Help! Diplomacy needed

[Prettyvase]

I have a wonderful friend who is intelligent and hard working, and one of my best friends. But one thing is niggling at me and has been for some time and is drawing us apart. She has noticed and I saw her last night and if anything it has made things worse.

Please only comment if you can relate and help as I know I should not feel this way and believe me I have been working on myself and telling myself off for ages now.

It is my problem and I need help with it. It is not her fault and I need to emphasise this because no matter what I love her dearly, she is a kind and thoughtful person.

My issue is this: I have recently got into doing a lot of research into health matters and related nutrition and fitness due to having a medical issue which I have, after 6-9 months managed to overcome. I now use hand weights, go running regularly, eat healthily and feel really happy and healthy, probably I am the fittest I have ever been after bringing up 5 children, I am 60 years old.

My lovely friend broke the chair last night at our friends' BBQ and we were all sympathetic no one said anything but inside I felt like saying please get a grip on your eating, you have put on over a stone during lock down and you are already pre diabetic and have hypotension.

But of course I said nothing but make sure she was ok.

We have been going for walks regularly but she is finding it harder and I don't know what to do to change my attitude to be more sympathetic?

Please can I reiterate this is MY problem to fix as I am finding myself increasingly getting irritated with her.

She has just sent me another recipe as we message each other several times a day.

I haven't responded.

@Prettyvase

Thank you Don'tdisturb, but why won't people help themselves?????!

Because some people are ok overall with being overweight.

Because some people have different priorities.

Because some people need to be in the right state of mind before being able to help themselves.

Because sometimes it's not that easy to completely change your eating habits.

OP, good for you for realising that this is your problem to fix (many don't in your situation).

I have similar issues with my mum - I came to fitness later in life and found it hard not to be judgmental/evangelical/nagging seeing her put on weight and never exercise. For the sake of our relationship I mostly managed to rein that in though, and recently of her own accord she has got a personal trainer and started eating better. Truth is she knew she needed to change but (understandably) didn't want to hear that from her daughter. Your friend likely feels the same.

As some PPs have said, the best you can do is lead by example, without boring on about exercise, and support her if SHE indicates she wants to make a change.

@Prettyvase

Thank you Don'tdisturb, but why won't people help themselves?????!

This comment is why you should absolutely not say anything to your friend as you have no idea about how hard it is.

My advice is educate yourself. Read about the psychology of weight loss and health. She's almost certainly not deliberately risking her health and is probably feeling absolutely mortified about the chair.
She might laugh it off or never mention it again but it'll only feed more and more into her insecurities if she's anything like me.

It's none of your biz.

You don't know how she is mentally either. And I'm sure lockdown has every ones mental state fraught. I've certainly been comfort eating, unapologetically.

It's not your place to help her eat better, it's not your place to be her doctor, it's not your place to judge.

Like my mum used to say: if you find yourself in a situation you can't change, walk away.

Perhaps you're no longer compatible friends.

You need to STOP. Just that, as the thoughts start coming, bat them away, think of something else, focus on her good points

Only you can do this. Please don’t become one of these over zealous, Heath is everything, bores like those who diet and count everyone’s calories, or bang on about how this is good for you, that isn’t. You may just find yourself losing loads of friends

Listen to her, does she want to change? If so then help her slowly, if not then don’t say anything. Everyone is different

It's really hard to see a friend behaving in a way you can see is detrimental to their health when you have worked so hard to alter your own lifestyle. It's very similar to healthy adults who look after themselves and are pretty scathing of obese people in general. It's a huge gap in understanding and I personally don't think it's bridgeable. I can't get my head around self destructive behaviour, but I know it's not them it's me.

You know you have to change your outlook but if you can't you have to accept the friendship has run its course and you are no longer like minded people.

@Prettyvase

Yes, your posts are helping me out thank you. I do feel I am becoming a bore ( to myself because as I said before I never mention nutrition or fitness to her unless it comes up in conversation then I am a bit too enthusiatic! I am definitely more judgemental than before, so I will work on that. I don't like how that side of me has reared its ugly head

The thing is, people who are boring and judgmental know they are boring and judgemental. No one needs to tell them that. It’s good you have the insight.

I think your friends need to be more understanding.

I've only realised in the last couple of weeks that my unhealthy eating is a negative coping mechanism for previous traumas. Before this I just thought I had no will power, was lazy etc etc. It's only with the help of a therapist I'm unpicking all of this. I hope with the support of the therapist I can find other ways to cope, improve my self esteem and self worth and look after myself better after decades of not prioritising any self care.

Fortunately I'm in the position I can pay privately for therapy. We all know how massively underfunded nhs mental health services are. Anyone who is overweight knows the answer is eat less move more but if it was that simple to actually stick to and achieve we wouldn't have an obesity crisis in this country. Many people need a lot more support than being given a meal plan to stick to. Some people are fortunate to find the mental strength and energy to do this without help but many can't. But the help isn't there.

You say you are the one with the problem (which is true), so why not sort yourself out before trying to sort out other people? I'm quite sure your friend knows she is overweight and what that is doing to her. I also imagine that she's as embarrassed as hell after breaking the chair. Don't give her any tips or advice until she asks for them, until she is ready there is nothing you can do or say that will"help".

I sympathise OP. Over the years there have been many times where I've thought people are making bad choices and tried to keep that opinion to myself (i.e. don't mention the choice, avoid it as a topic, be polite and say nothing when it comes up, try to regulate facial expression/body language so my discomfort doesn't show). Unfortunately I don't seem to be very good at it because I have got a lot of sarcastic pushback for my lack of supportiveness over the years (mostly from mum and sister).

I've come to the conclusion that they are angry at me for not genuinely agreeing with their position, or at least for not being able to convincingly fake it. The problem is that I'm already doing the best I can (e.g. actively not criticising), so all I can do is continue that. Its hard when that isn't enough for the other person, although it doesn't sound like your friend has challenged you on it tbf.

I'd just keep on as you are, and be mildly encouraging (in line with other people's comments) if she makes healthier choices (not TOO encouraging, that's worse), and non-committal about less healthy ones. Try not to dwell on her choices either, you'll just wind yourself up and possibly increase the risk of saying something upsetting.

At 60 years old you’ve not yet learnt how to be a kind human being and stop judging your friend for her own struggles. She’s probably well aware her weight will affect her health but you’re getting irritated because she won’t do something about it. Not everyone can be as remarkable as you now can they. I feel sorry for your friend. Not because of any weight or health issues, but because you’re so irritated by her despite her being “kind and thoughtful”.

You’ve let your interest and research into a healthy body cause your mind to become unhealthy and unkind.

You are actually probably also worrying that your friend thinks you are judging her. This will make you very conscious about what you say and can put a bit of a strain on a friendship. My thoughts are that you are overthinking it and by trying to ensure you don't say anything that could be interpreted as a 'dig' you are giving it too much head space and it has became a bigger issue than it should be. I know you want her to 'see the light' but you can't see it for her so really need to try and stop worrying about things you can't change.

Having a wee 🤣

Please ignore the above! iPhone disaster.

Your friend deserves kindness, not judgement. It’s great that you’ve found a healthier lifestyle but your experience isn’t universal - you aren’t the blueprint.