I’m feeling very sorry for myself

[Wheneverwhereve]

NC for this, but I have posted before and have been on here a while.

I am feeling very sorry for myself after a glass of wine so please be kind. My DD has just turned a year old and is my first. I suffered with pretty bad PND when she was born which made the first 3/4 months difficult to bond before I got some help and started to get better. Since going back to work I regularly work quite long hours (Which has always been the way my career is) and so DH usually picks up from nursery and most likely baths and changes her for bed although I always make sure I spend time with her before bed which is a small window as she goes to sleep 6/6.30 and finishes nursery around 5.15. She is however up early in the morning (5ish) and I get up with her and start her day and because it’s so early we get a good hour or so of quality time as a family. I’m the strict one... the one who has to say no when she’s doing something dangerous or the one who removes danger (Aka fun), DH is the fun one who plays games and has fun and giggles with her.

What has become more and more obvious is her preference for him and disappointment when she’s with me. Don’t get me wrong she’ll come to me when she’s poorly or tired (or needs a seat!) but she’s genuinely disappointed if he leaves the room and I remain.

I’m feeling sorry for myself and resentful of DH, even though I know it’s not his fault. I’m also starting to worry this is irreversible.

Has anyone experienced this... does it get better?

Today was the final straw I let her out of her pushchair to walk but she wanted to push pushchair which meant she got upset because she wasn’t fast enough. DH shouted at me and she got into his arms and the pair of them walked ahead pointing out trees and birds etc. Whilst I pushed the pushchair behind them like a naughty school child. The only time I got a glance was when they realised I had her comforter in the pram!! The other thing is facebook... the number of my friends who spend endless time in parks, farms, zoos etc. with their DC whilst mine goes to nursery full time also adds to my guilt. I do things on weekends but it’s never the picture perfect family memories I see online (and I know that stuff isn’t always what it seems to be!).

As I say I’m feeling sorry for myself and know deep down I am in the wrong.

Hi OP
Dont worry, I've found their preferences chop.and change! Can you spend some time just the 2 of you at the weekend? Family time is great but some.time.bonding with just you will really help.

My DS is almost 2 and my DH had a period of insane working hours. DS just wouldnt be around him alone. We had a week off and persevered and its much better now.

The key is to not take it personally.

@OhToBeASeahorse thank you for the kind message- I am taking her to farm tomorrow just her and I so I am hoping that will help. I try and do my work on a weekend during her naps but during the week I work with a lot of overseas colleagues so I’m often on calls! I also cannot wait for things to start to open again as we usually did swimming and a baby class on the weekend which was our little bit of time together.

My DD is only 6mths old but when she was born we had a tough time of it and she spent a bit more time with DH than me due to me being in ITU. For those first few weeks where I struggled with BF, pumping and topping up with formula, she absolutely preferred him and it was soul destroying. She would spend all day grumpy and as soon as daddy got in she'd be all smiles. She then suddenly seemed to switch one day and cried whenever he held her or even talked to her. She then switched again to the point where she ignored me when I spoke to her and only wanted me when she was hungry...and now she's clinging to me again. I have no advice but you're not alone!

You can't have everything unfortunately. Can't have a career with long hours and be the primary carer for your daughter. we all make a choice.

No experience as the parent as my DD is only 6 weeks old, but as a massive daddy's girl (as a child and still at 26!) it's not a bad thing that she is obsessed (or so it seems!) with your husband. As a daughter our fathers are usually the people we look up too as far as the type of guy we will spend the rest of our lives with. If she has a good relationship with him and he treats her like a princess, chances are she'll settle for no less when she comes of dating age. And we tend to learn from our mums how to be a mother and house keeper (old fashioned I know but generally true) and as a kid, that's not fun! 😂 while I'm a self confessed daddy's girl, mum mum and me have an amazing relationship and have done for many years.
I'm sorry your struggling with the situation and I hope it gets better for you soon but try not to take it personally.
Perhaps try and be the fun one more? Like other people have said, have some 1-1 time, do silly stuff! 😁

OP, I feel your pain.

It's happened to me twice over. As Mum and as Granny.
Play the long game. It works fine in the end.

Please don't worry about her current preference for your DH. Children often go through phases of preferring one parent over the other. It usually means nothing and doesn't have anything to do with how close your bond is.

(And maybe talk to your DH about how he interacts with you and with your child. It sounds as though he likes to be the Fun Dad and leave you with the drudgery.)

As for Facebook, people tend to post the version of themselves they would like the world to see, which probably doesn't correspond to 24/7 reality. Children don't need to have endless outings. It's a very modern concept. It sounds to me as though you've found an excellent balance.

Why the fuck is your DH shouting at you? That is totally unacceptable

My DD was a massive Daddy's girl when she was little. It was nothing to do with me not being primary carer as the poster above suggests because I was a SAHM (at the time) while DH was working full time. I was a bit hurt about it but I tried hard to be pleased that they had such a lovely bond. Now she's 12yo and we are super close

Don't feel guilty and go easy on yourself OP. I worked after my children and they preferred my partner to me simply as they spend more time. It's just how kids work unfortunately. She still loves you endlessly. Definitely spend some time just the 2 of you on a weekend etc, even an hour in the park is great for bonding

Small children's affections switch back and forth several times. My DD went through this Daddy phase around the same age. It's hurtful though, even knowing that's the case and that your child loves you.

Agree re social media pics. My sister posts beautifully styled photos of her kids on days out etc and it looks lovely but I know she spends all her time either looking at other photos on facebook, shouting at her kids or on the phone to our mother crying about what a nightmare the kids are.

