My DM complaining she has not alot of time to do chores

[Rosegoldlilly1]

She's been a SAHM since I was born so almost 30 years. I moved out 5 years ago and my DSis moved out 7 years ago. Her and my DF live a good life. Have a very good social life.
Recently since the easing of lockdown I've had to do some hours at work again, unfortunately I couldn't get his regular childcare again and I'm a single mum too. So she looks after him max 8 hours per week. Before the pandemic she told me and my Dsis she refuses to look after our children while we work at all. Which fine she's doesn't have to but I know alot of grandparents that help. She spends one afternoon with my DSis and works for my dad 3 hours per week. She also visits her DM but that's one morning per week.
She's just been moaning at my how she has no time and is struggling to keep on top of chores.
Many times she's flamed me for not being on top of housework or ironing or gardening and I think how cheeky you're now saying this when I was trying to tell you how hard it is to work, look after a child and do chores as well as all the other stuff. She still has plenty of free time to do as she wishes.
AIBU that I'm annoyed she's said this to me. I don't have alot of sympathy when I literally have no spare time what so ever.

What she’s really saying is she doesn’t want to do childcare.

Look, you’re right - that’s exactly why it’s hard to have kids, work, keep your house in order (I certainly don’t manage). But she’s doing you a favour right now which makes things a lot trickier - the only way to stop it is to stop using her!

Yes I know she is doing me a massive favour atm and I am grateful. However it was either work or lose my job. This is only temp until September when I change career.
I just think if my DM had a full time job how would she cope?

She’s being quite selfish actually. So does she now only see your ds when she’s ‘babysitting’? So doesn’t she want to spend time with your ds? You’re not really asking a lot of her tbh. And yes of course it’s her right not to want to be a child minded of course. Does she have health reasons she doesn’t want to watch him? My dh mum has a completely full diary , two small jobs she loves, Pilates and other stuff she does. She’s never in. Rarely visits the kids or invites them over. But she has taken kids away for weekend, taken to a concert type thing , taken for girly day and stuff. But that was when they were smaller. Doesn’t do much for them now and doesn’t call face time or visit. But wonders why the kids don’t want to see her when she never puts the effort in to see them. And let’s remember, she is the adult. She is the gran. She should WWANT to see her grandkids. But she’s put a big gap between them now and they are
Kids. Out of sight, out of mind.

She should WANT to see her grandkids

Should she?

I never understand the MN mantra that one has to be grateful for one's offspring procreating and spend lots of time with them. I have one child for very good reasons. I will not be impressed if he has four kids and then he and their mum expect me to look after them. It will not be happening.

I do sympathise OP, as a single parent you need all the help you can get! I would help my kids out, and I'd find the moaning so frustrating. Just not sure what you can do.

@Thislittlelady

She’s being quite selfish actually. So does she now only see your ds when she’s ‘babysitting’? So doesn’t she want to spend time with your ds? You’re not really asking a lot of her tbh. And yes of course it’s her right not to want to be a child minded of course. Does she have health reasons she doesn’t want to watch him? My dh mum has a completely full diary , two small jobs she loves, Pilates and other stuff she does. She’s never in. Rarely visits the kids or invites them over. But she has taken kids away for weekend, taken to a concert type thing , taken for girly day and stuff. But that was when they were smaller. Doesn’t do much for them now and doesn’t call face time or visit. But wonders why the kids don’t want to see her when she never puts the effort in to see them. And let’s remember, she is the adult. She is the gran. She should WWANT to see her grandkids. But she’s put a big gap between them now and they are Kids. Out of sight, out of mind.

This is such bullshit. This woman has dedicated her entire life to raising children and now that she is done and after many times earning her adult children she didn't want to babysit she is doinf g it nyway. Instead of being eternally grateful she is is being called selfish etc...No just freaking no. It's ok to have a life you enjoynwithout.grandkids stuck up her ass.

@cologne4711

She should WANT to see her grandkids

Should she?

