To ask you tell me how you became a single mum and successfully returned to full time work and it didn’t all turn into a massive financial and emotional shit show?

[BadDucks]

Even if it’s not true and the whole thing was a disaster can you tell me it’s all gonna be fine.

Was a SAHM for 10 years, retrained and have worked part time for 3 years. Youngest will start secondary school in September. Need to leave my marriage and whichever way I do the sums realistically I will need to go full time in order to get a mortgage. After 15 years of always being on stand by for the kids I can’t quite get my head around the practicalities of doing it alone and the financial side scares me to death.

So if anyone would like to come along and gently give my head a wobble so I can just bite the bullet and go full time that would be great thanks.

How stand by do you need to be if they're high school age? My high schooler is the one on stand by, for my primary age child. When me and their father split 8 yrs ago they were both primary age. I worked 20hrs a week for a while then within 2yrs changed jobs and went to 30hrs, worked my way up roles and went full time a couple of years after that. My current role has me travelling around sites, usually at least an hour away from home, mixed with days working from home. Their dad has them every other weekend and every other Wednesday night.

You'll just do it. I became a single mum when DD was a baby so I just had to cope with full time work and managing her. We're very close and although it is blooming tough, we just have to cope and make compromises

If your children are all high-school age surely they are self-sufficient enough to cope with you working? They’ll be in school all day and by the time they get home you’ll almost be finished work (assuming you are doing regular working hours?). Are they able to make snacks etc?

If you are able to pay all your bills with a bit left over, is that not enough? What is it exactly that you are so scared of? 🙂
It can take a bit of getting used to but being independent is great, and definitely preferable to being in an unhappy marriage.

Will he pay maintenance?

Sorry drip feed alert. One has SEN so education hasn’t always been that simple nor is leaving him home alone for extended periods of the eldest isn’t around.

I worked full time from when DD was 10 months old. Did it singlehandedly from when she was 3. Work was 1.5 hours away. Just got wrap around childcare and just got in with it. Yes I was tired. No I wasn't happy with the set-up but I had to keep a roof over our heads.
Your child in in secondary school, you'll be fine. A child of that age gets themself to school and back anyway 🤷‍♀️
Big girl pants time... you've been lucky to be a SAHM as long as you have.

Ok so the way I did it was claim benefits as mine were 3 and newborn, on unpaid Mat leave. Technically the worst position in the better in terms of getting the maximum from your marital assets. NO POINT going full time and savin as it'll be taken in to account in the marital pot of assets.
For ease, I went 50/50 with my ex on the equity of the house and bought a shared ownership in cash after renting for 8 months. Now you can go straight to s/o I believe.
Then I applied to college and I'm in year 3 out of 4 of my re training, full time job this time next year.
As soon as I can I'll then be applying for a mortgage and moving.

Considering your kids are older, there's no childcare costs, etc, then I don't think it'll be too bad.

Do you have any support - family or friends? I’ve been lucky enough to have a term time job for the last 8 years as a single mother, and in their school. They’re now at high school, so I I’ve taken a job slightly further away as they don’t need me to be so hands on. There are ways of making it work. Good luck.

You will just get on with it and make it work. We all have to.
My marriage ended when my daughter had just turned four. I was lucky that I was working FT when I decided to leave the marriage but even then I was petrified. After about a year I woke up one morning and realised my life was actually far easier and calmer and I had more money than when I was married.
SEN is a challenge but if your children are secondary age you have a degree of flexibility and if you've been working you're not going from a standing start.

You will have to embrace childcare and lose the feeling that you always have to be on hand to move into FT work. It's harder due to the SEN but there will be solutions, its totally necessary so lose any guilt about it. And just keep doing it until it starts to feel normal. One day you'll wake up and realise that you're killing it.

Single parent of 3. I worked full time for many years but had to go part time at the point my mum got dementia (also an only child) but returned full time when she died. It is easier once they are in high school as you can leave them when unwell and just check in with them several times a day. I have fairly low housework standards and do stuff like have 5 pairs of trousers, shirts and jumpers for school so I don’t have to worry about washing and drying in time. My children do loads of housework basics and I attach money and/or internet access to it - dishwasher loading and unloading, bringing down washing, hoovering. Slow cooker useful, all shopping online. I pay British Gas for emergency access to plumbers, electricians, drains, kitchen appliance repair and have a builder and car mechanic I trust.

It all works fine now but in the early years (I have been single now for nearly 11 years) it was hard going. But you will be OK! I am very happy single and enjoy my time with my children and have a full social life when they are not with me.

Worked part time when DD was a baby, childcare was DGP and CM

Did degree at nights and worked full time once DD began school. In a nearby school so was able to arrange pick ups/drop offs.
Took 9 months off to do PGCE - was able to claim housing benefit, PGCE bursary and maintenance. Managed.

Got job as NQT. Worked full time.

Met DH had more kids... life began lovely but also became a million times more chaotic.

Basically good support from DGPs meant I was able to do what I needed.

Also I became a SM because things didn't work out with EX during pregnancy. Happy to go it alone. I was 22.

Not me, but a close friend of mine became a single mum unexpectedly a couple years ago when her children were primary school age and she works full time. She found it tough for the first few months understandably, especially as she is not supported in anyway by her ex. However, she is now so much happier and healthier than when she was married and her children are thriving now.

If you have local supportive family you should be able to wing it.

I had family around when my dc's were younger and worked more hours. Now I have no family nearby I've stuck to 3 days a week.

My children spend 40% of their time with their father and I work in the public sector, so very flexible.

It is fine, but only because of those two factors.

