Separated with 2 year old and trying to agree on childcare

[Mango85]

Hello , this is my first post although I have read many. I'm struggling with a separation at the moment, my partner left me about six weeks ago and moved to his parents house. There was no big reason for the split, he says he was unhappy and can't be with me anymore pretty much (we were together 8 years). He's also incredibly angry with me and being very horrible. For a bit more context, he lost his job about 18 months ago as he was made redundant and hasn't found anything since, he's also been suffering a bit with his mental health, he angers easily and also admitted to me that he had had suicidal thoughts. We've also been living with my parents this whole year as we were doing work on our house which paused during lock down. He says these factors are nothing to do with how he feels about me though.

Since he left, he says he's thinking really clearly and is certain about his decision. I'm sort of okay with that, I do think we had problems although I would be willing to work through them, especially as we have a small child. The thing that I'm really struggling with is trying to organise childcare with him. I've always been the person to put our daughter to bed at night through feeding her to sleep. Now he wants her to spend some nights with him, I do have a bit of a problem with this as it upsets me that we have to change our routine because he's decided to leave but I am willing to compromise as long as she gets use to him putting her to bed first. The thought of her crying out for me when I'm not in the same house I find really upsetting. He's refusing to let this happen, I asked him to put her to bed a couple of weeks ago after he dropped her off, he was upstairs for an hour with her and she was calling out for me (he told me this, I stayed downstairs and put a key in the door so she didn't see me), then he came down in a rage and told me I was manipulative and he was so glad he wasn't with me anymore. He also started squaring up to me until I told him to step away (I don't think he would hit me but he does try to intimidate me, it doesn't really work though). Also, I did try and go and put her to bed at his parents house on one occasion and she got excited when she saw me and took a while to get to sleep. He kept coming in and asking why it was taking so long, what I was playing at and that I wasn't welcome in his parents house, this is while our daughter was suckling on my boob almost asleep.

More recently, he sent a message saying he would be collecting our daughter for the weekend, I said that's fine as long as he puts in writing that I can collect her in the evening because of the overnight issue, instead of trying to agree something he sent an angry text then didn't see her all weekend.

The other thing that we are struggling with is in a few weeks I'm going to be moving back to our house which we have been away from for lockdown and the drive to his parents will be nearly 2 hours. He wants our daughter to stay with him once a week for a few days and do this long drive. I feel this is too much for a two year old and that he should try and find a different solution. I think it would mess with her sleep, she gets car sick and the thought of her going on the motorway twice a week I don't really like. Also, she will be settling in back at nursery and I just feel his plan is putting his needs first rather than our daughters. He could stay in our spare room or with friends rather than subject our daughter to that journey, at least while she settles back at nursery. I don't know if I'm being overprotective and I should be more flexible. Would love to hear some other perspectives on this.

Ps lots of children who are breastfed manage nights at grandparents etc
They are amazingly adaptable, by age 2 the feeding is for comfort and not primary source of nutrition, and a child can be comforted in many ways, not only with a breast. She will quickly adapt to daddy cuddling/rocking her at bedtime but she wont do so until you let him have her.

I think at 2 she will learn to settle with him and you need to give him the chance to get on with it. Doesn't mean you have to stop when she is with you.

EOW when he is 2 hours away sounds normal and also he does the travelling.

If he's not working he has far more time than you to do it...

Thank you @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland and @RandomMess. I think there is part of me that feels like I’m being over protective but then part of me fears our daughter being upset and confused that I’m not there and this really upsets me. It’s reassuring to hear that you think a two year old should be fine.

He was horrible before he started asking for overnight stays. He only started asking a couple of weeks after he left.

He has painted you as the reason for all his pain and is clearly going through some issues.

When he ended your relationship you stopped being responsible for his wellbeing and whilst I know it's not a switch you have to switch any feelings you have off and think about what's best for you and your child.

A 2 year old travelling 2 hours a couple of times a week is not reasonable.

Have you also got finances sorted as if he cant get to you through your child that will be his next goal.

If he squares up to you again call the police, dont hesitate.

@Bibijayne There have been no major disagreements in his parents house to warrant me not being welcome there. I’ve clashed with his mum a couple of time but nothing major, just over silly differences of opinion. When I was there a few months ago before the break up we were having drinks in the garden and all was friendly.

What makes you say parental alienation, I just looked it up but don’t understand what you mean in this scenario, sorry if I’m being a bit slow.

