Aibu? 5yo at bedtime

[StormsDontLastForever]

I am a mum to my dd 5 every night at bedtime dd won't settle unless I am in my own room upstairs (next to hers) or she is in beside me. When I am in my room and she is in hers she keeps coming into my room literally every 5 mins. Over the past few years I have gone upstairs at the same time as her bedtime and watched tv in my bed while dp sits downstairs, I feel like I am missing out on chill time to myself as if I sit downstairs she is downstairs every 2 mins wanting to know what I'm doing etc, that I give in and end up letting her cuddle up on the couch or I go upstairs, when this happens she doesn't fall asleep until after 10pm and by then I'm too exhausted to watch any tv or anything. Aibu to insist she stays upstairs in her bed while I watch some tv downstairs in my livingroom? (Some stuff on tv is just not for kids). Although I feel bad when she says she wants me etc. All lights are on upstairs and she has her tv on in her room, I feel like a terrible mum when I don't let her come in beside me but I just feel like I need a break

YANBU to leave her up there and insist she stays there. Star chart/rewards, whatever, to help her stay there rather than every one of your evenings being ruined. Is your DP not helping?

Of course you deserve a break, that sounds tough! Someone will come long with better advice I’m sure. But we have a stairgate on our 2 year olds door to stop her coming out at bedtime (it can always be left open once they’re asleep) We wouldn’t ever leave her distressed but she may whinge them get into bed. We won’t ever bring her back downstairs so I think you need to slowly work on setting that boundary. Bedtime is bedtime and you stay in her room. 5 sounds very young for a tv in her room too. Obviously if she has additional needs or a reason she’s getting upset, that’s different but I think routine needs to be firm and consistent xx

I sit in my 5yr olds room with him (he is undergoing an asd diagnosis) but he knows if he messes around or isnt asleep by 8 then i will go downstairs and he has to stay in bed

My ds is nearly 5yo and I still have to stay with him until he's asleep. Sometimes it can take 20 mins, sometimes 3 bloody hours. NOTHING will entice him to stay in bed by himself. And if he wakes in the night (every night, around 4am, sometimes 5) and realises he's by himself, he calls for me until I go into him. It's exhausting, but he genuinely gets distressed by himself. I'm hoping he'll grow out of it soon. I feel quite resentful sometimes and dread bedtimes.

Honestly, be a bit mean and make her stay in her room. Use a reward chart etc as pp have said.

I didnt tackle this problem early enough and I now have a 7yo dc who wont go to sleep unless I am there. It's a nightmare for the same reasons you have now. Honestly, get it fixed asap as from my experience it doesnt get any better.

I'm just about to have a cup of tea and go up and sit with DC until they fall asleep. By that point I will be shattered and ready for bed myself. Zero time in the evening to sit and enjoy a bit of telly etc.

Ps, I'm still trying to sort out dc but seems harder as they get older!

What routine do you have...dinner, bath, story, bed?
I am assuming she is not allowed to watch tv of an evening in her room?
Bedrooms should be for sleep only and I am totally against young children having a tv or gadgets in their bedrooms. Far too young.

Do you say she has a TV on in her room while she's going to sleep? That's probably not going to help her get sleepy easily. How does she know you're in your room as opposed to downstairs? Can she see you through the door or is it just because she can hear the telly on in your room? As a last resort, you could always try just putting the telly on in your room and hoping she thinks you're actually in there?

It’s not always the popular opinion on here OP-but I would get tough with her (mum of three dc here, my youngest now 7 is a shocker at getting out of bed and faffing around in the evenings).

Some kids genuinely have anxieties or SN that means bedtime is a genuine stress and needs gentle handling. Lots of others simply try it on and take the piss. I obviously don’t know which camp your DD falls into but if your feeling is that she’s in the taking the piss camp, get tough. Don’t give in and let her snuggle on the couch, that’s what she’s banking on. You absolutely need to be able to have proper chill out time in the evenings.

My 7yo gets 3 “strikes” (needs a drink/needs a hug/needs to discuss urgent pokemon matters etc etc) and then I get cross. I will tell him quite matter of factly that I am tired, that he needs to lie quietly and go to sleep, that he is ruining my evening by faffing around and that if he carries on then I will be too tired to do nice activities with him next day. I have no qualms about getting cross - I only shout as an absolute last resort but if I have to I will.

BUT and I stress this, there are no underlying health issues and anxieties in our case. If there were I’d take a gentler approach but it would be a gradual withdrawal thing if I had to (and have done this with eldest who has SEN in the past).

It’s not a popular MN opinion, and I’ll probably be flamed for even expressing it, but I think the ability to fall asleep independently, feeling happy and secure in their own company (plus eleventy million soft toys or whatever!) is a great gift to give a child.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I don't know how to reply individually. Yes she has a tv in her room but only as a treat occasionally and it's switched off by 7pm. It just feels so exhausting never having any "me" time, but I feel like I'm a bad mum when she try's all the tricks in the book lol. I'm downstairs just now and she is upstairs so hopefully she stays settled upstairs for a while. Thanks again everyone

I put dd5 to bed at 7.15ish after her bath. I read her a story and sit in her room in the dark until she goes to sleep (reading mumsnet). Generally takes no more than 15 mins. She knows if she messes about that i'll leave to go downstairs and she will have to go to bed by herself which she doesn't like to do.

