Husband never ever comes up with ideas/plans

[Heygirlheyboy]

Both at home for the summer with dc. I'm exhausted from being the only one who plans anything, down to times, booking, food prep etc and if I don't do it, nothing is done so if i take time to myself I know they'll stay indoors for the duration of my break. Two high energy dc. And then at bedtime he wonders why they're not going off to sleep. Am I ott or reasonable? Fuming today and need perspective.

This is called the ‘mental load’ and it falls to women most of the time - all the invisible little jobs that wouldn’t get done, like organising dental appointments, making sure birthday presents are bought, etc. and it is a royal pain in the ass and impacts on our lives in more ways that we imagine. How many times have you been to the supermarket and seen men sitting in the car listening to their radio and playing with their phones while the women are in doing the shopping? It’s never the other way round, is it? Sit him down and tell him that the workload needs to be shared more fairly and between the fro of you draw up a list of who is responsible for what. Set aside half an hour a day when you both get the bulk of your jobs doe. It shouldn’t have to be this way but sometimes you just been to lay it on the line for them.

Why on earth don't people discuss views around rating children before they have them? There is no way DS would be sitting watching things on DHs phone because he feels as strongly about it as I do, I wouldn't have had children with a man who thinks parenting is a woman's job and if you didn't have that explicit conversation beforehand, why? DH world consolidated hours full time so he has DS one day every week in his own, the same as me, they go out all the time, he takes him to swimming lessons etc, in the very very early days when DS was tiny and breastfed I still spoke to DH and said I need an hour or two on a Saturday morning when I've not got someone clinging off me, so they go into town or walk to the beach or park now he's older, run any errands that need doing, DH has his hobby that gives him a few hours a week off and we both accommodate the other if we want to see friends etc solo. When we were first together I made it clear if he missed his mum's birthday etc that was on him, he did it once she was disappointed, I pointed out that my vagina didn't work as a PA, he didn't repeat the behaviour. I expect no more or less from him than he can expect from me or I expect from myself. Why would you accept less than that? Value yourself, and other people will too

Please don't assume anything about me, I value myself very much and pre kids dh would have given very firm impression that he would as involved and enthusiastic as I am. He does do his family birthdays, lots of the cooking, most of the cleaning, making lunches. My issue here is the taking out of dc which he seems not to be interested in or value, whereas exercise and fresh air are so important to me.

Oh and having just a little bit of time on my own at home would be really great, nearly 5months after normal life stopped!!

I don’t think him not having ideas/plans is the issue op. Like a pp said, not everyone is an ‘ideas’ person.

In nearly 20 years the majority of ‘ideas’ and plans for our whole life have come from me and not dh. From small things like thinking what to do on a Saturday or where to go on holiday to massive life changing ones like where we should live and setting up dh’s business which is our livelihood.

Although far from lazy, dh is just not an ‘ideas’ person and would happily bumble along not particularly thinking of the bigger picture or making plans (for Saturday or the next 30 years!). At times I’ve found it immensely frustrating that he’s not particularly a self-starter but I’ve made my peace with it.

The difference is that once he gets (ie is given) the idea he throws himself into it. I may be the one to suggest he takes the dc to the beach but once I do he takes over and arranges it and off he goes. I may have been the one to suggest he’d be really good at doing xyz as a business but once he had the prod he gave it everything he had.

If your dh shows lack of imagination, tell him the dc would love the beach/camping/the park whatever.

If he makes no effort to do anything with them, despite you ‘helping’ in this way then you have bigger issues than lack of planning and he needs to step up.

I end up booking most of the holiday things we do. DP does do some but he acknowledges I get the ideas and do most of the organising. One way forward for you, OP is to make a list of things to do and then pass them to your partner to book and organise - let them pick one or two things from a selection.

At least this way I do things I enjoy!

Good, practical advice. Thank you all.