Midlife crisis vs family responsibilities

[emptydreamer]

The thread is not directly about me, although there surely are certain similarities. It is inspired by several discussions I had with friends over the last couple of weeks - it seems that the lockdown had triggered an early onset of the dreaded midlife crisis in many of us.

So I will call the abstract heroine Mary.
Mary has a steady, secure and well-paid job - let's say, she's an accountant. She is also a parent to a couple of small children, and let's make it even more difficult - a lone parent, so there's no help or a safety net from a partner.
Mary is quite unhappy in her job, and has been for some time. She has always dreamt of doing something very different - let's say, veterinary medicine. Going back to uni to re-train means that Mary's family will have to live a very basic lifestyle for a couple of years, and then some, until Mary catches up in her earning power.

So the question.

Does Mary owe it to her children to stay in a mind-numbingly boring, but safe job? Or does she owe it to herself to try something she really wants?

It's about choices. She chose to have a family, so they must come first. So, I'd say that resigning and relying on grants/family etc,. probably isn't on.

However, if she can study part-time e.g. with the OU, then it's doable. I know, I studied that way. It's harder but has less impact on the family.

I career changed in my late-twenties, early thirties, from scientist to teacher and bitterly regret it now. In hindsight, I'd been sold the idea that as long as I worked hard, got good A-levels, degree etc, then I'd find a job I enjoyed, instead of having to work a horrible minimum wage job. What I now realise, is that I hate the loss of freedom that comes with having to go out to work every day. It wasn't the job of being a scientist in itself that I hated. I worked for a really good company that really looked after it's employees as well, on really good money, and there were loads of opportunities to move sideways, but being the dickhead that I was at the time, I jacked it all in to go travelling and volunteering abroad (I didn't enjoy working abroad either, for exactly the same reason). I still do work full-time, because I like the money, but I've come to an acceptance that I will always resent the loss of freedom that comes with working.

All jobs have unpleasant aspects to them, the grass will definitely seem greener than it actually is.

I would look to pursue my interests as a hobby, and concentrate on building up plenty of savings now to retire early. Of course, that depends on what your interests are, as you can't be a hobby doctor.

For me a mid-life crisis is more like blowing your savings on a sports car, or similar expensive and frivolous self-indulgence with no lasting value.

What the OP describes seems more like people realising that life is short, the only one we get, and that they could be living theirs in a more fulfilling way.

I’m not unbiased though.

I went back to uni and had a career change in my late thirties/early forties. Things were a bit tight financially for a while, but we survived and I have never regretted it.

They should go for it!

I regularly meet people who tell me they wish they had the courage to do similar as they’re not happy with what they are doing, but are afraid to try something different.

I think, from looking on here, a lot of people do think that, especially with regard medicine.

Problem is that what they are thinking is that "I'll fill out the application, and they do take people who never did science A-levels, so that's not a problem, a couple of poor years and then I'll be luxuriating in the life of a doctor, working 3.5 days a week for three times the pay I have now and loving the job because my own is so boring."

The reality is that even graduate medicine is highly competitive to get in, and although some places will consider someone who didn't do science A-level, it's rare they actually take them on.
It's not just a couple of years of being a bit poor. It's more than that: trying to work shift work round childcare, studying for exams while your children have chickenpox, finding you've got a placement 90 minute commute away, the total exhaustion when you get a day off and you need to get the children their new school shoes when all you want to do is sleep...
And then when you eventually become a doctor, it doesn't stop there. You still need to do exams. You will be late home after shifts. You won't find the pay as amazing as you think-and you'll be paying back that student loan on top.

My dd has just finished the first year of the same degree I did. I can look at what she's doing and it feels familiar. Could I do it? I don't even know where to start! I'm looking at a question and knowing that I would have found it easy when I was 19yo. I now can't bring to mind how to solve it.
Yes, if you have the drive to succeed, then you will want to do it, and that makes it easier. However I think for a lot of mid-life crisis ideas it's not so much the doing it that they're dreaming of, it's the new changed me at the end having breezed through the studying. That's why not many people actually go through with it.

A bit like getting fit. Most people like the idea of getting fit. They can visualise themselves effortlessly running the marathon with people looking admiringly at their slim body and toned muscles. But they don't want to do the process that gets there.
Of my similar aged friends on fb, I think around 70% have started jogging at some point with the idea of getting fit. Very few, I've just looked and would estimate around 2%, have continued it and got to the stage of running marathons. They've done amazingly, and I am in awe of them. I suspect you'll find similar numbers on the mid-life crisis job change.

Is 'Mary' thinking about applying through clearing for this autumn, is this why it's coming up now? Because my advice would be to not do this, and to plan to start study in autumn 2021. That gives a year to save, to make very realistic financial and childcare plans and to assess whether this is a short-term, pandemic/mid-life thing or whether it actually is what Mary wants long-term. The process of applying might also be helpful to clarify - for some of the sort of courses you are talking about it might not actually be all that easy to get on without some experience or other evidence of long-term commitment, which again might help to clarify how badly 'Mary' really wants this.

I was looking from the perspective of "what they have now" vs "what they will have then"

My first thought on reading your OP was that they haven't thought of the work inbetween. They see themselves in a prestigious job but not the years of training and shifts to get there. They may also be discounting the shifts involved at the working end of med/vet when qualified as well.

If you have young children, I'd say the shifts would make it extremely difficult. The medic I know had her children after qualifying.

I think the issue with vet or doctor type training mean your doing shitty shifts that make it very difficult to train around children?
I’ve looked at both over the years and just couldn’t fathom how I would do it.