I found as I worked over 32hrs a week I was entitled to working tax credits? Think it’s replaced by Universal credit now but you may find you get more than you think (I was on a pretty OK salary and was pleased and surprised). Remember maintenance can be includes in calcs for stuff like mortgage eligibility but won’t be for UC.

I had a close friend on the next street in a similar boat- helped emotionally and practically.

A few dirty single mum hacks like putting the toddler to sleep in the next day’s clothes to cut the morning tantrum out and doing ‘on toast’ dinners if they’d had a hot school dinner that day- ppl that don’t understand might raise an eyebrow but we all got out alive!

I worked from home 1 day a which really helped with the house stuff. Could you afford to work 0.9 and have a shorter day once a week?

Ds dad went to prison when he was 2 weeks old 😬 didnt have much choice. Maternity leave was brutal and losing my job didnt help but after a year of counselling and getting my head together I applied for any job I could. Worked my ass off and tbh take any help and support you can and dont be ashamed to ask if you need help.
Ds is now 5 and in the 4 years I've been back at work I've almost doubled my earnings and bought a house. We are a happy little unit now and honestly I dont know if I would even want to change that.

What is your soon to be ex’s role, he will be around too yes?
Being a single mum was far easier than being married to an idiot. Only had me and DD to worry about. You just literally have to leap and do it! Yes it’s hard work but the satisfaction is amazing knowing it’s all on you and you smash it!
Did it for years and still have very fond memories of our time just us.

I was already working full-time when I left my ex-husband; my kids were 4 and 6 so definitely couldn't be left. We managed - wrap-around care at school was a lifesaver though. They are now 11 and 12 and I have to say it's so much easier now they are older, but we did survive it.

I've always claimed top-up benefits and their dad has always paid maintenance though, which does help.

Always worked full time, right from the start. Used nurseries and childminders. Millions of women do it. It's easy enough. If yours are at high school it should be easier for you.

Thanks everyone I know you are right and I just have to get on with it. No idea what STBXH will do I terms of his share as he has always been a bit “I can’t take time off/be flexible in my work” even though he is self employed. My family live too far away to be of support and although his are local and I get on well with them I’m not sure how relations will pan out once I make the leap to leave.

I really admire all of you who have gone it alone with little ones. I don’t regret being SAHM especially in relation to giving the one with SEN all the attention he’s needed but I do wish I’d pushed away my anxieties and become financially independent sooner

If I can go full time my salary will be OK, along with maintenance. We won’t be well off but we would get by. I just need some firm words otherwise I’ll convince myself to hold on until both kids are fully independent and I’ll spend another few years like this.

I’ve been a single parent for three years now - my kids are now 7 and 4 so a fair bit younger, although I understand that you have a child with SEN. I worked part time (23 hours a week) doing shifts and slowly worked my way up hours wise until I got stuck for childcare at about 28 hours. I moved from shift work to a community nursing job last year and I now work full time. I am on the old tax credits system. Between that, minimal child maintenance and my wage I manage well - it was considerably harder in the early days so bear with it!

I’m guessing that there is a calculator for Universal Credit - you might be surprised!

I know a few others have said it, but there are plenty of things that you can do to make your life easier:

-Wraparound care in ‘normal’ times.
-Set of uniform for each school day plus a spare - wash on Fridays.
-Be kind to yourself with regards to chores etc.
-Having moved to Click and Collect since lockdown - I wish that I’d done it years ago!
-I bought a spare freezer last year which has been great for prepping meals etc.
-Write down any financial or childcare arrangements that you make with your ex and co-sign it. It’s the only way that I’ve been able to encourage my exH to keep to arrangements.
-Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t make every school thing etc - I feel guilty over this a lot but I remind myself that I am doing the best thing for the kids in the long run. I try to use flexi time where possible to make appointments.
-If your kids prefer packed lunches and if their SEN prevents them making their own stuff, I find making sandwiches at the start of the week and freezing them to be quicker and saves time in the evenings.

I have been a single parent and worked full time since my son was 8 months old, including commuting into London with no family help. It isn't easy but you just get into a routine and get on with it. I could have worked 16 hours and got benefits but I wanted to buy my own home, which I have just recently done

I’d always worked full time even after having the DC, so things pretty much carried on after the split. Also made sure I was on good speaking terms with other mums for support. Just take one step at a time OP.

Thanks WotcherHarry that’s good practical advice. Definitely overwhelmed by the bigger picture and also worrying about silly little things that might not actually be an issue.

I know it’s doable and plenty of women do it. I know I’ll be fine just very weird to think that life as I know for the last 20 years is going to end.

The only thing I’m excited about is moving house. We have a lovely home but I’ve always found it too big and too much to keep on top of so the thought of a little house is very appealing!

@BadDucks

Thanks everyone I know you are right and I just have to get on with it. No idea what STBXH will do I terms of his share as he has always been a bit “I can’t take time off/be flexible in my work” even though he is self employed. My family live too far away to be of support and although his are local and I get on well with them I’m not sure how relations will pan out once I make the leap to leave.

I really admire all of you who have gone it alone with little ones. I don’t regret being SAHM especially in relation to giving the one with SEN all the attention he’s needed but I do wish I’d pushed away my anxieties and become financially independent sooner

If I can go full time my salary will be OK, along with maintenance. We won’t be well off but we would get by. I just need some firm words otherwise I’ll convince myself to hold on until both kids are fully independent and I’ll spend another few years like this.

I would say, weigh up whether actually working 37 hours a week would get you more than working the equivalent of 30@minimum wage receiving universal credit.