To not let him see them tomorrow

[iamtheoneandonlyyy]

My judgement is clouded. Or maybe not.
Recent ex, split due to domestic abuse and went to refuge with our children for a brief time.
Trying to be fair about access etc and have a reasonable routine however he has been using drop offs and pick ups as a way to continue messing with my head and feelings.
Anyway. Our children are 5, 3 and 1. He's asked to take them to the park tomorrow as it's near both of our homes and nice weather etc.
He's just been seen out with a new victim, or woman I should say. And seemed to be off his face on coke. There's no proof exactly but based on his past before and some slight suspicions I've had, I do know it's possible.
I now feel torn about him taking the kids out. But I can't work out if it's partly fury or the horrible feeling if there being someone else already or purely the drug issue.
In theory he will be sober by then and walking to the park but it just feels wrong handing them over knowing this, but they adore him and I don't want to let them down.
I don't trust my brain anymore, my knee jerk response is don't let them go but I don't want to punish them

Do you have to leave them? Can you not stay in the park and observe their contact from a distance?

No it's too soon after the split and the children already want me to go with them and I don't want to confuse them. Plus he will be very disagreeable about it and it's still all quite fresh for me to cope being near him

If it was me he would have to take me to court, because I would want supervised access.

The adult part of me that sees him for what kind of man he is wants that too but the mum side of me doesn't want to put any more pain into my kids lives because they're too little to understand.
They know they love and miss him and I don't want to make it worse for them

Well if he is sober then I don,t think you are right to stop him. If you went partying with your mates do you think you should be allowed contact the next day. I think you would.

My ex was an alcoholic and I never let him have unsupervised access to the kids. It was horrible but I went along to every visit, until the visits petered out, to make sure they were safe.

I would never do coke before taking care of three small children if that answers the question. Or at all as a parent to be honest.

I wouldn,t either but I have met parents. (very middle class ones.) That do. And you could arque it,s not necesserily worse then being drunk. Also do not go on heresay.

That wasn't meant rudely, I'm just so guarded with him after the events of the last year that my instant reaction to anything is panic. He's unrecognisable to me as the man I spent the last eight years with and had three children with. It's been a horrific time.
It still is.
And that's why I'm asking, I want to do what's right for them not me or him.

Unfortunately he's more the scoop me out of the gutter type rather than capable after a night out. He was teetotal but he's not now. I suspected coke already and a few people have asked me about him doing it.

Wel he's not answering the phone at the times he's told me to call so I've got some excited but possibly about to be disappointed kids here. I suspect there's a lot of this in their future 😞

Please tell your dc df isn't well. And that a person called a judge will have to decide if he is well enough to take them to the park.
3 dc and a drugged up df ain't a good combo..
Yabu to contemplate him having the dc.
Any accidents in his care leave you also at fault imo.

Why don't you go to the park and if he meets you there you can leave him with them (watching from a distance)

Awful situation for you to deal with x

I’d make him take you to court for supervised access. To be honest if you had to go to a refuge I’d have done it already

If I was there he'd have no issue with ranting to the children and other parents about it loudly. He's so sure the worlds out to get him that he will happily yell it from the rooftops.
I don't want them to hear him being nasty any more, that's why we left.
I will probably tell them he's been called into work today so they aren't confused.
He adored them until we left, now they are used as a tool to cause hurt quite a lot

I don’t understand, why do you have to call him? Is this a way of trying to control you?

I’m not sure I understand. Is the coke taking right before he’s picking the kids up? Or the day before? I get concerns re drug taking and being around kids, but if he doesn’t have the kids today and isn’t picking them up till the afternoon it’s on him how he spends his time surely? And if let’s then down then that’s a separate issue. I wouldn’t be trying to call him the day before. Just call him if he doesn’t show.

I don't know anymore.
I'm being played like a Damn fiddle because I've been still feeling stupidly guilty for leaving.
I'm in more of a mess than I realised.
I've been up most of the night thinking and I thought I was on top of it all but I'm still just accepting his rubbish but without realising.

No it was until this morning he was doing it and had them this afternoon. I can't call if he doesn't show as he can't come here, I have to take them to him

And no, I haven't tried to call him the day before, I avoid contact as much as possible.

You have to keep your dc safe.
That is your moral duty.
Their safety is your responsibility.
His feelings are of no concern to you...
You need to seek professional help to gain some sense of right /wrong if his needs come before your dc's...
You can acces the Feedom Program online I believe.

I would stop pick ups and drops of from your house, your home should be safe. Can you agree for him to pick up from the park and you collect from an agreed place, I agree during covid quite tricky. At handover you can judge he is sober and if he doesn't show the kids get a trip to park. You need to be strong and consistent and it won't happen overnight but he will lose his control over you

Is there no one from the refuge you stayed in that can support/advise on his contact with children.
If he is using access to continue bullying you, supervised or no access seems the way to go - all very well for you trying to be fair, but if he is just using at the opportunity to get at you through them, or he is 'ranting' to them about you.your relationship, it sounds as if it will not be great for them.

Just read your update. I would stop taking to his that gives him control. Are kids in childcare? Pick up from there worked well with me ( I did need to pay incase he didn't show!!)

Trust your instincts.
Don't let them go.
He could still be under the influence. Anything could happen. He may not supervise them properly, he may have upset someone in the pub last night when he was off his face and they may confront him, he may fall asleep or anything. Just no.
I'd be going to court.
The children's welfare comes first.