But I do have zero support network.

Hahaha Cross post with @chiccroissant

The awkward long unexpected shifts are going to be an issue.
If your training to be a vet or doctor and an emergency comes in at 4.30 you can’t leave to get the kids. You’ll be expected to do overnights at the hospital (both vet and human) whilst training.

If you’ve a really good support network you’ll manage it.

@Witchend
There's a lot of truth in what you have said. In my particular case 'Mary' has already jumped (I am moving from corporate finance to research in a niche STEM area this year, but I did not slam all doors behind me either). But yes, it does look like the "new image" thing explains a lot of motivation.

I would say that this is the year to do it because holidays are off, kids activities that cost lots of money are off and in fact, if there was ever a time mary's kids won't notice that there is no money for luxuries it is this year and maybe the next few years. I would say go for it.

U and not feasible for most parents to quit paid work for costly higher ed that takes many years and requires long/unsocial hours.

Things like moving to a different, Ok paid job in another field or doing HE study part time is different.

Happier parents confident enough to pursue their ambitions while meeting their responsibilities tend to make for children more likely to do the same.

No-one knows the future but if the biblical proverb is to be believed it is better to speculate to accumulate rather than sit on your attributes while they wither.

@emptydreamer

I may or may not be writing this from my own early onset midlife crisis. It is weird but now, when I catch up with old friends post lockdown, the conversation (after a glass or two) almost inevitably turns to this topic - how unhappy everyone is doing what they are doing, and maybe it is the right time to pursue old dreams. I don't know whether it is only in my circle or a wider phenomenon.

Happening with some of my friends too.

Hard to know whether it’s because we felt a bit unhappy before and lockdown has amplified it, or whether lockdown is just. Abusing extra stress for those of us who still working as we’re working longer hours.

@ilovemyrednosedaymug

What you describe as a "basic" lifestyle is a normal lifestyle for lots of people. Nobody I know can afford to put away money for their DC's university years or a house deposit and I know lots of kids who don't do clubs/music lessons/sports etc as the parents can't afford it.

So if that is the sort of lifestyle change you would undergo, then maybe the person should pursue their dreams.

If the DC are very little and childcare is going to be an issue, then maybe wait a few years depending on your own age.

This is not about those people though. This is about "Mary" who has a different current lifestyle.

EvilPea

It is a point often forgotten though or just blatently ignored when people talk about their dream job especially if it is Medicine.

lonelygirl yes I know that, hence my post stating that a lot of people live that life at the moment and manage to exist quite happily, so if "Mary" wants to live that lifestyle, then it is not going to kill her or her family.

I think lockdown has prompted a change in many of us. I am nearing retirement age and over lockdown I did get all pension pots in a row and detailed out and set a retirement date. I am lucky enough to love my current job but I have plans of what I want to do next and lockdown helped spur me on to that next stage.

i did in fact have a bit of a mid life crisis and decided to study law at University, when i have trained as an accountant.

(no kids though/mortgage paid off)

What i have found, i enjoy the course and the difference in my life BUT i would not want to start a career as a lawyer, at nearly 50 when i have been fairly senior in my career. i just do not want to do the juinior grunt work to work my way back up.

(luckily i am doing this for fun, and will combine with accounting when i return to full time work as an accountant)

but the reality of being a junior again, reporting to people of say 24 will be very strange and not many people can happily manage that.

As PP have said, what puts me off a major career change is not so much the years of training as the years of being junior, at others’ beck and call, doing the grunt work.

Being a junior in many professions is pretty incompatible with being (a) a parent and (b) older and used to being more in charge of your own life and time. The junior years might be enjoyable in your mid 20s with a bunch of similar age juniors to hang out with and when you’ve never been senior, but not in your 40s.

so if "Mary" wants to live that lifestyle, then it is not going to kill her or her family.
No, of course not, I have never said that. But the life change will inevitably be, in a certain sense, at the expense of the children.

Not changing your lifestyle when dissatisfied almost certainly is also at the "expense" of children. If that were not the case then everyone would stay married / not move away from GPs and friends / never change job "for the sake of the children."

My older 2 are grown up and both at Uni. Beyond knowing they can afford to go to Uni, with or without our help, and go on to live their lives they have no interest in our finances. In fact family experience here suggests family "support" creates more ties and obligations than freedoms.

@Dinnafashyersel

Not changing your lifestyle when dissatisfied almost certainly is also at the "expense" of children. If that were not the case then everyone would stay married / not move away from GPs and friends / never change job "for the sake of the children."

My older 2 are grown up and both at Uni. Beyond knowing they can afford to go to Uni, with or without our help, and go on to live their lives they have no interest in our finances. In fact family experience here suggests family "support" creates more ties and obligations than freedoms.

I suspect that if your DC have no interest in your finances that's because there's usually been enough. DC growing up in a home where they learn that most things they want and some they feel they need are out of reach because of money - or, say, where they had to leave a school where they had friends and felt settled because their parents could no longer afford it - don't really have the luxury of having no interest in the family finances.

Not disputing that HardBackwriter, but in the Op "Mary's" children will be similarly placed whether or not she makes a change.

There are lots of good reasons to look to get out of an unfulfilling job, or one that is unpleasant or just not suited to a person's abilities or personality.

It's less important generally to go into some other very specific area, like being a et or robotics engineer. If that's the dream, look into it, but the fact is most people don't end up in a dream job for many good reasons. The dream job may, however, be a good indicator of what kind of work mighht suit, in a looser sense.