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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this 'friend' she is stuck up her own backside?

66 replies

GingerWomanHatesTheHeat · 08/08/2020 16:38

Over the past year I've almost lost my life from complications after childbirth (sepsis), developed PTSD and PND from that, discovered my DH was having an affair when my baby was a couple of months old, then I lost my very best friend to the same thing that almost took mine.

If that wasn't stressful enough I was then undergoing investigations for potential cancer (which turned out to be benign)

There are people who have it much worse than me I know, but surely some of that warrants a little understanding as to why I wouldn't want to listen to people moan about minor inconveniences.

A "friend" who knows all of the above has spent the duration making digs and sneering about how I don't "make an effort" to check in with her anymore - when "checking in" always results in listening to her moan about minor inconveniences like how her sister has pissed her off or she's burnt the lasagne.

We live 150+ miles apart anyway and I just can't be arsed with her anymore.

AIBU to tell her she's stuck up her own arse before I block her, which I plan to do anyway.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 08/08/2020 17:26

I'd block and leave her to wonder what's happened.

jessstan2 · 08/08/2020 17:29

Just block her, no point in having a go. I'm sorry you've had such an awful time and hope things will look up for you before too long.

fuckingcovid · 08/08/2020 17:39

Tell her a few home truths provided its not likely to backfire on you and she ruins your reputation amongst other friends. If not , tell her what you think of her and block. Not to do so will niggle at you in the coming months and you'll wish you had

My child is severely disabled thanks to a disasterous birth and we have endless problems and struggles with him. I barely hang on by my fingernails, and find friends who niggle about silly little things with their children....oh, I'm so upset that DD has a (barely noticeable) scar from chickenpox... irritating and shallow. I know they are not, but when your child faces life and death episodes on a regular basis, you want to tell them to fuck off with their stupidities.

KingaRoo · 08/08/2020 17:47

I know exactly what you mean OP, I had a "friend" like this. She would also say that I was a bad friend because I didn't call her on her birthday, even though I had sent a card and prese t, and sent her a text on the day, but because I didn't actually call her (despite being in a demanding job all day long where I barely get to go to the toilet) then she was upset with me. I was also going through a cancer scare, ill DC and massive stress at work but she never ever asked me about my life.

I did tell her some home truths but I did do it in an adult way. I said that we had a different view of what friendship means. Personally I think blocking someone is childish, so I wouldn't do that. Be the big person in all of this and you will feel about it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/08/2020 17:47

There may be some who have it worse as you say but I think you've been through an awful lot and it sounds like this friend is really bringing you down, when you'd hope for a bit of support.
Are you OK? because it sounds like this has really got you down. Its so horrible to have someone sneering like that.
Is there a nice friend you could contact instead for a bit of RL support, not necessarily for a moan about the first friend, but that would be OK too, but more to just have some time with someone listening to you for a change and just generally to make yourself feel better rather than wasting any more emotional energy on composing messages or blocking the first one.. not that its a bad thing to do that but you might feel better with "a change of scene" tonight.
Friend one can save her breath to cool her porridge.
You can deal with her as and when you really feel up to it, but why not have the evening off instead and just treat yourself?
Maybe when you are feeling more upbeat you can tell her calmly exactly why you don't appreciate her behaviour. Its possible you might even get an apology, but if not you will have said your piece.
It does seem that life is all about her and for that reason perhaps she shouldnt get any more opportunity to spin this into another drama right at this moment.
I hope you are being very kind to yourself, wishing you all the very best

KingaRoo · 08/08/2020 17:48

feel better about it

AcrossthePond55 · 08/08/2020 17:49

Just let her go and block her if you don't like what she's doing. She isn't going to really 'hear' what you have to say.

I will say, though, that simply because one person has had horrible things happen in their lives (and I'm so sorry for what you've been through) that doesn't mean that someone with 'lesser' troubles doesn't have the right to complain. It's not a 'comparison contest'. Each person's troubles are, well, troubling to them. Of course, 'digs' or implications that you are making a big deal of yours are out of line. The same for monopolizing the conversation and not giving you time to vent, too.

My BFF and I both vent to each other. And we share sympathy whether the problem is huge or the problem is small. Troubles big and small all come and go and it all comes out in the wash.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/08/2020 18:01

Don’t step off the moral high ground by being bitchy. If the friendship has run it’s course, bow out gracefully.

GennyCrabby · 08/08/2020 18:03

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time of it and i hope things are on the up for you now.
Flowers

I had a friend like yours. I'd had 6 months of Everything Going Very Badly Wrong and was in a situation of similar shittishness to yours. The day she rang me, asked how I was and I said "actually not very good today" and she replied this stream of consciousness of all very minor petty reasons why she had it worse was the day I realised I needed to break up our friendship because she seriously could not give a damn about me and it was all the her her her show.

I've had friends like that since; I like to hope I spot them and bin them sooner these days.

Some people just seem to lack all sensitivity and empathy for others.

