I'm a perfectionist and see the faults in everything ...

[questioningquestions]

And it makes life really hard and at times quite joyless.

It's mainly with material things so my house and garden, it's contents, my car...I manage not to do it too much to clothes, but honestly I see faults everywhere.

I've recently decorated at home. Where others would see a nicely painted room, I see every flaw. I've just paid for some garden work - same. I could tell you every fault in every room of my home, every blemish on the furniture, every catch in the carpet.

I'm generally a happyish person, I've felt very isolated since March as I don't have any close friends so work was kind of a social outlet. But this spotting flaws has gone on for as long as I can remember. When I was at school/ college it was more to do with appearance, and presentation. During an exam once I remember deciding my writing was too untidy, so scrapping the entire page and starting again. Fortunately I had enough time. But as I've got older it's become more surroundings based, although I do still throw away half written Christmas cards if I decide the handwriting looks wrong or I've written a sub par message.

Is there a way to become more laid back about this stuff, to care less? My partner and adult children are very much of the if it works and is clean it's fine. And to be honest being males the clean part is rather a nice to have not an essential.

I bought a mug the other day but couldn't enjoy having a new mug because I'm already preparing myself for it breaking or chipping or whatever. And that's just a mug. You can imagine what I'm like with bigger purchases.

I have a friend who sounds very similar OP but she has OCD.

I have this tendency too OP and for me its definitely anxiety based.

I find having a daily gratitude practice helps, and also working on keeping a sense of perspective - thinking about how lucky I am compared to most people at most times in history.

But just being aware of it is a good start - it gives you the chance to stop and question your reaction, ask yourself if you can see the good as well as the bad. Over time this gets easier and more natural.

Hmmmm a sort of discontentment?

You can't do that moderne live in the moment thing if you're already pondering the what ifs and frowning at flaws.

Yoga and mindfulness might help recentre your outlook?

It all sounds quite miserable for you.

It's definitely got worse as I've got older, particularly since 40 I think. I remember the first house I owned in my 20s (and redecorated single handed) I must have done no more than an average job but I loved it and was happy there. I don't remember the flaws getting to me in the same way.

I've lived in my current house for 10 years and I don't remember feeling like this when I first lived here either. Maybe a little, but it's definitely getting worse.

It makes life difficult because any job I pay to have completed I'm never happy with, but I don't know if that's my issue or it is actually a shit job.

I think social media doesn't help. I spend a lot of time on 'home' accounts on Insta and FB where they all have beautiful houses and every single thing has been completed flawlessly. Then I look at my house and it makes me want to cry.

I totally get what you’re saying. I’m the same. Example - had a new stairs carpet laid in January after 5 years of hating the one which came with the house. Cost a fortune, but a couole of the edges on the landing are a bit bumpy. No one (and I mean NO one) would notice. Its the first thing I see everytime I go up the stairs. I even got the fitter back to fix it (he must have thought I was mad) and its better, but still not perfect. I notice everything. And if its not 100% perfect I’m not happy. I had CBT therapy recently for something else, and this perfecrionist tendency came out and it was really interesting how the therapist thinks that its arisen from childhood where my parents never really praised me, so I try to be perfect as a result.

I’m still doing it despite the therapy though...

I find fault in everything I do or have (rubbish job/house/garden... life not lived upto expectations..) objectively its not amazing (ex council house, struggle with fill time work) BUT like previous poster counsellingnhas helped me see its my "critical parent" voice rhat constantly criticises me and I need to exorcise it. Somewhow...

That sounds exhausting OP
I get like this sometimes.Its always way worse when I'm depressed. Its down to having an ultra critical mother who left me feeling not good enough as she picked apart my looks,my character, my clothes,my interests etc. Now I consciously stop myself obsessing & go do something I enjoy instead .And there's always someone with more money or nicer stuff,so just go for their taste if you like it,but high street versions instead,it looks just as good . Life isn't perfect,we aren't perfect. Perfect can be roo try hard,a bit fake, too manufactured & boring IMO.

I'd be exactly the same about the carpet! I completely understand. The only difference is I wouldn't have got anyone back out (because I'm so used to being told there's nothing there/ it's fine).

My parents praised me constantly, told me there was nothing I couldn't do, encouraged me to do well at school. I think this must just come from within me, this desire for everything to be perfect.

