Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How you would feel about this ?

47 replies

Hellobellomarsh · 08/08/2020 11:31

Something happened at a family gathering months ago... and I just can’t keep thinking about it. I can’t really talk to anyone about this as I don’t want to seem like a drama queen but this has been in my mind ever since so would love to know others thoughts on it...

Try to keep it short... me and my boyfriend have been going out for 6years (living together for 5) I was born in Mid/Eastern Europe and moved here some time ago now...

We were at a family party a quite a few months ago where extended family and friends were invited too. Loads of people, I don’t know exactly how many but it was a bit gathering (pre COVID if anyone wonders 😅) I know his close family and met them his aunts/uncles a couple of times before but obviously loads of new faces at this event. My boyfriend was catching up with some people and I tried to make small conversations with others and just helping around a bit too... my boyfriends mum is lovely but at this event every time I got to introduced someone new she literally straight away said this is my son’s girlfriend XY and she is from Z... now this happened at least 6-8 times during the event and I started feeling a bit uncomfortable. Literally, first sentence from her included where I was from every single time... there are other races in the family too. The younger generation of the family done a bit of travelling and ended up with spouses from all over the world, however I think they are from posher countries than me so ... I mentioned my boyfriend and he said he’ll have a word with her but I don’t think he did... I don’t know if it was intentional or not but it made me feel crap... and still does. I don’t want to mention anyone anything about this as I’m worried of I think too much to it but do I? What do you think?

OP posts:
Wheelerdeeler · 08/08/2020 11:34

I see nothing wrong with that? Surely it's a very normal way to introduce people?

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 08/08/2020 11:35

Maybe she loves the country and is proud she knows someone from there?

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 08/08/2020 11:38

Definitely seems odd if that's not how everybody else was introduced. Are you absolutely certain that she didn't introduce others in the same way at all?

Honestly, I'm not too sure why she would have done this. There are so many reasons why she could, and then there are many reasons why it may have just been nothing at all. What's your feeling deep down? Try not to make yourself feel like you're silly for assuming things, you can still trust your gut about why you think she did this and then move on from it, it doesn't have to be one or the other.

Original poster
Hellobellomarsh · 08/08/2020 11:40

She’s never been and knows nothing about my country... 😅 she is lovely and this was a bit out of character I think.

OP posts:
SuckingDownDarjeeling · 08/08/2020 11:40

Oh yes and what Feral said. There are some people who are fascinated with various parts of the world. I would love to live in America. If I knew an American, I would probably introduce them and say 'hey, this is Gary, he's from California!'. Although after reading your post now I'd definitely let him know why I'm getting so weird about it 😅. Also, I don't know a Gary Grin

Ellisandra · 08/08/2020 11:42

I have read (years ago) a tip on social etiquette that when introducing someone, you should say something about them - to help launch conversation. So instead of just staring at you, the other person can say, “Iran? My friend skied there a few years ago and said it was the most amazing ski trip of his life...” and you’re away into a conversation faster than if you have literally nothing to go on.

But tbh, you were there so you’re the only one who knew how it felt. I’d be a bit Hmm thinking, “there’s more to me than that one fact...” but it sounds like you’re getting more at her looking down on your country?

Thecobwebsarewinning · 08/08/2020 11:43

It seems reasonable to me. I’m sure other people aren’t judging you on the relative poshness or otherwise of your country. It’s better than my (lovely) MIL who once introduced me to a visiting relation as “this is Cobweb, she lives with my son’. I had been married to her son for over 25 years at the time!

lughnasadh · 08/08/2020 11:44

That's perfectly normal.

Presumably most of the other had met before, so didn't need an interesting intro.

'Hello Jim, this is Bridie from Northolt' would sound mad if Jim had met Bridie last month Grin.

Original poster
Hellobellomarsh · 08/08/2020 11:44

No one else was introduced like this... some cousins or siblings spouses/partners are from different races or got a very particular accent...
my gut says that this was really out of character and I was the only whose nationality was brought up like this . It was like : ‘oh yeah this is my sons girlfriend, XY and she is from Z ‘ Every single time...

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2020 11:47

I think it depends on the tone of voice. Like was it a cheery statement of fact or did she sounds disgusted / abbey etc

Original poster
Hellobellomarsh · 08/08/2020 11:48

I know what you mean but it wasn’t like that... no one went like if you are from XY that’s lovely or anything like this...
I don’t know if just felt a bit off to me but given what you all say maybe there is nothing to worry about... it definitely felt odd though

OP posts:
ThatBliddyWoman · 08/08/2020 11:50

I may be the type to do something like this. If I was your MIL doing this my reasoning would be;
"Family gathering. Someone hellobello doesn't know. I'll make sure I get conversation going by mentioning something interesting about her ".

