Has life slipped through your fingers? Or do you really 'live life to the full'?

[blinkandumissit]

Over the last week or so, I have this slightly morose feeling about how much of my life has gone by so fast.

I'm 35, it just doesn't seem like a decade and a half has passed since I was 20, with all the time in the world to experience the world and work on my goals.

The rather trite phrase about 'living life to the full' keeps popping into my head. What does that even mean, really? I don't think I've managed to do that. I have several chronic illnesses and at one point had quite severe depression and anxiety...all I've done is bloody survive!

Much happier now in my 30's but have nothing to show for my 20's. They slipped away. I just can't quite understand how fast the time went.

Can anyone relate to a feeling of life slipping through your fingers like this?

Or if you are a 'live life to the full' type, can you explain how you do it?

I've just turned 51and the realisation that I have more life behind me than ahead of me has been very sobering. I do very much feel like life is slipping through my fingers and I don't know what to do about it.

I know what you mean. Though for me it’s more that I sometimes feel sadness for the options which are no longer open to me. I’m fairly set on a limited number of paths through life now, and whilst I’m happy with where I am I can’t help but sometimes think about what else I could have done. Lockdown is intensifying these kind of inward thoughts too.

@ClementineWoolysocks

I've just turned 51and the realisation that I have more life behind me than ahead of me has been very sobering. I do very much feel like life is slipping through my fingers and I don't know what to do about it.

Look at it a different way. When you hit 50 you'd been an adult for 32 years. Another 32 and you'll be 82 which is a reasonable age these days. So you're only halfway there.

Have i bungee jumped? Swum with dolphins? Climbed Everest?

Hell no.

Am I content with the life I'm leading? Yes.

I'm the long-term, contentment surpasses all.

Sorry, in the long-term

I’ve learnt to reframe how I see things. It sounds twee but I now appreciate the little things. Mindful breathing and Thich Nhat Hanhs teachings have made me stop regretting the past and worrying about the future too much. Just focus on the present. It’s a much more contented way to live.

I feel like I wish I'd had a bit more time before difficult things began happening to me and I had to grapple with coming to terms with serious health problems. Mine and my mum's.

My mum died when I was 25. I know it is the natural order for parents to go before their kids, but...I was a lost, ill soul for all my twenties. Trying to make sense of it all, trying to find a new way to be alive myself when bereaved and sick.

I feel like I've missed out? But can't pinpoint exactly what! It's childish but my gut reaction is to say, it's not fair!

It doesn't matter how much "stuff" you've ticked off or crammed in - there's no award ceremony or assessment at the end of your life. Without wishing to sound harsh, ultimately nobody but you cares how you spend your life and once you're gone it will be forgotten about regardless of the length of your completed goals/bucket list.

So if how you're spending each day in your quest to tick off lots of stuff isn't fulfilling to you, what is the point of doing that? You won't be there to look back and bask in it once you're dead so the present needs to be good.

To me, "living life to the full" isn't about how much junk you cram into it, but whether your days are lived in a way that brings you peace, fulfilment, achievement and meaning. Actually being able to live in the moment rather than always deferring your "happiness" off into the future with endless goals that are focused on "when I do/achieve xyz, I will [finally] feel happy..." . It rarely works.

Better to feel happy today because eating lunch in the sunshine made you feel contented, or decluttering the living room gave you a sense of achievement or whatever.

Otherwise you end up miserable because you and happiness/fulfilment are never in the same space together if it's something you only associate with ticking off big future goals.

@user1294625849274 that is such a helpful way of looking at it. Thank you.

Good grief, your mum dying when you were only 25 is not fair! That's so very young to lose your mum. You're allowed to say it's not fair! You're allowed to feel lost as a result, it's a normal reaction. I'm really sorry.

Maybe some of your feelings are grieving for your mum and for the life you could have had / hoped to have before all these crappy things were thrown your way? Serious health issues tend to come with loss and grieving too.

You are allowed to grieve and feel however you feel about those things without trying to push them away with a positive spin or "other people have it worse" line.

Allowing yourself to feel those things might be what you need to do to process them and start shaping a life that feels worthwhile to you in the present? Until you do that it's almost like you're invalidating your own hurt and struggles? I don't imagine that helps how you feel.

Perfect response @user1294625849274

If you aren’t happy then make a change.

