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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is the unreasonable one?

28 replies

Timestwo · 06/08/2020 20:39

I put it you lot, as I just don’t know anymore.
We’ve not long had our third child, a little boy who is just lovely. As with our previous 2, I’m doing the lions share of the childcare and housework, which is fine while I’m on maternity leave.
Tonight however, DH and I have just had a huge falling out. I’ll explain both sides and then you can tell me who is BU.

DH: works full time in a highly stressful job, breadwinner, works Monday to Friday 7-4ish. Going through a particularly bad time at the moment and his mental health is suffering. His argument tonight was that I always bark orders at him, want him to help as soon as he walks through the door and never let him have any free time, always wanting him to do things when he’s so stressed. He says I get free time when the baby naps during the day. He says I have no empathy or understanding.

Me:usually ask DH to feed or hold the baby when he comes in (after 5/10 mins of being home) so I can make dinner. Alternate bath and bedtimes with DH. That’s really the most I ask of him on a week night. I do everything housework related, including all washings and food shopping, as well as sorting school uniforms, haircuts, drs appointments etc. I understand this is a hard time for DH so do everything I can to make his life at home as simple as possible. But equally I feel I don’t get much free time, baby is sleeping horribly at the moment and I’m absolutely exhausted. If I ask DH for help during the week he will absolutely refuse, even for one feed or wake up because he’s working. He does help at the weekend.

Maybe I am unreasonable to expect him to help at night when he’s been at work?

OP posts:
Carriemac · 06/08/2020 20:43

He is being unreasonable

aSofaNearYou · 06/08/2020 20:46

He is being unreasonable.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 06/08/2020 20:48

I work and dh is a sahp. I need a cuppa to re - acclimatise to being home and in child care /chore mode tbh...
Then I join in whatever needs done.

Vodkacranberryplease · 06/08/2020 20:50

Don't cook. Buy ready meals from marks (Ocado now) or get a takeaway. Then you both get done time off. You can't be all things to all people.

And get a cleaner!

billy1966 · 06/08/2020 20:51

He is being unreasonable.
OP, it is full on when they are so small.

I hope you are not bathing every night because I think if that can be avoided at the end of a hard day, I would and did.

It was fast showers too for my children.

Could he take a 10 minute walk around the block before he walks in the door?

Refusing to help at all mid week is very very poor, when you are on your knees.

I'm so sorry. These years can be very tough.Flowers

Original poster
Timestwo · 06/08/2020 20:51

Thanks for responses.
I do also work full time in a fairly stressful job but am currently on maternity leave. I did all the school runs so had to choice but to immediately adapt from employee to mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timestwo · 06/08/2020 20:53

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. It’s just the baby who gets a quick bath every night as it helps his routine, the older kids shower themselves

OP posts:
ellenpartridge · 06/08/2020 20:53

He is being massively unreasonable. So he works only his working hours during the week and has his evenings and nights off but you're on duty non stop except when baby is asleep? That is not fair at all.

Vilanelle · 06/08/2020 20:54

YANBU being at home with baby, cleaning and doing night feeds is bloody exhausting . I have an 8 week old and could never do that all on my own. Well I could but wouldn't want to!

Original poster
Timestwo · 06/08/2020 20:54

And I’ve just reread my post, just to be clear it’s only during the night he refuses to help with feeds etc

OP posts:
Curiosity101 · 06/08/2020 20:54

He is being unreasonable. You work 24/7 Mon-Fri, he wants to work 7-4 Mon-Fri. I wonder if he's fallen into the trap of feeling like he's 'helping' you Mon-Fri rather than realising that actually he's a parent 24/7 and that he is always on call whilever he's not at work.

Admittedly though, you do need to find a set-up that works for both of you. You do both need time off to unwind.

Smellbellina · 06/08/2020 20:55

I think it sounds like you are both being a bit unreasonable and not really taking a moment to consider that you are living quite different lives at the moment and won’t understand each other’s stresses and needs unless you actually listen to each other.
That does though require him to listen to and not just play the feckless ‘all you have to do is look after the kids, it’s so easy blah blah blah’ card

AbsolutWitch · 06/08/2020 20:55

I don't think either of you are unreasonable as such, you're obviously both feeling stressed at the moment.

I'm the full time worker and DP is at home at the moment. Personally I hate being jumped on the minute I walk through the door, need a drink and a few minutes to switch off. However I do bedtime 99% of the time and generally take over with the kids when I'm home so he can chill for a bit and cook dinner. I do definitely do my share of the housework. I think you're being very reasonable trying to make his life easier in that respect.

There have been times however when my mental health has been bad, and an awful day at work has just pushed me too far, and I've felt much the same as your DH probably does now.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 06/08/2020 20:58

He gets home at 4pm and refuses to help? Yikes. Get him to take his parental leave and do what you are doing and you go back to work and do the same thing to him.

JulesCobb · 06/08/2020 20:58

Christ he hardly works long hours. What aN unreasonable baby he is. But seriously,

As with our previous 2, I’m doing the lions share of the childcare and housework as with the previous two. Why did you think he would be different this time? This should have been addressed with the first child.

Moving on, you need to list all the jobs that keep the family and house running. And ask him which he wants total responsibility for. Calmly. Lazy
Arse.

