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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Abroad Holidays

56 replies

Isaidmaybee · 08/08/2020 22:33

DH and I can't afford to take our children on a holiday abroad, although we... or maybe I, would love to.
However, we can stretch to us individually going abroad with friends for a few days. I have said that this doesn't quite fit with me and that I would prefer to put the money towards a family abroad holiday for the future and save towards this.
DH however sees things differently and is planning his third abroad city break with friends since having our children. They will be going to Germany after Christmas.
I feel sorry for him in some ways as all of his friends earn much more money than him and can afford both the family abroad holidays and the individual ones with friends. Our budget is much tighter.
Our son is desperate to go on an aeroplane and I can't help but feel a bit disgruntled that DH is going abroad for a few days and will get to go on an aeroplane when we as a family, won't. At the same time, it must be difficult being part of a friendship group who have much more disposable income than we do. In the past, I have known him over-spend through trying to live to their means.
Just for context, DH gets to socialise with his friendship group several times throughout the year through sporting events, going to the pub and regular hobbies so it isn't like he can't socialise with them at other times.
Also, there doesn't seem to be much motivation from DH for us to save for a family abroad holiday, he seems content with us sticking to our caravan trips whilst he goes abroad individually every couple of years with friends.
I feel quite disappointed.

What are your thoughts?

AIBU?

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 09/08/2020 07:18

Sounds like he wants the single life. He's very selfish.

NoSquirrels · 09/08/2020 07:19

With your update, it seems like this issue is very tied up with a lot of different things that are really unrelated to holidays abroad. But if you can’t sort out the communication with your DH, you’ll continue to feel this way. The family wedding aside, he’s not behaving badly if it’s coming from his own money and you have equal money & opportunity to spend it on what you choose. Take your DS away on a fun abroad weekend break and leave the baby with DH!

midnightstar66 · 09/08/2020 07:31

So it's not that you can't afford the family holiday as all these individual ones plus a Uk break must be adding up to far more than a package, it's just that you can't afford it AND all the individual ones. Your DH sounds totally selfish and is wanting to still lead the single life. He needs to earn more if he wants to keep up with his friends!

SteelyPanther · 09/08/2020 07:33

What a shit. Such a selfish man child.
I’d divorce him then take the kids on an aeroplane with the maintenance money.
He’ll soon find he can’t afford his friend’s lifestyle when divorced, and I suspect he won’t like having to look after the kids 50% of the time.

SteelyPanther · 09/08/2020 07:35

Do you still have family and friends in your old town ?
Would you consider moving back there if you did split up ?

Noname1234567890 · 09/08/2020 07:47

Can you plan your family holiday next year to be abroad? We used to do caravan holidays in the UK when the kids were small and they aren’t any cheaper than going abroad a lot of the time. Plan it now so you know the cost and just tell DH this is where you are all going.

Original poster

Isaidmaybee · 09/08/2020 07:49

DC1 is settled here at school and with his friends, so if we ever did split up, I think I would stay in our current town. I just need to make more effort to make more friends!

It's just hard to do with young kids isn't it. I'm friends with lots of mums at DCs school, but the friendships just haven't had the time to grow yet into more solid ones.

OP posts:

Original poster

Isaidmaybee · 09/08/2020 07:51

@Noname1234567890 I would do this if it wasn't for covid 19. I am wondering whether to book something for 2 years from now to give us something to save towards and hopefully the risk of covid will be gone by then.

OP posts:

Day0utDrama · 09/08/2020 07:52

You could try something like
Train, or bus to somewhere in UK
Fly back
Or fly both ways
Short journey like Jersey, Isle of Man. one end of UK to the other

zafferana · 09/08/2020 07:54

This is very selfish of your DH. I totally agree that family comes first. I can't imagine pissing off on holiday with my mates if my DC was desperate to go on a plane and we couldn't afford to do both. His holiday to Germany this winter is almost certain to be cancelled anyway, so the decent thing to do would be to tell his mates he doesn't want to commit to travel at the moment and put that money aside for a family trip.

Thehop · 09/08/2020 07:56

Your husband is a selfish twat o think! No way would me prefer my husband out ourselves before the rest of the family like that! He’s basically saying he is more important than the rest of you!

If you do decide you want to book something, most places let you book with a deposit and pay in instalments. Ask him to send you half the monthly cost, to prompt him to save?

We also really like France in static caravans. We use the sun holiday vouchers. We’ve done Italy and Spain with them too.

SteelyPanther · 09/08/2020 07:58

I found that when the kids went to high school, those school gate friendships ended.
Do you work ? Do you do anything for yourself, where you can meet people ?
I found it hard when I had my first DC as I had to give up work, yet all the mums in the ante-natal class I met went back to work. I went to toddler groups but it was full of grandparents and child minders.
I don’t have long term friends, my friends have always been my workmates.

BluebellsGreenbells · 09/08/2020 08:01

The 1950's want your back

LOL - but I disagree.

I don’t own DH and he doesn’t own me! We talk about invitations, he has lots of friends who go abroad and he travels loads for work (or did)

I work term time so get more holidays so happy to take the kids away when he’s working. Happy to look after the kids when he’s traveling for work. Don’t mind if he wants a weekend break, he’s also done family weddings alone.
I’ve been away for friends birthdays and concerts.

Kids have been to Spain, America, Portugal amongst others plus school residential.

I want the freedom to choose, so does he. I don’t see the issue.

