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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really guilty about working

30 replies

tiredandunoriginal · 08/08/2020 17:53

I have a four-month-old baby and I started working again at 6 weeks postpartum. I’m a writer and am the main earner. My partner works part time and so do I, so that we don’t need to pay for childcare and so we can both look after baby when the other one is working. It works for us. I work from home, but on the days I work I work longer hours than he does and I’m starting to feel bad for it as I see other mums spending all day every day with their babies and I don’t want to be selfish for working, but we couldn’t afford our rent on my maternity leave (£140 a week, rent alone is £950 a month) and I do enjoy working.

I’m just wondering if anyone else works with a baby, and how do they get over that guilt-feeling? And am I doing the wrong thing? I’m constantly anxious that I’m being a bad mum.

OP posts:

omg35 · 08/08/2020 18:01

You'd feel more guilty making your baby homeless. I had to go back to work when DD was 10 weeks so only a little older than yours but the alternative was not being able to afford food or rent. DD was also in full time childcare from the off so your baby is much better off being at home with you or DP. Parenthood is a massive guilt trip. If you're doing your best you're doing enough

Buzztothemoon · 08/08/2020 18:04

It’s easy to say don’t feel guilty - but really don’t! When I feel bad about doing something away for DD I just have to remind myself that’s she’s with her doting and beloved dad. I’m missing out, but definitely not her. All good from her perspective!

MumsyMumIAmNot · 08/08/2020 18:06

I went back to work when mine was 3 months old I stopped breastfeeding to go back in. Feel awful now but at the time I thought I was super mum going back so early. My shit boss asked me to go back as they were short staffed as he had sacked the other person doing the same job as me. Do what's best for you and your family.

nokidshere · 08/08/2020 18:10

Guilt is a completely wasted emotion. Make your decision and be confident that it's the right one for you and your family. Ditch the guilt.

themental · 08/08/2020 18:10

I write for a living too so I understand the pressure of wanting to work all the time, as well as enjoying the work which can add to the layer of guilt.

Admittedly I wasn't doing this career when my girls were babies but I was a single mum and mine were in full time childcare from a few months old.

The thing is, while I felt varying degrees of guilt back then I don't feel it now. There is a lot I missed, but there is also a lot MORE my children have got to experience because I've always maintained a good level of income.

Can money buy you happiness? No. But it can buy you experiences. We live a very basic life while I'm working long hours but when I take time off, I'm motivated to make it as amazing as possible. And I couldn't do that if I worrying about how we'd pay the bills.

It's a balancing act and remember there is no correct way, but please have faith that the things you're feeling guilty about now just won't matter in a few years. I probably missed their actual first steps etc, but why does that really matter now when they're more grown and walking and talking and taking the piss out of me and laughing and joking and telling me about their interests?

There is so much more to parenting than the tiny baby years and looking back I'm kinda glad I only got to experience the highlights and not the monotonous grind

krankykittykat · 08/08/2020 18:10

I had to go back at 4 months as we couldn't afford for me not to.
We'd moved and oh could only get part time work.
Wasn't ideal but needs must and what not.

Leaannb · 08/08/2020 18:11

I never felt guilty for working and providing a very nice life for my family. Even if I did there was absolutely no way to change it

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2020 18:11

You're wondering if anyone else works with a baby? 🤣

limpingparrot · 08/08/2020 18:17

I started lightly working around 2 weeks after having my second baby, I feel that the long term benefits to the children having me (and their father) around flexibly for basically their whole childhood is worth the time I wasn’t looking after them full time early on. You’d feel guilty going back to work after 12 months too, it’s just part of parenting.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 08/08/2020 18:17

You’re doing the same thing that my DH did with me - one works while the other does the childcare. I think it’s a brilliant way to do things. Your child gets quality loving care with each parent whilst each parent also gets to maintain their career. My eldest is now 14 and my kids have a very close relationship with both of us. The other bonus is that my boys have seen both of us work, both of us do domestic chores and both of us be affectionate care-givers. It’s all good. Your child doesn’t so much need 100% care from you as loving one to one attention from you and your husband.

EarlGreyJenny · 08/08/2020 18:22

Don't feel guilty. Congratulate yourself that, by luck or design, you've ended up with a pretty much ideal way of looking after your child while maintaining your career. You need to open your eyes to how lucky you are, not everyone is.

hairypaws · 08/08/2020 18:23

Trust me, you would soon find something else to feel guilty about. Take the guilt out of the picture and figure out what works best for you all. I have found even the tiniest of things to feel guilty about, unfortunately I think it's just part of being a parent.

Original poster

tiredandunoriginal · 08/08/2020 18:29

Thank you everyone. Obviously I know other people work with babies, I was just looking for advice from people who also do, didn’t mean to come across patronising.

