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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blended Family

33 replies

Monkeyjess5594 · 10/08/2020 19:54

Hey I need some advice in the end of 2017 I met a new fella he has full custody of his daughter and I have two girls from a previous relationship shortly after we got together I fell pregnant with our son. my eldest daughter's and son's birthdays are 8 days apart and the other two girls birthdays are 11 days apart. His extended family such as nan and Aunt and uncle seem to think that its OK to just get the kids biologically related to my partner birthday presents but not the other two. Is it reasonable for me to be upset and angry that my two girls are left out because they aren't biologically related?

OP posts:
CoRhona · 10/08/2020 20:27

Will your girls' dad buy gifts for your other children?

You might not like it and it might seem unfair but your other children have their own extended family.

Original poster
Monkeyjess5594 · 10/08/2020 20:49

My daughters father is not a part of their lives and neither is his family immediate or extended

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 10/08/2020 20:53

Personally I’d include all the children.

My sister has just started seeing someone with 2 children and i will be including them in Christmas and buying birthday gifts.

LovingLola · 10/08/2020 20:55

It’s very unfair but I suppose that is one of the risks you take when families are blended.
What does your dp think about it?

BluebellForest836 · 10/08/2020 20:57

They aren’t their actual family. They don’t have to buy them anything.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/08/2020 20:58

I don’t tend to buy for step children as they have their own families to do that. It means they end up with more than the others which I don’t feel is fair. Different if adopted by a step parent.

maybemu · 10/08/2020 21:00

I have a step niece and always buy her presents but I can see their point of view my parents and grandparents have a similar view

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 10/08/2020 21:03

I would buy for them.

It's not fair to expect that though, you guys have made choices and chose to blend the family, it doesn't mean that his family have to wholeheartedly accept them and treat them equally.

They may be worried they get attached and then you two spilt up and they won't see them, or that your kids bio father has family lavishing gifts as well.

Step families are so complicated it's not fair to tell everyone they have to treat kids they aren't related to as if they are.

emilybrontescorsett · 10/08/2020 21:09

I wouldn't expect them to buy for your dc to be fair.

Countrysidelife54 · 10/08/2020 21:11

I would buy them presents but some in laws are twatty like that.

Nottherealslimshady · 10/08/2020 21:18

I'd buy them Christmas but not birthday presents I think. But I dont think you can expect them to buy your kids presents when they're not related to them and I don't think they've really known your kids long.

Reluctantcavedweller · 10/08/2020 21:19

I love buying gifts for children so would definitely get your girls something (even if just a token). That said, I'm not sure you can expect it (but it is a bit mean).

Reluctantcavedweller · 10/08/2020 21:19

Sorry, just seen one DD and DS!

OneMoreLight · 10/08/2020 21:20

I'd buy a token gift fro Christmas.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 10/08/2020 21:23

This is complicated
They may expect your daughter's bio relatives to be buying them present and so don't expect to double up.

Somewheresun · 10/08/2020 21:35

I think it's mean to leave them out, birthdays they should be sending your daughters a card .At Christmas I would expect all your children to be treated the same.

rainbowsandrage · 10/08/2020 21:38

I have a step-son from DH's first marriage and DH and I have two children together. When we got together my step-son was 3 and my family have never left him out of anything. They've treated him as their own from day one. (We have 50/50 custody with his mum and our relationship with her is brilliant). Even before our own children were born, my parents opened my step-son a savings account so that he was the same as all their other grandchildren. Even though he had both sets of biological grandparents, my parents took their role on with gusto, as did my brothers in their roles as Uncles. I'm sorry OP but your DP needs to be having a word with his family. Your kids are his kids, regardless of biology. (In my humble opinion).

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 10/08/2020 21:38

I agree with @DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult.

In reality, I’m not sure I could leave kids out when buying gifts but I’d probably spend the same money and split it 4 ways rather than 2.

However, just because you and your DP chose to “blend” families (I hate that term), that doesn’t mean the extended family have to (unless they wish to). There are a whole host of reasons why they might not want to including the fact they might not have naturally developed a close relationship with these children in the same way as they have with the children they’re biologically related to (known them longer, more direct contact etc).

Your anger should perhaps be focused on the children’s biological father and extended family for bring absent. It’s not up to your DP’s extended family to full that void though. If they were getting loads of love, attention and presents from that side would you be insisting that they treated your DP’s children the same ? I doubt it.

Somewheresun · 10/08/2020 21:42

@rainbowsandrage

I have a step-son from DH's first marriage and DH and I have two children together. When we got together my step-son was 3 and my family have never left him out of anything. They've treated him as their own from day one. (We have 50/50 custody with his mum and our relationship with her is brilliant). Even before our own children were born, my parents opened my step-son a savings account so that he was the same as all their other grandchildren. Even though he had both sets of biological grandparents, my parents took their role on with gusto, as did my brothers in their roles as Uncles. I'm sorry OP but your DP needs to be having a word with his family. Your kids are his kids, regardless of biology. (In my humble opinion).
You and your family sound lovely :)
Waveysnail · 10/08/2020 21:42

Do they have a relationship with non bio children? So they go to grandparents house? Do they stay over? Do they call them grandparents. It's much more complicated than your making out

kissmysass · 10/08/2020 21:46

Honestly its only been three years and they probably don't want to get too invested in case it doesn't work out. This is one of the roadblocks you navigate having multiple children with multiple men (not in a derogatory way, I too am not with the father of my child), its not as simple as getting to press reset when you're with someone new and have their families fall into place with you both. These are common blended family issues and there's no one size fits all. I don't think it's fair for you to be angry at them.

kissmysass · 10/08/2020 21:48

As a pp said, your anger needs to be directed at their father and his family for being absent.

Original poster
Monkeyjess5594 · 10/08/2020 22:04

So my family buys for my dp daughter as does her mother is it wrong for me to say that my family shouldn't have to buy things for het

OP posts:
LovingLola · 10/08/2020 22:08

Let your family continue to do what they do.
What does your dp think about your daughters being left out? Does it bother him?

kissmysass · 10/08/2020 22:11

Of course they don't HAVE to, thats the point. Just because your family do doesn't mean his have to.