then this issue isn’t going to just go away.
In terms of the distance he lives away I think every other week is reasonable; it will be far more unsettling and confusing for him to see her at your house or at friends houses. He needs to find a routine with her. Also the courts won’t think the drive is unreasonable in my experience.
I think if she’s used to staying at his by the time she starts nursery then it won’t be too unsettling.
I do get your concerns but I also think you need to accept that what he does with your DD when he sees her is his decision in the same way what you do is your decision.

Your child needs to see her father and spend time with him.
The fact that you don’t agree on bedtime routines isn’t the question here.
Has you partner ever shown any unkindness to her?
He has every right to have her over at his home. That you choose to continue to breastfeed her can be circumvented by expressing milk for her if you feel that she really needs your milk. Or is it a bonding/comfort issue?
You will need to get legal advice and you may well be told that your partner has an equal right to having her at his home.
I’m sorry to say but you don’t appear to have an exclusive right to put your daughter to bed and a court will probably put paid to that notion.

So he wants his DD to cry herself to sleep at night without her mum? To me this comes across as him caring more about punishing you than keeping his child happy. He sounds lovely
I definitely wouldn't do the driving. Although is he the type to not bring her back?

I think you are being a bit unfair.

I wonder if his unpleasantness is because you are making it difficult for him to have time with his own daughter.

She is 2 years old, you've been separated 6 weeks, by now you should have got her used to going to sleep without feeding to sleep. A child has two parents, she has an engaged father who wants to be involved, he is every bit as important as you.