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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think DP has a gambling addiction

28 replies

Echo7465 · 10/08/2020 16:41

Just wanted a reality check of how to go about this, as I know it needs to be done.
I have recently found out my DP may have a problem with gambling. he has always gambled a bit, but its only recent I am realising it may actually be an addiction.
Long story short a month or so ago he admitted he had lost around £2000 online gambling after a bad day but then had won it back a few days later. He told me because he said it was a one off idiot mistake and he has learnt his lesson.

A few days ago I was checking his phone for something (its ok, we have access to each others phones and nothing untoward as to why I was on it) and his gambling app was open and it showed a few bets listed. out of curiosity I opened the history and it showed in the last month he has lost around £5000 betting. It is his money, but we are saving for a house together and I just keep envisioning him gambling away all our hard earned savings and it makes me feel very nervous.

So, I am going to have to broach this with him, but how best to go about it? My initial reaction was one of anger but I love him very much and after calming down realise that if he does have a problem then I need to be there to help him overcome it and be supportive.

In all other areas of our relationship he is very loving, romantic, always complimentary and really makes me feel special in every other way. I'm hoping he has just been a total twat, gambled and it got out of control.
If he does have a problem and doesnt get help or just denies it all and throws my support back at me etc, I am going to have to seriously think of walking away though aren;t I? Has anyone any experience of this and does it ever have a happy and easy ending? is a gambling addition as simple as just stopping and thats that?

So AIBU to think he can change or am I just being naive?

OP posts:
EmbarrassingAdmissions · 10/08/2020 16:56

There's no if he has a problem - he wasn't able to abstain. He's lost a lot of money.

I think it's the triumph of hope over experience to expect someone to change if they're not being formally treated for something as damaging as this. And, I implore you not to relegate yourself to the role of supporting actor in the life of someone who doesn't recognise that the problem is substantial enough to need an appropriate intervention.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2020 16:58

The very first thing you need to do is make sure all of your money is in an account he can't access. If you have joint accounts withdraw what's yours. Do this now.

RightOnTheEdge · 10/08/2020 17:03

Protect all your money and accounts.
Do not even think about buying a house with him or anything like that unless you agree 100% sure he has dealt with this problem.

My ex has a gambling addiction and it ruined our lives. I am still paying off all the debt he left me with and will be for a very long time.

RandomMess · 10/08/2020 17:04

Yep protect your money and end it.

SIL list her house, £250k of equity...

SarahBellam · 10/08/2020 17:10

If he does (and he does) you are potentially in for a difficult life if you stay with him. Make sure your own money is ring fenced and you have separate accounts. Make sure he can’t access your money. You may have to take control of both your finances to ensure he doesn’t gamble, assuming he agrees to that. Do not underestimate how deeply this can devastate your life. He’s already hiding £5k losses from you and you are just at the beginnings of your life together.

RandomTree · 10/08/2020 17:13

I can't believe how calm you sound OP. I would be absolutely devastated!

I guess Gamblers Anonymous is the first step. I believe there are sessions aimed at partners too.

RandomMess · 10/08/2020 17:14

Think how much more you would have had saved had he not gambled it away... his loss over the years could be £20k

AgeLikeWine · 10/08/2020 17:17

Don’t underestimate the seriousness of gambling addiction, OP.

A friend of mine divorced her husband over his gambling addiction. He lost thousands of pounds of their joint money. She told him he had to quit or she would leave him. He chose gambling over her.

Protect your own money and assets in accounts where he cannot access them. Do not buy a house with this man. If you plan to marry him, put plans on hold until he has properly dealt with his issues. He needs to close all his accounts and ask the gambling companies to exclude him. He then needs professional help.

