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Original poster

Ex changing contact times

40 replies

afternoonnapping · 09/08/2020 12:07

I have posted this elsewhere but thought it might be better asked here!

I have a DS with my ex DH. We have had the same drop off times for the last 6 years. This works well and fits around my work (lots of meetings rather than shift patterns) and also fits around my other DS' sports team fixtures (not my ex's child). Our DS also knows what time he is coming and going to his Dad's.

Things are currently not good with my ex (I have had to block him). Amongst other things, he is now demanding that the drop off times are changed to a time that is completely unsuitable for me (right in the middle of my work day or when other DS is playing a match).

I have said I can not accommodate this change and explained why and I have been told tough, he will be bringing him back when he says. When asked why he wants this new time his answer was 'things change'.

DS is 7. There is not a court order in place. What would you do?

OP posts:
FenellaVelour · 09/08/2020 12:09

He shouldn’t be unilaterally making changes, it’s something you should both be agreeing to. If you can’t (or he won’t), I’d suggest mediation in the first instance.

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 12:09

What does he plan to do with DS when he turns up in the middle of the day and you aren’t there?

Original poster
afternoonnapping · 09/08/2020 12:12

@FenellaVelour We have had one session of mediation and were told that we couldn't have any more due to lack of agreement.

@Smallsteps88 At the weekend the chances are I wouldn't be there due to my DS' sports fixtures. This happened yesterday and he kept DS until I returned but I was told that this was not to happen again.

OP posts:
TeddyBeans · 09/08/2020 12:15

Get a court order sorted, you'll have to go to mediation but you can't be expected to make all the compromises. He needs to discuss it with you, not just dictate what you're doing now

justilou1 · 09/08/2020 12:18

You will obviously have to go to court. Obviously there is someone else pulling his strings. (Or zipper, perhaps.)

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 12:19

but I was told that this was not to happen again.

But what will he do if it does happen again? Just stick to your original agreement until he offers to sit down and negotiate a new plan. He doesn’t just get to say it’s changed and that’s that. It’s a two people process.

Original poster
afternoonnapping · 09/08/2020 12:20

We did try mediation and it didn't work. He paid for his mediation sessions by deducting it from my DS' maintenance Confused

I think I'd feel better if there was someone else pulling his strings but unfortunately this is yet another way of him trying to exert some kind of control!

OP posts:
BluebellForest836 · 09/08/2020 12:27

Maybe the time doesn’t suit him anymore ... it needs to work for both of you.. not just you.

Try to compromise

Original poster
afternoonnapping · 09/08/2020 12:32

@BluebellForest836 It doesn't suit him simply because he wants to cause drama. If there was a genuine reason then I would try and compromise (although there is nothing I can do about my other DS' sports fixtures).

OP posts:
Drumple · 09/08/2020 12:34

Go to court.

FenellaVelour · 09/08/2020 12:45

If mediation has failed, then you could apply to the court - who, in my experience, would favour the status quo (especially given it’s a six year arrangement) and are unlikely to be too impressed about all this.

PinkDaffodil2 · 09/08/2020 12:45

I agree with PPs it sounds like you’re going to end up in court if mediation failed. It could be a good opportunity to set some boundaries.

Original poster
afternoonnapping · 09/08/2020 12:56

@FenellaVelour Have you been to court? I've no idea what it entails. I'm concerned they'd agree to him changing the times. I have no one else to take my other DS to his sports games so if that happened he'd have to leave his team.

OP posts:
FenellaVelour · 09/08/2020 15:58

I work within the family court system.
It’s fairly straightforward to make an application, you’ll need a C100 form from your local court and I think the application costs £215 unless you’re on a low income.
You will need to get your mediator to sign to say mediation was unsuccessful and then set out the history and the arrangements you are now seeking to formalise due to disagreements.
Cafcass will do safeguarding checks (police and social services) to check there are no welfare issues and they’ll have initial brief telephone calls with you both to see if either of you have any safeguarding concerns, they’ll then write a letter to the court setting out any concerns.
If there are no significant safeguarding concerns then they won’t be any more involved than this, though a duty officer may attend the first hearing.
Hearings are still happening remotely at the moment.
There’ll be a first hearing which is to examine the case and hear from both parents and to see if any agreement can be reached.
If no agreement, there’ll be a final hearing where you both set out what you think is in your children’s best interests and why, and the judge will hear your evidence and make a decision which will be set out in a court order.
If you’ve an arrangement which worked well for six years and there’s no good reason to change it, I find it hard to imagine the court will do anything other than enshrine the existing arrangements in a formal order. The courts are mostly keen on the status quo where there’s no reason for a change.

