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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so worried when little one is sleeping? Or is this a bit of a problem?

38 replies

AmItheonlyonewingingit · 10/08/2020 05:51

My daughter will be 2 early next month. She was a long awaited baby after many losses.

When she was born, and a small infant, I worried about SIDS and always checked her when sleeping, I think in the early days this just felt like normal new baby worries. All the other first time mum stuff sort of settled as time went on, but I am still worrying all the time about her dying in her sleep.

What I mean is, that whenever she's sleeping, naps but more so with bedtime. I worry that she won't be alive when I go to wake her. It's not a conscious thought as I put her down, more one that creeps into my head and then if I wake before her (usually the case) my first thought is, is she alive? I will listen to the monitor for breathing or rolling over and if I haven't heard anything to reassure me, I go and check. I wake everyday with a sense of fear.

She's always fine, she's a brilliant sleeper, sleeps for up to 12hrs a night, but the worry over her dying in her sleep has never gone away and it crosses my mind and worries me at least every morning. Is this normal??

Do I need to speak to someone about it? My husband says it never crosses his mind, he knows she's peaceful and cosy and enjoys her sleep and because he knows we put her to bed safely, there's no need to worry. I know he's right, but it's still in my head.

Any advice?

OP posts:
RowboatsinDisguise · 10/08/2020 05:55

To be honest I’m not an especially anxious person but this is the one thing that still gets to me. If I wake up before DS (23mo) and haven’t heard anything from him, I always think ‘oh god I hope he hasn’t died’. It’s not enough of a worry that my behaviour changes and it very rarely stops me falling back asleep or anything like that so I figure it’s a normal, protective instinct.

dollypops15 · 10/08/2020 05:57

I have 3 children my oldest being 15 and I still go in and check on them all throughout the night. My 2 year old i check on 4 or 5 times before I go to bed.

What your thinking is your worst fear in the world. Maybe speak to your doctor if your feeling concerned xx

EveningNibble · 10/08/2020 05:59

I used to be like this. Think it started to wear off by the time DD was 2.5 years old as I had my other DD then.

THATbasicrebelBITCH · 10/08/2020 06:00

I check on all of mine too

I have used a movement monitor with the younger ones which i find helps

Wankpuffin · 10/08/2020 06:06

I think this is normal.

I was the same.

My eldest is now nearly 18. I sometime still check on him Grin

AllyBamma · 10/08/2020 06:07

Mine is 20 months and also a brilliant sleeper and I still am conscious of mentally noting on the video monitor when he’s rolled over or if he’s been in the same position of ages. And I must admit the thought that I might go into his room in the morning and find him dead still occurs to me. I’m able to control the thoughts and they don’t affect my every day life but they’re still there

custardbear · 10/08/2020 06:13

I was also the same, many losses too. I still check mine now also 12 & 8 years old now

Original poster
AmItheonlyonewingingit · 10/08/2020 06:19

Thanks everyone, it makes me feel better that it's not just me! Maybe it's just that no one talks about it and it's these silent but really scary thoughts that creep in, so I wondered if it was a bit neurotic.

OP posts:
InvincibleInvisibility · 10/08/2020 06:25

Surprised but reassured for you by these responses. Ive never had that worry ever, although its probably linked to DS1 never sleeping through until he was 7 (and DS2 when he was 4) and the fact that both of mine are a) very noisy sleepers (sleep talking and walking) and b) both still wake at night often, with nightmares etc.

I do have other worries about them dying though - if one scoots too close to the edge of the road I of course tell them to get over and am then plagued by images of them falling off the scooter and their head being squashed by a car Confused

I think it's totally normal. My mum says that once you're a mum you never really stop worrying.

FenellaMaxwell · 10/08/2020 06:31

I am probably not the best person to say as my DS actually did stop breathing one night so for me his health especially overnight is a huge trigger for my anxiety, but here is what I would suggest:

  • if you haven’t already, go and do a paediatric first aid course. Knowledge is power and knowing you would know what to do if anything actually did happen is a big comfort.
  • sometimes we worry more about the fact we are worrying than the thing we are actually worrying about. As you can see from this thread, worrying about your children overnight is almost universal amongst mums and it’s ok to do that. Where it might be worth speaking to your GP though is if you start feeling like something will happen to them if you don’t check, if you see what I mean.
  • lastly, and this one is really important, this is YOUR anxiety, so whilst it a valid one and very normal, you mustn’t put this on your DD.
Shesapunkpunk · 10/08/2020 06:35

I think occasional fleeting thoughts like this are completely normal. I still occasionally have those thoughts and my kids are grown. (I don't really give them much of a second thought when they are away at uni, but when they are home I occasionally look in on them!) But I think you have recognised that it is becoming a bit of a pervasive thought for you, so it may be worth speaking to someone.

katmarie · 10/08/2020 06:36

I have a 2 year old and a 9 month old, and I completely understand. I have video monitors in both their rooms so I don't have to go in to check on them. Ds wakes before us so thats fine, but dd sleeps a lot longer so I check her a lot, and often think, I hope she's still breathing. It just flits into my head and back out again. I'd say as long as it doesn't impact your day to day life its fine but have a read about intrusive thoughts and how to manage them.