Immigrantsong · 08/08/2020 18:07

OP why can't you just speak to her and tell her what you have said here without being offensive, but focusing in the fact that you had a really hard time and need to focus on your recovery.

She may genuinely not be she is coming across like that, she may have even shared a she had to share in an effort to empathise albeit badly.

All I am trying to say is do nothing rush and don't be quick to block and delete people from your life. Communication may we solve this issue and I hope all goes well for you and your friendship.

Diva66 · 08/08/2020 18:09

I could have written this post! Just going through similar with somebody who actually sent me an email starting with the words ‘Fuck off’ when I told her about a serious health issue . I have supported her through so many things over the years, but she has never supported me. It was all about her. Has since told a mutual acquaintance that I didn’t answer her texts. She hasn’t sent me any texts, and if she does I definitely won’t be answering them! Thanks for this thread, it’s made me feel better about the situation.

MashedSpud · 08/08/2020 18:13

Unfortunately, there seems to be more entitled, attention seeking twats more than ever.

Block that shit out of your life.

TheEmpressOfUtterBastardry · 08/08/2020 18:17

She sounds awful, OP. Confrontation is sometimes just not worth the hassle, so the best thing IMO is to write down a list of the hellish things you endured, then a second list with the things she has said/not said and how upset you are about it. I would take the upset and hurt approach rather than angry and indignant, because at least she might stop to think and realise the error of her ways. Put it all in an email. Don't let it fester though...

TheEmpressOfUtterBastardry · 08/08/2020 18:19

@Leaannb

It sounds like you are the one not being a good. Yes you have definitely had issues but friendships take 2. It can't be all about you all the time. She would be better off without you
hahahaha I love a bit of ironic humour
ThickFast · 08/08/2020 18:23

I think some people just really like talking about themselves. So maybe she means well but has no clue how to have a conversation.

Original poster
GingerWomanHatesTheHeat · 08/08/2020 18:27

I'm sorry to those of you who have (or still are) been going through a hard time for whatever reason. I hope you have supportive people in your lives.

The reason I haven't broached this subject with her is because she truly believes she can do no wrong. Any falling out she has whether it's a relative or another friend, she doesn't acknowledge her part in it.

Her sister has recently decided to go low contact, probably for reasons similar to me (her selfishness and being self absorbed) and she's slagging the sister off to anybody who will listen.

I'm already being slagged off now so I figured why not tell her a few home truths and let her do as she pleases.

OP posts:
Veryverycalmnow · 08/08/2020 18:32

Block block block.

eveningfalls · 08/08/2020 18:35

Compose a message, no aggression, just lay out your facts, send it and don't engage anymore. You will feel better and being ghosted is such a juvenile thing, so better for her too, this is your perception and tell her 'I will leave all this on you'. I would always give someone the right to reply.

Cam2020 · 08/08/2020 18:47

I'm already being slagged off now so I figured why not tell her a few home truths and let her do as she pleases.

I previously said ignore her, but seriously, she sounds like an absolute turd of a person the more info you've given. If it makes you feel better, let it all out and block. What have to got to lose? I suspect she plays the victim no matter the circumstances (selfish, toxic people always, do, don't they?!) and everything is always someone else's fault. Just be sure that you're not going to feel guilty after, you've done need any more negativity if your life.

I've given someone similar a small dose of some home truths (I feel I was very restrained) and cut them out of my life - I feel a lighter.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/08/2020 19:05

I would waste very little energy on telling her. Better to just say you have being going through a tough time and need to be in contact with supportive friends. You see she isn’t willing to be yours. Wish her luck.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 08/08/2020 19:06

@GingerWomanHatesTheHeat

How are you now *@ifIwerenotanandroid* ? I hope you're ok / as well as possible. I also hope you have others in your life who are more supportive and deserving of your time.
Sweet of you. Yes thanks, that diagnosis was a shock but things could've been a lot worse: it's a lifelong thing that some others have much worse than me, but it's unpleasant & needs daily meds & it's made me quite ill a couple of times. Still, mustn't grumble Grin.

And yes, I do have a lovely DH who's always there for me, & some good friends.

It will take time for you to recover from all the things that have happened recently (weird how everything comes at once, sometimes) - even one of them would be a lot for someone to cope with. So please give yourself the time & space you need (not sure how, with a young baby, but maybe MN can suggest ways!), & find whatever help you can to get through it all & recover. All the best.

Jux · 08/08/2020 19:55

Sometimes you just need to do something which you know you probably shouldn't.

ScrapThatThen · 08/08/2020 20:00

Yes, tell her, but calmly. In detail.

SirGawain · 08/08/2020 20:05

@Leaannb

It sounds like you are the one not being a good. Yes you have definitely had issues but friendships take 2. It can't be all about you all the time. She would be better off without you
That's about the stupidest post i've seen in a long time, and that's saying something!
EmJay19 · 08/08/2020 21:38

Yuk! You deserve better than this and I hope you have better friends around. Do you think you could give her a chance to reflect once you give her a few home truths before blocking?? You must have stayed I touch for a reason?