LannieDuck · 09/08/2020 17:13

I agree - court so you have a firm arrangement. Also CSA - he shouldn't be underpaying maintenance based on his say-so alone.

However, it's not unreasonable of him to ask to change contact times. What is unreasonable is dictating what the new arrangement will be without your input. I would take the approach that the old routine is in place until you both agree a new one... which you're willing to discuss. But you're not willing to have an arrangement unilaterally dictated to you. If he still carries on playing silly buggers... court.

Original poster
afternoonnapping · 09/08/2020 18:32

@LannieDuck He is refusing to continue with the usual times. Has said as of last week the times need to be the new ones he has decided. He's simply not willing to discuss it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
afternoonnapping · 09/08/2020 18:34

@FenellaVelour Thank you for all that info, it's really helpful. I think this will likely end up in court so I'm hoping they see things like this as unreasonable on his part. I have had to block him because of the rubbish he sends me, I just want to have a stress free life where I'm not wondering what stunt he's going to pull next!

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 09/08/2020 19:18

Cant he meet you at sport fixture or you drop ds at his game and go pick other ds up

Original poster
afternoonnapping · 09/08/2020 19:21

@Waveysnail My DS's fixture (if not at home) can sometimes be up to an hour's drive away. I don't always know where the fixture is going to be until the week before either.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 09/08/2020 19:42

I would send him a message in whatever form you usually use stating that the change of time does not work for you and he will therefore need to either stick to the standing arrangement of 6 years or return him by x time - whatever time you need to be able to got to match etc.

I assume he cannot access your house and therefore cannot leave ds alone there. He will remain responsible for him until you return so he either works with you or sits and waits in the car....

But it does sound like formalising things is the way forward both with court order for access and CMS for maintenance.

Hotcuppatea · 09/08/2020 19:48

Is an option that contact ceases until an agreement is in place that means that DS isn't left alone? Through the court or a private arrangement again.

DS can then just come with you to the sports matches.

TeddyBeans · 09/08/2020 23:18

@afternoonnapping

We did try mediation and it didn't work. He paid for his mediation sessions by deducting it from my DS' maintenance Confused

I think I'd feel better if there was someone else pulling his strings but unfortunately this is yet another way of him trying to exert some kind of control!

Get your maintenance sorted through CMS
Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 09/08/2020 23:23

I think it’s going to have to be court.

In the meantime, tell him in no uncertain terms that you will be sticking to the original times.

How shit this must be for your ds as well as for you.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/08/2020 23:31

The thing is, if he's going to start throwing his weight around, it's essential for future working together that you don't give in to silly bullying. He doesn't get to be in charge. The end. If you can't agree, and certainly if he can't talk to you like an adult and explain how his needs have changed and how you can meet in the middle, you go to court.

If he cannot be trusted not to piss around with maintenance, you go to CMS.

Don't engage any further. Simply tell him that if he can't continue as planned OR work with you on changes he needs, then he takes it to court. No, you will be keeping to the arrangement as it stands - there is no 'this is not to happen again' - fuck him, basically. If he doesn't like it, contact will have to stop until he takes it to court - he can explain his reasoning to a judge if he's too silly and childish to do so to you. :)

Zero tolerance, or he will keep pulling this shit.

Icanflyhigh · 09/08/2020 23:50

@afternoonnapping, I'm not convinced we don't have the same ex!

6 and a half years after he walked out,he is still trying to control and manipulate. His latest tantrum juat this week is to accuse me of atealing ia fathers inheritance (again) and the proceeds from the sale of the house that I wasn't allowed to be on the mortgage for - this is all historical 10 years plus stuff and came out this week because he was unable to get a text response from the youngest 2 DCs because they'd had their phones confiscated as a means of discipline for bad behaviour. It isn't his only way of contact - he has a landline number and 2 x mobile numbers for me and DP, but apparently I should have been courteous enough to tell him about the phones rather than just severing his contact.
I'm afraid I laughed at him this time and ended the call.

He is perfectly able to text me when he wants me to change something, or things don't fit for his life, so it's not like he isn't able to contact them.
Honestly, I'm tempted to go court route myself this time and have it set out officially.

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