Original poster
Timestwo · 06/08/2020 21:00

He gets home between 4 and 5pm. he doesn’t refuse to help but feels I bark orders at him straight away and he doesn’t get any down time.

I like the idea of getting him to take a walk but he just wants to sit down and not be bothered by any of us for I don’t know how long. I’d also quite like that mind

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 06/08/2020 21:00

Really tricky.
I can’t imagine being in a stressful job where I’m out of the house for over 12 hours ( my husband, at the time,) and then walk through the door to be barked at by partner about how hard it is and for partner to take over.
It sounds like you’re overwhelmed.

I napped when my children napped and if they didn’t nap then our house was messy and house stuff didn’t get done. Meals were whatever and washing got done whenever.
There is light at the end of the tunnel but please don’t bark at your partner when he gets home.

Can you imagine if you were a frontline carer / medical practitioner who’d just worked a 10 hour shift watching patients struggle for their lives and then you went home and was barked at.
Or a warehouse worker who’s had double the number of ambient deliveries that needed storage when there was none, but you were barked at.
Then you went home to have your partner complain that you weren’t doing enough.

JulesCobb · 06/08/2020 21:02

she is hardly barking at him. She asked him to hold the baby. So she can make dinner.

Maybe ask him to let you know when he is ready to hold the baby and then you will start dinner.

Original poster
Timestwo · 06/08/2020 21:03

I absolutely do not bark orders at him, he perceives it that. For example I’ll say, would you mind holding/feeding the baby so I can get tea on? Or I’ll say if you could load the dishwasher, I’ll clean the rest of the kitchen. Every night I give him the option of bath or bed for baby. I really really don’t bark orders at him.

OP posts:
tigger001 · 06/08/2020 21:05

I think he is unreasonable to be refusing of holding and helping baby after returning from work, surely with 3 kids there are lots of things he can get stuck into.

How old are the other kids ??

A slow cooker will be your friend and you don't be bathing the kids every night. You can do three times a week between you.

I didn't want my DH getting up through the night while I wasn't going to work in the morning, but he did do breakfast so I got a lie in a few times a week.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 06/08/2020 21:09

How about for a couple of days just don't get dinner on & look after your baby & leave him to his own devices when he gets in. And then when he asks what's for dinner just say, huh, no idea, sorry I've been looking after the 3 kids. Or just put a plate of sandwiches in the fridge & throw in a bag of crisps if you're feeling generous.

I'm sure you've been 'on' and working looking after 3 kids & doing all housekeeping things from 7-4 as well after all. Hang in there, it's hard but hopefully will get easier

Wowcherarestalkingme · 06/08/2020 21:11

This is the only thing my DH and I argue about. It usually starts as a competition if who is the most tired. Now if it comes up we quickly have to stop it as neither of us can say they are more tired or stressed or busy than the other as we don’t know what each other’s day has been like. I agree sometimes you need to come home and have a bit of time to just sit and before helping with the kids but I’ll be honest, I have text him before to say when are you coming home as I need five minutes peace. We are starting to realise that we both have it tough and we both need to give each other a break as well as help each other with the jobs. It’s hard as there is no easy solution

Vodkacranberryplease · 06/08/2020 21:16

You don't need to be a domestic goddess. The dishes can wait and you will both survive some times without home cooked food. I hate cooking and have found many ways to get hot food without doing much at all. Will he care? Probably not if he gets a relaxed life.

And a few hours of a cleaner in takes the pressure off too. You need to be positioned as a team - and to both get some time out. For the sake of a few ready meals/easy suppers/takeaways it's worth it,

vivaladivagigi · 06/08/2020 21:21

I think you both need to see each other's points of view and meet in the middle. Neither of you are being unreasonable, you're both tired and stressed. Working is stressful. Being at home with a new baby and sorting older kids is stressful. Neither of you have much free time if he is helping when he gets home and doing his fair share at weekend.

Suggestion:

  • DH has a set job every night so you don't have to bark orders or ask him anything. E.g. he does the bath as soon as he comes in and then sits down to chill.
  • You agree to recognise how he feels not make it seem like you're having a go at him as soon as you walk in.
  • You do most nights as you are in mayternity leave, but your husband does 1 night a week at the weekend to give you a break and a lie in.
  • Can DH get up with the baby before work a few days a week to give you a rest?
  • Let the house be messier.
  • Batch cook, ready meals, freezer food!

All just suggestions but you can tailor a plan to your family. Me and my DH set out expectations and roles to reduce nagging and it worked.

Darkestseasonofall · 06/08/2020 21:23

I'm on mat leave with a 9 month old and a 3 year old, and my DP is given them both the minute he walks in.
5pm is witching hour in our house, kids getting whiney and cranky, dinner needing to be cooked etc.
He used to object and want some downtime fucking about on his phone or doing a 20 minute poo, but now realises that if he doesn't get stuck in we won't get fed, or get an evening together at all as the kids won't be in bed for a reasonable time. He only gets to see them for 90 minutes or so weekdays, so he's accepted that he needs to muck in if he wants anything resembling a vaguely harmonious life.
When I'm not on mat leave I'm straight from work to swimming lessons / dance lessons or whatever, I haven't the luxury of me time or zoning out, so I'm not sure how he'd carve that time out either.

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