I have a relative who let their child do this and still does. The child is now 10 yrs old! Nip it in the bud

I agree with @FlyingPandas, you need to get tough, otherwise she's never going to learn to go to sleep on her own, and that's rubbish for both of you. By 5 she should be capable of having a story and going to bed without a fuss. I wouldn't let her have a TV in her room, and tell her that you're going to read her a story and go downstairs. If she gets up, take her back to bed. Again and again until she gets the message. It will be very hard for a few nights, and you will feel like a cruel and evil mother, when she's sobbing and snorting, but it will be worth it. And if her dad is around, make him do it too, and don't give in once you've started.

It's time to nip this in the bud. Have a conversation with her, not at bedtime, that from now on things are changing, and then stick to it, no matter how much she kicks off. She's done a very good job at training you, now it needs to be the other way round.

Oooo I’m not sure if to be reassured or scare my DS5 is the same, until he was 4 you good read a story and he would go asleep by himself, now he is 5 he gets really frighten by himself so we sit with him (again reading mumsnet) he falls asleep within 15 mins

Lie quietly, don't move and count backwards from 1000 is what my mum told me. If you miscount or move start again. Still do it today if my mind is busy, tricky enough to stop busier thoughts boring enough to fall asleep.

Would adapt it for a 5 year old to something easier, perhaps regular counting? it helped to have a practical solution when unable to sleep.

Also getting yourself to sleep is a life skill, don't feel bad about being a bit more insistant (though I am currently sitting upstairs waiting for 10 year old to fall asleep! Doesnt happen often any more but it is not fun)

I have friends that sit with their kids as they fall asleep. Totally fine if you’re happy with that arrangement. It wouldn’t be my choice, I’m with my kids all day. I am so done by bedtime and I need child -free time. My 5 year old goes to bed at 7.30. He gets 2 books and then the light is off and he falls asleep by himself. If he comes out more than once for toilet/drink/random question he gets pretty sharply told off. He’s usually asleep within 10/15 min and if he wakes in the night he takes himself to the toilet and goes straight back to bed.

Maybe do a reward chart or whatever you think she’ll respond to and start weaning her off you being there at bedtime. So maybe say you’ll be downstairs but you’ll come up in 5 min to check she’s ok, and then gradually increase the time. A good toy/experience if she does x amount of nights going to sleep by herself? Only you know if she genuinely can’t sleep without you or is just pushing her luck. Also why isn’t your partner helping too? I wouldn’t be happy if DH sat on his arse and I was dealing with the kids every single night

@StormsDontLastForever in the same boat here 😩
It's the same with my almost 5yo AND my 8yo, it's really getting to me now so I've had to contact an external source who work alongside my dd's school to try and get help, I've tried everything finally get younger one off after about 45-60 minutes then have my 8yo constantly coming downstairs asking when am I going to bed.

I am speaking to this person Monday so will report back!

Id also go the tough love route OP unless there was underlying health issues or something. 5 is old enough to understand that bedtime means bedtime, not time to piss about. Have you asked why they keep getting up? Is there something theyre worried about?

Yep, I've been there and the only thing that works is tough love. We softened it for DD by giving her fairy lights in her room, but it's a non-negotiable in this house. After bedtime, you're quiet in your room unless your room is on fire or your leg has fallen completely off.

DD is now 10, and also now has quiet music on to fall asleep. DS(5) is starting to pull shenanigans now too, but is quickly returned to his bed with the threat of no iPad the next day. I have no problem with telling them they have the entire day to have my attention but bedtime means I get to recharge too.

is it possible to play some music for her to doze off to? my girls had story tapes that i put on for them at lights out and they loved them they also know all the words to every song of Simon and Garfunkel/"simon and garf" i know tapes are dinosaur age these days but surely something replaces them?

Not much use but I still lay in with my 6yo until he’s asleep. It doesn’t take long (maybe 15 mins? I’m downstairs by 8.15pm) and he doesn’t get up once he’s conked out. I have friends who have kids up and down all evening so I do this rather than the alternative.

5 years old is very old to still be doing this. Time to get firm, I think.

Go out.

Tell her you are going out and that dad will be putting her to bed. Do this regularly. Then once he has achieved it you can start Taking it in turns.

Disclaimer, I still lie with my 9:year old.

We started going up an hour before bed time, playing quietly for that hour, one on one attention. We do a bit of a countdown to, 15 minutes till bedtime, 10 minutes....

DD settles much better now and is in bed either reading quietly to herself or asleep by 7.15pm.

Read story, gentle music on, kiss goodnight and light out or nightlight on.
Tell her it’s bed time and to go to sleep. Regain your evening.