@LouHotel finances are not sorted yet. I feel the person I was in a relationship with would have been fair but I’m not so sure with this new imposter version!

Mango I'm a lawyer, courts 1st consideration is the well being of your daughter. Overnights would have to be worked towards, talking into account the circumstances of your life together. As you were the one who has always put her to sleep when you were together no one can expect a 2 year old to just settle with daddy because that's what daddy would like. It would be different if while you were together he was putting her to bed regularly while you went out or had a bath etc but your daughter has only ever been put to bed by you as I understand your posts.

Contact with her father on those circumstances would have to be built up so that your daughter was comfortable being soothed to sleep by her father. Her whole life has changed in her dad leaving.

Tbh his whole attitude is awful. It is clear that you have tried to assist him to putting her to sleep and that he cannot cope with the fact that your child doesn't instantly respond to him.

Babies as we all know aren't like that.
Please go and see a lawyer and have someone in your corner even if they are only advising in the background if you don't want to formally use lawyers at this stage.

I think you need to see a solicitor and don't get tied into a normal that you don't feel is right for your child. I know it wouldn't have been right for my children to travel that distance every week. They also wouldn't have magically become more resilient because daddy left and it was convenient-quite the opposite. You know your child and she's clearly got lots to adapt to already and you're right, starting nursery is tiring should be in a stable context. Also this arrangement won't work long term when she's at school so don't get something started now that will become her normal and subsequently change.

Your ex sounds extremely self absorbed and in a very bad place to put his child first if he's eaten up with anger, even in her presence. Take legal advice but in your shoes I would be offering EO weekend (day time only until she's older) and 1 half day at the child's home town during the week. And keeping notes and filming aggressive behaviour.

Ultimately you pay a high price as a dad if you leave the family home and move. You accept there will be less face to face time with your child and a lot of traveling, especially with a young child. He doesn't sound like he realises that and a solicitor may explain it more clearly to him. It doesn't matter if he feels aggrieved, he has to fit around his child's timetable and that routine is specific to a location.

I might offer to meet halfway on one trip once a fortnight.

I think you’re being unfair on the overnights
He’s her dad
Courts would most likely rule overnights at this age. Absolutely zero reason why not

On the travelling he should do that if he’s moving away

You’re not being fair to the dad, you don’t get to decide everything now and have it as you like it.
Get this sorted out now fairly, if it goes to court he WILL be allowed his child overnight and regularly and it will cost you both a fortune in legal fees

He's her dad. He doesn't sound like the greatest dad in the world, but he does sound committed and like he's actually keen to step up and be a parent during his contact time.

Unless there are neglect/abuse concerns, a dad should be capable of caring for his kids overnight. Since my DC was 18 months, his dad has frequently had him for weekends by himself while I've been away with friends and once or twice for a whole week when I've been on work trips. I appreciate this is a slightly different scenario as your ex sounds quite unpleasant and your DD very dependent on you, but this might be the making of their relationship if he actually has to parent her. I think your DD does need a chance to see him as a primary carer as well as you.

Fwiw, the first few nights I was away, DC absolutely refused to settle, so DH let him stay up watching cartoons until he fell asleep on the sofa. I wasn't best pleased with this, but eventually DC accepted that DH could do bedtime as well and actually fusses a lot less for his dad because he's not such an easy touch!

I also think YABU slightly.

*I think at 2 she will learn to settle with him and you need to give him the chance to get on with it. Doesn't mean you have to stop when she is with you.

EOW when he is 2 hours away sounds normal and also he does the travelling*

I agree with the above 100%. She’s 2, she will be fine not having you there for the evening.

He is her dad. He has just as much right as you to have his daughter.

Thanks @BluebellForest836, what's your view if he won't agree to EOW, do you think a two hour drive each way to his parents house and back once a week is reasonable?

@Mango85 what is unreasonable is setting a precedent that won't work when she is at full time nursery/school at which point you will want EOW with her in order to have quality time together.

I would try and remain ultra reasonable and keep all communication via email.

You could say that although contact needs to be built up little and often in the longer term due to the current travelling time EOW/fortnightly visits are more appropriate due to nursery.

Then suggest a proposal that starts weekly for 2 nights then goes up to 8/9 days and staying for 3 nights then EOW and he could have one weekday overnight in between that won't be possible when she is in full time education.

You could be generous and offer to meet him half way on one journey once per fortnight?

