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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Abroad Holidays

56 replies

Isaidmaybee · 08/08/2020 22:33

DH and I can't afford to take our children on a holiday abroad, although we... or maybe I, would love to.
However, we can stretch to us individually going abroad with friends for a few days. I have said that this doesn't quite fit with me and that I would prefer to put the money towards a family abroad holiday for the future and save towards this.
DH however sees things differently and is planning his third abroad city break with friends since having our children. They will be going to Germany after Christmas.
I feel sorry for him in some ways as all of his friends earn much more money than him and can afford both the family abroad holidays and the individual ones with friends. Our budget is much tighter.
Our son is desperate to go on an aeroplane and I can't help but feel a bit disgruntled that DH is going abroad for a few days and will get to go on an aeroplane when we as a family, won't. At the same time, it must be difficult being part of a friendship group who have much more disposable income than we do. In the past, I have known him over-spend through trying to live to their means.
Just for context, DH gets to socialise with his friendship group several times throughout the year through sporting events, going to the pub and regular hobbies so it isn't like he can't socialise with them at other times.
Also, there doesn't seem to be much motivation from DH for us to save for a family abroad holiday, he seems content with us sticking to our caravan trips whilst he goes abroad individually every couple of years with friends.
I feel quite disappointed.

What are your thoughts?

AIBU?

OP posts:

LoveInTheTimeOfCorona · 08/08/2020 23:12

He sounds like a selfish man.

AuntieStella · 08/08/2020 23:12

We're not planning on going abroad for the foreseeable. Not the cost, sheer unwillingness to travel (risks of infection on journey, risk of clampdown on what can be done at destination, risk of quarantine being imposed on return, hassle in getting adequate insurance, esp as EHICs won't be valid by then).

I don't think he should be planning on going this autumn/winter. His friends won't mind if he doesn't do absolutely everything. And ther's a good chance this trip will fall by the wayside, as being disinclined to travel is a pretty common position until next spring.

DS will also need to be told nothing abroad until pandemic stabilises.

DH is also taking the piss in opting out of family life for epthese trips away - I'd be telling him that it's not fair, and he gets no more breaks until you have had similar number of breaks. And even then, he re-starts only when you can afford a better variety of family holidays

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 08/08/2020 23:33

He sounds very selfish.

Separate holidays for the adults only come once the family holiday has been budgeted for.

SoloMummy · 09/08/2020 00:10

If he wants to play with the big boys ge needs to earn like the big boys doesn't he! Otherwise just grow up and accept that's not his life and priorities - shouldn't be!

nancy75 · 09/08/2020 00:13

Our priority is the family holiday. No way Dp & /or I would go away if we hadn’t had a family holiday that year.

blacktop · 09/08/2020 00:15

He is going abroad for the 3rd time but you can't go on a family holiday? Why not? 3

BluebellsGreenbells · 09/08/2020 00:19

When the kids were little DH would often go away with friends. Life is for living!
We had U.K. holidays and short weekend trips, days out. Plus I would take them to see family in another country.

I don’t think it’s selfish. I think we all need a break and unwind.

I had a lovely weekend in London last year with friends and had booked an other which go cancelled. DH did a golf weekend, and a stag weekend. 2/3 kids had trips booked through school. Which again have been cancelled.

I just don’t see the problem.

blacktop · 09/08/2020 00:32

@BluebellsGreenbells

When the kids were little DH would often go away with friends. Life is for living! We had U.K. holidays and short weekend trips, days out. Plus I would take them to see family in another country.

I don’t think it’s selfish. I think we all need a break and unwind.

I just don’t see the problem.

The 1950's want your back

2pinkginsplease · 09/08/2020 00:36

For us a family holiday comes first , once that has been booked and paid for we can then think about weekends away with just us two adults or with others. The kids are our priority.

Nottherealslimshady · 09/08/2020 00:39

DH and I both believe in getting holidays on our own. BUT that's on the basis that we can afford holidays alone and together. This is one member of a family repeatedly getting something no one else is. What about the kids who's friends all get to to go on holidays and they dont. They've got to get over it but a grown man doesn't?

AdoreTheBeach · 09/08/2020 00:43

My DH would never do this. How horribly selfish. You can clearly see where his priorities are and it’s not on you nor your family.

Jayaywhynot · 09/08/2020 00:59

Hes selfish.
Save the money he spends on trips and go on a family holiday in two years time, that gives you plenty of time to save.
You can also get free child places on some holidays, pay for one child and one goes free.

