I think DP has a gambling addiction

[Echo7465]

Just wanted a reality check of how to go about this, as I know it needs to be done.
I have recently found out my DP may have a problem with gambling. he has always gambled a bit, but its only recent I am realising it may actually be an addiction.
Long story short a month or so ago he admitted he had lost around £2000 online gambling after a bad day but then had won it back a few days later. He told me because he said it was a one off idiot mistake and he has learnt his lesson.

A few days ago I was checking his phone for something (its ok, we have access to each others phones and nothing untoward as to why I was on it) and his gambling app was open and it showed a few bets listed. out of curiosity I opened the history and it showed in the last month he has lost around £5000 betting. It is his money, but we are saving for a house together and I just keep envisioning him gambling away all our hard earned savings and it makes me feel very nervous.

So, I am going to have to broach this with him, but how best to go about it? My initial reaction was one of anger but I love him very much and after calming down realise that if he does have a problem then I need to be there to help him overcome it and be supportive.

In all other areas of our relationship he is very loving, romantic, always complimentary and really makes me feel special in every other way. I'm hoping he has just been a total twat, gambled and it got out of control.
If he does have a problem and doesnt get help or just denies it all and throws my support back at me etc, I am going to have to seriously think of walking away though aren;t I? Has anyone any experience of this and does it ever have a happy and easy ending? is a gambling addition as simple as just stopping and thats that?

So AIBU to think he can change or am I just being naive?

My ex husband was a gambler. That’s the main reason he is an ex. Lie after lie over money for years. The straw that broke the camels back was the mortgage advisor saying we couldn’t move to a bigger house because he’d taken out 34 payday loans in 2 years - to fund his habit. It was awful and I wish I’d left sooner.

Do you have any joint accounts with him? If so you need to withdraw your share immediately and close the accounts ASAP.

Sign up to the MoneySavingExpert credit club to keep an eye on your own credit score just in case he ever takes out credit in your name.

Give up on the idea of buying a house with him, it would be madness to jointly own a home and to have a joint mortgage. If you can buy a house one day it should all be in your name only.

Protect yourself. And don't kid yourself that you can save him if he doesn't want to be saved.

This might be a controversial opinion but in some ways gambling can be more dangerous than alcohol or drugs, because it's much more easily hidden and there are no physical limits - a person will eventually pass out after too much alcohol or drugs but with gambling they can just keep going and going.

I am so sorry you’re going through this and at the beginning of such a long road. The best thing out of this is you know now and so the changes can start now before things get any worse. But just like any other addiction, there’s a long road ahead of lies / uncovering lies, likely relapses (relapse is part of recovery, so unfortunately part of things getting better is that there will be more times ahead where he lies to you and you will catch him out and more money will be lost).
My advice would be if you want to stay and your relationship is worth saving then you need to separate all your finances and put everything in your name (rent, utilities etc) and have him pay you for his share of all the costs. If you have anything on finance together or a joint credit card, pay off and close if you can before he impacts your credit score any further.
Ask him to register on Gamstop which is self-exclusion programme for compulsive gamblers, it should bar him from accessing his accounts on online gambling sites (but doesn’t stop him from creating new email addresses and log ins, so don’t depend on it, at the end of the day, these places want his money, so Gamstop will only be so helpful).
At the moment gamblers anonymous aren’t meeting due to Covid but there are daily meetings online via zoom - he might actually find that better to ease himself in to recovery, as he doesn’t need to attend in person, and if he’s feeling anxious about what to expect he can keep his camera off and just watch and listen.
I would be aiming to control all of your finances as soon as possible, including having all his bank cards, setting up payment plans on maxed credit cards and having his online banking log ins so you can track his spending, and give him a monthly or weekly allowance to live off of. It might sound extreme but he’s an addict, this is the only way. It’s helpful to look at this the same way as a drug problem. I hope he’s in a place where he’s ready to accept help and make some changes but sometimes it takes hitting the very bottom before people realise they need to sort themselves out. Don’t hide it from your friends and family, I know it’s hard because there’s such a stigma, but you will need their support more than ever, and they can support him too.