Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lack of help

38 replies

Cerh111 · 07/08/2020 17:55

Hiya all. I have two children. My eldest is 4 and has epilepsy and behaviour issues. My youngest is 1 and was premature and has been left with breathing issues. Myself and my husband are finding things really hard. We never get any time alone. My mother in law will have my eldest for a few hours here and there. My mum tries to have my eldest but ends up calling within an hour or so saying she cannot cope. My dad has my sisters 3 children all the time. He has them for weeks on end none stop but has never ever had any of my children. My husbands dad has never been around. We get very little help and support and its starting to take its toll. I am not asking for baby sitters every day or week but once a month would be a great help. Am I expecting to much?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2020 17:58

Do you ask him and he says no or are you wanting him to volunteer?

I wonder if he might be concerned about the health issues.

Flowers it sounds like things are tough for you.

CastleCrasher · 07/08/2020 17:59

Sorry, but yes, yabu to expect family to help with your DC. It's great when they do, but they're under no obligation to do it, especially if, as you say, they find it difficult. (I say this as parent of 2dc who have literally never been looked after by family)

Sirzy · 07/08/2020 18:02

Are you entitled to any sort of respite care?

As hard as it is unfortunately you can’t expect family to help. It’s great when they can!

Original poster
Cerh111 · 07/08/2020 18:03

Yes I ask and he says he is to busy with my sisters children. All the parents have the other grandkids but never mine. The others get to go on holidays and nights out. I don't want that I am just asking for a good nights sleep. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Cerh111 · 07/08/2020 18:04

I have never expected but when they have the other kids so they can pee off on holiday and they wont even watch mine while I sleep or work its a piss take.

OP posts:
Drumple · 07/08/2020 18:05

That’s so tough for you 💐

Sadly help isn’t obligatory and I would understand why if the grandparents aren’t familiar with your kids needs it would worry them.

PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2020 18:05

How close are you to your sister? Do you think she might be receptive to dropping some time so you can also get a break?

SayakaMurata · 07/08/2020 18:06

Are your DC very difficult to manage behaviour wise? I wouldn't want to look after badly behaved children on a regular basis, it's exhausting!

I'm afraid YABU to expect help as a right. Your parents don't have to look after your DC.

Original poster
Cerh111 · 07/08/2020 18:06

Never looked into it. My eldest starts school this year so maybe that will take some pressure off x

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 07/08/2020 18:08

@Cerh111

Sounds really tough and in my opinion unfair.

Could you speak to your sister? Maybe she hasn’t realised what is happening.

What does she do when your dad has all her children? Could she take your 2 when your dad has hers as she may be more able to cope?

Original poster
Cerh111 · 07/08/2020 18:09

I have had my sisters children a lot throughout the years I even moved in to help her. Since having my own children she has never helped x

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2020 18:10

Have you been really honest with her:your dad about how much you’re struggling? Flowers

june2007 · 07/08/2020 18:12

TBH a lot of people don,t get time alone. I didn,t have family on hand. (None live near by.)i sometimes had friends or a paid baby sitter. ny friends who could baby sit occasionally?.

Splinkyplonk · 07/08/2020 18:12

I feel for you. It is not just the exhaustion that is difficult but it's also hurtful when you realise that for whatever reason you are not that high up in your family's priorities, it stings even more when they favour other siblings.
Unfortunately there is nothing you can really do to change this and perhaps you can look at paying for a bit of help? Even if it's cleaning or getting shopping delivered that would take a bit of pressure off your to do list..
Sorry you are find it tough, my family are also completely unhelpful because they are busy with siblings kids!

Original poster
Cerh111 · 07/08/2020 18:13

Yes everyday in fact I feel so let down I just wont speak about it now. He goes on holiday with them all next week but my children r just pushed aside once again x

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 07/08/2020 18:14

Was he closer to your sister before children came into the picture?

Sirzy · 07/08/2020 18:14

@Cerh111

I have never expected but when they have the other kids so they can pee off on holiday and they wont even watch mine while I sleep or work its a piss take.
If you are working too have you looked into applying for DLA for one or both children? That may help you be able to drop hours at work to give more time
UgaBaluga82 · 07/08/2020 18:15

If you've given your sister childcare, then you can easily ask for the favour to be returned.

Send her a text now saying:

"Hi Sis, hope you're well. As you know you owe me a lot of childcare favours, so ideally I'd like to cash one of them in next week. Which day works for you?"

Job done.

Drumple · 07/08/2020 18:27

@UgaBaluga82

If you've given your sister childcare, then you can easily ask for the favour to be returned.

Send her a text now saying:

"Hi Sis, hope you're well. As you know you owe me a lot of childcare favours, so ideally I'd like to cash one of them in next week. Which day works for you?"

Job done.

Don’t do this.

Way to totally destroy your relationship with your sister. Assumption closes work in sales jobs, rarely in relationships.

ThisLittleLady · 07/08/2020 18:30

I think you need to have a sit down with your family and say look, we know the extra care they need is demanding, we are trying our best, can you help us out in any way? Even sitting for an evening to give you a break.. maybe if they can agree for two of them to look after kids for a day/night?? I don’t think you’re asking too much. What about health care advisors? Do you have any help from local council? Social work dept? You may be entitled to help if you call and check with them? I had sw come out to my house and do a sort of risk assessment and supply me a few bits to help me out - they don’t just deal with taking peoples kids away! Good luck

OverTheRainbow88 · 07/08/2020 18:31

Maybe you just need to be totally honest with your sister and dad, tell them you are struggling and need their help.

hiredandsqueak · 07/08/2020 18:34

You can ask social care to make an assessment for a family with a child with a disability and a carers assessment for yourself and your dh. Not sure how Covid has affected this but contact them and ask and hopefully they will assess you as needing some respite. Have you applied for DLA for your child/children? If not do so and maybe consider using some of any award for childcare.

Tobebythesea · 07/08/2020 19:54

I totally understand where you are coming from. I also have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and unfortunately minimal family help.

I’ve found the only way to avoid disappointment, frustration and resentment is to not expect any help whatsoever. None. Then you don’t get your hopes up.

I don’t want regular childcare from any family but once in a while, maybe a couple of times a year for a few hours would be amazing. However this doesn’t happen so we pay - a lot.

We pay for childcare (nursery/babysitters) as it’s our only way of getting some headspace and it’s worth it for our mental health although it’s thousands of pounds a year. It sucks and it’s hard when lots of friends seem to get unlimited family support (a week childfree for a holiday!) but it’s not going to change so my attitude towards it has.

Leaannb · 07/08/2020 20:08

@Cerh111

I have never expected but when they have the other kids so they can pee off on holiday and they wont even watch mine while I sleep or work its a piss take.
You are being massively unreasonable. Then not taking your children is not them taking the piss. Your children have some pretty serious issues that they cannot handle and they have been honest about that. You sound extremely entitled
TheCanyon · 07/08/2020 21:09

I'm very much a look after your own dc and if your family wanna help out once in a blue moon then brilliant, otherwise crack on. But I can truly see how your situation upsets you, when you're on your knees you just need something.

My dps had my dd1 a LOT when she was a baby, I had severe pnd and was a single parent and they were literally a life saver. After I got with dh, the visits massively reduced, dd2 went a few times while the dts were born/in scbu, dts have been once in 5 years(we live a couple hours away). My big db is too far away for practical help really, but I know they help my younger db (who lives in the same town as them) when needed/just because. I hope neither of my dbs resent me for the help they have me with dd1.