I’m feeling very sorry for myself

[Wheneverwhereve]

NC for this, but I have posted before and have been on here a while.

I am feeling very sorry for myself after a glass of wine so please be kind. My DD has just turned a year old and is my first. I suffered with pretty bad PND when she was born which made the first 3/4 months difficult to bond before I got some help and started to get better. Since going back to work I regularly work quite long hours (Which has always been the way my career is) and so DH usually picks up from nursery and most likely baths and changes her for bed although I always make sure I spend time with her before bed which is a small window as she goes to sleep 6/6.30 and finishes nursery around 5.15. She is however up early in the morning (5ish) and I get up with her and start her day and because it’s so early we get a good hour or so of quality time as a family. I’m the strict one... the one who has to say no when she’s doing something dangerous or the one who removes danger (Aka fun), DH is the fun one who plays games and has fun and giggles with her.

What has become more and more obvious is her preference for him and disappointment when she’s with me. Don’t get me wrong she’ll come to me when she’s poorly or tired (or needs a seat!) but she’s genuinely disappointed if he leaves the room and I remain.

I’m feeling sorry for myself and resentful of DH, even though I know it’s not his fault. I’m also starting to worry this is irreversible.

Has anyone experienced this... does it get better?

Today was the final straw I let her out of her pushchair to walk but she wanted to push pushchair which meant she got upset because she wasn’t fast enough. DH shouted at me and she got into his arms and the pair of them walked ahead pointing out trees and birds etc. Whilst I pushed the pushchair behind them like a naughty school child. The only time I got a glance was when they realised I had her comforter in the pram!! The other thing is facebook... the number of my friends who spend endless time in parks, farms, zoos etc. with their DC whilst mine goes to nursery full time also adds to my guilt. I do things on weekends but it’s never the picture perfect family memories I see online (and I know that stuff isn’t always what it seems to be!).

As I say I’m feeling sorry for myself and know deep down I am in the wrong.

Oh OP

I have two boys, aged 6 and 3, and they are both total mummy’s boys.

My husband works full time and I work part time and due to the nature of our jobs and work patterns I spend a lot more time with the children than my DH does. He’s home by 5pm every night so he has a good few hours with them, and the weekends of course, but I obviously spend a lot more time with them than he does overall.

I think he does find it hard that the boys obviously have a preference for me but he knows that children can be fickle...I’m the one that does the walk to and fro schools, Im the one who goes to the school assemblies, I’m the one who spends hours and hours playing with them every day etc and so they do see me differently. I’ve been their main carer since they were born so by default they always come to me and want me over my DH.

When I returned to work after my first son I went back to full time hours and i found it hard being away from him so much and when I had our second child I knew I wanted to be around as much as I could whilst they were young which is why I reduced my hours.

I was fortunate that between children 1 and 2 my DH had had a small promotion which meant his increase in wage off-set the drop of my wages when I dropped to part-time hours.

My husband tries to spend as much one to one time with the children as he can - he even takes them abroad three times a year without me, and he loves it because it means he gets that prolonged period of time with them where he gets to be the primary career. At the moment he’s not in work and so the three of them go out for 3-4 hours each day just to have some quality time together.

Is there any chance at all you could reduce your hours?

Being a full time working mom is obviously fine if the woman is happy - but you don’t sound happy

Life is so short and you are obviously really upset about this and it’s sad to read

I really hope you have a lovely day tomorrow

The messages I received last night were really helpful, they made me see that I’m not alone, that children are fickle and actually it is reasonable she prefers her dad as he does do more of the routine stuff.

I will always work full time as that’s who I am and in my career part time is difficult and taking a couple of years out is difficult. I think I need to think logically, try not to let mum guilt get to me and as someone said make the time I have count.

“It is a bit painful at times, especially when you seem to be surrounded by total zen mothers, who seem to float like angels on the wings of their special bond, and who also gave time to bake, have constant nature walks, build dens, finger fucking paint and other endless parent/child bonding activities“

This made me laugh out loud! I am meeting one such mother today when I go to farm. She is an amazing mum and I genuinely don’t resent her but my goodness if I am having mum guilt I avoid her fb profile!

