to have a week in a hotel?

[Sushidon]

The last two years have been really rough for me and DP. They would have been without the current situation which of course affects everyone. We live together and both wfh and have done for a long time. Some awful things have happened to me/him/us in these last 2 years.

Last night we had a few drinks and got a takeaway. Dp ended up telling I look awful, which is true I've put on lots of weight and don't take any care of my appearance. I told him to go fuck himself because it was his financial/work situation that meant I to had to work non stop for 18 months sat down at a laptop and take on all the stress of the situation and putting it right while he, from my pov, just let go and didn't try hard enough.

He then said he wants me and no one else, but as I was 5 years ago, that he would like to live separately and then date, as we did when we first met.

He has apologized this morning and said he didn't mean it but that I have been badly affected and need to take more care of myself which I do agree with. I pointed out that actually I have been doing more for myself recently but it's a long way back from how low I've sunk and I can't be 5 years younger anyway?

I'm not angry. But would I be unreasonable to go and stay in the travel lodge for a week to get some space from him?

I am trying to work and he keeps coming up to me with a sorry expression and etc but imo he meant what he said...

I think a week to myself and him to himself would help us work out a better way forward because our relationship as it is has kind of stalled.

At the moment he is financially dependent on my income to top his up, he has been for a while but won't be going forward...so i would transfer him money for a food shop and leave money from my purse on the table. I would also obvs tell him I'm going and why.

Is it unfair that I have the freedom to go "have a holiday" while he sits at home? I actually think after a week we could go on a date and be pleased to see each other!

yabu You're running away and being selfish
yanbu It's a good idea

@ShellsAndSunrises He has mentioned my health before. The thing is today he is taking the "I said I'm sorry" route and I'm sure he's sorry he said it the way he did but he still meant it. I do need to get healthier but I'm annoyed that he seems to think..oh, that huge crisis in our lives is over now (was more than just money, other things went on that weren't his or my fault) so you can go back to how you used to be..I suppose I feel like he is minimising how hard that time was for me rather than being supportive.

@DoIneed1 thanks for the good wishes. I think some big things have to change on both sides really if we are going to carry on. We've been together 8 years and it feels like a shame to quit now but we have to both be happy.

@areyoubeingserviced

He says he wants to live separately and date. No problem This will mean that he won’t be receiving any ‘pocket money’ from you and he will have to fend for himself. Also, if you start ‘dating’ you will expect to go halves. You will not be paying his share. You have spoilt him Op. I think that you need to take time to look after yourself. I think you should live separately. You may find that you don’t actually want to be in the relationship anymore. You may not want a liability

Absolutely this! How does he think he is going to afford to live separately? Did he think you were going to continue to sub his lifestyle? I think he's realised he was able to kill the golden goose which is why he's come over all sorry. Take time to have a good think about what you want and what you're getting out of this relationship.

And if you do go away for a bit don't leave him money on the table. He's not a
teenager. He can look after himself, if he's so confident that he only wants to date you he can support himself!

If you are subsidising him then he should be the one to move out to give you a chance to decide what to do.
I suggest you use the extra money to join a gym, then go on a strict diet, get lots of outdoor exercise, pamper yourself and in a year’s time he will be regretting loosing you.
You deserve so much better.

@Esspee thank you. I certainly do need to get back to taking care of myself.

I think.taking some time out for yourself is a good idea, maybe book a hotel with a pool of next some nice walks if you're able to do things like that or near some nice places to visit. Then you'll have stuff to do as well as time to think.

Take some time out, work out what he’s contributing to your wellbeing/mental health/financial future. Doesn’t sound like a lot. Put yourself first.

And don’t leave him
Money, you’re not his mum. Do you own a property together? Might be worth getting some advice to protect yourself.

Update: in the hotel now. I told him I was going but not leaving. Left him some money.

That sounds really rough.

If you do make any changes, can I suggest that you do it for yourself, not for him.

He might want to watch out. Once you get your mojo back, you might find that you feel like cutting free some of that dead wood.

@Pumpkinnose don't own together. Been thinking about it.

@Nosuchluck absolutely, I think I have put "me" last for so long. Exercise is the way forward.

Back to the property - does he or you own it?

@Pumpkinnose rented in his name.

@Pumpkinnose I don't really know what a normal relationship is, or what ppl should expect/ put up with from each other.

You sound like like you’re a bit lost - some space sounds like a good idea. What’s right or normal for some would be weird for others. But if a friend asked me I’d say that you should expect to be treated the way you would treat someone else. So equality, respect, fun and not feeling like you are being taken advantage of. Unless you feel like he’s giving you that, stop subsidising him.

In that case, check out the Freedom Programme. It shows you what healthy relationships look like. It can be done online for about £10 I think.

How are you, @Sushidon?

I'm Ok @RedPandaFluff, just feeling calmer and thinking about things. Going to meet him for lunch in an hour which will be nice, no room service at the travel lodge XD A huge amount has happened in the last two years and I pretty much lost myself on the way. So the road back starts now I guess.

Thank you for taking the time to think of me. It was so useful to canvass opinions on going. It's so hard to tell if you're doing the right thing when you feel upset.