PhoneLock · 09/08/2020 01:19

Our son is desperate to go on an aeroplane

There's plenty of cheap flights available now. You don't need to go abroad to go on an aeroplane. A day trip is perfectly possible.

SendHelp30 · 09/08/2020 01:29

No way I would be married to a selfish man like this. Your son should be his priority not his lads weekends. If he wants to spend like them he needs to earn like them. Like a pp said, I’m sure your son has friends that go abroad so why is that okay for him and not DH?
Poor boy

IDSNeighbour · 09/08/2020 01:46

I'm not sure.

I think it's selfish if you can't go away with friends too. But if you ahve the opportunity to and choose not to then I don't necessarily think your husband is being unreasonable to go on his own when it's too expensive to take the whole family.

I never went abroad as a child or teenager - my parents couldn't afford it. Now I've been all over the world because I pay for it. I don't think children mind much where their holiday is and they've got their whole lives to choose where they go.

They may also get the chance for school trips abroad where you only have to pay for one family member at a time. Separate trips might be best for all of you, budget wise.

lakesidesummer · 09/08/2020 01:50

My dm did this, her dc have never forgotten this. ( df stayed at home to look after us).
My younger siblings got no family holidays at all.
It has not been well thought of looking back as adults.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 09/08/2020 01:52

Family holidays come first for us, remaining budget would be for trips with friends. If nothing remains then he can't go.

maddening · 09/08/2020 02:17

Not having an abroad holiday is not the end of the world amd never did us any harm, but the husband. Going away at expense of family holiday is unreasonable

DBML · 09/08/2020 02:27

Selfish twat.

Zenithbear · 09/08/2020 03:13

I loved taking my dc abroad and we have some lovely holiday memories. Your dh is selfish, regularly going with his mates at the expense of a family holiday? Fuck that.

Day0utDrama · 09/08/2020 06:46

Desperate to go on a plane

I believe there are museums where you can go inside a plane

NoSquirrels · 09/08/2020 06:58

I don’t know.

Your DC are young - you say you do caravan holidays in the UK as a family, so it’s not like you don’t do any family holidays whilst your DP swans off every year - you say it’s only every couple of years. You also say you’ve done the same in the past. When they’re little UK holidays are brilliant really - everything in the car, low-stress with passports, airports etc. Flying isn’t great for the environment so you’re being green.

How about a Eurocamp style holiday in France - drive/ferry/caravan. That would be cheaper than a package. An you could save up to take your DS on a weekend trip to somewhere cheap with a budget airline?

NoSquirrels · 09/08/2020 07:00

Everyone saying he is selfish because “no family holidays” or “trips with friends coming before family” is being unfair - they do have family holidays, OP says so. They just don’t go abroad fir family holidays - which is not in any way unusual or depriving the DC when they’re young!

Original poster

Isaidmaybee · 09/08/2020 07:07

We go on a family holiday every year but always somewhere in the UK.
I think he was happy a couple of years ago when I said that we didn't mind holidaying in the UK, but now that DC1 is older and all his friends are holidaying abroad, that has changed. DC1 will be extremely upset if his father goes on an aeroplane without him.
Pre-lockdown, he was planning on going abroad without us twice this year too. Once to a family wedding and once on a 5 day stag-do, I knew he was considering them but didn't realise that he was planning to do both until recently. I was furious about the wedding as we had all been invited to go, but DH, I later discovered, was actually planning on going alone with his parents due to it being "easier" than taking our baby along too.
I've not found it easy to maintain many of my friendships after having 2 DCs as I moved to a new town, so part of me is quite envious that he still has friendship groups to do these things with and I no longer have, just through becoming a Mum and moving further away. He hasn't helped me to bridge friendships with the wives of his friends and I barely know any of his friends either. He has been in his friendship group since high school.
I'm very lonely and these abroad trips without us just magnify this somehow. I have a couple of friends who I could go on a long weekend with, but I just feel guilty about it as it's money that could be put towards a family holiday. DH doesn't see ut this way as he will take the money from his personal disposable money pot (which we each have), but I'd still rather put the money towards family.
I think he is desperate to remain a part of his friendship group, hence why he is desperate to continue these abroad trips. He seems to want it all.

OP posts:

Whoopsies · 09/08/2020 07:16

I'm part of a friendship group who are always going on trips/weekends away together. They all work and have no dc and I'm a sahm. I just suck it up and accept it. I would prefer to have holidays/time spent with kids and my dh. Of course I would love to go away with my friends, but we can't afford both so family takes priority!!

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