I see now on reading this thread how it might be seen by you though as a bit sort of, singling you out. Maybe if I'm ever in a similar situation I'll think twice.

ivfdreaming · 08/08/2020 11:51

I don't see an issue with it? If someone was introduced to me and it was clear they were from another country I'd ask them out of interest anyway so maybe she's just getting it out of the same straight away?! If she is lovely in all other respects I'd just let this go and stop dwelling on it

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2020 11:54

You said they're from posher countries, so do you think she was judging you and looking down on you?
Oh this is Ptolemy's girlfriend, she's just an experiment as he normally dates much more refined girls?

Original poster
Hellobellomarsh · 08/08/2020 11:57

Well in all honesty I do think they’d prefer someone from here or another western country... but I don’t think they dislike me.

OP posts:
Marchitectmummy · 08/08/2020 11:58

It's normal to introduce someone and add something in that introduction that is interesting about that person. It could be where you are from, where you studied, what you do for work or something that gives the person who you are introduced in a chance to find a conversation.

I would guess the thing she finds most interesting about you is where you come from, particularly if she hasn't been there.

I am often introduced along with my job, when I was younger it was where I was stupying. Mainly because at the time both of those were unusual for females.

I would find it very strange to just introduce someone as you are x partner!

It sounds as if perhaps you are sensitive about your background?

NameChange84 · 08/08/2020 12:00

This happened to me with one particular woman too except I was born in the UK, it was one of my parent’s nationalities she was referring to (and cut out the other parent’s nationality) and she followed it with “THAT’s why she’s so EXOTIC looking”. Cue lots of people talking slowly at me and asking how long I’d been here Confused.

I don’t agree that YABU. It smacks of what at university we called “Orientalism”. Emphasising and often fetishising someone’s “otherness”. The token “foreign” person.

IamMaz · 08/08/2020 12:00

My MIL once introduced me as the name of my DH's ex-wife and my DH as her son-in-law!!!

And no, she didn't drink so alcohol was no excuse...

BritWifeinUSA · 08/08/2020 12:07

I get that here too. I’m British but live in the USA and my husband is American. Although my husband doesn’t do that, his extended family do - for example we were out with his sister’s family and they spotted someone they knew at the restaurant and introduced me as “This is Bob’s wife, Susan, and she’s from England”. Take it as a compliment. It’s because they find it fascinating and it’s a talking point. It could be a lot worse,

RunningFromInsanity · 08/08/2020 12:13

It’s not normal. Not sure why people keep saying it.

You don’t introduce people as ‘this is X, she’s from Clapham’. No one does that.

FaiIWorseAgain · 08/08/2020 12:17

Do you think she did it so that you didn't have 20 people asking where you were from? to explain why his girlfriend is so exotic

hennybeans · 08/08/2020 12:33

I understand your point of view, OP. When I first came to this country I was dating a guy who always introduced me as X from Y country. It instantly makes you feel like an outsider. Like your nationality is the most important thing about you. It always led to me having to explain to the person I was introduced to my whole story of what I was doing in the UK. It's tedious and awkward and intrusive.

It would be ok if the person you were being introduced to had recently been on holiday in your country or something similar.

Now that I've been in the UK ages, nobody ever asks where I'm from even though my accent is obviously not British because it's actually a rude question, unless there's a specific reason to ask.

Marchitectmummy · 08/08/2020 12:38

RunningFromInsanity

Your statement that no one says that can not be true if people keep saying they do!

It absolutely is the correct thing to introduce a person with some information about them. Have a quick Google.

I would introduce you from Clapham if either someone in the group was also from Clapham

'D please meet R my friend from home, R live in Clapham do you still live there?'

Or no one did, but we all were familiar with London 'this is R shes living in Clapham at the moment'

If no one was from London or knew London well then the introduction would be broader. 'this is R she lives London'

But that's only if I deemed that fact to be the most interesting point about you. If you had a fascinating career I would use that, or another point that joined you both together, so X meet R I met R at work, do you remember Bornio, R was there roughly the same time you would have been....

Surely when introducing someone you don't just say this is X she's Tom's girlfriend!

Tsubasa1 · 08/08/2020 12:40

It sounds more like a conversation starter rather than her trying to offend you OP.

kazzer2867 · 08/08/2020 12:41

I don’t agree that YABU. It smacks of what at university we called “Orientalism”. Emphasising and often fetishising someone’s “otherness”. The token “foreign” person.

^^This.