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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help! Diplomacy needed

40 replies

Prettyvase · 08/08/2020 09:46

I have a wonderful friend who is intelligent and hard working, and one of my best friends. But one thing is niggling at me and has been for some time and is drawing us apart. She has noticed and I saw her last night and if anything it has made things worse.

Please only comment if you can relate and help as I know I should not feel this way and believe me I have been working on myself and telling myself off for ages now.

It is my problem and I need help with it. It is not her fault and I need to emphasise this because no matter what I love her dearly, she is a kind and thoughtful person.

My issue is this: I have recently got into doing a lot of research into health matters and related nutrition and fitness due to having a medical issue which I have, after 6-9 months managed to overcome. I now use hand weights, go running regularly, eat healthily and feel really happy and healthy, probably I am the fittest I have ever been after bringing up 5 children, I am 60 years old.

My lovely friend broke the chair last night at our friends' BBQ and we were all sympathetic no one said anything but inside I felt like saying please get a grip on your eating, you have put on over a stone during lock down and you are already pre diabetic and have hypotension.

But of course I said nothing but make sure she was ok.

We have been going for walks regularly but she is finding it harder and I don't know what to do to change my attitude to be more sympathetic?

Please can I reiterate this is MY problem to fix as I am finding myself increasingly getting irritated with her.

She has just sent me another recipe as we message each other several times a day.

I haven't responded.

OP posts:

Lockheart · 08/08/2020 09:48

There have been an awful lot of these "fat friend breaks chair" posts in the last few months... All very odd.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 08/08/2020 09:50

So you're annoyed and irritated with her because she's overweight?

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 08/08/2020 09:52

Send her a healthy recipe back?

randomsabreuse · 08/08/2020 09:52

@Lockheart

Garden chair are generally more flimsy and less well maintained than "proper" chairs, socialising is happening in gardens more than in houses thanks to rules - hardly surprising there are more broken chair incidents!

Original poster

Prettyvase · 08/08/2020 09:53

I am annoyed and irritated because she won't help herself! Yes. Not because she is overweight. She was overweight 10 years ago when I first met her and it didn't bother me and it doesn't bother me now.

My problem is ME

OP posts:

Quarantino · 08/08/2020 09:55

@Lockheart

There have been an awful lot of these "fat friend breaks chair" posts in the last few months... All very odd.

Yes, i was thinking the same. This is at least the 3rd one I've seen. I would not have a clue of any of my friends' weights before or after lockdown. I'm also fairly sure that if op knows the friend's medical conditions, then the friend is also aware.

dontdisturbmenow · 08/08/2020 09:57

You are an inspiration by example. Leave it to that. She can either look up to you and start asking for your support or she is not ready and therefore nothing you'll say or do can help.

As for you, you need to put into perspective that many people with love and care for do things that are not good for them and we crave to get them to stop, but ultimately it is their life and the one they choose. Loving her is accepting her how she is and being there for her no matter what.

LightDrizzle · 08/08/2020 10:01

You are doing that thing some people do of being unable to keep a lid on their Damascene conversion when it comes to other people.

It’s great that you are now fit and feeling better than ever, but if you mention it repeatedly and start side-eyeing anyone with 3 sausages on their plate then you will be as annoying as fuck. Just as annoying as that bloke you know who always bangs on about his golf/ cycling/ juicing whatever.

Your friend knows she is overweight. It’s up to her if, when and how she does something about it.

Original poster

Prettyvase · 08/08/2020 10:02

Thank you Don'tdisturb, but why won't people help themselves?????!

OP posts:

kissmysass · 08/08/2020 10:05

Because they clearly don't want to. Why is that so hard to understand?

Original poster

Prettyvase · 08/08/2020 10:06

Yes I am aware which is why I absolutely do not say anything at all re: fitness/ etc as I know what a bore it is to hear.

The latest bandwagon is veganism which is all very well and good and I do have a mostly plant/ pesca diet these days but the way people get so militant about it and shoving their ideas down your throat is not what I like not would I do.

I say nothing but quietly empathise when needed but underneath I am becoming less tolerant.

OP posts:

Iwouldlikesomecake · 08/08/2020 10:08

I do get it because you have ‘seen the light’ yourself and feel better and want everyone to feel the same.

People don’t help themselves for a number of reasons. Because it’s overwhelming to start, because exercise is hard or painful or makes them self conscious. Because eating is fun or the only way they know to get some comfort when things are hard. Because they can’t afford better quality food or don’t have time or energy to prep it.

I’m top end of normal BMI and nobody would call me ‘fat’ but bloody hell I’m unfit. I also have type 3 Ehlers Danlos syndrome and am shattered all the time and hurt myself a lot when I exercise. I do what I can. Outsiders may judge that I’m just lazy.

LemonTT · 08/08/2020 10:08

@Prettyvase

My problem is ME

I feel for you OP. It’s an unfortunate side effect for people who lose weight and get fit that they become boring and judgmental. The good news is that the vast majority of people find their existence unsustainable and revert to overeating and laziness. Indeed you will eat more and put on extra weight.

