Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take grandfather’s ashes on holiday?

53 replies

ConkerGame · 10/08/2020 15:03

My DGrandfather passed away from COVID back in April. Due to the restrictions during lockdown we could only have a tiny, short cremation ceremony at the time. The plan was to wait until things relaxed, then to have the ashes taken back to where he’s from, bury them with my grandmother’s ashes and then have a remembrance church ceremony for all who wanted to come. The ceremony is now planned for the end of September.

In the meantime, DH and I have planned a mini staycation to go and stay with my cousin and her DH at the end of August. She lives in a holiday town 4 hours’ drive away and I haven’t seen her since Christmas so was really looking forward to the trip.

Yesterday I got a text from my DM (who is known for being quite blunt), saying “I’ve told cousin you are happy to drive DGF’s ashes up to her house when you visit. She lives near where he’s from so can drive them to the church when needed”. That was pretty much the entirety of the text, no niceties or asking if this was ok.

Luckily more tactful cousin rang me pretty much straight after to say she’d spoken to my mum and this plan had been suggested as the best way to get the ashes to where they need to be but she wanted to check I was ok with it first.

Tbh I’m not really ok with it but not sure if IABU? I was close to DGF and feel his ashes should be treated with respect. Our tiny car will struggle to fit everything in and we’re taking paddle boards and everything so it’s all going to be chucked in together in the back, which I don’t think is appropriate. But I would equally feel it was really creepy to sit there with them on my lap for the four our trip and wouldn’t ask DH to do so either! He’s unkeen also.

Is this selfish of me/us? The alternative will be that my parents drive them up closer to the time. It’s my dad’s dad so I think he should be doing the journey with them but my parents are very unsentimental and probably just want rid of them.

I want to help out if it’s actually needed but I feel like it will put a creepy downer on the whole trip as they’ll then be sat in the house we’re staying in too. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mitsouko67 · 10/08/2020 15:14

Help them out if you can I would say.

altiara · 10/08/2020 15:15

Just “forget” them.

GiddapGreyWaynesKeat · 10/08/2020 15:18

Just put them in the car! They’ll be in a small box and would probably fit in your glove box

Wankerchief · 10/08/2020 15:20

It's a small box, you can fit it in. It's not a downer, creepy and won't ruin a holiday. You acting like you've been asked a massive task.Its literally a small box in a car.

What an odd way to think of a relatives remains. I think you need to think about your reaction to this TBH

Ellisandra · 10/08/2020 15:21

Surely they can be driven up when the ceremony takes place? As that’s the whole point of planning the ceremony then, so people can attend?
So as you don’t want to take them, it’s not big deal.
That said - I don’t understand why you’re so squeamish about them. When I am ashes, they will be just ashes, not me - but I rather like the idea that my ashes should be shoved in with fun things like paddle boards, just part of family life.

AntsInPenzance · 10/08/2020 15:24

Not creepy but YNBU to not want to deal with that on a holiday so soon afterwards.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 10/08/2020 15:26

Ffs it's not like you are expected to transport dgf sat upright on the back seat...
Yabu and more disrespectful than your issues about packing him with your luggage..

cate16 · 10/08/2020 15:26

I loved my dad dearly- and I just put his ashes in the boot, tucked in with all our luggage when we did the family trip/ashes laying. I didn't think it was disrespectful or anything.

Heartlake · 10/08/2020 15:29

I used to be creeped out by ashes.

Then we ended up with two boxes of ashes of relatives that we hardly knew and didn't particularly want custody of. Each in a box about the size of a regular shoebox, but quite heavy actually.

Kept them in a wardrobe (for a couple of years) until other family members came to visit who were much more invested in doing something with the ashes than us (long story).

Family members put both boxes in a carrier back and scattered them on a walking trip one day.

All done.

It's not that creepy, it's just a box of ashes. I wouldn't die on this hill with my (difficult) DM. Just put them in a bag in the boot of your car or on the back seat if that makes you feel better.

