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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

there seem to be a high number of total fuck useless dp /dh on here now.

47 replies

romeolovedjulliet · 08/08/2020 16:33

covid must have dragged them out of the wood work but i hope it's because women are not prepared to put up with the shit anymore and are looking for support onmn to do something proactive i.e ltb.
anyone who has left, in the process of leaving or looking to leave you have my full respect, be strong, stay strong you can do this, and i wish you much happiness for the future.

OP posts:
CottonEyeJo · 08/08/2020 19:32

Whilst I'll be accused of victim blaming - behind every useless husband is a woman who actively chose to marry him.
I'm less astounded by the number of awful men, than by the number of women willing to put up with it.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/08/2020 19:35

@TurnOffTheTv

I’ve been on here for nearly 18 years, it always been the same. Why would someone come on to say their partner is amazing just to be told they’re a cunt?
This😂
IncrediblySadToo · 08/08/2020 19:41

@elephantoverthehill

Re Covid

It's an anagram.

Well spotted!
popcornlover · 08/08/2020 19:52

I would how many did LTB though? They seem to disappear after their posts.
I’m assuming they’re on their happily ever after now, thanks to MN.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 08/08/2020 19:54

Behind almost every useless partner/Dh is a wife who is enabling that behaviour. OP complains but does absolutely nothing about it, or just continues to accept

BS. Behind the vast majority of these of these useless partners are women who were themselves raised in shitty situations and don't have good senses of boundaries and/or reasonable expectations, some to extremes of violence and some on more day to day things like a vastly inequitable division of labour, or sometimes a man who has played a role until a woman was pregnant/married/otherwise trapped and then eroded her sense of self.

What is absolutely always true though, is that there's always at least one lovely soul who comes on to blame the victim. Does it make you feel safer, @piscean10, to think that this stuff only happens to stupid and weak women, not strong, smart ones like you?

@CelestialSpanking I do agree too, though to a point where there's a pretty strong pattern, and maybe the best possible outcome is that it's a serial contributor with an imagination filled by lockdown, or a need for human contact - though of course it makes total sense to treat every one as serious and true, for fear of missing someone in real danger.

Gancanny · 08/08/2020 20:00

behind every useless husband is a woman who actively chose to marry him.

Lack of viable alternatives is not the same thing as an active choice.

Gancanny · 08/08/2020 20:00

And I don't mean viable alternatives as in alternative partners, I mean an alternative life.

popcornlover · 08/08/2020 20:09

I have a friend who moans about her DP all the time. Says she would rather be single, but has never left him. When I have tried to express concern or get to the root of it, it turns out that she’s hoping for a day when he’s not “like that”, and that she actually would like him then.

CelestialSpanking · 08/08/2020 20:12

@Gancanny

behind every useless husband is a woman who actively chose to marry him.

Lack of viable alternatives is not the same thing as an active choice.

So true. It’s easy enough to blame someone for “putting up with” abuse but not many people can pack their bags and leave that day it can take planning. I had to wait a few weeks for a space in a refuge (and acknowledge I was luckier than some that have leave their home via an ambulance or police car or similar with only the clothes on their backs). It takes planning. Best thing I ever did for me and my kids but absolutely fucking terrifying at the time and leading up to it.
Saucy99 · 08/08/2020 20:12

@Stuckforthefourthtime
By that token men are merely a result of their upbringing. Or are they all just hardwired to be bastards?

Gancanny · 08/08/2020 20:20

Best thing I ever did for me and my kids but absolutely fucking terrifying at the time and leading up to it.

It's also the most dangerous time. My dad never raised his hands to my mother, emotional abuse was his main tactic, until she tried to leave at which point he tried to kill her. The next time she left him took months to plan out and in that time she had to carry on as normal so that he wouldn't suspect anything.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 08/08/2020 22:54

My exh was a total shit. To be fair, I did leave him.

But I have nothing but sympathy for those who feel unable to leave shitty men. Unless you’ve been there, you don’t know.

