How you would feel about this ?

[Hellobellomarsh]

Something happened at a family gathering months ago... and I just can’t keep thinking about it. I can’t really talk to anyone about this as I don’t want to seem like a drama queen but this has been in my mind ever since so would love to know others thoughts on it...

Try to keep it short... me and my boyfriend have been going out for 6years (living together for 5) I was born in Mid/Eastern Europe and moved here some time ago now...

We were at a family party a quite a few months ago where extended family and friends were invited too. Loads of people, I don’t know exactly how many but it was a bit gathering (pre COVID if anyone wonders 😅) I know his close family and met them his aunts/uncles a couple of times before but obviously loads of new faces at this event. My boyfriend was catching up with some people and I tried to make small conversations with others and just helping around a bit too... my boyfriends mum is lovely but at this event every time I got to introduced someone new she literally straight away said this is my son’s girlfriend XY and she is from Z... now this happened at least 6-8 times during the event and I started feeling a bit uncomfortable. Literally, first sentence from her included where I was from every single time... there are other races in the family too. The younger generation of the family done a bit of travelling and ended up with spouses from all over the world, however I think they are from posher countries than me so ... I mentioned my boyfriend and he said he’ll have a word with her but I don’t think he did... I don’t know if it was intentional or not but it made me feel crap... and still does. I don’t want to mention anyone anything about this as I’m worried of I think too much to it but do I? What do you think?

I think you might have misintertpreted her intention.

Is it possible that (knowing her own family well) she is well aware of non PC views they hold on certain topics, and by announcing your relationship, and where you are from, she wanted to forestall them from making any negative comments about your country, or your relationship with your BF. IOW she was probably protecting you and her son from her own relatives.

Look at it another way - she saved you from hundreds of conversations all starting 'So where are you from?'. (Not because of any bad intent, it's something that's asked of people from London, Devon, Scotland, Guildford as well).

What's a posh country OP?

Or more to the point, what's not.

I don’t see a problem personally.
If I’m introducing people and they have something in common or something interesting that the other person might be able to make conversation out of, that’s what I do.

It’s a social lubricant.
People can say “ooh which part of Ireland” or “I really love Portuguese croissants” so they have something to chat with you about.
It’s his family so presumably you can talk to them about HIM, but they need something on you and that’s all she really has at that point.
It’s the same as “this is Stacey, she’s a big Harry Potter fan” said to introduce someone at a party or “meet Steve! He works in deep sea diving too”
Just social lubricant to help the conversation along.

It’s because they find it fascinating and it’s a talking point

^this. Meeting people for the first time can be awkward so I’d assume she said it so they had an opener for a topic of conversation “so, how did you meet?......do you get home to visit family much?” That kind of thing.

she was probably protecting you and her son from her own relatives
yep, that's what I'd plump for if she hasn't got any prior

OP, I can see why you would find that a bit off. I was born here but have parents that are immigrants. Makes you feel like an outsider.

So YANBU

When I introduce someone I try to say something about them rather than just a name. I can imagine I could do that without it meaning anything.

Unless she specifies where everyone is from its a but weird and I would tell her to stop it myself.

You're over-thinking this. She was offering a starter for conversation.
And which countries are posh?????? Is France posh? Not if you're from the banlieues. Is Spain posh if you ignore Torremolinos?

Honestly OP, I really feel you are overthinking this.

My DN got together with his new gf 2 years ago - he had been with previous partner for several years - and my SIL immediately introduced new gf as, Hannah - not real name - from Latvia, very proudly. (SIL is very much a middle class type if you know what I mean.)

I genuinely feel she thinks DN has done particularly well for himself! 👍
(And if it helps, I would agree 😁)

My partner is from Hungary. I could imagine my parents introducing him to family as this is Mr Risotto and he is from Hungary. It would be with older members of our family who voted for Brexit and it would be a veiled hint of 'dont you dare start moaning about them bloody foreigners coming here stealing our jobs.....' do you think this is what she was doing?

I could be reaching here but do you have a hard to place accent? It could be someone has asked where you’re from as they couldn’t tell, so she’s trying to pre-face that question. Or maybe there are some rude people in the family/friends who would ask where you’re from and she wanted to stop it.

I think you may have a hangup about your background.

When I introduce people, I always include interesting details so that oeople have something to latch into to get the conversational ball rolling.

e.g. Leo, meet Peter. Peter runs a music studio and enjoys sailing. Leo is an art lecturer and enjoys climbing.

Peter and Leo now know enough about each other to have a good conversation and are ‘primed’ as to what type of person the other is.

I cant see anything wrong with your partner’s mother saying “Anthony, this is Yulia, Yulia is from Russia”

It does seem odd, as if it’s the only thing that’s interesting about you. I’m sure she wouldn’t have said this is Beth, she’s from Clayton!

It's not normal behaviour and although everyone is falling over themselves to tell you she was probably being polite, I think you know she wasn't. Xenophobic behaviour and no wonder you felt awful afterwards. They sound like tossers if you already have the feeling they would prefer if you were from here or another "posher" country. I couldn't put up with it. Life is too short and there's many non-Brexity people around you'd probably be happier to spend time with.

My (very lovely) MIL always introduces me as 101jobs from X.

I have never taken it as a negative. She thinks it’s interesting and a topic of conversation and I love how she embraces it

Your MIL probably feels the same

@PerfidiousAlbion

I think you may have a hangup about your background.

When I introduce people, I always include interesting details so that oeople have something to latch into to get the conversational ball rolling.

e.g. Leo, meet Peter. Peter runs a music studio and enjoys sailing. Leo is an art lecturer and enjoys climbing.

Peter and Leo now know enough about each other to have a good conversation and are ‘primed’ as to what type of person the other is.

I cant see anything wrong with your partner’s mother saying “Anthony, this is Yulia, Yulia is from Russia”

Anyone else remembering when this is covered in Bridget Jones?

OP you are not being reasonable. People who themselves are not well travelled and lived sheltered lives, like you partner’s mother by the sounds of it, see race, colour ahead of the person. Even in this day and age and in a multicultural society. They sometimes think it’s even quaint and friendly to get into the ethnicity/country of origin conversation thing ahead of trying to get to know anything about you as a person. It’s not malicious, just ignorance and a product of being a little backwards.

@LizzieMacQueen

What's a posh country OP?

Or more to the point, what's not.

Let’s not beat about the bush. We know exactly what OP means by posh country. Being from an English speaking new world country garners a different reaction. And we all know it.