Make it a very clear schedule of what you propose and stating you think this would be the easiest transition for DD to get to a workable contact arrangement and that you will, of course, be open to tweaking it to take into account his commitments and thoughts.

This is the sort of evidence at mediation and court that shows you are enabling contact whilst promoting DDs welfare.

@RandomMess Thank you so much, that's really helpful. I hadn't thought about setting a precedent for when she goes to school, that seems so far away but it sounds sensible.

Most arrangements are every other weekend for the weekend.

Then maybe a night in the week which won’t be probably won’t be feasible due to distance/nursery time’s/his job etc..

What hours will she do at nursery?

I wouldn’t agree to every weekend on the basis that it won’t be long (time flys) and she will be in school and why should you do all the school crap and he gets the fun weekends. If you give it to him now it will be harder to take away in a year or so.

If I’m honest... 2 hour trip there and then straight back so 4 hours ... I can’t see him keeping it up for very long if it was every weekend anyway ... that’s 8 hours every weekend which is a lot to do every weekend. He will probably get bored of doing it real quick if you did every weekend.

You just need to watch out he doesn’t collect her and then say you have to collect her and that he will keep her until you can.... do you think he would do that?

@BluebellForest836 At nursery she'll be doing Tues, Wed, Thurs. I look after DD Fridays and the plan is for him to look after DD on Mondays. At the moment he looks after DD on Thursdays and I look after DD Fridays (my mum looks after DD Mon, Tues, Wed) but I've switched that for when DD starts back at nursery in September. Currently he is looking for work as he was made redundant.

He wanted an arrangement where DD stayed with him Sunday to Tuesday but when I organised nursery I felt that I can juggle the Monday if we haven't sorted things out properly then I could give notice for the Tuesday if needed. If he moved closer then I would be okay with that (I think) but with the living situation I'm not comfortable with that pattern every week. I think the idea of EOW sounds more sensible in the long term.

I guess if he demanded I picked DD up we would need to get a legal document clarifying who does what. I don't know if he would do that, he is doing a lot of things right now that I wouldn't have thought he would have done though.

I think you are right about the journey too, it sounds epic having all that travel time every week, especially a four hour round trip. I find the journey one way a lot!

Could you just clarify what days you work? Are they likely to change and do you have any flexibility in which days you work?

@RandomMess I work Monday to Thursday I could change my days if I have to but would prefer not to I also have lots of annual leave left this year

Then I think you make it clear that you want alternate Friday to Sunday with your daughter as that is your quality time together. If he wants to have DD weekly as an interim arrangement he can't do it in your free time with DD. I would keep her nursery place whether she uses it or not so you aren't beholden to him.

So yes he could do Sunday to Tuesday one week then it would need to be Monday to Wednesday the alternate one.

What sort of work does he do - is he likely to work weekends or Mon-Friday?

Hi sorry to hear of situation. I just wanted to post as I feel youve had some harsh and ill informed comments re nursing your daughter.

My 2.5yr old feeds to sleep. Many of my friends toddlers feed to sleep too. All are bright, happy, confident and well-adjusted. It is developmentally normal to be nursing at this age if the child is being allowed to self-wean. So many posters seem to insinuate that this aspect of your relationship with your daughter can be turned off like a switch.

When I had my youngest I had to spend several days in hospital and my eldest, then nearly 2, was in pieces at home with daddy as he tried everything and could not get her to sleep as she wanted me and her milk. ..in the end he had to drive around till she slept then he did this several times each night as she kept waking up in bed and crying for me and could not be settled back to sleep.

I am annoyed on your behalf OP, that some posters also dont seem to reflect that your daughter is likely to have greater emotional needs and need for nursing due to the split. My marriage is really on the rocks and my eldest is feeding way more.. not a coincidence sadly.

Good luck to you OP

Thanks @Fallon12, hope things improve your end with your relationship

@RandomMess He's currently out of work apart from a few freelance bits that don't pay much. That's the reason he's living with his parents rather than finding somewhere nearby. If I buy him out of our property (which I can just about do) then he would be able to afford somewhere but he keeps avoiding that conversation.

I know he isn't working at the moment but if he would usually work Mon- Fri then that is all the more reason to protect your weekend and get to an EOW situation.

You don't need his permission to force sale of the house/divorce, if he won't engage just get the ball rolling legally.

Thanks @RandomMess, he would normally work a four day week like me so we can both have a week day with our daughter but I guess it depends what he finds! I really hope he finds something soon as I'm hoping when he does he will be a bit nicer!