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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenagers and sex

52 replies

zrorjaei · 06/08/2020 22:53

So I have tonight found condoms in my 17 year old DD bedroom. She has been seeing a 18 year old boy for 6 months. I told her i had found them and she told me she was having sex with him, although refuses to tell me how long they had been sleeping together for. I then went on to talk to her about possibly going on he pill and said I would go with her if she wanted me to. So i thought i had handled it fairly well. We do have quite a good relationship as although I would rather she wasn’t sleeping with him she has obviously decided she wants to and she is legally allowed to. I also want her to be safe and be able to come to me if she has a problem. BUT it all went wrong when I realised that they must have slept together when we were all in the house During the day as it has been during lockdown and there has been no time when they have been left alone. At this point I got quite cross and told her it was not respectful especially that at any point her Younger sister, father or me could have walked in at any point I said it was disrespectful of her boyfriend as well and I doubt he would do that at his house, she didn’t reply to that so I assume that is the case. It has now ended in a big argument. In the heat of the argument I said I also felt that he didn’t treat her well. They have been ‘talking” 6 months, are obviously sleeping together and yet he still hasn’t asked her to be his girlfriend. He has only ever asked her to his house once - he only ever wants to come here and even then my daughter has got upset because he never wants to see her more than a few hours once a week. They also went to the pub for the first time since lockdown finished last week and he completely ignored her. Even some of her male friends said he didn’t treat her well and she should talk to him about it. I have tried to keep quiet That I think he isn’t been particularly nice as felt it was her decision but tonight I couldn’t help myself. Now she is really cross with me! Told me to stay out of her relationships which is fair enough - although hopefully she will realise he isn’t been particularly nice. But i have said again I feel she is being disrespectful by sleeping with him when we are all up and about in the house during the day And i dont want it to happen again.( he doesnt stay over - she has never asked if he can). I dont think this is being unreasonable and i am now thinking I should tell her her door has to remain open while he is here. Am i being unreasonable????

OP posts:

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 06/08/2020 23:23

Difficult one this OP.I think you handled it brilliantly with the condoms.Thats when the conversation should have stopped though. I entirely get where you are coming from and it doesnt seem he does treat your daughter with the respect you would like to see.However no teenager on this earth and thinking back to my teenage years too would want any critisism of their partner even if you are right!!! I think you are right but you have to trust your daughter that she will see this and work it out for herself.Give it time and I am sure she will.She sounds a smart cookie protecting herself.I would not insist on her door being shut I would place your trust in her and give her the privacy though.She doesnt sound daft to me,if he is a loser she will get it soon she really will.I would grit my teeth and apologise for upsetting her and let her know you love and trust her and are proud of her for being so sensible via the contraception.Build her up and you will soon have her on side again.Him well you might have to suffer him for a while but it might not be for too long.Having said that credit where credits due he is also being sensible with their private life so he might not be your cup of tea but he is doing the right thing there al least,Tomorrows another day sleep on it,trust your daughter and like the rest of us mums maybe you will have to bite your toungue for a bit! Never easy this bit with kids..mine is 30 and I have been there! Thinking about it there are loads of situations left out of the bloody parenting handbook..makes life so complicated! Good luck!

MumsyMumIAmNot · 07/08/2020 00:36

YANBU your house your rules.

foreveramum7856 · 07/08/2020 00:39

Why were you looking through her things in the first place ?

Bouledeneige · 07/08/2020 00:43

Yes well its pretty obvious you should have quit when you were ahead on the condoms and pill conversation. The rest was really you saying the opposite - I object, its not okay, only on my terms and anyway i don't like him. Its not very surprising that she hasn't confided in you before and that she got quite angry.

I'd let her have him to stay over. Then they are not forced to have sex during the day which you find distasteful. They are both consenting adults and it would be easier for her to see him as he really is rather than focus her attention, as she will be now, on how you've tried to prevent her relationship. You're going to have to be much subtler if you disapprove of a boyfriend otherwise you drive them closer together.

ChubbyPigeon · 07/08/2020 00:51

I dont think you handled that situation well at all.

You were cross with her having sex with you in the house and so you used her boyfriend not treating her well as a stick to beat her with.

Shes 17, sounds like he treats her like shit, but shes old enough to make decisions about who she sees and who she sleeps with. It will probably end in tears but thats her prerogative

It might be time you all learn to knock on her door before going in? Presumably you have sex with them in the house? Its fair enough to have a no boys in bedroom policy or something, but you clearly dont and clearly havent noticed anything. So I dont think its fair to say its disrespectful when youve clearly been allowing him in her room with the door closed when its pretty fucking obvious whats going to happen

StarlightLady · 07/08/2020 05:11

Well adjusted 40 something year old female here, who was having responsible sex at 17 and earlier. There is nothing wrong with a 17 year old having sex. You are making sex out to be something evil.

Condom use shows responsibility.

Her own home (it’s hers as well; it’s all part of the parental thing) provides safety. Would you rather they were having sex somewhere dangerous?

aLilNonnyMouse · 07/08/2020 05:19

I don't see how having sex in the house is disrespectful in any way. Presumable you do it without a second thought. It is her home just as much as it is yours. Is she meant to only do it in a bush in the park?

The stuff about not liking him isn't really relevant. You can talk to her about what a healthy living relationship is like and hope she sees for herself what is going on. Attacking him isn't going to help as she will just feel she can't talk to you about him now.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2020 05:36

You shouldn't have been going through things in her room, you shouldn't have told her you found the condoms because it's none of your business, you definitely shouldn't have asked how long they've been having sex because that's really none of your business, and sadly you just went off the rails after that.

Berating her for having sex in the home, and criticising her boyfriend repeatedly has done nothing but damage your relationship. I fear she won't be sharing anything with you from now on because she will feel you will only use it against her.

I'm sorry, but this was handled very badly.

Frazzledmum123 · 07/08/2020 05:44

I was always a goody two shoes type with complete respect for my parents and my now dh and I had sex in my parents house often, in the evenings when everyone, including my younger sister (who was 13 at the time) was at home. I had a lock on my door. We also had sex at his house with everyone there. I agree, presumably you are doing it and personally I'd much rather my dd chose our house, her safe place to have sex than somewhere else.
I get that its not a nice thought for a parent but sex isn't a bad thing if done safely and its wrong to make your dd feel bad. I think you should sit her down and apologise for what you said, be honest, it was a shock and you probably didn't handle it the best. I'd say you are sorry for upsetting her about the bf but you do have some concerns and just want her to be happy. But that you understand she is old enough to make her own decisions and just hope she will come to you if she wants to talk about it

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/08/2020 05:46

You say she refused to tell you when they started having sex. I don’t feel that’s your business at all and why does it matter? They are and they’re using protection. Sure, encourage her to double up with another type but you really have no right to know when they started sleeping together.

With regards to her ‘disrespect’, I think you’re being ridiculous. You, your DH and you’d other DD should be knocking before bursting into her room anyway and I know I would rather DD was having sex at home than somewhere else.

I think you need to calm down.

Sheenais · 07/08/2020 06:12

Where should she be having sex with her boyfriend? Bus shelter? Roundabout? How is it disrespectful? You sound disrespectful if there was a chance you would barge into her room. Is she not allowed her own space? Or to make her own decisions. She is 17.

Oysterbabe · 07/08/2020 06:17

Yabu.
Where is she supposed to do it?

SnuggyBuggy · 07/08/2020 06:20

You all need to have more respect for her privacy and not wander into her bedroom uninvited.

Toilenstripes · 07/08/2020 06:27

She’s still a kid, living under your roof. Of course she has to respect your rules. Until she moves out she can conduct her sex life with a bit of discretion.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2020 06:29

Until she moves out she can conduct her sex life with a bit of discretion.

She did. Before the op went through her daughter's room, found the condoms, and then put 2 and 2 together, she didn't even have a clue her daughter was sexually active.

JammyHands · 07/08/2020 06:34

I don’t see why you think them having sex during the day is more disrespectful than at any other time. You’re all going to be in the house at night too. She’s quite right not to want to tell you when they started. .

SteelyPanther · 07/08/2020 06:38

Unfortunately he’s using her for sex, there’s no relationship there.
I hope she gets some self respect soon 💐

TheAquaticDuchess · 07/08/2020 06:43

Surely it’s better for her to be having sex safely at home than anywhere else? If you’re accepting that she’s having sex (and you have to really - she’s old enough to decide for herself) then it seems strange to not accept her having sex in the house. It’s a better option than a car / park / alleyway, right?

He sounds like an arsehole so I understand why you don’t like him, but nothing is going to make her view him as tantalising forbidden fruit quicker than you expressing disapproval. So I think you need to keep your thoughts on him to yourself.

I would apologise for your criticism of him, and for saying it was disrespectful for them to have sex in the house. Explain that you’ve thought about it and you recognise that she has the right to make her own decisions. I would also tell her he can stay overnight if she likes. Minimises the chances of anyone walking in on them during the day, and brings the entire relationship into the open where she might she it for what it is anyway. If he’s treated as a legitimate boyfriend and invited to stay the night etc and he’s still not committed to her she might realise that she has better options out there.

CupoTeap · 07/08/2020 06:43

Oh dear, so basically he comes over for sex and that's it.

I would apologise for losing my temper but that what you said about people being in the house stands. However the bigger issue is her allowing herself to be used like this

Nottherealslimshady · 07/08/2020 06:50

I dont the "your house your rules" thing, it implies a patent gas the right to dictate any ridiculous or controlling rules on their children just because they dont have a choice but to I've with their own parents.

They were clearly having sex discretely, because you didn't know. Presumably you have sex without a concern.

Shes practising safe sex, evident by having her own condoms.

It's none of your business how many times she's had sex.

You've really overstepped in my opinion and you haven't helped her feel comfortable talking to you.

Fightthebear · 07/08/2020 06:51

Sounds like you’ve got a real problem with your daughter having sex. Where would be a better place than her own bedroom? How is that “disrespectful”?

The boyfriend sounds problematic but you’re blown any chance of being listened to on that by being so judgmental.

Notglam · 07/08/2020 06:51

Ignored her when they were out and friends saying he’s not treating her well. This is going to end in heartbreak for her.

Keep out of it for now, repair your relationship after invading her privacy. She’s going to need you when it goes tits up.

Flamingolingo · 07/08/2020 06:54

I think you need to examine your attitude to sex during the day. I think your reaction to this whole thing would be more appropriate if she were 14, but she’s not, she’s 17. Over the age of consent, and months away from being an adult. Sounds like she’s being responsible, even if you don’t like the guy.

The guy sounds like a tool, but many 18 year olds are. Many of us have had some dodgy relationships in our youth - I’ve dated people who have not been great to me, I’ve dated people I’ve not treated that well, and I’ve dated people who are just incompatible. It’s part of being young, working out how to be mature and learn what you will and won’t put up with in the longer term. (Note: I’m not condoning violence or abuse here, just saying that I learnt a lot from those early relationships and life is better for it - and they weren’t necessarily abusive relationships just young people being selfish and a bit shitty to each other).

I think you’re going to need to apologise to her. I think it’s ok that you want more for her, but a huge row is just going to push them together, and if she thinks she will get the ‘I told you so’ treatment she won’t confide in you anyway. Empower her, tell her to think about the way he is and whether she is ok with it. Let her know it’s ok to ask for better behaviour, or to walk away and find someone nicer. Teach her about loving and respectful relationships in a non critical way.

overacupcoffee · 07/08/2020 06:55

Condoms thankfully
I am pleased it is in a safe and secure place not in a backseat or who knows where
Wake up you have to deal with your values and boundaries won't Aline with hers and fair enough
Instead of taking her like a child to the doctor.. pay the fee.
Stay out of her room and personal life unless she is troubled or needs it.

MrsToothyBitch · 07/08/2020 07:02

I agree he sounds like he could treat her better, but she sounds pretty responsible and she doesn't really have to share the intricacies of her sex life with you. I know she's under your roof and young and it must be worrying for you, but she's done nothing wrong, really. She probably won't share much after that chat became a row, either. I was really close to my mum but I didn't tell her at 16 when I started sleeping with my 18 year old boyfriend. I was on the pill as well as using condoms but they aren't infallible methods and have to be used properly.

I also think you're too hung up on the day time sex thing. They've obviously been discreet - you only just found out, and not by walking in on them or hearing them- and unless you rudely don't knock on doors in your house, it's unlikely to be a problem? I used to do this at my house and at my then bf's- no interruptions, no one died, my bf's 10 year old sister knew a shut door meant that she had to knock. Plus alienating her now by banning him or similar might result in riskier behaviour on her part.

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