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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder how I can get him to be calm?

51 replies

OrangeLavenders · 06/08/2020 10:24

DS is almost 3. He needs a hair cut but the bottom line is, he won't remain still for it. He acts like he's being murdered, literally.

DH keeps bringing it up and threatening to cut his hair himself. Says he will take him to a barber when I'm not there or whatever, which I don't want. He will get his hair cut really short which I don't like on little boys. But he says it loads if times daily, his hair is shocking, etc etc. He won't let it drop.

A quick trim might be possible with a very very patient person but other than that he will be so distraught.

My mobile hair dresser messaged recently to say she's sorry but couldn't do my son's hair again. It took me, her, my SIL and niece to hold him down. Even then she still couldnt do a proper cut.

DS is autistic, non verbal and doesn't understand a basic sentence like 'we're going out today' so won't understand there's someone coming etc. He's very distressed by it all.

He's had a lot of medical trauma at Great Ormond Street Hospital so I suspect that doesn't help

Any tips? I'm tempted to just leave it for a while but if I do DH will either take him or attempt to cut it whilst he's sleeping

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 06/08/2020 10:25

If it upsets him that much do you really need it to be cut?

GreyishDays · 06/08/2020 10:27

What would be wrong with you cutting it while he’s sleeping?

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 06/08/2020 10:27

find a proper kids hairdresser, my dd hated having her hair cut til we did this.

The salon had all their chairs done up as racing cars, opals for the kids to watch/play on. Kind. Patient, gentle and absolutely lovely staff.

It coats more but honestly it is sooooo worth it

Original poster

OrangeLavenders · 06/08/2020 10:27

Shirley Meh, I'd let it go for a good while if it were up to me. But it's not. And DH is constantly nagging me. Which I'm half thankful for because if he wasn't he would be taking him himself immediately or doing it as he sleeps. He isn't joking

OP posts:

Original poster

OrangeLavenders · 06/08/2020 10:29

Greyish we aren't hair dressers. It's fairly a good head of hair so if you mess it up you'll see. Just like you can clearly see where a trained stylist wasn't able to give him a proper cut round the back etc

OP posts:

Nonotthisagain · 06/08/2020 10:29

If it's going to distress him that much I wouldn't do it. He's only three what does it matter.

blacktop · 06/08/2020 10:30

Search local groups for hairdressers/barbers that have the right experience. Sometimes it really is about the person doing the cut. Having someone come to the house and invade his safe space isn't really a good idea tbh, take him somewhere that is willing to take the time and knows how to deal with autistic children and hair cuts. He will respond to them in a different way to you do that could be helpful.

Ultimately though, a hair cut really isn't important.

namitynamechange · 06/08/2020 10:33

Does he let you brush his hair? Because if not then i can see it’s going to be an issue to let it grow longer. Otherwise, if he lets you brush it, can you convince him it’s like having his hair brushed? Or distract with an iPad?

namitynamechange · 06/08/2020 10:34

To be honest if you do it yourself and it looks a bit amateur it still doesn’t matter - he’s three!

Original poster

OrangeLavenders · 06/08/2020 10:35

namity it's so fine that there really isn't much to brush, it is almost knot free! No issues.

He basically has a long fringe swept to the side (that often falls down to his forehead), and hair just where his ears are and at the back. So a full head of hair but short

OP posts:

TCMcK · 06/08/2020 10:35

Where I live there are children’s hairdressers, where they let them watch want they want on a laptop & give them a snack, drink & have a toy area. If children become distressed they let them get down from the chair & cut their hair whilst they are distracted with the toys. Maybe something like this is available near to you?

aSofaNearYou · 06/08/2020 10:42

My step son is like this, he's 7 now and has never become less dramatic about it. He's now sporting a slightly shoddy haircut from my DP, because it was constantly in his eyes/making him get too hot and he refused to sit still and stop looking like he was about to he murdered. It's not dreadful though, personally I would just cut your son's fringe yourself regardless of how much you can tell a stylist didn't do it. He's 3, there's no need for that level of vanity, he just needs to be able to see.

Supersimkin2 · 06/08/2020 10:44

Not sure a salon would help. Home haircut; night 1, have a good look at what needs to come off while he's asleep. Night 2, chop.

Take off much more than you want to.

Original poster

OrangeLavenders · 06/08/2020 10:46

aSofa it isn't in his eyes

Super I don't want it 'chopped'. He looks really lovely with his hair style, it just needs trimming. If it's going to be chopped than I'd rather not do it at all

OP posts:

TwentyViginti · 06/08/2020 10:49

My mobile hair dresser messaged recently to say she's sorry but couldn't do my son's hair again. It took me, her, my SIL and niece to hold him down. Even then she still couldnt do a proper cut.
^^

So your husband wasn't there to see the level of trauma that ensued?