Metallicalover · 10/08/2020 06:42

I thought it was normal, my DD has just turned one, I check her breathing on the way to bed and then if I wake through the night I check the monitor to see if she has moved and to see her chest rise and fall and same on a morning. If I wake through the night I listen for my husbands breathing as well! 😂

user1493413286 · 10/08/2020 06:54

It’s not something that keeps me awake but I can’t get up in the night (for the loo or whatever) without checking on my DD3. It’s pretty rare she wakes after me but I always check on her if she’s asleep when I wake up and once she’s in bed in the evening I normally check on her every half hour or so. My DH doesn’t worry in the same way; as far as he’s concerned she’s fine.

Oly4 · 10/08/2020 06:59

I think this is fairly normal. It’s your worst fear. I still check mine and if they are out of my sight upstairs I think about potentially awful things like a wardrobe falling on them or them opening a window and getting out.
I’m not at all anxious about anything else on my life but I worry about some thing happening to my kids. I think it’s normal

labyrinthloafer · 10/08/2020 07:00

I also had this. One of mine is an exceptionally quiet sleeper so I couldn't tell without touching them, which of course sometimes disturbed them! It has worn off as they've grown up but I still do peep sometimes even on the ones who are taller than me!

I think if it is fleeting and not throughout your day it's quite common.

RosaBaby2 · 10/08/2020 07:15

Yes I think it's pretty normal I still think this with my 26m little boy and I am usually the most laid back parent ever Flowers

Yeahnahmum · 10/08/2020 07:19

Weve all been there. But usually it passes after they stop being babies. It is normal to be concerned, but you sound way too anxious. Maybe time to talk to a professional to see where this behavior comes from and how to stop it. Doesnt seem like a nice way to live :(

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 10/08/2020 07:19

I still check on my 6 year old !

Original poster
AmItheonlyonewingingit · 10/08/2020 07:21

@FenellaMaxwell

I am probably not the best person to say as my DS actually did stop breathing one night so for me his health especially overnight is a huge trigger for my anxiety, but here is what I would suggest:
  • if you haven’t already, go and do a paediatric first aid course. Knowledge is power and knowing you would know what to do if anything actually did happen is a big comfort.
  • sometimes we worry more about the fact we are worrying than the thing we are actually worrying about. As you can see from this thread, worrying about your children overnight is almost universal amongst mums and it’s ok to do that. Where it might be worth speaking to your GP though is if you start feeling like something will happen to them if you don’t check, if you see what I mean.
  • lastly, and this one is really important, this is YOUR anxiety, so whilst it a valid one and very normal, you mustn’t put this on your DD.
The first aid course is a really good idea, I did do an infant one when I was expecting, but think doing another would maybe make me feel a bit more in control. Thank you. Thankfully my daughter is blissfully unaware and I'm mindful not to give her any of my anxieties.

I do think for me it goes a little beyond, checking on her, I get a cold fear every morning that she's dead and until I've seen her breathe, the thought will not shift. It doesn't help that she is a silent sleeper.

It doesn't impact the rest of my day, just those first few minutes of each morning. I definitely feel better knowing that lots of us feel the same, but will keep a check on it and perhaps speak to someone if I feel it isn't improving.

OP posts:
AnnaSW1 · 10/08/2020 07:34

I think it might help you to buy a movement monitor.

Scubalubs87 · 10/08/2020 07:41

I get this occasionally. My almost 2 year has historically been an awful sleeper who is now sleeping through, so on the mornings where I wake before him, I do get a fleeting worry that perhaps he’s stopped breathing. I think occasional intrusive thoughts like these are fairly normal. It’s when it spirals into more extreme anxiety that’s it’s a worry.

Startofsomethingnew20 · 10/08/2020 07:41

You’re not alone at all Op with these thoughts. I agree with getting a movement monitor. Gives an additional layer of peace of mind.

wildthingsinthenight · 10/08/2020 07:44

I would speak to your dr. It seems it is more intrusive than you would like. Totally understand. I was the same but had PND so it was part of that Flowers

borisjohnsonsstylist · 10/08/2020 07:46

Still check the breathing of my 8 year old every night, as well as the babies. I imagine myself doing this until the day they leave home and by this point hope that there is technology in place meaning I can check them remotely.