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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to take grandfather’s ashes on holiday?

53 replies

ConkerGame · 10/08/2020 15:03

My DGrandfather passed away from COVID back in April. Due to the restrictions during lockdown we could only have a tiny, short cremation ceremony at the time. The plan was to wait until things relaxed, then to have the ashes taken back to where he’s from, bury them with my grandmother’s ashes and then have a remembrance church ceremony for all who wanted to come. The ceremony is now planned for the end of September.

In the meantime, DH and I have planned a mini staycation to go and stay with my cousin and her DH at the end of August. She lives in a holiday town 4 hours’ drive away and I haven’t seen her since Christmas so was really looking forward to the trip.

Yesterday I got a text from my DM (who is known for being quite blunt), saying “I’ve told cousin you are happy to drive DGF’s ashes up to her house when you visit. She lives near where he’s from so can drive them to the church when needed”. That was pretty much the entirety of the text, no niceties or asking if this was ok.

Luckily more tactful cousin rang me pretty much straight after to say she’d spoken to my mum and this plan had been suggested as the best way to get the ashes to where they need to be but she wanted to check I was ok with it first.

Tbh I’m not really ok with it but not sure if IABU? I was close to DGF and feel his ashes should be treated with respect. Our tiny car will struggle to fit everything in and we’re taking paddle boards and everything so it’s all going to be chucked in together in the back, which I don’t think is appropriate. But I would equally feel it was really creepy to sit there with them on my lap for the four our trip and wouldn’t ask DH to do so either! He’s unkeen also.

Is this selfish of me/us? The alternative will be that my parents drive them up closer to the time. It’s my dad’s dad so I think he should be doing the journey with them but my parents are very unsentimental and probably just want rid of them.

I want to help out if it’s actually needed but I feel like it will put a creepy downer on the whole trip as they’ll then be sat in the house we’re staying in too. AIBU?

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 10/08/2020 16:10

Yeah sorry OP I just don't see the issue or why it would be creepy? Seems like a total waste of a journey for them to be driven up on a different journey when you're going anyway?

coconutwhip · 10/08/2020 17:01

OP you'd realistically have to hold onto them/pop them in the footwell to avoid any accidents whilst driving!
You can't just pop them on a back seat.
My uncles ashes just came in a gift bag type affair ready to be scattered.

Porcupineinwaiting · 10/08/2020 17:05

It would be kind to oblige your parents by taking them down. Whether you want to be kind to them is up to you, I'm sure your grandad wont care either way.

CallmeAngelina · 10/08/2020 17:10

The container for ashes is really quite large - and heavy. No way would it fit into the glove box, for a start. Both boxes we had recently for each of my parents were each around the height of a wine bottle gift bag and a fair bit wider, made of very thick lard cardboard with a design on.

GlamGiraffe · 10/08/2020 17:13

Isnt this more that you atent ready to part with the ashes yet? Decide that you will look after them until the ceremony then take them there in their little box in whatever way you see fit knowing you will be parting from them at that point.

Your mother may well have thought she was making your life easier, you are feeling with death differently. You might find it easier to deal with the ashes/ceremony as a self contained trip. As long as it happens it doesnt matter how. Have your holiday now and take the ashes then

DobbyTheHouseElk · 10/08/2020 17:16

I would treat the box with respect. It’s a very heavy box. It’s not ash. It’s the remains of a human.

I would take the box in the boot, securely wedged in and safe. I’d chat to them too.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 10/08/2020 17:20

They most definitely won’t fit in the glove box, but why do you see this as treating without respect?

Just look at this as a long drive with grandfather.

MsWoodentop · 10/08/2020 17:26

Maybe you could see it as being entrusted to take your granddad on part of his final journey to be reunited with his wife, your grandma? That's quite a nice thought really

PotteringAlong · 10/08/2020 17:39

I loved my dad very much. I still bunged his ashes in the boot of the car. And then in a rucksack to go and scatter them.

They’re about a wine bottle cardboard tube sized. They are also deceptively heavy.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/08/2020 17:42

Lol at all this! I'm with you OP - although I'd happily transport them and don't think it's creepy etc at all - you can't have it both ways!

Either the ashes ARE just some meaningless thing you can happily chuck in the boot with the surfboards, probably even wedging your espadrilles next to them just to compltely underline how cool and nonchalant you are about it all...in which case just dump them on the nearest flowerbed and be done with it! Or, if you DO see some meaning in ashes themselves and how important it is for people to scatter THE ashes in a particular place, etc... then you also have to own that it is fine and logical for OP to be unhappy about transporting them or having them in the house for a holiday.

OP, I wouldn't be bothtered about the ashes, but I bloody WOULD be bothered by a 'blunt' DM trying to order me around or have the gall to tell cousin that I was fine with it when I hadn't even been consulted. You don't get very far with me with that attitude I'm afraid .

