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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a week in a hotel?

44 replies

Sushidon · 10/08/2020 12:16

The last two years have been really rough for me and DP. They would have been without the current situation which of course affects everyone. We live together and both wfh and have done for a long time. Some awful things have happened to me/him/us in these last 2 years.

Last night we had a few drinks and got a takeaway. Dp ended up telling I look awful, which is true I've put on lots of weight and don't take any care of my appearance. I told him to go fuck himself because it was his financial/work situation that meant I to had to work non stop for 18 months sat down at a laptop and take on all the stress of the situation and putting it right while he, from my pov, just let go and didn't try hard enough.

He then said he wants me and no one else, but as I was 5 years ago, that he would like to live separately and then date, as we did when we first met.

He has apologized this morning and said he didn't mean it but that I have been badly affected and need to take more care of myself which I do agree with. I pointed out that actually I have been doing more for myself recently but it's a long way back from how low I've sunk and I can't be 5 years younger anyway?

I'm not angry. But would I be unreasonable to go and stay in the travel lodge for a week to get some space from him?

I am trying to work and he keeps coming up to me with a sorry expression and etc but imo he meant what he said...

I think a week to myself and him to himself would help us work out a better way forward because our relationship as it is has kind of stalled.

At the moment he is financially dependent on my income to top his up, he has been for a while but won't be going forward...so i would transfer him money for a food shop and leave money from my purse on the table. I would also obvs tell him I'm going and why.

Is it unfair that I have the freedom to go "have a holiday" while he sits at home? I actually think after a week we could go on a date and be pleased to see each other!

yabu You're running away and being selfish
yanbu It's a good idea

OP posts:
Original poster
Sushidon · 10/08/2020 12:17

Sorry for all the errors, not feeling great.

OP posts:
chargeorge · 10/08/2020 12:19

sometimes its good to have a break from someone, as long as he knows you're not leaving then why not - the time apart could do you both some good

SeaToSki · 10/08/2020 12:23

Ummmm. Why have you been paying off his financial mess if he is not working just as hard if not harder to help himself?

Sounds like you need a week in a hotel to think about the whole relationship, not just rekindle anything.

And dont transfer him money for food (well maybe 20 quid), why cant he make do with what is in the house?

RedPandaFluff · 10/08/2020 12:23

@Sushidon are you sure your motivation isn't to "punish" him, in a way? Or to scare him into thinking he's lost you? Or to make him realise that life without you wouldn't be good?

I'm just asking because it could massively backfire. He could get used to your not being around. He might start thinking it's time to move on etc.

I'm not saying a week apart is a bad idea, just sounding a wee note of caution - that Beautiful South song jumped into my head when I was reading your post . . . ! I hope things get better between you Thanks

DoIneed1 · 10/08/2020 12:27

I think that there's someone else, Op.

Morgan12 · 10/08/2020 12:29

What makes you think there is someone else?

This sounds a great idea to me. You clearly need some space.

DerbyshireGirly · 10/08/2020 12:30

@DoIneed1

I think that there's someone else, Op.
There's always one 🙄
katy1213 · 10/08/2020 12:32

I don't think I'd be leaving money on the table for him - he's not a child, let him fend for himself!
But i'd be thinking very seriously about taking my purse and pushing off and leaving him to it. For good. The money you save on not feeding him could go towards a new hairdo or clothes. Sounds like he needs you more than you need him!

SteelyPanther · 10/08/2020 12:33

Does he look the same as 5 years ago ?
Personally I’d take him up on the offer of living separately.
Ask him to move out 😉

DoIneed1 · 10/08/2020 12:34

My thoughts are (and I hope that I am wrong) that he is looking for a way out of the relationship whilst keeping the financial support. Living separately is him starting to relinquish responsibility for the way things are going to turn out.

Anyway, I wish you all the best, Op

Original poster
Sushidon · 10/08/2020 12:35

@RedPandaFluff thank you, I know what you mean, tbh the main reason I've not gone is I don't want to come across like I'm trying to punish him for an argument. You know like, "see what happens if you speak your mind". It might be time to move, I don't want that but if we're going to be together it should be for the right reasons. I definitely don't want to be a dick financially, doing something that he can't. I'd probably text him as soon as I got in there XD

OP posts:
Original poster
Sushidon · 10/08/2020 12:37

@chargeorge thanks, I think "resetting" a bit can't be a bad thing really.