My DS favoured DH for the first six years. I felt crap. Also worked full time from when he was 5 months. I felt like shit. Utter shit.
This changed, inexplicably and for the last two years, he has favoured me. Clings and seeks me out over his Dad.... I think I am probably the softer touch now he is getting older, where it was the reverse before.

They do chop and change. It is a bit painful at times, especially when you seem to be surrounded by total zen mothers, who seem to float like angels on the wings of their special bond, and who also gave time to bake, have constant nature walks, build dens, finger fucking paint and other endless parent/child bonding activities...

Your child loves you. It's easy to feel defeated, but this will pass.

Kids chop and change all the time, don't feel sad. My youngest thinks daddy is gods gift since he's been home all the time, mainly because he throws her about like her own personal roller coaster and sneaks her treats. This is despite me being the one who spends all day playing with her doing activities, taking her the park, all her baby groups - he finishes work and she can't get away from me fast enough. Kids are fickle and she will come back to you.

Your DH shouldn't be shouting at you though and certainly not in front of her, that's not helpful.

OP, I have 3 grown up kids and honestly, the popularity between you and your DH will go up and down like a Nun's knickers all throughout your DC's childhood.

Try not to take it personally and when your DH is 'out of favour', tell him the same thing.

As for FB, people only show you what they want you to see but then again you know that

I had a breakdown on my second DDs first birthday. Realised how shit I'd been for the whole year. I was really poorly when she was born then mentally struggled.

I feel for you OP because it was horrible and I was so very close to the edge, but I did come back. Medication, counselling, time off work. Still not sorted all the physical issues but getting there.

Look after yourself.

Yabu. It's mum guilt taking over.

You could see this as a positive in terms of her attachment to you. She feels so secure that you'll be there when she needs you to comfort her and at her most vulnerable (poorly, tired, etc) that she doesn't feel the need to cling to you the rest of the time. It's just testament to how good a job you did at fostering that attachment when she was small.

FWIW DS is exactly the same with DH at the moment and has been since he started nursery around 8 months and I went back to work full time. He's almost 19 months now and still shows a preference for DH, but it's me he comes running to when he's fallen or hurt himself or whatever. It all balances out eventually 🤷🏼‍♀️

Try to enjoy what time you do have with your DD for what it is, they're only young once

I was primary carer for DD who much preferred DH and used to scream and howl when he left for work. I was gutted at the time but we all laugh about it now (DD is 18)
They all go through preference changes as they grow. My three all did and now have a great relationship with both parents.
This isn’t a primary carer issue OP please don’t be hard on yourself. You sound like a great mum

Wow @a12345b harsh I absolutely believe I can work full time and be a primary carer... it took ages, over 10 years, to build my career and it helps pay for her swimming, nursery etc. And gives her The opportunity to have the life I never had.

@TheAquaticDuchess tbh he doesn’t normally shout at me but she is a little miss independent and since she’s learnt to walk it is tricky walking/going anywhere with her as she wants to push the pram rather than be pushed in it and I think tonight he just lost his temper albeit wrongly! My friends actually comment how great he is as he changes nappies etc which to me is just actual parent duties so isn’t something to be praised for!!

Thank you for the comments I’ve received I feel a little better and feel like I’m not alone!

To be fair, I agree with @a12345b. Working the hours you do, you can't be the primary caregiver. My partner works full time, I'm on maternity leave with DD2 (and DD1 is at home, too)- it would be a lie to say he is the primary caregiver. Like you, he does as much as he can when he's here, but he can't be at two places at once. That isn't a criticism, though. It's because of his hard work we can afford to do nice things with the girls. It's just as important of role as mine is. Yes, I might be home more and do the bulk of the childcare, but we wouldn't be able to do any of the trips, get them toys etc without him.

I feel like you getting irritated by that comment is based on an insecurity because you do what to be the primary caregiver? So perhaps it's time to revaluate your career/home balance and see where you'd be genuinely happier. I'm not suggesting you give up your job and become a stay at home mum, but if you aren't happy with the balance, only you can tweak it to where you are happier with it. I hate this mentality nowadays where a woman either has to be a career woman or a SAHM. You can be both. You can take a step back in work for a few years to focus more on kids. You can also up your working commitments and spend less time at home. Nothing should be fixed just because it was that way before kids.

Ultimately, you can't be and have both. Even if you could tweak your hours so you could be at home more for her awake time, you'd have a breakdown due to sheer exhaustion! If you aren't looking after your kids, someone else is. If you work a commanding career hours wise, it's impossible to be with your kids loads, too.

I think you should talk to your partner about your feelings and think about what you truly want. Then take steps to make it happen. If you don't do anything and don't open up, you'll only become more upset at the situation.

My DS went through what felt like a long stage of hating his dad when he was little. Luckily, DH (who worked very PT and was a really involved dad) didn't take offence and the pendulum eventually swung back in his favour. They are the best of friends now - if anything, I occasionally feel left out, but I hugely enjoy the associated peace

100% believe you can be primary carer of your child and work full time and entirely disagree with anyone who says otherwise. Plenty of mums do it (me included!). Quality of time and making sure they know they are loved, safe, have good opportunities etc is far more important than being there for their every waking hour. I have 3 and as others have said they change their preference between mum/dad a lot! Try not to stress over it (easier said than done I know) and just make the most of all the time you have with her, she sounds like a lucky thing with a lovely life. Don’t let the mum guilt get to you op!

We call it ‘Magic Dad’ - I felt really rubbish with our first as he was like this:

Cried when dad left for work, massive smiles when dad gets home etc. Definitely the preferred parent.

However is does get better and with the second I’m at the point where I’m glad so I can fuck off and have a bit if peace.