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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband said I'm not pulling my weight

64 replies

Hocuspocusandfairies · 07/08/2020 21:49

Had an argument with my husband as I was upstairs playing a word search game on iPad. The children are ready for bed so no issues. They're happy and will be going up shortly. My husband has been doing DIY today and has had some down time in between watching his programmes. I've cooked lunch, dinner, dressed kids, vacuumed and mopped all downstairs. Done washing drying and put clothes away. Also dealt with kids which is constant.

Is it normal to never stop or have any down time? I'm not lazy by any means but the way he said that suggested he thinks I am,

OP posts:
PasstheBucket89 · 07/08/2020 22:09

My dh does, this sometimes, i dont like the mentality and i just point out how selfish it is.

Original poster
Hocuspocusandfairies · 07/08/2020 22:11

No doubt he'll apologise. He usually does
but he shouldn't say it. It puts a divide between us. Feel disrespected and not valued.

OP posts:
tenstorey · 07/08/2020 22:13

@Hocuspocusandfairies

Ten storey, it's something he says if he's pissed off with me or about something
Don't feel guilty about having some down time. Ignore his passive aggressive behaviour you don't have to prove what you bring to a relationship or how you parent it should be apparent to any appreciative partner. And I wholeheartedly second what @Wearywithteens with teens says I did that and now he's my Ex.
imissthesouth · 07/08/2020 22:14

Ignore him. I hate when people assume just because you're sitting you're lazy. Often times it's the other way round

ZoeTurtle · 07/08/2020 22:14

Does he treat you like an employee instead of a partner in other ways?

billy1966 · 07/08/2020 22:15

@pointythings

You need to draw a line right now. Tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you have a right to the same amount of downtime as he gets, and that your children are both your responsibility, not just yours. He doesn't get to micromanage you like this. Firm but immovable, stand your ground. And if he keeps doing this, you know what to do.
How dare he OP.

You are making a very, very big mistake if you don't ask him "who EXACTLY does he think he is?".

Nip it in the bud. Twat.
Flowers

billy1966 · 07/08/2020 22:17

Oh and tell him that from now on you will point out every single time he sits down.

Do it. Every. Single. Time.

He won't be long wishing he had kept his rude mouth shut.

SeaToSki · 07/08/2020 22:18

Just tell him you were relaxing to get in the mood for a bit of intimacy tonight.... might change his mind on the matter. But seriously, you should deal with this as it sounds like its upsetting you, so talk to him about it.

Seracursoren · 07/08/2020 22:21

My friend's Dad was like this, his Mum didn't stop doing stuff all day, all housework, shopping, her volunteer job, then the gardening (it was a huge plot they lived on) prepared a family dinner every night and she would sit down for 10 minutes but be constantly looking out of the window for his car arriving because he would make a comment about sitting on her arse all day.

It is so disrespectful and completely untrue.

I think I would ask him why he has to point out when you are sitting down and ask him if he wants you to do the same to him, fair is fair after all.

Original poster
Hocuspocusandfairies · 07/08/2020 22:21

I'm going to go up to bed and read as can't bear being in the same room as him tonight. He has really upset me. I've done lots of decorating too such as paint all of upstairs and hall, stairs landing( not today obviously)

OP posts:
tempnamechange98765 · 07/08/2020 22:21

YANBU, he is. He gets his downtime, so should you.

LouiseTrees · 07/08/2020 22:24

@Hocuspocusandfairies

He's not lazy but neither am I. I don't like the assumption though that if I'm sitting down and he's busy then I'm lazy as when I cook dinner he sits down and watches tv
Tell him this
SevenOfNineTails · 07/08/2020 22:28

Tell him to fuck right off OP who the hell does he think he is ! Agree with pp every time he sits down for more than a second id mention it and tell him he’s not pulling his weight , see how he likes it the cheeky pig

Lumene · 07/08/2020 22:31

Does he ever look after the kids all day on his own? If not it’s hard to really understand what it’s like.

Original poster
Hocuspocusandfairies · 07/08/2020 22:35

Lumene, not really as I'm always around. He is 10 years older than me though, I don wonder if that's the reason sometimes

OP posts:
user1463178569 · 07/08/2020 22:35

@Wearywithteens

I’m sorry OP but you just need to be bolshy back and don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself.
I did just this the other day and DH has now not mentioned it again.

We are both shattered,due to working through lockdown and had annual leave at separate times. He tried to whine about me resting the other day whilst on annual leave and I told him, I'm having one day of doing this whilst you had at least three.
He has acknowledged we are both tired and not mentioned it again.

In the past, I would have been anxious about saying this, I'm not anymore as think my confidence in general has grown in these sort of situations.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 07/08/2020 22:45

My ex used to do this. If he was doing something then he really resented if he thought I was 'shirking' and 'taking it easy whilst he was busy'. We split after other problems and I think he immediately realised how much I did and wanted me back. He hadn't changed though and quickly stopped appreciating me. He seemed to resent having parental responsibilities. He was always doing me a favour and babysitting his own child.

He then had more children. Recently he has been pulled up on his attitude by his new partner's parents. It seems he is actually the one 'shirking' and 'taking it easy' and they are not happy.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 07/08/2020 22:53

My ex was like this! Really just saw me as a resource to get the absolute most out of.

It was fine for him to be sitting down relaxing when I was working, but if I was ever relaxing while he was doing something that was unbearable to him.

Cam77 · 07/08/2020 22:54

Next time you are working and he’s watching TV tell him to go and do something productive for the family. Do that two or three times and he’ll soon get the idea and keep his mouth shut in future on the odd occasion you have a sit down.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 07/08/2020 23:06

I think part of the reason why I ended up splitting from my ex was because I stood up for myself. I now live in a much smaller house but manage my own finances which are less but more stable.

I get a lot more down time as I'm child free 50% of the time and only take care of myself and my child. It makes it obvious how much I was doing and how exhausting it all was.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 07/08/2020 23:07

I did that @Cam77 but then got accused of nagging.

Original poster
Hocuspocusandfairies · 07/08/2020 23:10

Thanks everyone. Much appreciated. I'm going to sleep now and don't want anyone to think I'm ignoring them.

OP posts:
Hamm87 · 07/08/2020 23:19

Any one not notice he wouldn't of had down time if she was cooking he would be looking after the kids 🤷 so really he has not had any either sorry but you could have waited and put the kids to bed first with his help

GisAFag · 07/08/2020 23:19

It's hot.. He might just be fed up. Cut him some slack

slipperywhensparticus · 07/08/2020 23:40

Point out to him everytime he stops just wander past enjoying your down time are we? Gosh you must be tired today to be sitting down when there is still so much to do etc etc

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