Thingsdogetbetter · 10/08/2020 17:20

He lost £2k in a day! A DAY. A one off mistake would have been to go "oh fuck not doing that again". But instead he went straight back a few days and gambled again. He luckily came out even (he says) and instead og going "phew better not chance that again". So there he is luckily not down on money and what does he do? Keeps going til he's £5k down. FIVE THOUSAND! There is no way that's something that 'got out of control' that's full on addiction and unlikely to be a new thing - no one begins betting with thousands. That's a long term heavy gambler. Ask to see his bank statements for the last year or two. He's already lied about it being a 'one off idiot mistake' because you know he continued to the extent of 5k in a month.

You are being incredibly naive. There is no easy, instant fix. An addict doesn't just stop. Would you expect an alcoholic to just stop and that's the end of it? He hasn't even admitted he has a problem or that he wants help yet and you're already persuading yourself you 'need' to be supportive. Like you can fix him with your love. The only think you need to do is protect yourself and your money.

Do the maths - 5k a month x 12 months would be £60k a year! How long is a house with this guy going to last?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 10/08/2020 17:21

Well, no OP - unfortunately it's not as easy as 'just stopping' particularly these days when you can gamble online 24/7.

I'd take a couple of days to think about this to be honest - you don't need to rush to 'supporting him through it'. If this is a deal breaker for you, then that's OK - it would be for me as it's the family business in a way, and I hate it.

TDogsInHats · 10/08/2020 17:21

You've got to grab the bull by the horns and ask him outright.
Probable answer will be along the lines of "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be upset"

I've personal experience of a gambling addiction and it's not a pretty picture.
It's so difficult when you love and care for someone. Nothing you do can make him stop. He has to want to stop, but it's so hard with all the online stuff.
When it was a physical trip to the bookies, I'm sure it was easier to conquer an addiction.

You're in for a bumpy ride, I'm so sorry OP.

JaneJack23 · 10/08/2020 17:31

I unfortunately have first hand experience with this issue and my advice is to separate yourself from him ASAP - financially & romantically. He's not only a gambling addict but also a liar which are not qualities you want in a partner. Trust me - you will be better off on your own!

RockNRollNerd · 10/08/2020 17:33

Contact Gamcare www.gamcare.org.uk/ they will be able to advise you. There are various things your DH can do to help himself but like other addictions that has to come from him wanting to do it. You can’t do it for him, Gamcare will be able to give you advice and support

nevermorelenore · 10/08/2020 17:33

I'm sorry OP. This must be a hard time for you.

A close family member has struggled with a gambling addiction for years. It is shocking how much money he wasted in a short amount of time. His wife took control of the family finances to pay off the debt, giving him an allowance to live on, and he took out credit cards and overdrafts behind her back. Apparently he is better now, but I wouldn't have stayed with him through that. The threat of a relapse always hangs over their heads.

I think you need to start by separating your finances and making damn sure there's not more to it than the 5k for starters. Nobody goes from enjoying a flutter to 5k. He has probably been doing this for a while.

StormBaby · 10/08/2020 17:37

I would never, ever tolerate gambling. My mum was a gambling addict and she lost everything. It’s a horrid, lonely addiction that ruins your entire life. She started out small, online bingo, and it took over rapidly.

TheUpholder · 10/08/2020 17:40

Massive sympathies to you OP, I’ve been in your shoes and it’s an awful shock.

IME no, it isn’t likely he will just stop after being that deeply into it. My advice would be GA for him, and there’s an organisation called GamAnon for the families of compulsive gamblers, who are fantastic. He may well be resistant to attending GA initially - it was a condition of me staying with my now-DH that he went at least once and thankfully he did.

The first step is for you to protect your own finances as much as possible. Protect any of your share of the savings, keep any of your credit cards etc with you. Don’t be naive that he wouldn’t do that - at the peak of his problem when he’d really got himself into a hole DH racked up a lot of debt on my own credit card which I was oblivious to as I never used it. He’s the loveliest, most generous man and was horrified at what he’d done when he was out of that frame of mind. He was just desperate.

It’s a horrible addiction and it really can cause people to lose everything very quickly. Like a PP said, I’d absolutely be holding off on getting a mortgage together until you know this is under control.