The thing is, OP, you're not alone. Lots of people notice flaws all the time. However, a lot of people notice the flaws and either do something about it, or don't do anything and don't give it much more thought. Either way, they move on.

I'm the same and wish I wasn't. Just had house redecorated and new carpet and I see every mark and bump. The decorator was crap which didn't help (at least I thought so).

As with 80% of posts on here, the answer is pretty simple - get ye to a therapist.

@wigglerose

The thing is, OP, you're not alone. Lots of people notice flaws all the time. However, a lot of people notice the flaws and either do something about it, or don't do anything and don't give it much more thought. Either way, they move on.

This has to be the least helpful thing I've ever read on Mumsnet

Aim for excellence, not perfection. One of them is possible, one of them isn't.

I’m the same but we take a long time between various home improvements and as it’s invariably a big expense, it has to be just right.

Our last project was the bathroom, which involved the usual array of choices - new tiles, fittings etc. It’s a definite improvement on the previous bathroom, but the one thing I notice every time I go in there is the shower valve that’s about a millimetre out of line!

Stop using social media.

But the images you see on Instagram are bound to be perfect. If you were in the actual room there would be flaws. I would suggest ditching social media like Instagram but I would also wonder if a chat with your doctor might be a good idea. It sounds as if this is new for you and it's negatively impacting on your life.

It's been about the last 7-8 years. I think I did it a bit before that but it's definitely got worse since then. That coincides with me turning 40 and doing works to the house, both professional and done by me.

@questioningquestions

I think social media doesn't help. I spend a lot of time on 'home' accounts on Insta and FB where they all have beautiful houses and every single thing has been completed flawlessly. Then I look at my house and it makes me want to cry.

There's one thing you can do, stop looking at phoney social media rubbish. I understand that a lot of these people spend their lives begging, demanding stuff for the publicity and companies are idiotic enough to allow themselces to be blackmailed. I seriously think that a large percentage of mental health problems could be sorted by less social-meeja worship.

Brene brown has a good talk about this on YouTube

I really struggle with perfectionism at work, anyone who thinks being a perfectionist is a good thing is wrong!

I recently found an online self-help course which I'm working through. I've found it quite useful at properly identifying the perfectionistic behaviour and thinking that I do. I'm now working on trying to reduce those behaviours.

The course is called "perfectionism in perspective", if you can't find it let me know and I'll get the link.

I'm like this. It's joyless. I hate myself because I'm hyper-aware of all my flaws. I cull friends because all I can see are their flaws.

I have enough self-awareness not to verbalise this to anyone else. I don't think anyone outside my immediate family would know, but I wish it wasn't so.

I have always been like this. It is hard to explain. If I walk into a room it is like every slightly wrong thing is lit up in neon.

My husbands the same. I used to be, I'm autistic with OCD I think having the diagnosis helped me go "that's just your autism talking, its fine" whereas my husband believes that it is actually a major issue that the wallpaper isn't exactly level. It really doesn't matter, it looks better than before, it isn't going to harm anyone, it's really very insignificant. It actually means he wastes so much time and causes himself so much stress with every small task he has to do and actually ruins things by trying to perfect them. Everytime you see something imperfect look at something else and thing something positive.

Like PP have said, it's good that you have been able to acknowledge these behaviours. I try not to see any thoughts as inherently good or bad, they're simply thoughts, if you see what I mean but these ones seem to be taking the joy out of life. Where do you think they might be coming from?

Before you consider taking this further, maybe it will help to write a log each time you feel/think one of these thoughts. Becoming even more aware of them might help to externalise them and you could sort of push them away if possible or learn more about when they occur. My DH has this tendency and that has helped him (a bit).

If the thoughts are really taking over, maybe talk to your GP about options for some help. There is online/phone counselling know by the NHS that looks really good.

🌷it must be horrible for you.

Comparison is the thief of joy but the hard thing here is you do not seem to be comparing yourself to others but to an internal set of (probably) impossible standards. However, I would rather care too much than not at all so there might be a bit of comfort there.

I have a framed print that says comparison is the thief of joy on my wall. I try not to compare myself to other people as much now, I try not to obsess over their career, material and financial successes and I am much better at not doing that now, it's much more focused on my home and my own impossibly high standards.

i do get upset when things aren't perfect, it actually stops me from completing tasks around the house (whether myself or getting a tradesman in) because I know its not going to turn out well enough whatever I do. it's quite frustrating.