GD being abused, SW don't want to know what do I do?

[lifesabitchandthenyoudie]

Hi, basically a newbie so please be gentle - but tell me what I need to know! My GD has contact with her dad, told my DD (her mum) yesterday that he is kissing her with an open mouth (she was doing it and her mum asked her why); further chatting and she showed her mum how... using her tongue as well. We are both freaked out and horrified. There is a court order for contact so she can't just stop. Relationship was emotionally and physically abusive, he is a very dangerous character. DD phoned her lawyer, was told to call social services - they are not interested at all! She tried to take it higher and has now had a stroppy phone call from the original SW. Lawyer has said to call the police. We are in Scotland. Is there any advice or are we BU?

You can also call the Scottish Children’s Reporter Administration (see link for more information). Anyone can make a referral to them and as far as I am aware it can be an anonymous referral (or it used to be).
www.scra.gov.uk/about-scra/how-to-make-a-referral/
I hope someone in a position of authority starts to listen to you.

Thank you all! I will follow that link, and if she doesn't feel able to make a complaint I will. I think they decided mum was leading her... but the way she told me I don't see how; they suggested she ask his mum (they are in touch, quite friendly) to ask him 'not to do it again' !

He raped her while they were still together, the relationship was rocky; had the child... she had blocked it out and only realised a few years ago; the police said they couldn't take it further as he used the 'rough sex' claim...

@lifesabitchandthenyoudie

Hi, basically a newbie so please be gentle - but tell me what I need to know! My GD has contact with her dad, told my DD (her mum) yesterday that he is kissing her with an open mouth (she was doing it and her mum asked her why); further chatting and she showed her mum how... using her tongue as well. We are both freaked out and horrified. There is a court order for contact so she can't just stop. Relationship was emotionally and physically abusive, he is a very dangerous character. DD phoned her lawyer, was told to call social services - they are not interested at all! She tried to take it higher and has now had a stroppy phone call from the original SW. Lawyer has said to call the police. We are in Scotland. Is there any advice or are we BU?

Phone the police. Report to GP -ask for an immediate referral to safeguarding team. Phone SW back and ask calmly for complaints policy and escalate who cares if they get stroppy.

Ask solicitor to send him a letter saying contact will cease -but do this after police interview etc. Ask for your daughter to be interviewed with specialist officers.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Police and no contact! What the hells wrong with anyone who thinks they need still see him

Be kind. Some people are fearful of ex partners and they have been conditioned to doing what they are told to do.

Not everything is straight forwards

I’m so sorry your gd and dd are going through this. I’ve no experience of this. But I would suggest calling the police. I’m amazes sw wouldn’t do anything ... can you go higher up in the sw dept and say you want to make a complaint?? This is awful. I hope you get what you need. Is there some sort of protective order you can get for gd?? 💐

Just phone the police instead. It’s a crime. That social worker should be struck off. It’s disgusting that they are in a job. I would put a complaint in about the SW as that is shocking behaviour, and this SW clearly will not protect children. Needs sacking before someone gets hurt.

When speaking to your GG you can’t ask any leading questions or it may be discarded.

You need to ask open ended questions like can you tell me what happened...

Don’t say things like... did he do this... to you.

I would write down word for word the questions you asked and how she responded... don’t put any words in her mouth, so don’t say did he kiss you with his tongue.

You absolutely CAN stop contact with a court order and this is absolutely one of those times when you MUST (I also have a court order, I have also stopped contact).

This is a police matter. I'd also ring the NSPCC. If the SW is being a dick about this then ask to speak to their line manager. Please DO NOT let that little girl return to her father under any circumstances whatsoever.

I am so horrified by this, quite gobsmacked. It's horrible! You don't kiss children mouth to mouth never mind using tongues.

I'm glad the police are being called and your daughter must speak to somewhere like the Scottish version of the NSPCC. I really do hope she gets the help she needs this time.

The social workers are being appalling.

Police, and NSPCC for advice and info.

Don't ask her anything else about it, write down as much as you remember form the conversation, word for word.

What do you expect social workers to do? You are protecting the child by stopping contact. It will then go back through the Courts. What your GD is describing is a crime and needs to be reported to the police

I dont know what goes on in the heads of Social Workers. What the rest of us find unacceptable they think is normal.
I recall a recent thread about a father showing his teenage daughter some dodgy joke or something. I wonder how that developed.

Yep, police.
I wouldn't ask her anymore questions but I would write the incident down in detail (including time, date, who was present, etc) so it is clear in your head for when you give your statement to the police.

I'm hoping she is just imitating what she has seen (dad kissing gf??) rather than being abused herself.

You don't kiss children mouth to mouth.

Sorry to derail but this is nonsense. There is, absolutely, nothing wrong with pecking a child on the lips, especially if child-led.

Yes phone the police immediately!

Horrific. :( poor poor girl.

Please make sure you don’t ask GD any questions or discuss with her. I know it’s hard. You need to contact the police and report as a crime. Let them refer to children’s services.

bit Old School, but write down exactly what was said.

Sadly SW tend not to intervene (in my experience) if a court order is in place. My child had " atypical injuries" and "unexplained injuries" ex said he didn't notice. SS did nothing.

Please stop all contact immediately.
Inform the police who will inform S S

Police - and lodge a complaint about the SS (how aptly named) worker.

You know what to do, OP. Just wishing you luck and , I'm so sorry. Hope you and your daughter and GD are all okay. What a horrific situation to be in.

Is GD the subject of a child protection order?

What exactly did the original SW say?

The lawyer is giving the right advice.

It’s really, really important that you don’t ask her anything else about this. If she brings it up, write down what she says, and make it clear that it’s fine to talk.

Report to police and stop contact.
Call nspcc

Some people kiss their kids on the lips but given the history best to be cautious
Let him explain to police

Oh that poor baby phone the police, I think social workers are very limited in what they can do in this instance - your GD is with your DD where she isn't at risk. Court orders can be disobeyed in circumstances like this where a child is at risk.

And it is fine to kiss your children on the lips but certainly not open mouthed kissing and definitely not with tongues! There is a very big difference

Did the social worker advise you to act protectively, I.e. to stop contact/return to court as an emergency?

If so and if that’s what you’re doing, the social worker won’t need to do more as you are acting to protect - further investigation would need to be through reporting to police as a criminal investigation.

Social workers only act to protect children where parents are not.