Don’t fall into the trap of trying to control the gambling. You can’t. If he wants to gamble, he’ll find a way. All you can do is protect yourself and support him if he accepts the support (and you want to give it).

There’ll be lots of LTB on this thread, and that’s definitely an option. It won’t be an easy ride and is life changing. However, having had a bad problem for over 10 years and having lost who knows how many tens of thousands of pounds DH eventually after an ultimatum went to GA. After a few slips early on, is now 6 years without a bet. His debt is all paid. He has savings, was able to knuckle down and get a much better job and promotions, and he was able to get a mortgage once his credit score recovered. We are now married and in our forever home, and it all seems a lifetime ago. He still attends GA now and then, and supports others who are struggling as a reminder to stop him slipping back. I still look after his money, and will never give him access to mine.

It‘ll be a long road but there can be a positive outcome if he is willing to accept help and make changes for himself.

Good luck whatever you decide Flowers

RandomMess · 10/08/2020 17:43

Ex BIL managed to get further credit cards even though they were on a debt repayment plan, again which he gambled away...

Yep they lie lie lie lie...

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2020 17:48

Ex BIL managed to get further credit cards even though they were on a debt repayment plan, again which he gambled away...

My cousin's ex did this, too. Multiple credit cards in her name, payday loans, etc, etc. They've been divorced for over ten years and my cousin still hasn't been able to recover financially because the fallout was so severe.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 10/08/2020 18:09

Check your credit score and details too, he may well be getting money to gamble using your name and details.
Gambling takes over, no matter how much you love each other it is a stronger pull than you or a house.

EKGEMS · 10/08/2020 18:18

Imagine your much wanted home you've saved so hard for be repossessed by the bank and you and your family dispossessed! Never being able to trust him-he's not been honest so far with you about the amounts he's lost.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 10/08/2020 18:23

Gambling, lying and stealing are not good qualities. You will lose your house if you ever get it. He will ruin your life. Carry the relationship on if you want to but he will take everything from you

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 10/08/2020 18:40

I left my exh over his gambling problem (and abusive behaviour but the gambling was the cherry on top). Please, please, please make sure your finances are protected. My credit score is still suffering because of the debt he put me in.

ladybee28 · 10/08/2020 18:46

@Echo7465 I'm so sorry.

I've also been in your shoes, and it is so, so hard. Very easy to be black and white about it from the outside, and with the benefit of hindsight. Much harder to navigate from the inside.

You have every right to be angry. And at the same time, don't expect your anger to change his behaviour.

You also have every right to be supportive (and you can be supportive while also being angry – they're not mutually exclusive).

You can be supportive and stay in the relationship, and you can be supportive and leave.

As @TheUpholder has said, brilliantly – if you want to stay with him, you need to find a way to protect yourself (in a watertight way), and buckle in for a hell of a ride. You're likely to face dishonesty and lies, sneaking around, moments of major breakdown and tears.... it's not an easy thing to overcome.

You need to decide if you're up for that –and it doesn't make you a bad person to decide that you're not.

Because ultimately, you have no control over whether or not he takes this on as a problem. He may never decide to get help, and you can't force him to. And even if he does, you'll always have to manage your finances in a way that protects you against the possibility of him relapsing.

Please do get support for yourself right away, though – as others have said, GamAnon are great.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2020 18:47

Imagine your much wanted home you've saved so hard for be repossessed by the bank and you and your family dispossessed!

Exactly. Re: my cousin I mentioned earlier, she lost her home and it's highly doubtful she will ever be able too purchase one again. Her whole life was ruined because of her husband's gambling.

BlueJava · 10/08/2020 18:52

I'm sorry to be harsh OP, but a gambling addiction is not something someone can easily overcome, I am not sure they'd ever be free of it - which means you wouldn't either. I'd be taking my half and leaving, you will never have peace otherwise.