To ask neighbours to change the conversation subject in their own garden???

[Bigbus]

We have some neighbours who rent the terrace house next door. They are in their late twenties, a group of friends with stressful public sector jobs and since lockdown eased they often have people round in the garden to talk and drink and listen to music. Although it is quite loud I really don’t mind - we often had friends round late in the garden before we had kids (different place, a flat with other young professionals in the block) and they always turn the music off before midnight, although the talking might go on until 6am, sometimes on week days as they work shifts.

They are nice people and put up with our noise - a lot of teenage shouting at the moment!

However, here is my AIBU? The content of what they say is not the sort of thing I would want my DD13, DD12 and DS8 to hear. Lots of sexual references. One night two guys were out there referring to women as ‘snakes with tits’, tonight they were shouting about having their pubes before going out because ‘your never know who you might f*ck’, they talk about masturbating, sexting, discuss the physical attributes of women in a very sexualised way. I’m not a prude and they are young and single, but I’m not sure I want my kids to hear all this. On the other side is a family with DS10 and DS6. It’s difficult to shut the windows at the moment because it’s so hot.

So am I being ridiculous and it’s really not a big deal? Should I shut the windows and buy some fans? Or should I make myself look like a boring old goat and ask them to think about what they are saying?

They're not just talking about sex though they are being sexist and disgusting. You would not want them to be in any way role models for your dc (or for them to think this was normal).

What they are talking in their garden all night until 6am?
I think that is unreasonable in itself. Never mind what they are talking about.

A bunch of young, single men without kids have probably not even realised that kids are hearing & it’s inappropriate. Until you have kids you don’t consider that kind of thing. Just ask them I’m a friendly/bit jokey way to tone it down a bit.

This is what I'd do, "come on lads, there are little ones listening...". In my experience at least this has always been enough to get most people to tone it down.

Thanks all - just to clarify, I’m not listening in, but it’s a terraced house with small gardens so the are effectively sitting outside my kitchen windows and underneath the kids bedroom window. I think I will have a quiet word sometime when they are not drunk and ask them to be a bit more mindful of what they say in the earlier part of the evening.

When I was in my 20s and childless I would often forget to watch my swearing and such because it wasn't really on my radar that it was offensive and if someone had pointed out to me that kids were listening I definitely would have apologised and shut up. I wasn't a bad person, I was just mouthy and crude. I once told a delivery guy off for saying fuck in front of my toddler and got a bit of abuse for it but I probably was rude. I just went "Oi! Stop swearing" and pointed to my kid. I imagine that had I been a bit more polite it would have been better.

Its a terraced house and they talk in the garden till 6am? You're a lot more polite than I would be, I would report that it is very antisocial behaviour.

Just ask them in a lighthearted friendly way, and make sure they arent drunk when they do it. I wouldn't do it while it is happening but get them during the day when they aren't all riled up and together.

Please ignore previous posters suggestions of sarcasm, rudeness, reporting directly to landlord etc! They're in their 20's & have no children, they probably haven't even thought they might be unreasonable. Ask nicely & explain the issue, pp who said make it seem like they're doing you a favour has a good approach.

If they're rude or unwilling to be considerate after initial polite request then its a different matter.

Their conversation sounds horrendously sexist and gross. I wouldn't want to listen to that myself and certainly wouldn't want kids to hear it. Have you asked the neighbours on the other side what they think? Might help to form a coalition.

I definitely would start off by appealing to their better nature, if they have one, but being jokey/sarcastic won't work. Just be clear and polite: their conversation is not appropriate for children to hear. Could they please either change the topic, or have the conversation indoors where your children won't be listening. If they refuse or continue, then I would think about pursuing it as a noise complaint, and get in touch with the council, police, and their landlord.

I would probably take over a bottle of wine or beers or whatever you think they drink during the day, knock on the door and tell them this in a sardonic sort of way, we've all been young and we've probably all been there at some point. I bet they'll be embarrassed and will agree to stop; I bet also they'll forget at some point, but if you've addressed the situation with good humour already then I'm sure a well-timed outdoor "OI" when it happens again won't be taken badly.

They don't sound like nice people. They may seem friendly but clearly they don't actually have any consideration for others.

I think you should worry less about being perceived as a middle aged bore. When I was a student their behaviour would have pissed me off.