Your cousin sounds lovely.

slipperywhensparticus · 10/08/2020 15:29

Considering the size of a human ashes take up very little space

HowFastIsTooFast · 10/08/2020 15:30

I think you're overthinking it OP. They're not asking you to cart his body in a coffin strapped on top of your paddleboards, just a small box that you can carefully pack in between your belongings, or pop in one of the footwells.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 10/08/2020 15:31

It wouldn’t fuss me at all. I’d just chuck the urn in the boot.

But I know that my DH would see things very differently. I think if you don’t feel comfortable you need to have a calm conversation with your mother, and take things from there.

Baconking · 10/08/2020 15:33

I took both my parents ashes in the boot of the car on the ferry.
It's really not a big deal and no way disrespectful they had to get there somehow!

Although to PP I don't think ashes would fit in the glove box, it would be at least half a shoe box size.

DelphiniumBlue · 10/08/2020 15:39

I'm with you, OP. I think it is a bit creepy, actually, but the point is not whether a bunch of randoms on here think that you are wrong, but that you feel how you do, and it is OK for you to say so.
I'm wondering why your Mum wants you take the ashes now when the service isn't for some time. Why can't your parents take the ashes when they go to the service?

Bargebill19 · 10/08/2020 15:40

It’s not creepy. Just pack them and hand them over. Job done. Alternatively post them.

UserFriendly14 · 10/08/2020 15:43

YANBU. I’m with you OP- it would made me feel really uncomfortable.

TSSDNCOP · 10/08/2020 15:44

Cracking up at the comment about the DGF being in n the roof with the paddle boards.

Nomorepies · 10/08/2020 15:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Original poster
ConkerGame · 10/08/2020 15:48

I’m quite surprised at some of the comments. Do people not see the ashes as their loved one? If not then why got to the bother of scattering them somewhere special or burying them with a proper burial stone? Why not just throw them out with the rubbish or tip them into the garden?

Given I do see them as my grandad, I want to make sure he’s treated properly. This feels like I’m being handed some mail or something insignificant to pass over Sad

But it has made me feel a bit better about it knowing they are smaller than I thought. We won’t have a back seat - the seats will be down to make way for all our stuff so it’ll just be our seats and then a big open boot/back part.

OP posts:
parietal · 10/08/2020 15:53

I wouldn't treat them as a 'person' - the ashes don't need a car seat to themselves.

Rather, I'd treat them in the same way I'd treat a precious, fragile vase - I'd pack it carefully, put it somewhere it won't be squashed etc. It is a responsibility to look after something like that, but if you are travelling the right way, it makes much more sense for you to do it than to post it or make someone else do an extra journey.

Bargebill19 · 10/08/2020 15:56

Probably because I spent 10 years with my dads ashes moving from one cupboard to another whilst mum decided what to do with them.
When you open a door to look for t bags and get confronted my the box of ashes (which looked too much like a Nescafé jar) you start to think a little less emotionally.
It got to the stage where we used to ask where dad had gone on holiday this time, when mum decided to move him from whatever place he’d been residing.

The person you knew has gone, but lives on in your memories, and will always be there for you, but not in person. What you have is the wrappings, not the person.

Bargebill19 · 10/08/2020 15:57

And yes I loved my dad - so much I had a breakdown when I found him dead.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 10/08/2020 16:04

I would do it but I also think your mum should have asked you before volunteering you. It is your holiday.

greensnail · 10/08/2020 16:05

I've recently done a long journey with two sets of ashes squeezed into a very full car (had just cleared the house so had lots to bring back). I squeezed them in somewhere I knew they wouldn't get knocked around and tucked a special teddy and some photos next to them, so I felt they weren't just squeezed in with the luggage.

shinynewapple2020 · 10/08/2020 16:09

I don't think I would want to do this either OP . It's hard to explain why but I wouldn't feel comfortable transporting a box of ashes .

Also I think there may be procedures that local council and church authorities have in place when it comes to interring ashes so I'd just check this out before you do anything as actually having them interred on church property or a municipal cemetery is different to if you just wanted to scatter them somewhere .

Swipe left for the next trending thread