I'm a perfectionist and see the faults in everything ...

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And it makes life really hard and at times quite joyless.

It's mainly with material things so my house and garden, it's contents, my car...I manage not to do it too much to clothes, but honestly I see faults everywhere.

I've recently decorated at home. Where others would see a nicely painted room, I see every flaw. I've just paid for some garden work - same. I could tell you every fault in every room of my home, every blemish on the furniture, every catch in the carpet.

I'm generally a happyish person, I've felt very isolated since March as I don't have any close friends so work was kind of a social outlet. But this spotting flaws has gone on for as long as I can remember. When I was at school/ college it was more to do with appearance, and presentation. During an exam once I remember deciding my writing was too untidy, so scrapping the entire page and starting again. Fortunately I had enough time. But as I've got older it's become more surroundings based, although I do still throw away half written Christmas cards if I decide the handwriting looks wrong or I've written a sub par message.

Is there a way to become more laid back about this stuff, to care less? My partner and adult children are very much of the if it works and is clean it's fine. And to be honest being males the clean part is rather a nice to have not an essential.

I bought a mug the other day but couldn't enjoy having a new mug because I'm already preparing myself for it breaking or chipping or whatever. And that's just a mug. You can imagine what I'm like with bigger purchases.

I'm like this OP.
I have just done a load of remedial work in our conservatory and my DH says I am never pleased about anything. That's because I can see what I should have done better.

I expect what I do to be perfect. That's my standard. Most of the time what I do does meet my high standards. But I know where the flaws in the decorating are etc etc too!!!!

Our DS [28] is also like this. He had a long phone chat with me the other day and said at work they are developing some new software and he can see all the flaws in it and that it could have been done so much better!!!! He said he felt he couldn't bring up all the issues as he sounded like a party pooper. But it was frustrating for him because if he had been involved [it's not part of his job but he has so much knowledge about it all] it could have been done differently and saved the business money in wasted hours etc etc

I told him I was sorry that he expected perfection and that he had probably got that from me!!!

I also know that a tradesman is not going to do such a good job as me. DH paid for some painting to be done in our hall and it wasn't up to my standards - I just hadn't got the time to do it though. Annoying that we had to pay for something I could do better at no cost.

I just live with it.

Don't you find it rather arrogant though?
I can do better than everyone else isn't a fact.
It's an opinion.
You may think you're the bees knees but someone else may look at your results and consider them below par by their standards.

I'm also like this. Even when driving I find myself looking at the verges thinking those bushes need trimming, that sign needs straightening or that garden needs tidying etc On days out with the kids I can sort of be enjoying it but always end up thinking it would be better if that was changed or so-and-so was improved.

Don't you find it rather arrogant though?
I can do better than everyone else isn't a fact.
It's an opinion.
Sometimes it's a fact.

You sound like me OP. I have an OCD diagnosis and found medication has helped. Might not be the case with you as I also have counting compulsions but might be worth looking into. Sorry if this has already been said.

I am sure this is linked to anxiety and wanting to control things so you are "safe".

This thread is very interesting to me, OP - my mum is like you but I'm the opposite so I find her behaviour really difficult. She would describe herself as a perfectionist but to me it just looks like she doesn't have the confidence to be satisfied with good enough. Her critical behaviour can be quite poisonous and hard to deal with at times, so it's actually really helpful to read that it might be related to her frankly appalling childhood. I could give lots of examples but here is one: when I told her details of my DS's glowing school report (really proper glowing) - she said "But did the teacher not say anything about his weaknesses?" Or when she showed me the enormous pile of bday cards she just got for a big bday (there must have been 100 of them) she said "But you just notice the ones you don't get - your cousin didn't send one." (He is lovely but suffers from depression and struggles with some stuff like that.)

I suppose I always want to say to her that what she considers perfectionism is actually the opposite. She ruins a lot of things by snarking at them and not being able to accept imperfect things/people. She's also very looks-centred - she's often more bothered by how people look than what they are like.

I think it's great that you are so self aware - I'm sure you can get help to adjust your thinking in this way. You sound lovely

I don't think it's arrogant - some things, work related, I probably am arrogant. but stuff like decorating or tiling or gardening or kitchen fitting or whatever, it's not so much I can do a perfect job (I can't at any of those things) but I know that what has been done is far from perfect and although perhaps better than I might have achieved, it's still not right. and all I see are the flaws.

i try not to suck the joy from other peoples lives. My partner is something of a perfectionist in relation to work, he is very good at what he does and unpicking other peoples poor work really frustrates him, but this makes sense because in the tech field he's in, if you don't do all the steps correctly, cut corners etc then ultimately what you're trying to build doesn't work (so it's perfectionism born of necessity in a way, unlike me flapping about a mark on a wall or a flaw in material or whatever). In everything else he is completely laissez faire. I wish I was more like that!

I think part of it is linked to money. I grew up quite poor, my Ex left me in a heap of debt and with a house that needed a lot of work. I am ok now financially but I am cautious about spending money, work I do to the house I always am thinking of resale, will it pay for itself, am I spending too much. I've also had some fairly poor tradesmen over the years - unrelated to cost tbh, I think it's geographical I live just outside London and people here are quite slapdash. I have a friend in the NorthEast who's done a full house refurb and the tradesmen she's had have done an amazing job (I know because I looked for flaws and could find none!)

My grandmother was like this. She was actually diagnosed with autism later in life. She had CBT to help but it didn’t really work- that said she wasn’t very open to change or taking the therapists advice.

I do wonder sometimes about myself, I have awful concentration, am always doing 20 things at once, plus the perfectionism. I've always been a bit unfocused at work, what I do I find very easy so am able (because it involves a lot of reading and I'm a very quick reader) to get by because I was quicker than other people at doing it, so I could spend 2 hours unproductively and still produce what I needed to. Harder now as my work has changed a little. I suffer in personal matters with a lot of decision paralysis and i'm also highly sensitive to criticism.

I used to have little rituals that I had to do when I was younger around locking doors etc but I somehow managed to train myself out of a lot of them. From things I have read in recent years I think I do have some autistic/ ADHD traits, but then I suppose a lot of us do.

"From things I have read in recent years I think I do have some autistic/ ADHD traits, but then I suppose a lot of us do."

Lots of people will have some traits that can be associated with ADHD or Autism, but it's when there are lots of traits and they interrupt normal daily life that it matters.

Whatever the origin, it sounds like you are struggling with some aspects of your thoughts, so you may need to chat it over with the GP.

Unfortunately my GP surgery are not particularly helpful for non physical ailments, certainly that's been my past experience when I tried to seek help with anxiety and depression a few years ago. The advice then was (after signing me off work for 2 weeks) that I shouldn't 'expect' to be signed off again and I needed to return to work and help myself.

You can self refer in our area for counselling etc but it's all group therapy for budget reasons (and I don't think post Covid they're even providing that now) and only covers certain issues. I think I'm just going to have to find some way to get over it myself. Or just get used to the constant sense of disappointment I feel in everything.

What you have described is exactly me.
We’re having an extension next year and I’m dreading that ‘it isn’t perfect’ feeling. It does suck the joy out of everything. My dh gets so fed up with my perfectionism.

Social media is depressing staring at beautiful things, step away from SM it is such a waste, life is precious as long as you're healthy.
I'd speak to a professional if it is consuming you I've no experience of OCD it must be very difficult and draining.

If you ask for a referral for ASD/ADHD, you should be able to get somewhere. My DH did recently and it's made a big difference to our lives.