I never understand the MN mantra that one has to be grateful for one's offspring procreating and spend lots of time with them. I have one child for very good reasons. I will not be impressed if he has four kids and then he and their mum expect me to look after them. It will not be happening.

Exactly. Why should women be stuck raising their children and then being forced to help.raise grandchildren but when they aren't extremely happy about it they are called selfish . That is freaking ridiculous

@Rosegoldlilly1

Yes I know she is doing me a massive favour atm and I am grateful. However it was either work or lose my job. This is only temp until September when I change career. I just think if my DM had a full time job how would she cope?

But you have made those choices, she's chosen a different life for her and actually she's raised her children. You're judging her choices by your standards, when actually you should be judging your own situation. You chose to have a child. You chose the life you have. Just because you feel yours is harder than hers, don't discount her 30 plus years and then begrudge her having a more chilled approach. My mum has always been a sahm and housewife. She doesn't understand how it's stressful juggling all she did plus a job. But I don't begrudge her this. I made my choices and she hers.

I’m probably a similar age to your DM and also don’t work. That doesn’t mean I have endless ‘free time’ because I plan my diary to keep fairly busy. So if I had to look after grandchildren I would have to cancel or rearrange other plans to do so. I’d probably also find it less easy to get other stuff done.

That doesn’t mean you can’t feel irritated by her attitude but to be fair she’s done her stint at the coalface and is entitled to a more leisurely pace of life.

As you say you just have to be grateful and do whatever you can to make it easier for her. It’s only a few more weeks.

Well, it depends how those hours are distributed, doesn't it. Half day with sister, half day, or two half days working for dad, how many days are those 8 hours of child care spread over? I was offered a job that was only 5 hours a week. Trouble was, it was one hour a day, so would have buggered up every day, plus travel time. Is there something like this going on? Is she finding it stressful having to do the mental juggling?

I have no one at all for childcare. My mother can’t help. My in laws live too far away

I literally have to hire a childminder.

Maybe do this?

Oh, and I missed the half day with her own mum. She's doing her bit, I'd say.

How old is your dm?
My dh and I look after our dgs in the summer holidays but I do feel more tired than I did and I'm just 62. There's a reason women have a menopause.

I'm sorry, but your DM is as entitled to have a moan as anyone else.

So what if she has been a SAHM ? So what if she only works 3 hrs a week ? Why on earth should that mean that she cannot have a moan?

By that way of thinking, if you get migraines, then no-one can ever moan to you that they've got a headache ?? Grow up.

She made her own life decisions and has lived quite happily raising her family. She still has regular commitments to her DM, DH and her DC, which she does on top of the usual cooking, shopping, cleaning etc so her life IS busy.

If she does not want to fill her days with childminding her DGC, meaning zero time to herself after she's also fulfilled her other family commitments, so what ?? She's DONE her child raising, and is now on the next phase of her life.

You and your DS have also made your own life choices. It's up to you and your partners to find solutions if you think life is too hard right now, not your DM.

Would YOU be happy for your own DC to start telling you that your life is too easy, therefore you should absolutely never moan to them, because they've got it so much worse !!

Fgs she raised her kids, she was a sahm too so she had you 24/7. Dont you think shes done her time?
Doing childcare now is different compared to back then. Did you not read the thread about how that selfish poster expected her 70 year old in laws to be doing activities and taking her child places.
I have a 4yr old and my dps will not do childcare, I'm ok with that. My ds is full on and I know he is hard work as I do know the same with other kids his age.
I dont expect anyone to do any childcare if I'm not paying them to do that.
And I dont want to be babysitting grandchildren later on as well.
She is helping you out enough as is. You should be grateful.

I.can't believe you have the nerve to call your mom cheeky and try to tell I told you so. She knows how hard it is to get chores and raise children at the same time. You are the one being cheeky by asking her to help and by taking up her time for helping you and then you have the nerve to call her cheeky.

