Midlife crisis vs family responsibilities

[emptydreamer]

The thread is not directly about me, although there surely are certain similarities. It is inspired by several discussions I had with friends over the last couple of weeks - it seems that the lockdown had triggered an early onset of the dreaded midlife crisis in many of us.

So I will call the abstract heroine Mary.
Mary has a steady, secure and well-paid job - let's say, she's an accountant. She is also a parent to a couple of small children, and let's make it even more difficult - a lone parent, so there's no help or a safety net from a partner.
Mary is quite unhappy in her job, and has been for some time. She has always dreamt of doing something very different - let's say, veterinary medicine. Going back to uni to re-train means that Mary's family will have to live a very basic lifestyle for a couple of years, and then some, until Mary catches up in her earning power.

So the question.

Does Mary owe it to her children to stay in a mind-numbingly boring, but safe job? Or does she owe it to herself to try something she really wants?

Yes, I would suggest trying a smaller change - eg still be an accountant but for a company in a sector that interests Mary more? - before such a major change.

@Dinnafashyersel

Not disputing that HardBackwriter, but in the Op "Mary's" children will be similarly placed whether or not she makes a change.

In OP's posts it's made clear that it will mean changes in lifestyle for the children, including no holidays or extracurricular activities and possibly leaving private school. None of those things are necessities but it's not realistic to think that DC won't notice or miss them if they currently have them and then they stop.

I say go for it Mary, be brave. There will always be something stopping you. You get one turn round with your current consciousness. Anything your family lacks materially (assuming they will have adequate shelter, food, warmth and clothing) will be made up by showing them they do not have to live their lives constrained by a level of materiality set by everyone else - live life as free as you can. So what if you have to have no holidays, no sky etc for a year or so. If you don’t do it you’ll probably get to 75 and wish you had.

If it all goes belly up and you have some professional qualifications you can always go back.

I had a parent who did this and I still am annoyed about it.

While it is a good lesson for a child that they cannot have all they want all the time, it's crap when all your friends have X and you have the shitty knock off from the market. They are all having holidays or X, Y and Z and you never have that.

The grass isn't always greener with regards to professions.

I did the leave corporate finance for something completely different and although it’s true that e.g. I can’t send my dc to private school, I feel we have won every step of the way.

But then we have changed our lives completely an now live in a very unconventional way, which would have been impossible while in the old jobs.

So what if you have to have no holidays, no sky etc for a year or so.

For all of the examples OP has given we're not talking 'a year or so', we're talking a significant chunk of the children's childhood.

So what if you have to have no holidays, no sky etc for a year or so.

It's not going to be a year or so though, is it? To completely retrain in a new career and to then get from being essentially a graduate trainee up to the earning level the OP and her friends are currently, will take many years - maybe the rest of their DC's childhoods.

OP your DC are only going to be DC for a fixed amount of time. What do you want them to be able to look back on their childhood and remember? Do you want them to remember being skint? Not being able to afford a holiday? Being taken out of the school they loved and away from their friends? Watching other kids have things they can't have? I know that's the reality for many kids whose DPs never have the option to give them anything else, but why would you CHOOSE that?

When I first left uni I fell into a well-paid career area quite by accident. I didn't love it - the work didn't really interest me - and after a couple of years I left and went and did something I did want to do. I was delighted to be getting out of the job that didn't make me feel happy and I willingly gave up £7k a year to make that happen. Guess what? The new job WAS a much better fit for my skills and interests, but it SUCKED always being skint, plus the new job had longer hours and was way more stressful - all for less money. I stuck it for three years and then I went and got another job back in my old job area, because by then I'd figured out that what makes me happy isn't my job, it's what I do outside my job and having enough money to enjoy my life outside work was far more important.

So be careful what you wish for - chances are the grass isn't greener.

I agree with that, Zafferana. I'm not really sure that most people, actually, if asked what the most fulfilling part of their life is, would say it was their job. I think most people would say it was spending time with their family, having a good relationship and lots of fun times with their partner, travelling & seeing new places, spending time in nature or pursuing their interests such as gardening, going to the theatre, cooking.

The reality is that for most working people, our job prevents us from doing those things as much as we'd like. Retraining and having to start on the bottom rung, having to do the shitty shifts & oncalls, long hours, studying for 3-4 years etc would only just add to those constraints and make it 10 times worse. It could put a real strain on a marriage, and if you've got more introverted children who enjoy being at home with family they could really be quite unhappy at having to spend many hours in before and after school provision. I know many families don't have any choice in doing this, but when you DO, changes of direction like "Mary" is thinking of, really do need considering from everyone's perspective.

I don't really agree with those that say that life's too short to be in a job you're not happy with. It is for those who are bloody miserable and who cry at the thought of going back to work after a holiday, or sit all day looking at their watch thinking the day is dragging, but for most people, we just bimble along through the working day, don't we, and pay our bills each month? It's the pleasure of what is at home that is most fulfilling for most of us. Just look at how many people have said that they have really got closer to their family after spending more with them/working from home during lockdown. Or got into gardening, much to their surprise. It's THAT which people have found fulfilling during lockdown, mostly. Round by me, I still see older couples & families going for walks every day, a routine started during lockdown, and they've kept it up because they've realised how much they enjoy it.

Also re private schooling. I would think VERY carefullly about taking your children out of private school. I went to a good university but I'd come from a state school and most people on my course had been to private schools. You could really tell. Their level of knowledge and self-confidence was so far ahead of mine. With school funding under increasing pressure even more so now, and a real shortage of good teachers, you would be a fool to take your child out of private education IMO. At the school I work in, we can't even recruit to some teaching posts. We are grateful for 2 or 3 applcants, but often they're only adequate. I don't think parents realise how it is for some state schools these days.

The reality for those who have already been through a degree in their youth, is that it's bloody hard for most people to afford to go back and pay for another one themselves. I did look into it and I didn't qualify for any help and didn't think that financial risk was worth taking.

Someone seemed surprised at others feeling there was an expectation now of contributing towards university fees for their children. Well, yes, of course there is. It's not like how it was when we were young and at uni in the 90s or whenever, with grants. Student loans are still means-tested. If parental income is at a certain level then their child won't get a full loan and the expectation is on the parents to top up the money their child is receiving. Even when they do that it still isnt' enough to cover rent in some places so students are still having to get jobs anyway to cover the rest. There will be so much competition for casual jobs now so it is risky reducing your ability to help your child with THEIR way through higher education just becuase you want to go back and change to something else. I wish things were different and easier, but they're not.

I think a lot of different views come from people’s different ideas of what constitutes a steady well paid job. Is it 9-5, no weekends no travel uninterrupted or is it 60+ hours a week with lots of travel and half the holidays spent on the phone?

Because the latter is the experience of me and most of our friends. And so giving that up means giving up loads of money but actually having the time to have a relationship with our dc while they are young, rather than being the absent parent who has to buy everything in.

So it’s not quite giving your dc everything or nothing, but giving your dc different things.