So if this were me, sadly my blunt DM would find that the ashes had been forgotten on the day, and they'd have to take them up after all. Oh so sorry. It must have slipped my mind. Tch, if only you'd discussed it with me a bit more in advance... maybe even had the manners to ask... I'm sure it would have been more to the forefront of my mind :)

(Wouldn't be bothered discussing with DM, by the way. No time for allowing people like that to do their usual steamrollering and hectoring. No, with me... they just find that they don't get their wish. Not unless they have some respect/care for me and my point of view).

Nottobesoldseparately · 10/08/2020 17:43

We've just scattered my FIL ashes.

The box is heavy, not small enough to fit in the glove box, but not huge.

They were in a heavy duty clear plastic bag, carefully rolled down and stapled closed. Theis was then in a box, with a full lid, which took 2 of us to get off due to the vacuum.

The box was then in a heavy duty plain gift type bag.

They are not immediately obvious as to be someone's ashes and would be perfectly safe in with all your holiday stuff.

mrsBtheparker · 10/08/2020 17:43

They’ll be in a small box and would probably fit in your glove box

No they won't, I was amazed at how large and heavy my late husband's are.

ladypete · 10/08/2020 17:43

I do agree with PP about just putting them in the car. I don’t think it’s a big deal but admittedly haven’t been in this situation.

If you want it to be sentimental, can you not think of it that way?

You are helping to get his ashes to his hometown so that he can finally be laid to rest with his wife. Can’t you think of that as a nice thing (which it is.) You don’t need to see it as dumping a box in a car. Changing your mindset about the journey might help you.

ladypete · 10/08/2020 17:45

Sorry! I now see @MsWoodentop has basically already said this! ^^

AbbieFB · 10/08/2020 17:52

Whatever vessel they are contained in, it will fit in the front footwell of your car. I don’t think it’s creepy at all, but then I keep my dogs ashes in my bedside cabinet!

DeRigueurMortis · 10/08/2020 17:54

I like the idea of the pp above saying take them but treat them as you would something precious.

I honestly don't think it's an issue to have them in the back of the car as long as they are packed carefully.

Ultimately they have to be transported at some point.

As for the creepy aspect I can't help you there. I'm not a spiritual person and don't believe in an afterlife other than the memories we hold of our loved ones which I personally find more important than any physical remains.

I adored my late GM but don't even know where her ashes are, nor do I care because it's not "her" in my view.

I treasure far more the wisdom she passed on, her sayings (that as I get older I find myself using) and the lovely memories of the time we spent together.

Upshot however is you feel how you feel and other family should respect that imho.

Villanemme · 10/08/2020 18:02

My relative's ashes are in my living room at the moment. They were delivered by a cremation service in a sturdy lidded 'gift' box about the size of a child's shoebox. This was in a somber-coloured 'gift' bag. Ask your parents what container they are in then you can work out where to wedge them. Don't carry them on your lap! A sudden jerk and the whole car could be covered in volcano-like dust!

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 10/08/2020 18:04

I agree that using the footwell is a good idea. I have my Mum's as her funeral was just before lockdown so we haven't organised the scattering yet. They are in a thick cardboard presentation box measuring 8" X 5" X 5" within a bag (like a gift bag) with the name of the council on it. She was only little but the size of the container will differ depending on the size of the body.

Motoko · 10/08/2020 18:21

You are helping to get his ashes to his hometown so that he can finally be laid to rest with his wife.

But that's not happening until September. Why can't they be taken up with the people going to the memorial service in September? Why do they need to go now, to sit in cousin's house until the service?

OP, are you going to the service? Can't you take them up then?

ladypete · 10/08/2020 18:32

@Motoko I don’t know, because I’m not OPs DM or a member of their family.

I’m purely trying to give the OP a different perspective so that should she chose to take them, she can feel a bit better about it.

Reedwarbler · 10/08/2020 19:12

Erm...We tipped both my parents in the garden. They had a half acre wild flower meadow which was beautiful in the summer and had loads of insects, especially butterflies. We like to think that their ashes nourished the soil that had grown the flowers that fed the butterflies etc. Circle of life and all that. Perhaps they eventually flew away. Who knows? My brother was scattered at a neolithic burial ground and a family friend we dumped covertly in the grand canal in Venice. Anything is possible!
I'm sure you could fit them in the car somewhere op. What is the alternative?

SpeedofaSloth · 10/08/2020 19:17

I wouldn't be happy with this either, OP. YANBU.

Bargebill19 · 10/08/2020 20:35

Unless you post them, they are going to have to get there by car at some point surely? If not you and now, then who and when?

FizzyGreenWater · 10/08/2020 20:45

Unless you post them, they are going to have to get there by car at some point surely? If not you and now, then who and when?

Her cheeky-ass DM who shouldn't have been so high handed about it :)

They're presumably going in Sept to do the scattering. They can take the ashes then. Their problem.

Bargebill19 · 10/08/2020 21:05

I agree about DM. But the ashes still have to get there. DM doesn’t sound over sentimental about the ashes, if OP wants them transported with more respect than being put in the boot, then it’s probably best that she takes them herself?

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