How can u be the primary carer if you don't spend the most time with the child? By definition, primary carer is the one that does most of the care! Not against working parents, but we have to recognize that you can't do it all.

I'd agree with it being normal for children to change their preference.

But how strict are you being with her, seeing as she is so little and why aren't you having the fun that your DH is having? Is she being injured etc in his care? Are you expecting too much from what is still a baby? She should be continually exploring her world and learning cause and effect.

From your op you spend maybe 2hrs or less a day with your child Mon - Fri. How can you possibly be the primary care giver? Thats not a dig, men do it all of the time but dont get defensive when people point it out.

If your happy with it fine but if your not maybe try and drop some hours. Honestly they grow up so fast you may regret not being around more. I blinked and my son was 15.

I agree with @a12345b you cant have it all.

FYI I'm not a sham but did go from ft work to 3 days a week because I barely saw my kids. That was my choice. Do what's best for you.

All kids do this xx

Totally normal. They change their ‘favourie’ all the time. Mum dad aunt uncle gran... she’s too little for it to be personal!! As she gets older things will change. Don’t worry. 💐

Sorry but I have to agree with pp that you can't be the primary carer if you are not the one providing most care.

There isn't anything wrong with that, you and your DH have simply switched the traditional roles somewhat.

Having a career that requires lots of dedication (eg working around your DC naps on a werkend) is different to having a full time job where you work set hours and then focus on your home and family outside those hours. Neither is right or wrong, just different and will mean different dynamics.

"Wow @a12345b harsh I absolutely believe I can work full time and be a primary carer... it took ages, over 10 years, to build my career and it helps pay for her swimming, nursery etc. And gives her The opportunity to have the life I never had."

Careful OP or your going to have that thrown back in your face in years to come. Be honest about your career coming first. Men have been doing that for years. It's all very well having endless clubs to go to as a child but children want your attention and time over all that stuff. If that happens to be your DH that is able to give that then fine.

And gives her The opportunity to have the life I never had."

I think a lot of us base our choices on our own upbringings.

My mom worked full time, I hardly have any memories of her but I do have lots of memories of the fun I had with my childminder.

That’s not what I wanted for my children which is why I reduced my hours.

Isn’t the full time caregiver the person who spends most of the time caring for the child?

I’ve been a full time working mother, part time working mother and a sah mother. I made the decisions at the time based on my circumstances.

Thanks for the feedback everyone - we all have different viewpoints and all of them valid, it’s a very complex and emotive issue! I’m now just slightly worried by the above that her nursery workers are her primary carers and she might soon call them mum and dad!!

It’s a phase. My elder dd did this at this age my sisters eldest did too. I was a SAHM at the time! It passes but remember feeling quite upset at the time

Social media does NOT equal reality. It’s a load of guff #makingmemories indeed. Unsubscribe from the most gloating ones or just delete the damn app which I did with instagram when it was making me furious in lockdown.

Working fulltime is ok. You won’t break your child or damage the bond for life. It’s just a phase, it’s just a phase (repeats forever) ....

@Wheneverwhereve I've seen my sister and her husband driven demented by preferences switching - one month their two kids hero-worship my sister, a few weeks later and it's all eyes on daddy!

Also, I read that young kids are usually underwhelmed by their mothers, and don't get excited by their presence, because they actually always expect and assume the mother will be around somewhere. It's actually the sign of a strong bond. Seeing daddy is more exciting because it's not "taken for granted", so to speak, the way a mother is.

honestly preferences obviously do change so it's really not an issue right now.

but obviously working parents are unlikely to be sole primary care givers...in a couple where both work it's usually split between the two parents and the nursery workers/nanny/grandparents. The reality is that most of the care given to little kids who are going to the nursery full time is going to be from their nursery workers....we cant pretend it's not like that. But that's life and kids will be ok.

Most working parents feel guilty and it would be great if everyone could not only WFH but also have three days week. That's not our reality. For most people, everyday life is juggle, juggle, juggle...guilt, guilt guilt

(And maybe talk to your DH about how he interacts with you and with your child. It sounds as though he likes to be the Fun Dad and leave you with the drudgery.)

This ^^