I am not sure the best way to approach it but it sounds like something that needs to stop. Hopefully you won't need to restrain them for too long before the cold weather kicks in to help you out.

Wait til your kids are out then throw in your two cents worth - eg give them a clinical opinion on their preferred method of manscaping. They'll be so mortified and will stop. Might be a bit embarrassing though - you might need to warn your neighbours so they don't think you're a freak.

I don't buy the idea that because they are young single guys they wouldn't even realise it is a problem...the slightest bit of intelligence or consideration tells you that chatting outside till 6 am in a terrace is bad behaviour, and having their sexist crap overheard is unpleasant. If they can't see that they shouldn't be in any job, not sure they should even be going to the shops unsupervised! The much more likely reality is they don't care. What you have yet to find out is whether they will bow to a bit of social pressure or be more anti social. But make no mistake about it, they are not nice.

I think the landlord may be the way to go, plus your own solution of closing windows and fans.

Oh, and just to add to that, I wouldn't complain about their language or misogyny. Stick to the perfectly reasonable request of asking them to take it inside once the music is off at midnight. Sound travels at night, and windows are generally open in summer.

Is it so bad to be thought of as a middle aged bore by a group of idiots talking about shagging all the time?

You can either chat to them, over the fence and point out that the back garden isn't a private space, they can be clearly heard and are talking about their sex lives in the presence of children.

It, if being a middle aged bore is too much for you...start joining in every single time you hear them.
So they talk about shaving their lives...loudly declare it to be disgusting and you prefer a full bush.
They talk about masturbating...tell them you got hairy palms as a twenty year old and now have to shave regularly.
Make sure your own kids aren't around obviously but throw yourselves into the conversations. That way, you won't be thought of as a middle aged bore. More like a weird, middle aged pervert.

Either way I'm sure they'll respond and start to tone it down.
They don't have kids and talk as though there aren't kids within ear shot.
Be a middle aged bore (repeatedly if necessary) and they'll probably be embarrassed and save those chats for indoors.
Be a weirdo and they'll probably be embarrassed and save those chats for indoors.

I do think it's reasonable to say something. You can do it in one of two ways. The nice way, as suggested above. Or the snarky way, like wishing them good luck with those shaved pubes as they leave for an evening out.

It sounds gross but if you noisy as well you’ve lost the moral high ground.

Red pill stuff Dopamine was talking about. It sounds sadly that if a man can talk to them, it will have more effect. www.businessinsider.com/the-red-pill-reddit-2013-8?r=US&IR=T

You also need to get your dcs to play drums loudly against the bedroom wall at 7am.

I live in an area with student housing. Sometimes I talk to the households if they are doing things that are inappropriate in a very public way. Do what you want in your own house, but once it becomes a problem for someone else they can comment.

You are a middle aged parent (not bore) and you can speak to them. I would wait until next time they do it, and then say something like - I know you're not breaking any laws, but we all need to enjoy our gardens and me listening to you talking about is pretty gross and isn't fair on my kids. Please can you tone it down a bit in the garden.

If they won't they won't, but at least you'll have tried.

We had neighbours (man and woman in their twenties) move in two doors down from us. We live in a sought after part of the town because it’s right by a good school so there are lots of kids about. After they moved in, they hosted a lot of garden parties. Loud music, loud talking and loud swearing. We got that they were excited to have the house and wanted to gather with their friends. If it was only occasionally, we wouldn’t have minded but it was every night (sometimes during the day too) for weeks. In the end, my DH went round and politely asked them to stop swearing so loudly in the garden as we wanted our DD (at the time 5) to be able to enjoy our garden too. They were perfectly reasonable and stopped. They still have the gatherings but no where near as frequently but the swearing is much quieter and less frequent.

Definitely have a polite word with them about it. If they don’t listen, that’s when you maybe escalate it with noise complaints or contacting landlords.

I wouldn’t join in or try to out-do them. Ask them to keep it down before they’re pissed.

Definitely talk to them when their sober. I'd be discussed at some of that talk, probably enough to have complained to their landlord.

This happened to my friend and me - albeit once and in Pizza Express. We decided to fight fire with fire and had an equally loud conversation about various aspects of childbirth. Episiotomies, forceps, centimetres dilated - the lot. They were horrified and soon scuttled off.....

I imagine all the other diners felt the same way about you, talking about that while families are eating dinner.