You need to find alternative childcare as your Mum clearly doesn't want to do it, and she shouldn't have to either

@Thislittlelady

She’s being quite selfish actually. So does she now only see your ds when she’s ‘babysitting’? So doesn’t she want to spend time with your ds? You’re not really asking a lot of her tbh. And yes of course it’s her right not to want to be a child minded of course. Does she have health reasons she doesn’t want to watch him? My dh mum has a completely full diary , two small jobs she loves, Pilates and other stuff she does. She’s never in. Rarely visits the kids or invites them over. But she has taken kids away for weekend, taken to a concert type thing , taken for girly day and stuff. But that was when they were smaller. Doesn’t do much for them now and doesn’t call face time or visit. But wonders why the kids don’t want to see her when she never puts the effort in to see them. And let’s remember, she is the adult. She is the gran. She should WWANT to see her grandkids. But she’s put a big gap between them now and they are Kids. Out of sight, out of mind.

Wow...just wow

People saying she is within her rights not to want to "raise more kids" are right. Except for the fcat that you aren't asking her to do that! In a one off shit situation where we have all found ourselves stuck, it wouldn't hurt for her to watch him for a few hours a week.
She doesn't want to do it though so any chance you can afford a holiday club for 8 hours a week? IT can't be fun having to spend time with someone who doesn't want you there.

Did you not read the thread about how that selfish poster expected her 70 year old in laws to be doing activities and taking her child places.
^
That poster quickly realised she was BU, and it turned into a pleasant thread.

I don't imagine I'd have much of a problem caring for my grandchildren when the time comes. I'll certainly decide against it though if my children suggest that I have some kind of moral obligation to child mind for them. The cheek! There's absolutely no right for anybody to expect their parents to look after their children for them. If your mum is complaining about how little time she feels she has, try to show some understanding and tell her you're grateful and that it won't be forever.

"I don't have alot of sympathy when I literally have no spare time what so ever."

When your children are older, you'll start to get more time to yourself. It will feel great. You won't take kindly to anybody suggesting that you owe them your time after waiting that long just to get your time back.

I can relate because my mum (i made a post two days ago and it turned into a drama) is a nit picker about my home and garden.... But also I can relate because I'm in the minority who don't seem to have parents that help either. It seems most people you meet have the hands on help. But there are quite a few that don't.

I think she is trying to say she doesn't want to helping you which is mean as she should care about the struggle you have right now. Its not like you don't have a plan normally. She just seems like a routines person who won't budge. My mum's very like that. Her days have been the same right from us being little. She never worked. She has never been a random last minute change person. If you ask her to do anything she gets in a flap. The most frustrating one was me trying to sort out a family member that I could definitely take my daughter too when I went into labour. My mum couldn't reassure me and say yes. She started saying I might be able to help or you can always ring auntie Jan in an emergency..... Auntie Jan is lovely but my daughter has seen her twice in a year and has never been to her house so that's no good at 2am. We ended up getting partner's mum an hour away to commit. But then my mum sulked. Anyway on the night labour started she went to my mum's afterall. My son was born in under 3 hours and we were going to be coming home. So I phoned her and said we will be home in a few hours. But then we had to stay in last minute and her reaction wasn't reassuring. My daughter was there 15 hours in total. But when my partner went to fetch her that evening my mum acted like she had been tortures. Moaning she was tired and stuff.

I think you will have to ignore her for now. Let her carry on moaning. She's been silly over a few weeks. Families should help in emergencies. X

I just think if my DM had a full time job how would she cope?

But she doesn't have one, and doesn't need or want one. Maybe she wouldn't cope so she has quite sensibly decided to take a different path in life.

She may be thinking the same about you - "I raised 2 kids without complaining, hell some people are single parents to five kids, so I don't know what rosegoldlily is fussing about, hope she doesn't get pregnant again, how would she cope".

Where is your child's father in all this?

It would be nice if she had a bit more empathy for you generally, and even nicer if she were happy to help.

As she clearly isn’t, have you tried a nanny for short hours like koru kids?