OP posts:

welcometohell · 08/08/2020 18:29

I’m just wondering if anyone else works with a baby, and how do they get over that guilt-feeling?

Surely you must know that plenty of women with babies work? You're far from the only one, and there are plenty who work full time.

I get over the guilt by reminding myself that providing financial security and stability is a vital part of parenting. I also remind myself that my DM went back to work when I was 12 weeks old and we couldn't be closer. As a child it never occurred to me to feel hard done by because my DM worked- it just wasn't an issue. This is something that adult women judge each other for but kids are far more accepting.

welcometohell · 08/08/2020 18:29

X post with your update, sorry

ChrisPrattsFace · 08/08/2020 18:32

I feel guilty that I’m not working.
I love my main job, and I’m very good at it. I also love staying home with my little boy but feel bad that he only has me for company! 😂

WorraLiberty · 08/08/2020 18:34

@tiredandunoriginal

Thank you everyone. Obviously I know other people work with babies, I was just looking for advice from people who also do, didn’t mean to come across patronising.

No it wasn't patronising OP. Sorry, it just tickled me a bit

Don't feel guilty.

You're working part time from home and sharing childcare with your DP, so the baby always has at least one parent taking care of them.

That's what many parents would call living the dream. Enjoy it and enjoy your family.

ivfdreaming · 08/08/2020 18:36

@tiredandunoriginal

Thank you everyone. Obviously I know other people work with babies, I was just looking for advice from people who also do, didn’t mean to come across patronising.

I didn't think you were being patronising so don't worry

And as for how you manage it (I work full time) - I make sure I'm always there for dinner, bath and bedtime no matter where in the country I've had to work that day (I'm very strict and people I work with know that if I have to drive 4 hours to Brighton for a meeting I'll be leaving early to get back for DD). At weekends I'll get the "big" shop done early and any other household jobs and then the rest of the day is spent spending time together

Dogsgowoofwoof · 08/08/2020 18:38

Really, don’t feel guilty. You’re doing the best thing for your baby. Your baby is with people that love them, when not with you and it’s great that baby gets such quality time with their dad.

I worked from 3 months and will do the same with this one. Dd goes to my mums and is with dh (her dad) at the weekends. I have zero regrets.

Don’t compare yourself to what other mums are doing, it’s not necessarily all it seems and it’s a waste of time. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’.

CokeEnStock · 08/08/2020 18:38

I was the main wage earner when dd was born and went back when she was 5 months old. I have felt guilty at times but overall never regretted it. Moving up the career ladder a bit gave me much more flexibility when she was a bit older and needed ME more, rather than feeding, changing etc and much more so later on. The transfer to secondary school and puberty etc was the hardest bit and I was glad I could do more working from home etc. Dh earns more than me now as I didn't push for all the promotions and extra travel but she's nearly grown up now so I still have time for a last blast. My pension will thank me I'm sure. And I always had the security that I could cope on my own if it was ever needed.

Thechase · 08/08/2020 18:39

Back in 2000 when I had my first you only got 3 months maternity leave. I had to leave her full time with a childminder. She is nearly 20 and so well rounded because she like us mums adapted. Never feel guilty x

cptartapp · 08/08/2020 18:55

I went back to work pt when DS 1 was four months, and again when DS2 was five months, they went to nursery which cost thousands. I didn't even have to work, nursery took all the extra anyway. I don't know that I ever felt guilty for working though, DH certainly didn't.
They're now 17 and 15 and exceptionally bright and independant. I wouldn't change a thing and am looking at early retirement.

Cloglover · 08/08/2020 19:26

Hahaha welcome to motherhood! You will spend the rest of your days with a faint ache of guilt underlying almost every decision you make wondering whether it was the right one! But your baby is with it's other parent, so if you enjoy your work there is absulutely nothing to feel guilty about. Babies and children benefit from spending time with both their parents so in many ways you are doing the very best you can for bubs by sharing the load 50/50. X

hellolittlebaby · 08/08/2020 19:33

The very Mums you see spending "all day every day" with their babies will more than likely head back to work themselves when their babies are 6-12 months old.

Your baby is spending time with you or your husband every day, you don't have to rely on childcare (especially if there's another lockdown), your child will have a lovely bond with their dad. He's more likely to witness milestones etc. You're not forking out for child care.

To be honest, I think a lot of people will be envious of your situation.

Don't feel guilty!

Notthetoothfairy · 08/08/2020 19:35

@limpingparrot

This. I went back PT when they were four months old and felt guilty. Now the eldest is at secondary and I’m still PT, so they still have the benefit of having me around a lot while I have kept my hand in, career wise (and very glad I did!).

They would never have remembered if I had taken a year off when they were babies then returned FT, as many people I know did.

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