I think give it a few months and you will be breaking your own chairs.

InvincibleInvisibility · 08/08/2020 10:08

Why won't people help themselves? For multiple reasons that you will find on any thread about weight and obesity.

My mum lost loads of weight many years ago. All her colleagues and friends wanted to know her secret. When she said that she ate less and started going to the gym daily their faces fell. They wanted a solution with no effort.

My DB is very obese. For ages it bothered me (but we don't talk about it) cos Im worried about his health. I have had to step back and just accept its his life, his body, his decision.

orangejuicer · 08/08/2020 10:09

It's not always a case of not wanting to. You never know.the full circumstances and sometimes it's hard to get a grip on something if you have other things going on in your life.

I'd suggest you find something else to occupy your time OP and not obsess over your friend's health. She will know she has a problem.

Ellisandra · 08/08/2020 10:10

@Prettyvase

My problem is ME

Why are you saying her weight doesn’t bother you now, when it clearly does?

The reason is easy to explain - you basically have “ex smoker syndrome”. Aka holier than thou syndrome.

It sounds harsh - but it’s true, and very common. You’ve been successful with being healthy, so you think she should too.

I don’t know what magic answer you want?
Genuine concern for friend? Tell her.
Otherwise tell yourself to get over yourself.

Cam2020 · 08/08/2020 10:10

I suspect you already realise this, but it sounds like since becoming healthier, you've become a bit of an evangelist in the way that ex smokers really hate smoking etc.

Try to remind yourself of how you were before you became this, healthier you and that you need to be in the right head/emotional place to get a grip. For some people, lockdown has been the right time for people to tackle their issues, but for others it's exasperated them.

If you used to shared recipes previously, it's difficult for your friend to suddenly switch off just because you have. You're in different places right now - try to be kind.

Fatted · 08/08/2020 10:12

Does she moan and complain to you about her weight at all? Does she ever talk to you about it? Or do you just look at her and get annoyed with her? Is she genuinely happy with herself?

If she is obviously unhappy with her size and health, then I think you can be supportive of her making different choices. And I can understand why you might get annoyed.

If she is happy/OK/not bothered with her weight then leave her alone. She is not broken and doesn't need help or fixing. Stop thinking everyone has to live by your rules. I am fat. I am OK with being fat, I don't need people to help me not be fat because I'm OK with being fat.

FelicityPike · 08/08/2020 10:12

Simply put.....fuck all to do with you!

Queenfreak · 08/08/2020 10:13

I'm a size 20- so clearly very overweight.
I'm also autistic, and struggle with co-morbid anxiety and depression that often come with autism. Not a sympathy thing- these are just the facts.
When I'm in a good place mentally I eat far less, and much healthier, and therefore loose weight. Obviously the opposite happens.
I have had Frank discussions with both my GP and autism counselor- and both agree that my MH comes first (otherwise I struggle to function, and im married with small children, need to work etc).
Therefore I pretty much ignore my weight in bad times. In good times I try to put in place positive steps that make a difference. I now walk miles and miles, we have an exercise bike and I've gone tee total.
Maybe she is like me- she needs to prioritise other issues first?

Saracen · 08/08/2020 10:13

I don't know how you can change your attitude either. It is a tough one. If you can't manage it, your impatience and annoyance is going to show, and you won't be able to help her. If I were in her shoes there is absolutely no way I would ask for help or advice or support of any sort from someone I knew was impatient with me.

She knows you have made significant changes. When she feels ready to make similar changes, she may well ask for your help IF she perceives you to be sympathetic and patient and supportive. Which I don't think you can successfully fake, if you haven't somehow managed to change your attitude.

Perhaps the consolation you can take is that you have set an example of someone who was in unhealthy habits who managed to change for the better. There's a friend of mine who has had a similarly inspirational effect on me, though he doesn't know it. (Maybe I should tell him!) He used to be a champion couch potato, but in middle age decided he didn't want to face all the health problems that was going to cause when he got old, if not sooner. Now he runs frequent marathons. I watched him for many years, turning this over in my mind, before finally deciding if he could do it so could I. I rather doubt that process could have been hurried along. It could only happen when I was ready. So you probably ARE helping your friend already in that respect.

cptartapp · 08/08/2020 10:16

Hypotension is low blood pressure.
Do you mean high? Hypertension.
Educate yourself before you go making judgements.

Original poster

Prettyvase · 08/08/2020 10:16

Yes, your posts are helping me out thank you. I do feel I am becoming a bore ( to myself because as I said before I never mention nutrition or fitness to her unless it comes up in conversation then I am a bit too enthusiatic! I am definitely more judgemental than before, so I will work on that. I don't like how that side of me has reared its ugly head

OP posts:

Cam2020 · 08/08/2020 10:17

exacerbated sorry, my phone is having a field day with random commas and words

Original poster

Prettyvase · 08/08/2020 10:21

Yes high blood pressure, sorry hypertension.

Yes, mental health comes first and that is a good insight, thank you

OP posts:

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