Well done to those who picked well (or whose h’s didn’t turn into arseholes once they were pregnant / dc were babies) and can sit in judgment and criticise those who find it hard to leave Hmm

gobananasgo · 08/08/2020 23:20

The issue is you can stay or LTB. And LTB is another level of complex arrangements financially and kids care. How I see it is, you can only change yourself and even if you are very motivated, it's tough. I have some traits I work hard on keeping at bay, but my DH doesn't work on himself. Should I leave him, hmmm maybe, it's annoying but my life would be harder if I LTB.

Bosekct · 08/08/2020 23:48

Unfortunately there are a lot of men around who absolutely hate women yet still want to appear normal by marrying etc. There are also a lot of women who have poor self esteem and boundaries and can’t see the woof for the trees when it comes to men. My mother was verbally and mentally abused for all 40 years of her marriage but when I have questioned her about why she stayed so long (he has long since died) she says that no one else would have wanted her. She had no mother growing up (died when she was 7) and a father who treated her like a slave so that’s all she was used to. It’s a vicious cycle.

freeingNora · 08/08/2020 23:55

I think this is split into three camps

Women who married entitled duckers who believe that their role in life is to be served and then they sit in their office throughout covid and do little or nothing

Women who are in abusive relationships who need to get out but are stuck in the abuse triangle

And then there's the women who have been thrown together with their spouses for extended periods of time no major niggles just general getting on each other's nerves

FrenchBoule · 08/08/2020 23:58

OP, not sure why id it in AIBU (but I’m glad it is).
Sometimes the upbringing makes you to accepts whatever comes your way because this is the way it is (and you don’t question it).

It may lead women to make poor choices when comes to life decisions, choice of a partner and demands life puts on her.

Bless every woman whose eyes have been opened on MN and avoided the bullet, bless all of the good ones on AIBU and Relationships that opened the eyes of poor women telling them that The Man is nit their owner and they have the right to say “no, I don’t agree with that”.

I come from dysfunctional family, so is DH. It was a learning curve to both of us that none of us is above the other and the relationship is based on respect not orders (and the other shit that comes with it).

Help is out there. Let’s not try to be too critical of someone’s poor life choices (because they didn’t know any better) and try to guide them to think rationally.

1Morewineplease · 09/08/2020 00:08

@bethg21

theres a fair few stupid women on here too !
That’s what I’m thinking, too. Is there a vent for shit-upon men called ‘dadsnet?’
Clangerfan · 09/08/2020 01:04

Yes, www.thedadsnet.com/. There's also plenty of sites for MRAs and incels to bemoan their fate but I'm not linking to those!

Anordinarymum · 09/08/2020 01:10

My bloke is a stranger to soap. He has to be told to brush his teeth, shower more often, change his bloody underpants ( what if he gets run over by a bus - the shame of his skiddy underpants) and lift the loo seat when he takes a pixx.

I'll take all of it.

He has never said a bad thing to me and I am not perfect. He has never hurt me or made me feel bad or ugly or fat or worthless. He has never made an issue out of money and he earns a good salary.

When I read some of these stories I feel blessed.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 09/08/2020 01:17

Yes, I think Covid has made some women realise that their partners/husbands are awful, just because they’re spending more time with them that it’s harder to say everything’s ok.
There’s always been shit men around though. My dad was is a terrible husband and father, abusive, jealous and controlling. My mum just put up with it and didn’t have a forum to write about him on.
It’s very depressing reading thread after thread of men treating women like shit and women often excusing and minimising their behaviour.

A lot more support is needed for women to get away from these men.

Original poster
romeolovedjulliet · 10/08/2020 11:15

@Anordinarymum

My bloke is a stranger to soap. He has to be told to brush his teeth, shower more often, change his bloody underpants ( what if he gets run over by a bus - the shame of his skiddy underpants) and lift the loo seat when he takes a pixx.

I'll take all of it.

He has never said a bad thing to me and I am not perfect. He has never hurt me or made me feel bad or ugly or fat or worthless. He has never made an issue out of money and he earns a good salary.

When I read some of these stories I feel blessed.

sorry but he sounds more like a teenage son rather than a husband. tbh i for one certainly wouldn't settle for that.
OP posts:
Gancanny · 10/08/2020 12:52

Yeah, the personal hygiene thing would be a deal breaker for me too but each ti their own.

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