OP posts:
SteelyPanther · 10/08/2020 12:38

Do you know what, I’ve put on weight and Ive changed my hair to the way I want it. It might not suit me as much as before but it’s my choice, and I’m not trying to lose weight. I’m happy as I am and if hubby doesn’t like it he can jog on.

areyoubeingserviced · 10/08/2020 12:41

He says he wants to live separately and date. No problem
This will mean that he won’t be receiving any ‘pocket money’ from you and he will have to fend for himself.
Also, if you start ‘dating’ you will expect to go halves. You will not be paying his share.
You have spoilt him Op. I think that you need to take time to look after yourself. I think you should live separately. You may find that you don’t actually want to be in the relationship anymore. You may not want a liability

SteelyPanther · 10/08/2020 12:45

Maybe this is his way of wanting to split up and alcohol loosened his tongue.
Maybe another chat is needed 💐

Original poster
Sushidon · 10/08/2020 12:46

@SeaToSki I don't want to be mean over money. He did make some effort with the financial situation but not enough, he kind of gave up, I jumped on the finances but gave up on myself in the process. I grew up in an unhappy home and my dad controlled my mother (and later me, now nc) through money, I am no angel but pretty generous with money because I would never want to be that person.

There's not much food in at the moment, just with the hot weather we've not been eating the usual stuff, hence takeaway. Probably a can of beans somewhere tho lol.

OP posts:
PotholePalace · 10/08/2020 12:47

Wouldn't most people love to be 5 years younger and healthier? I know that's not what he said but it would have made more sense. It's interesting that he didn't say he regretted any changes to him over the last few years. Have a break, take care of yourself for a few days and then see how you feel. It's your life.

tara66 · 10/08/2020 12:48

Good luck with finding a hotel booking at present time. We've ben trying and everything is either fully booked or the pool is closed etc. I think your husband is rude and spiteful.

CrotchetyQuaver · 10/08/2020 12:48

i think i'd be taking a weeks break somewhere, having a good old ponder over this relationship and what i'm getting out of it, how the roles balance out, do both of you pull your weight etc etc and probably getting back and telling him to fuck off to the far side of fuck. it's the stress of keeping it all together that has done for you OP, what happened to him? i can't believe he's the same person he was 5 years ago. what was he up to whilst you were buckling under the strain of all that extra work you had to do to keep the show on the road. what an arse, he needs to take a long hard look at himself

TheAquaticDuchess · 10/08/2020 12:50

Why aren’t you angry? You should be! You’ve killed yourself working while he has sat back and benefitted from the fruits of your labours and now he has the cruelty and cheek to complain that you don’t look the way you did five years ago?!

I would definitely take that week in the hotel and I would use it to plan how to disentangle your lives so you can break up with him.

PotholePalace · 10/08/2020 12:51

Maybe somewhere a bit more relaxing than a travel lodge.

chocolatorange · 10/08/2020 12:51

Take a holiday on your own OP if you can find the money. Check out hotels and Airbnbs that are accessible to you - you may be able to find something other than a travelodge at a good price at the moment if you are in a non touristy area. Everyone has been cooped up with lockdown and you might enjoy the change of scene and your own space.
Take care xxx

Original poster
Sushidon · 10/08/2020 12:54

@SteelyPanther I am unhealthily overweight, and very unfit. It's not a case of a bit extra with me. I also had an injury which made it hard to walk (which is now healed up a lot) so combined with the need for such long work hours the change in my health and appearance is dramatic.

If he wants out then that would make me sad but I don't want to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with me. if he's happier without me this next week then it would be better to make a decision knowing that iyswim?

OP posts:
ShellsAndSunrises · 10/08/2020 12:55

He then said he wants me and no one else, but as I was 5 years ago, that he would like to live separately and then date, as we did when we first met.

Wow, what a blow. Has he ever mentioned anything like that before? It seems a big, big leap to get to where you were to that, which would suggest that this is something he's been pondering for a while.

I'd take the time away. You deserve to be able to think, and have the space to decide if you want to continue with the relationship too. It sounds like he's had an easier ride recently.

Original poster
Sushidon · 10/08/2020 13:01

@CrotchetyQuaver you've put it exactly right, I did buckle under the strain.

@areyoubeingserviced I'm a bit of a pushover, truth be told.

OP posts: