Teenagers and sex

[zrorjaei]

So I have tonight found condoms in my 17 year old DD bedroom. She has been seeing a 18 year old boy for 6 months. I told her i had found them and she told me she was having sex with him, although refuses to tell me how long they had been sleeping together for. I then went on to talk to her about possibly going on he pill and said I would go with her if she wanted me to. So i thought i had handled it fairly well. We do have quite a good relationship as although I would rather she wasn’t sleeping with him she has obviously decided she wants to and she is legally allowed to. I also want her to be safe and be able to come to me if she has a problem. BUT it all went wrong when I realised that they must have slept together when we were all in the house During the day as it has been during lockdown and there has been no time when they have been left alone. At this point I got quite cross and told her it was not respectful especially that at any point her Younger sister, father or me could have walked in at any point I said it was disrespectful of her boyfriend as well and I doubt he would do that at his house, she didn’t reply to that so I assume that is the case. It has now ended in a big argument. In the heat of the argument I said I also felt that he didn’t treat her well. They have been ‘talking” 6 months, are obviously sleeping together and yet he still hasn’t asked her to be his girlfriend. He has only ever asked her to his house once - he only ever wants to come here and even then my daughter has got upset because he never wants to see her more than a few hours once a week. They also went to the pub for the first time since lockdown finished last week and he completely ignored her. Even some of her male friends said he didn’t treat her well and she should talk to him about it. I have tried to keep quiet That I think he isn’t been particularly nice as felt it was her decision but tonight I couldn’t help myself. Now she is really cross with me! Told me to stay out of her relationships which is fair enough - although hopefully she will realise he isn’t been particularly nice. But i have said again I feel she is being disrespectful by sleeping with him when we are all up and about in the house during the day And i dont want it to happen again.( he doesnt stay over - she has never asked if he can). I dont think this is being unreasonable and i am now thinking I should tell her her door has to remain open while he is here. Am i being unreasonable????

To be honest I think you've handled this badly:

• she's 17 therefore she's over the legal age of consent. You shouldn't be looking through her things and I don't think you should have mentioned finding them. Fair enough mentioning her going on the pill but to ask her about them seems intrusive.

• if you've got a good relationship with your daughter don't risk that, you can't change the fact she's had sex in the house. I'd be happier she was having sex in a safe environment than having sex god knows where.

• the reasons you've given for him treating her terribly sound odd. Maybe he has a bad home life or his parents aren't happy having her over?

You need to make her feel that f he ever truly treat her badly she can approach you and ask for help and support. By telling her of your dislike you've pushed her away and probably made her feel that she would get an 'I told you so' if anything now goes wrong.

Your dd is almost an adult. I only have a 12 yo but am very aware she will be sexually active at some stage. Your Dds bedroom is a private space and you shouldn’t need to barge in there. I also don’t understand the difference between day and evening sex. I would much rather know my child was safe and protecting herself.

As for the boy not treating her well. This is a separate issue. I think you need to apologise if you ever want your dd to open up. Say you completely overreacted to everything, him and to learning she was having sex. Perhaps she will then take what you said on board. Or at the very least you have a basis for talking about what a healthy relationship looks like.

Would you prefer it was in a random car or field or similar? I get that it’s uncomfortable for you but with lockdown what were their choices? They are teenagers and they’re going to do it somewhere; I think by making her keep her door open you’re just pushing her to do it risky places.
The conversation about how he’s treating her has now come across to her as an attack and I think you need to try and repair that somehow or she won’t talk to you about him.
I feel a bit for her really as she could have just lied about the condoms or refused to admit anything as a lot of teenagers would but she’s felt able to be honest and just got in trouble

Thanks all of you for your advice, just a couple of things. I wasn’t going through her stuff, I was putting her clean washing in her room, on the floor where I Always leave it, her bottom draw was open and condoms were there for me to see. I spoke to her about it as I wanted to ask whether she was going on the pill -I asked her if she would like me to take her to the doctors or if she wanted to go on her own or with a friend. She said she would like me to take her. She has never asked me if he can stay over for the night, in fact last week she told me she didn’t want him to. I always knock on the door when I go in BUT HER 10 YEAR OLD SISTER MAY NOT. I don’t have a problem with them having sex she is a consenting adult and I know she has been sexually active with her last boyfriend who Did stay over- although in the spare room he may well have crept to her room which maybe strangely I don't mind - maybe because there is no chance of her sister walking in. She also spent a lot of time at his house. He current boyfriend has no siblings who live at home and so no chance of anyone walking in so they could go to his house but DD has said before his mum is really strict so as he never asks her to his house I assume he wouldn’t do it there when his mum is there!!!

I have Apologised to her for what I said about her boyfriend and that it has nothing to do with me and I have also told her that it is her choice to sleep with a boyfriend when she wants to. However I have asked her To consider what she would do if her sister walked in on them or her father ( who she has asked me not to tell) knocked on the door when They were in the middle of having sex. I also acknowledged that that it was hard as due to lockdown and my husband now working from home that they have no time to themselves etc.

I absolutely should not have said anything about how he treats her - especially not after finding out they were having sex - I think it made me really cross, not that they were having sex but that he is very possibly using her to have sex! He can drive, she can’t and not once has he picked her up and taken her out anywhere Not even for a dog walk or a trip to the beach which is 30 mins away, which i know she would like him to do. But as you all say its non of my business although I would like her to stand up for her self a bit more but I guess that comes with experience.

You are part of a massive problem IMO OP where people view sex as this evil/weird/secretive thing.
Stop viewing it like it, and it's amazing how much more open people will be about things.
If my DM has reacted like you, I wouldn't have told her anything and would hide things in the future.

Have you forgotten what it’s like when you first discovered sex

Of course when they have time to themselves that is very much likely what they shall be up to. Your house, his house, in a park, in a car they will think no one will see them and are consumed with raging hormones

Don’t be angry with her she is growing up she isn’t doing anything wrong it’s best keep the conversations to contraception and looking after herself and her boundaries and her expectations

If your 10 year old walks in, she walks in. She shouldn’t because she needs to learn about boundaries and knocking on the door especially when her sister has guests. A lot of 10 yos know the basics of sex and she won’t be the first child to do this.

In all of this what does your dd say? You’ve talked about what you’ve said. Is she a quiet person?

Unfortunately he’s using her for sex, there’s no relationship there.

They could both be using each other. She might enjoy casual sex just as much as he does and not really see this as a bf/gf relationship anyway despite the OP’s distaste for him

Well maybe her dad will have an idea what they are up to and will avoid knocking on her door (I’m sure he doesn’t really want to know)

As for her younger sister she needs to learn that her sister can have time to herself I’m sure they put something against the door so she can’t barge in

And they will do what everyone else does quickly get dress and over act that they were just doing nothing

No one is going to walk in on her having sex if they knock on her door and wait to be invited in.

I’m afraid you have messed up here. Your adult daughter is been used for sex and you have just pushed her away and made her feel bad about herself at the time when she could do with a friendly ear. You need to apologise.

Okay, realistically think about how you acted, do you think your reaction was a positive experience for your daughter? If your answer is no she is likely not going to be open with you in thr future because she will remember how you reacted this time.

Unless she has severe SN a ten year old knows its rude to walk into someones bedroom without permission.

You say you don’t like them having sex when you’re in the house, does this mean you all move out at night time? She probably doesn’t like the idea of you having sex in the house, but its a normal part of a relationship for many people, be it a serious or casual one.

I think you did fine with the ''well done with the condoms and i'll go with you to get you on the pill if you'd like'' bit, but should have kept the convo about the day time sex till later. A couple of weeks later.

The boyfriend convo a couple of weeks after that.

I think you went in too hard to soon. Softly softly.

Yeah "her sister could walk in" is a terrible argument. Her sister should learn to knock and respect boundaries. If she walks in that will be a swift lesson for her! I echo others, when the hell else should she have sex? In a park? In the back of his car? Really badly handled. Get her the book "women don't owe you pretty" by Florence Given and let her realise her self worth. I think it would help.

A 10 year old is old enough to be taught to knock on a door and respect privacy

Sounds like a normal teenage relationship to me. Complicated by lockdown. It is not nice to think of them having sex with others in the house, but many teenagers will have done this.

Don't criticise her relationship, you'll push her further to him. It's easy for us to see as parents but she needs to find this out herself.
Would you rather she had sex outside for someone to film and slash over social media? Better to be safe at home. A ten year old should understand boundaries as my 6 year old wouldn't barge into my teens room.

I find all the “using her for sex” comments bit weird
Are females not allowed to want - enjoy - seek out sexual pleasure?
At 17+ I “used” men for my pleasure! Hopefully usually it was mutual

I actually really pity the young generation in this lockdown situation. It’s summer, they’ve not had a normal social life for weeks. When I was her age I had passed my driving test, had a part time job in a restaurant, spent my days gallivanting around the countryside in my car, days on the beach with friends, evenings working, late evenings out and about. I had a boyfriend (we also had sex during the day in peoples houses), I went out to pubs and bars, and clubs. I had a fun and normal adolescent existence and I can’t imagine being locked inside for weeks on end just waiting for life to begin!

It's her body and her choice when and if she wishes to have sex. You were extremely disrespectful to expect her to answer you anymore than if a guest or other family member chose to have sex without informing you first.
If it's your home, demand she has no guests upstairs. He sounds like he's using your daughter and using your home. He has no interest in being part of her life so don't let him use your home as such.
But perhaps the reason why your daughter feels it's okay for him to treat her this way is because you treat her as if you own her, which you don't.

Difficult one. I would probably feel the same as you but you need to put yourself in her shoes.
When I was 17 I was having a great time and most definitely had sex in my home, and definitely when other people were in the house. Now I'm not saying that this is OK, but i would rather this than taking risks elsewhere.
She's 17, basically an adult, and will work out in her own time that he's not really into her. We all go through it

BUT HER 10 YEAR OLD SISTER MAY NOT.

Then you need to work to make sure that your 10-year-old doesn't wander into bedrooms uninvited.

It's good that you've apologised, but she's unlikely to confide in you for a long while now.

The key thing when a young person is dating someone who isn't treating them well is to never actively say "I think X is wrong because Y and Z". It's about guiding them to realise themselves that they can do better, and deserve better.

All that slagging off a boyfriend or friend does is get the young person's back up and make them defensive. It also means they're unlikely to talk to you if they do start feeling problems.

Her sex life is none of your business, especially when she's clearly capable of being discreet about it.

And regards the younger sister, can you not put a bolt on the door? I had a lock on mine and so did my boyfriend at his house. For other people's benefit and also mine as I couldn't relax thinking people could walk in

Put a lock on the door for her sister? 10yrs old is old enough to knock tbh. How do you copr with the risk of them walking in pn you?

Her father is presumably not an idiot, two teenagers in a bedroom with the door closed is plainly obvious whats going on, and he will most likely avoid knocking

To add, l twice walked in on my elder sister having sex, once on holiday when we shared an hotel room and once at home when she forgot to lock the door (we both had locks from around 15), and once walked in on my parents. Neither left me scarred for life. I went on to become an older teenager who locked the door if l was going to have sex with someone and later a sex positive adult.

Hormones at that age are bubbling. Mum and dad taught us that if it didn't feel nice and if we didn’t want to do something, don’t. We were warned about “bad boys”. But sister and l were never taught sex is wrong.

As for sex during the day, l still prefer it to something you do, just before you go to sleep!

As for the condoms, smart girls carry condoms! Good on her.

To be honest if you think he treats her like shit then I’d rather be in the house, you’re there if she needs help. Now she might go somewhere else where she doesn’t feel comfortable or safe. I think YABU.