He may be in denial of how terrible an ordeal it was.

jillandhersprite · 06/08/2020 10:50

Only you can decide if this is the hill on which to take a stand against your husband.
Short hair is tidier day to day if you can't get knots and tangles brushed out each day. I dislike seeing knotted, tangles and little boys or girls. I know how bad my girls hair gets when loose and I religiously give it a brush morning and night.
If I decided I wanted it cut I would approach like we did with dentist - lots of preparing. If he doesn't like his hair being detangled - point out how easy it is for Daddy with short hair - it doesn't need to be brushed. How much easier swimming and hair washing will be. Point out favourite characters in stories with easy short hair - dress him up as the character - but the only thing that doesn't work is the hair - wouldn't it be nice and easy if it was short. Get some YouTube videos of those specialised kids hairdressers - how you sit in a car and get a tablet to play with. I'm guessing that he wouldn't understand bribery or big explanations so just keep positively pointing out short hair, how easy it is, how it can be done without too much touching.
Unfortunately I think you need your husband to understand this is a long game... Maybe even he has to take your son with him when he goes for his own haircuts, but without a distressing attempt to force him into the chair himself.
And it absolutely needs to be a hairdresser that is specialised in cutting autistic and uncooperative kids hair.
Now I've written all that out - I'm half tempted to say that's too much hassle and yes maybe it is something your husband has to recognise as impossible at this age but maybe can be revisited when your son can understand better...

NewtonPulsifer · 06/08/2020 10:55

My DS also with ASD was like this when he was 3. We found the right hairdresser for him, he watched me and his dad having our haircut, we used PECS to explain. Now and Next helped a lot. There are an increasing number of hairdressers who are trained in cutting kids with autistic spectrum condition’s hair, they are worth seeking out.

Really feel for you. As he is 3, it doesn’t matter what it looks like but it will help prepare him over time as he has his haircut.

Maybe contact your local council’s Autism Outreach Team, they might have some contacts for hairdressers, dentists etc.

Original poster

OrangeLavenders · 06/08/2020 10:56

jil Thank you. I know I haven't been very clear from my OP but his hair isn't actually long in length or knotty. It's lovely and silky smooth, never tangles and he allows it to be brushed (only need a baby brush, if that. It can be put perfectly into place with my fingers).

But unfortunately telling him things about short hair doesn't work. He has no understanding whatsoever about that. He doesn't understsnd simple phrases or requests. For example doesn't understand 'we are going swimming!' despite loving it.

He doesn't play with toys and has no interest in characters etc. Wouldn't understand peppa is a toy you can play with etc. Will just walk away

OP posts:

rabbitheadlights · 06/08/2020 10:57

Why is your husband bring so cruel? Why does he want to put your son through so much trauma? Does he understand the level of anxiety it causes? My DS is similar to yours in that he is autistic, non verbal and also has sensory processing disorder having his hair or nails cut causes him real anxiety, high heart rate, huge meltdowns, and genuine fear! I think to force a haircut would be at best cruel and at worst ....

rabbitheadlights · 06/08/2020 10:59

Do you have any outside support? Portage, peads? Would it help if they explained the level of anxiety to your husband ?

GabsAlot · 06/08/2020 11:00

why are people going on about toys and play areas we're in apandemic kids arent allowed to run round everywhere-i doubt any barbers would do it when hes that distressed anyway

why is it yor dh decision does he decide everything to do with your dc

Original poster

OrangeLavenders · 06/08/2020 11:01

rabbit I think he's being really unfair not to consider how this makes our son feel. It makes me feel panicky to think about putting him through all of this.

I hate to be dramatic but the worst procedure he has had was at Great Ormond Street just under a year ago. They put a tube into his penis whilst he was AWAKE and it took over 30 mins. I am very tough skinned but I felt as if I was letting someone torture him. It was barbaric, although necessary of course. I'm fed up of putting him through all of this shit. Fed up. And I do it all alone.

But in fairness DH is saying he is willing to take DS himself. I'm frightened because I know he wants all his hair taken off

OP posts:

Thislittlelady · 06/08/2020 11:08

Maybe post in medical ? See if some professionals can help? Have you asked his care provider/ dr/ support group for advice about this? Think your dh not really understanding the mental / psychological effect of him trying to push the issue with your son. Sorry I can’t help. Didn’t want to read and run. 💐

rabbitheadlights · 06/08/2020 11:17

orange I am very tough skinned but I felt as if I was letting someone torture him. It was barbaric, although necessary of course. I'm fed up of putting him through all of this shit. Fed up. And I do it all alone.

Believe me when I say I completely understand this ^ it's horrible, traumatic and makes me feel sick just thinking about it. My DS sounds so very similar to yours it's heartbreaking you can see the fear in their eyes! Someone up post asked if this Is a hill you are prepared to die on in relation to your husband and for me it definitely would be!

Does husband ever deal with/witness meltdowns? Does he have any idea of what you both go through?

Marahute · 06/08/2020 11:26

What's wrong with your husband that the length of your child's hair is more important to him than your child getting very distressed?

It's just hair and, as long as the length isn't bothering your son, then there is no issue IMO.

Is your husband worried that if he doesn't have it cut it will get "long" and then his penis will fall off? I can't think why else he would have such a bee in his bonnet about uncut hair on a (very) little boy?!

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