To judge people on their choice of partners?

[Silkysally]

I work for a large organisation where dating amongst colleagues is fairly common. In the past couple of years, 2 women I work with have started serious relationships with men, who at least at work, come across as not very nice (I.e. passive aggressive, misogynistic and other similar personality traits). Everytime I have to deal with one of the guys, which is luckily not often, I wonder what on earth their partner is doing with them. Does this just make me a judgemental bitch?

Yes

Well, I don't know if it's bitchiness. It's judgement, but it's also confusion, like, being confronted with their precise standard.

I guess it's normal to look at other women's husbands and think what do you see in him? I don't over think it though.

It's why I always used to TRY and cover up for my xh's abusive weird shitty behavior to me, because I knew it advertised my low standard and that was embarrassing, even though I hadn't the courage to leave at that point.

I think it depends. If a man was fairly horrible to other people and a woman decided to date him then yes, I would think a bit less of her because she would basically be saying she has no problem with that.

But some men only become horrible after a relationship has begun and it can be hard to leave, so I think that's different.

No. Not judgemental at all. My auntie is married to an absolute prick and I wonder wtf she sees in him.

I'll extend it further though. What about the knobheads company he keeps? I think if a fella has knobhead mates - steer clear!!

Are they wealthy?

My x wasn't horrible to me right away obviously but he had this pattern of 'granting' and withdrawing approval. That was a red flag that he was an abusive dickhead but unfortunately that was how my mother raised me, so sadly when I met my x and he effusively talked me in to the things that reflected well on him or were convenient for him and went cold on me or talked me out of doing things that didn't suit him, it did make me feel stifled and upset but it also felt so familiar.

So many posters come on here and berate stupid women for procreating with dickheads but unfortunately the wisdom to outgrow your childhood trauma often comes after your fertile years (or at the end of them)

to every woman who figures it out eventually.

I'm frankly ashamed of my sister since she took up with a conspiracy theorist who's dragging her down the YouTube rabbit hole. He promotes racist posts on Facebook and hectors people who disagree, or who ask for assertions to be backed up by facts - including her eldest child and our mother. I've tried talking to her, but after half a century of being 'boring about things no one else is interested in' I'm suddenly a narrow minded bigot.

I'm done.

I'm pretty sure I'd judge,but possibly privately!

Yeh, I know somebody who is at risk of falling down that hole. It used to be the odd post that was not mainstream opinion, now I don't know how she is finding time to come across all these strange opinions.
I don't know how she has the energy to believe every conspiracy.
I don't always 100% trust the government but there's nothing specific that I'm going to wrap myself up in knots over. But, if you post on the fb page of somebody who is up to their neck in conspiracies they think you're really naive.

But the OP is talking about guys who act all nice and then their behaviour changes during a relationship. She's talking about guys who act disgustingly in the workplace and yet these women still decide to date them.

No. I find myself repeating "no one ever knows what goes on in a relationship except the people themselves**" when I find myself thinking "why on EARTH are you with this person".

**the drunk me equivalent is "well, presumably they are very good in bed".

Not everyone is abusive from the start. A lot of women have seen abuse and have very low standards as a result. Do I judge them because of what they faced in their childhood? No. Pity, yes. Judgement, no.
Being able to judge others is a result of privilege one way or other.

I try not to because I understand how abusive relationships work, but sometimes it's hard. I judge my mother for forcing us to live with my abusive father, although I judge him harder for being abusive. I do think there's some truth in judging people by the company they keep, but it's more complex in the case of abusive relationships.

Interesting
I've disliked some friends and family members partners but hadn't altered my opinion of rhrnn as sometimes there are underlying issues they resolve and work through. E G past trauma.
However.
I have a neighbour whom I 'liked' and felt was sound until recently. My opinion of her has changed owing to her husband.
He is vile. He has upset and threatened many neighbours over petty issues, she has often intervened with phone callas trying to placate. Including to me after he abused my friend for her 'parking' near his house.
The cherry on the cake. He attacked a young lad and is on bail awaiting court appearance, many many eye witnesses to this locally as it was a busy weekend afternoon.