What a lovely post from @user1294625849274

Sometimes I do feel it's passing me by in the fact that I'm not confident, don't go out there and attract loads of friends and men. I've never felt more alone as now.

But before all this covid thing I think I did lead a full life with my daughter. Which is what I want with her. I focused on fun with her which is what I wanted. We went loads of places (day trips I mean, nothing extravagant at all but just doing stuff here and there) . We were busy and active. And I look back during this time and think I am glad I did all those things.
Now I just think covid has ruined it all with the whole mask thing and determination in her behaviour and working from home etc etc

user1294625849274 put it far better than I could have. I'm in my late 40s and have a dead end job. I am more conscious of the passing of time than I used to, but I am happily married, financially stable, lovely DCs etc. I think I'm where I always wanted to be and I really enjoy the here and now. If I was to die tomorrow, I wouldn't regret the things I haven't done.

I’m sad at times that much of must life had been very difficult and winder what it would be like to have had a carefree and happy childhood. I winder if I had supportive parents what my own journey as a parent would have been like, if it had been different.
I often too feel that life isn’t always fair but I’m determined not to dwell on it and hope to make the best future I can
My SIL has had a few hard time’s and still goes on about having a crap life. She’s never worked or enjoyed her own kids as she’s fixated on how things ‘should’ have been.
I suppose what I’m saying is that there as many opportunities ahead of you as behind you and you can absolutely strive for whatever it is you want

Life didn't slip...it nose-dived and the pilot of this life vessel has long since abandoned the technical skills, or emotional will-power to reclaim control of the voyage. In the last 10 years, my marriage has failed as my utter pig of an ex has been financially abusive, a sex addict with a need to control and emotionally abuse everyone. My beloved father died and he was the only person in my family who was decent. I inherited the 'management' duties for an elderly mother with a personality disorder (a mix of narcissism and borderline) who went on to have cancer treatment a few times (so I had to nurse her through that while she bitterly loathed me for it as I can do nothing right, ever). My eldest child was having seizures from a few months old, and once that stopped years later then he was diagnosed with the same genetic condition as myself (Ehlers Danlos). My youngest child nearly died of neonatal sepsis, and I had a difficult pregnancy including blood clots. She has dyspraxia, auditory processing disorder and probable aspergers. I have been diagnosed with several genetic conditions this decade including Ehlers-Danlos, and my feet have severe neuropathy due to Freiberg disease, Mortons neuroma and claw toes. Currently sporting 15 microfractures in my toes and on a high dose of morphine, as well as other tablets for metabolic issues. Consultant thinks i am untreatable as surgery would be dangerous. I have had 6 surgeries for injuries in 10 years, as well as a c-section and countless medical procedures.

I work at the family business in a bone crippling physical role, because no one else wants to do it. I also work in my professional job, on top of home schooling two children who are medically unfit for school (they were injured a lot...countless hospital admissions). I have no life whatsoever...all hobbies gone as no time, no time for training or night-clases, no childcare as kids 100% with me, no time for going out...all friends have long abandoned ship and my mother has alienated all members of our dysfunctional family so no-one visits. I have had two terrible boyfriends during the 10 years who undoubtedly picked me as they spotted chaos and thought they could take advantage financially. The last one stole from me while I was having a tumour removed last year. He took my keys out of my bag and took a valuable item from my workshop. I hold out no hope whatsoever that I will ever be in a relationship again, and could never trust anyone again. My neighbours are riddled with hate and name call over the back fence like cowards. The disability hate is breath-taking. They are extraordinarily aggressive and abusive on both sides, and across the road.

I wake up every morning dreading the day, and go to bed dreading the next day. I have gone from a fit active, happy, confident professional woman to an angry mess that blows her top with frustration too many times to count, and can barely walk at all as the pain is terrible. I went for therapy...the counsellor concluded there was no mental health issues, and I just had a particularly awful life that no one human being should have to withstand.

I greatly admire anyone who has a nice life, and hope they hold onto it with dear life. If your bottle is more than half full, keep it that way!