I do think it’s important to be able to relax with friends and not all about family responsibility.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 09/08/2020 08:03

Hes selfish.
In the short term, take your children on a weekend break via plane as someone else suggested ( jersey , Ireland , isle of man ) .
In the long term think about whether you want your marriage to be 2 separate people raising kids or a united family. Different things work for different people.
The former did not work for me .

Original poster

Isaidmaybee · 09/08/2020 08:08

@SteelyPanther I changed my work slightly once I had DC so I am pretty much self employed and work alone.

I agree that most friendships stem from the workplace. I have thought about doing something 'extra' for this reason.

OP posts:

Nosuchluck · 09/08/2020 08:22

I think this is more about friendships and spending money on yourself.

NailsNeedDoing · 09/08/2020 08:33

I don’t think your DH is selfish.

He’s been led to believe that you are happy with the UK holidays because that’s what you told him, and you just said he pays for his own trips out of his own personal money, not family money, so I can’t see what he’s doing wrong.

Have you actually tried persuading him to book an abroad holiday now that your ds wants one so much?

notheragain4 · 09/08/2020 08:37

It's incredibly selfish. I am all for couples having holidays by themselves be it as a couple or individuals without the kids, DH and I have gone on 3 holidays abroad without them, it's healthy IMO, but not to the detriment of family holidays. If we can only afford one we'd prioritise a family holiday even if that mean saving and waiting 2 years, and yes I personally prefer holidays abroad over UK so would save up for that.

BarbaraofSeville · 09/08/2020 09:12

Sounds like your personal spending pots are too big or possibly not equal if you can't afford a family holiday, but he can afford several holidays just for him, plus lots of sporting events, hobbies and socialising although I do accept that a short break for one adult is likely to cost considerably less than a week abroad for the whole family, especially if you have to go in the school holidays.

But if he's had several holidays and you've had none, you must have quite a lot of personal money saved up yourself, unless you've spent it on other things?

You could use that money to take your DC away yourself when DH goes away?

But he does sound very selfish and you should certainly be looking at your budget as a family to make money available for at least one week's holiday abroad each year or every other year.

You can also go on an aeroplane fairly cheaply even as a day trip to somewhere like the Isle of Man, although it would be more relaxing to go for at least two or three days, and it's not an option at the moment due to COVID quarantine requirements.

I would do a thorough budget review (change gas and electric, see if you can spend less in the supermarket, make sure you compare costs and look for discounts before eating out or buying anything, get a cheaper mobile phone deal, etc etc) to find the money for a family holiday next year, even if it means less personal spending money for adults and he'll either have to earn more or make do with what he has for his own personal spends.

Original poster

Isaidmaybee · 09/08/2020 09:24

I agree @BarbaraofSeville.

I have a little personal money saved up. Not a lot though.
We have £250 per month each personal money. Mine goes on clothes, skin care, hair care, a hobby and alternative therapies. I do tend to spend most of my money on small luxuries for myself, but would happily put more towards a family holiday. DH says we do not get enough personal money and would not be happy to pay more into the family pot.

Just told my DM, who has suggested that me and her save together to take both DCs on a little abroad break at the same time DH goes (covid depending). I think this is a brilliant idea as I'll have DM on hand to help with DCs.
DH however will be upset about missing out on their first abroad experience... but he can't have it all can he?!

OP posts:

hadley222 · 09/08/2020 09:40

I think that this is awful. We need to fly less in any case, and a once a year family holiday seems reasonable to be first priority.

Though it need not be in the middle of summer and for your DCs there are activities you could do on a holiday some other time of year.

BarbaraofSeville · 09/08/2020 09:50

Anyone who has had children has no place commenting on how often people fly. You could fly to New York once a month for less environmental impact of having even one child.

People going on holidays even a few times a year are not what's killing the planet, although from reading another thread, it seems there are people who buy new clothes for holidays, wash new clothes before wearing them, iron said clothes even though they'll just end up creased in the suitcase, and leave half those clothes behind when they leave, so anyone doing that sort of shit is part of the problem.

But OP, you and DM taking the DCs away when DH next goes away is the perfect solution and tough if he thinks he's missing out, you have a finite budget and it's his choice to put a family holiday at the bottom of his priority list.

Also have a look at Moneysavingexpert. Unless you've already done a budget review and are an enthusiast of the 'moneysaving way' there's always an opportunity to eek out a little extra fun money either by cutting essential costs, saving money/getting cashback on non essential spending or increasing your income even if it's just by doing things like switching your bank account to get a switching bonus. Every little helps.

blacktop · 09/08/2020 10:00

@BluebellsGreenbells

I have nothing against individual holidays. OP DH taking 3 foreign trips a year which is preventing a family holiday is an absolute piss take. Yes we all deserve to relax, but he doesn't get to swan off if and when he chooses while his good little wife stay is home with D.C. and they don't get to go abroad .

pasteldechocolateconchispa · 09/08/2020 10:07

@Isaidmaybee

I agree *@BarbaraofSeville*.

Don’t worry about him, if he’s so worried about missing out he’d of booked it. Take your mum up on the offer and make your children happy, he’s not worried when he is going away.

honeylulu · 09/08/2020 10:09

DH however will be upset about missing out on their first abroad experience

... Which he isn't paying for but your mum is contributing towards? And yet you know he'll gripe about missing out. Horrible selfish man.

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