Lack of help

[Cerh111]

Hiya all. I have two children. My eldest is 4 and has epilepsy and behaviour issues. My youngest is 1 and was premature and has been left with breathing issues. Myself and my husband are finding things really hard. We never get any time alone. My mother in law will have my eldest for a few hours here and there. My mum tries to have my eldest but ends up calling within an hour or so saying she cannot cope. My dad has my sisters 3 children all the time. He has them for weeks on end none stop but has never ever had any of my children. My husbands dad has never been around. We get very little help and support and its starting to take its toll. I am not asking for baby sitters every day or week but once a month would be a great help. Am I expecting to much?

I am very fortunate to have very helpful parents and PIL, DM and MIL both have DS one day per week, but this is so DH and I can both be in work on the same days, this saves us money but not time, without the family help we would just use nursery two more days. I have been without DS overnight only twice and he is nearly two and once was for a funeral in Scotland for DHs relative. I fully expected to not have much time to myself with a small child. DH goes out to his hobby (in usual times) two or three evenings a month, and would happily do the same for me but honestly if I'm not at work I want to be with DS, I work full time over four days and already regret the time I'm not with him.
This is more about the additional needs your children have, which makes your situation much more relentless (plus the fact you have two!) , but you should be getting support to take a break for you, from children's services or your LA or their dad. I completely understand why family might be worried about being sole responsibility for children with additional needs. It's shit for you but it's not their fault.

OP, I feel for you.

We have minimal family help (although in-laws like to tell us all about their friends who help constantly with their grandchildren, and my parents lie to their neighbours that they are down helping me and also my DB a lot, which they aren't!!)

We availed of help from a charity called Homestart. Had a volunteer (middle aged woman who has grownup kids) come a few hours per week to help with light household tasks, or to cuddle a baby, let me get on with my housework or nap if I was knackered.

An absolute lifesaver for me when I had 5 kids under the age of 10, three of whom were under the age of 2 years old (multiple birth). Not sure whereas you are, but Google Homestart and your area and hopefully it comes up.

You're not alone OP, plenty of us out there treading water and feeling the pressure. I understand that you are feeling like it's a slap in the face that your DSis gets better treatment. And at the end of the day, your DC are as precious as anyone's, and you want them to feel loved.

YANBU.

I think not having much time alone as a couple when children come along is the norm. Even more so when more than one child.

Your parents and ILs don’t have to provide childcare if they don’t want too, they have raised their children. You can book a sitter or nursery hours for some child free time.

Your parents and ILs don’t have to provide childcare if they don’t want too, they have raised their children.

Yes, but there’s clearly a huge disparity with the sister’s children.

I’m afraid that if you want a night out or a break you need to pay someone to look after the children.

You can not expect anyone else to do anything.

Sitters are really good and trustworthy

I agree with PPs - stop barking up the family tree and apply for DLA, disabled child needs assessment and parent carer needs assessment (which will likely includes direct payments for support) from your local council. Also apply for Short Breaks scheme via the council. And look at other organisations like Family Fund and charities specific to your DCs' issues to see if they can signpost you to any support.

OP, I know from experience how scary it can be looking after a baby with breathing problems. It sucks that no-one in your family has offered to help, but in their defence, they may be terrified of something going wrong on their watch.

Honestly yes. If you’re not willing to pay for childcare then don’t expect to receive any.

It is shit that they provide it to other family members, but not you. But that is the way it is. You know they aren't going to help you, so look elsewhere. My parents and SIL will help out with the odd evening and hour or two so DH and I can go out together etc. But for anything more than that, we rely on paid childcare. I really think you should do the same. If your eldest is 4, you should be entitled funded hours of some description and/or are they starting school in September?

I’d look at it another way. Would you really feel safe with them looking after your kids, if they feel so unable to help with the complex needs. The breathing difficulties must be very scary.

I’d do what pp above says, and apply for DLA and everything else available, and try to get some professional respite care. Then at least you can feel safe that they are in good hands.

And/ or pay someone with the requisite experience- maybe with the additional funds you can hopefully get. If you’re not doing it often it might be more doable.

Could they be reluctant to babysit because they are worried about managing your DC's health needs? Maybe they are scared that your older DC might have a seizure or the younger one might experience breathing difficulties while in their care? I can imagine many GP's would find this prospect daunting and might worry about not knowing what to do, when to seek medical attention for them, being blamed if something goes wrong etc. I'm not saying that makes the situation right or fair, just that them being willing to look after their other GC doesn't necessarily mean they love yours any less or that they don't want to help.

At what age did DC1 problems become apparent? Did you get any help then?

We had the same when our 2 were younger as they grow up its not so hard to mind them and you might find your family more helpful are your sisters kids older? Were they helped when the kids were younger? We have 12yr old with asd and no1 took him for more than 30mins at a time until he was about 6yrs old.

I am in the same situation as you. My MIL cant do any more than maybe 2 hours with my daughter and she 'needs a nap' (my MIL, not my daughter). Yet she minds DHs nephew at least twice a week. We get a few hours off when my parents visit from abroad which is usually once every 2 months but with lockdown it's been 6 months.

Honestly, we have just come to accept that is our situation. We have stopped getting angry at it and we just trudge on. Eventually we will get a babysitter (DD is only 1 and DC2 is due in November). It is what it is. They are our children, and maybe it was because my parents had zero help growing up, but I always prepared for the idea that me and DH are on parent duty 100% of the time. No point getting upset over something we dont and cant have