I definitely don't feel that life is slipping through my fingers. I have a ton of sympathy for you because I also lost my mum very young (I was 20) and was devastated. However I think it made me feel life is short and that I wanted to live it to the full. 20s were still tough, a lot of work and not a lot of money, but it paid off in my 30s. I'm living in my third country in 5 years, I've had an interesting career, made enough money to be comfortable, travelled, got married, now on a new chapter with 3 small kids in a new city... But for sure it is a life less ordinary, which is what I personally wanted.

I do think you have to figure out what it is you want, first, and then go after it. Take some risks. Shake things up. Forget what other people do and go for what you want to do. I'd rather try something and fail than regret not having tried.

Yes, I could have done a lot more and been a lot more but I don't give it headspace. I am incredibly grateful for my fairly simple but charmed life.

I work with people whose lives have dramatically changed through no fault of their own (i.e. illness and disease). It's sad but I help them to turn things around and that's a really sobering experience. I stop and notice the little things now like a bee or butterfly on a flower, a blue sky, a walk on the beach, a hug with DH, a nice cup of tea, etc.

It sounds twee but try to notice the little things. You are very young and still have time for the bigger things. Get on with things you want to do. None of us know how long we have.

We are trying our best but I'm struggling with smug friends who are not working at the moment and talking about 'making memories'. I ducking hate that phrase.... we are both working FR WFH and have done since the beginning and our amazing 9 year old has had to do a lot on his own but this is a rough lesson on employment for
Kids ☹️

I'm 50 and my life up until around 40 was very difficult and had repeated trauma. I realised that I've never had any fun in my life. My life is a disappointment to me and I've never done the things I wanted to do. I try to remain positive and make the best of things. I'm not well enough to try anything nice now.

Allowing yourself to feel those things might be what you need to do to process them and start shaping a life that feels worthwhile to you in the present? Until you do that it's almost like you're invalidating your own hurt and struggles? I don't imagine that helps how you feel.

Yes sorry, I have shaped a life now that is very meaningful to me. It's a good life. Not saying it's perfect! My illnesses mean I don't have much energy and can be in quite a bit of pain, but I muddle along happily enough. Apart from days I just get sick of being sick and think, yeah that's absolutely a normal reaction, you're only human for wanting to feel well.

I do allow myself to feel feelings. I'm conscious of my grief for my mum for example. It's gone through lots of different shapes and waves and intensities, and I expect it will for the rest of my life, and that's ok.

I think you hit the nail on the head though when you suggest that I am also grieving for the life I hoped to have for myself, before things went wrong. That includes my mum dying but - at the risk of sounding selfish - it isn't just about that?

I was told I would probably lose mobility and ability to walk by age 25 for example. I didn't, am very lucky for now and muddle along. Things have sadly got worse but I'm older and more able to cope now, and who knows what will happen. But that stress and misery of being sick myself at that time is different to the grief of losing my mum...but it still feels like grief?

The thing is I'm not sure why it's hitting me now!

In a way I feel like I didn't really live through my twenties. I just survived, but nearly didn't. It's very strange but it's like those years didn't really happen - it was me going through shit but not living and now I am sad I missed them maybe? Even though I didn't because I was there, in deep pain for much of them

I can tell you exactly how I did it. I read a book recommended on mn. How to do everything and be happy by peter jones.

Cross posted with some of you, going back to read posts.

@scoobydoo1971
That sounds extremely tough, and your therapist is right: no one human being should have to endure all that! Could you investigate some sort of carers relief that will give you a break ever so often? (I'm sure some one more knowledgeable than I am will come along).
I think you sound remarkably open, and I admire your spirit.

It’s not what your lot is, but how you deal with it.
Life is too short to deal with people who extinguish your own spark. There is a weariness in dealing with children with disabilities, but you learn ways to manage your happiness and theirs, and when to step off the treadmills of advocacy and take a break. It’s always going to be hard, but you can make it easier with very rare exceptions.
I’m lucky in that the shit stuff didn’t happen until I had ticked a lot of boxes in my mid-twenties, so the struggles with fulfilment were a (twenty year) pause.
It’s really easy to get bogged down and assume a negative mindset. Only human. But however awful your life is, you don’t need a counsellor who is so shit at their job they just agree with you. My friend with borderline (also alcoholic) claims that is what she was told by her therapist. It’s what she heard, but it isn’t what the therapist said.
No one can change your life but you.
I’m 49 and getting my life well back on track after some bumps
I think the pandemic is making lots of us look at whether we are reaching our potential.