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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband never ever comes up with ideas/plans

32 replies

Heygirlheyboy · 07/08/2020 16:57

Both at home for the summer with dc. I'm exhausted from being the only one who plans anything, down to times, booking, food prep etc and if I don't do it, nothing is done so if i take time to myself I know they'll stay indoors for the duration of my break. Two high energy dc. And then at bedtime he wonders why they're not going off to sleep. Am I ott or reasonable? Fuming today and need perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 08/08/2020 00:26

Anyone?!

OP posts:
Fatted · 08/08/2020 00:29

Leave him too it, enjoy your break and leave him to deal with crazy climbing the walls bedtime.

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 08/08/2020 00:41

But I'd like a break home alone with them gone out, you see. And I'm here at bedtime anyway. I have told him I need him to do it so let's see what tomorrow brings.

OP posts:
eggofmantumbi · 08/08/2020 01:01

I hear you. My kids are little bit smaller but if I leave them with husband baby ends up in her chair when her dummy in, older one watching videos on his phone while he watches TV!

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 08/08/2020 08:15

It's very annoying and after all these months I'm pretty resentful.

OP posts:
BGirlBouillabaisse · 08/08/2020 08:20

I find it's actually a method of control, in that he can't be blamed if it goes wrong/doesn't meet expectations. DH's side of the family expect him to sort out meet ups, because they can blame him if they kick off if it goes wrong...

BGirlBouillabaisse · 08/08/2020 08:21

(But also pure laziness and not taking the initiative).

DressesWithPockets · 08/08/2020 08:24

I imagine your experience is probably not unusual. I think all you can do is talk to him and explain how you feel. He may not realise.

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 08/08/2020 08:26

Normal but no less annoying.

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 08/08/2020 08:30

Thanks all. The 'he may not realise' gets me a bit... As how can he not? He is literally completely uninvolved in any outside his house activities or trips... I often go alone with dc giving him hours of peace and quiet.. But anyway I have said it now so I will see today altho I imagine it to be shortlived as he just doesn't have the interest and motivation to throw himself into these things.

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revelsandrose · 08/08/2020 08:35

No advice but I'm feeling the same. Dh will happily sit in the house all day, dc glued to screens, him watching tv/phone. I plan all activities (I get complaints/criticisms but no suggestions). Most things I do with dc I do with friends and their dc, would love to wake up one day and him say right shall we do x,y,z I've checked times/prices we need to leave at such a time, but this would never happen. I think it's a combination of laziness and not wanting to spend money!

adarkwhisperinthewoodwasheard · 08/08/2020 08:37

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? It may be he just hasn't realised it.

My exh was also like this, but it was with everything - meals out for us and babysitters, family activities, holidays etc. He wouldn't even pay bills, leaving it up to me from the montly allowance he gave me and my p/t bar job. When we were attempting a (failed) reconcilliation before we finally split for good it turned out that he didn't think he should have to do any of it because he earned most of the money. That really opened my eyes to how he saw me in our relationship - it wasn't an even partnership and he didn't value my contribution as a parent or equal.

I agree with what a pp said about it being a form of control too - he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything if he doesn't make any decisions. But will get to blame you if things go wrong. You need a frank discussion about how you're feeling. You deserve a break and your childrens' other parent to actually parent them equally.

Applesarenice · 08/08/2020 08:39

I could have written this myself. BUT I made progress last week - I asked my dh last week if he could take them out so I could get on with some bits - granted it was only an hour or two (he usually gets ENTIRE days to himself - not that I’m bitter...) but he did it and it was bliss.

When I’ve asked in general ‘it would be great if you took them out more’ it falls on deaf ears. I find it has to be ‘Please can you take them to x Or x today so I can do x’

Dazedandconfused28 · 08/08/2020 08:39

I totally understand how you feel, and it is just another way in which women are forced to shoulder the mental load.

It's not an ideal solution, but I now book activities for DH & toddler, then send them on their way.

GetUpAgain · 08/08/2020 08:40

Its infuriating when you are not lazy and realise your co parent and life partner is a lazy person. I really feel for you. I never predicted how lazy my DH was going to be as he's aged and its really hard going.

Dumbie · 08/08/2020 08:44

I get this too. It winds me up.
The most that will happen is a spontaneous trip to the park for 45 minutes.

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 08/08/2020 08:45

I don't think it's anything to do with blame and in general he's the opposite of lazy, say around the house, he just has zero interest in taking them off which actually I think is very sad, this is included being unbothered about coming with us at times so not many fun family days out.. It definitely is part of what feels like an enormous mental load and the fact that when I'm not there it's indoor time only adds to that load so I often prefer to just take them.

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Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 08/08/2020 08:46

Yes Dumble he will take them to do the shop at times.

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Mommabear20 · 08/08/2020 08:48

DD is only a few weeks old so not there yet, however I feel we'll be in the situation, but, I think a lot depends on your own upbringing, my mum for instance always had us out and doing stuff, my husband on the other hand was left to his own devices more (playing out in the street, gardens etc) both loved our childhoods so have very different views on what we should do when DD is older

Shinygreenelephant · 08/08/2020 08:53

My husband is a bit like this, he would happily just alternate between paddling pool in the garden / beach / Park all summer. But dsd is down next week and unless we go on days out she will spend the whole visit staring at her tablet so I've booked the zoo, fruit picking and a museum and put him in charge of packing picnics and driving us there

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 08/08/2020 08:53

I was left to my own devices a lot so that may not cause an issue, however you're right in that PILs would literally never leave the house so there's a massive case of 'why would you want to go anywhere?' with them and now it seems with dh too.. I want to live life and do things, try things and enjoy the dc but also have my breaks knowing he'll step in.. But he just may not ever really play that role.

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Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 08/08/2020 08:55

Shinygreenelephant paddling pool, park and beach sound great too! I would love to try camping sometime but solo organising feels overwhelming.

OP posts:
elstree2020 · 08/08/2020 08:55

Not everyone is an ideas person, but they can help with planning and doing things.

GreyishDays · 08/08/2020 08:59

@elstree2020

Not everyone is an ideas person, but they can help with planning and doing things.
Or they can say “I always feel a bit stuck when thinking of things to do, could you take on that bit, or could we make a list together that we stick on the fridge?”
Emeraldshamrock · 08/08/2020 09:05

Yanbu. Same in this home too. He'll entertain them at home or bring them out when I organise something for them but he never uses his own motivation to organise things.

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