She is at risk of, worst case scenario losing her own job and at best professional respect for her part (encouraging him), has fallen out with family including her sister and it really is staggering she stays with him. Added to which, he doesnt work and she's the breadwinner. No kids either.

He has caused alarm and distress to so many. To begin with, I felt she was a victim but I think she enables him and cannot respect someone who feels his criminal behaviour including racism (the recent attack was racially motivated), misogyny and creepy remarks to young girls are ok traits in a partner. All of these he has done.

But ToTickle, the OP isn't talking about guys who throw off their whiskers and start behaving badly towards their partners after a relationship is established, nor actually about women who have such low standards that they don't see anything wrong about a man being nasty to them. She is talking about guys who are nasty about other people, about third parties, just generally nasty. However much I felt I didn't deserve to be treated nicely, I do hope that wouldn't lead to a sense that other people didn't deserve to be treated nicely either. Surely one of the most central things you'd ask of a guy is "what are his standards? would I have to be ashamed of them?"

1. Pricks lovebomb the vulnerable women they seek out when those women are at a difficult time in life. They're predators.

1. It's very difficult to get away from one of these guys when they set their sights on you if you are in a situation where you must see them every day for hours at a time (e g working alongside). The woman is a vulnerable and captive audience for lovebombing.

Who do you think will lose their job if the relationship ends (especially against the abuser's will)? A vulnerable woman or a manipulative man? Everytime.

Obviously I would never, ever get back in to a shit relationship for this reason but society does marginalise single women with children.

Even when my xh was a boring moody bastard to me i was still invited to the neighbours' barbeques, the school mums' small coupley dinner parties. That was fun, being included in that stuff.

There is a social penalty to being a single parent. Obviously it's not really a penalty. It's just a slow transition from one type of life to another. And it seems like a penalty when you have young kids and you've no freedom.

Not saying that that a few barbecues in neighbours' back gardens would make anybody sane stay with a moody arsehole, but quite often mothers will assess their life and their options and they aren't brave enough for the newly single stage of life. It isn't easy to choose to disentangle finances, fight through courts, relocate, job-hunt, adjust to so much change etc.

These guys are arseholes and instead you choose to judge their female partners. Interesting.

If it was racism etc then I would judge. But other issues are more complex. I grew up in an abusive household and in a family that had the attitude that men could do what they wanted and women should be grateful. It took a lot of growing up, even into my 40's to shake that off.

Some people will settle and overlook faults.

If the guy is just a bit of a prick, no.

If it's an India Knight situation and the guy is a paedophile, yes.

Yes I do judge racism as stated in my earlier post.
Other issues as Ponoka says are compex

Definitely racism - and mysogyny - deal breakers for me. I have recently more or less ghosted a friend whose husband is both of these and more, she's into this 1950s housewife crap as well - I could no longer bear to see this intelligent, capable woman submit to walking behind him at social events. She inherited a large sum of money and handed it over to him, enabled his hobbies so that he'd feel "accomplished". Bought her own kids up to expect the same. Fuck that. I couldn't respect her any more

Funny thing is she was hyper critical of any woman who wasn't entirely independent and yet there she was scraping along behind him. I think what @Ponoka7 says is very relevant, some people are bought up to "settle". When I told her I wanted to leave my husband she was incredulous, she couldn't understand why any woman would leave her man. FFS!!

Sounds like you have better judgement than they do.

Yes, I do but in a different way, since a past boyfriend dumped me for a woman who was very uneducated and had never worked, despite being in her thirties. He was a degree educated computer scientist and was always critical about my achievements, never praised me and was quite controlling. Its obvious what he was wanting in a woman (obedience and deference) and it wasn't brains and beauty! So I do tend to be suspicious of men who date women very dissimilar to them, unless the woman has a really lovely personality.

I had people tell me I could do better. Well perhaps but i am still with him 15 years on and have 2 children together so he can,t be that bad.