To wonder how I can get him to be calm?

[OrangeLavenders]

DS is almost 3. He needs a hair cut but the bottom line is, he won't remain still for it. He acts like he's being murdered, literally.

DH keeps bringing it up and threatening to cut his hair himself. Says he will take him to a barber when I'm not there or whatever, which I don't want. He will get his hair cut really short which I don't like on little boys. But he says it loads if times daily, his hair is shocking, etc etc. He won't let it drop.

A quick trim might be possible with a very very patient person but other than that he will be so distraught.

My mobile hair dresser messaged recently to say she's sorry but couldn't do my son's hair again. It took me, her, my SIL and niece to hold him down. Even then she still couldnt do a proper cut.

DS is autistic, non verbal and doesn't understand a basic sentence like 'we're going out today' so won't understand there's someone coming etc. He's very distressed by it all.

He's had a lot of medical trauma at Great Ormond Street Hospital so I suspect that doesn't help

Any tips? I'm tempted to just leave it for a while but if I do DH will either take him or attempt to cut it whilst he's sleeping

why are you alone with procedures des he not come to any-why is he so obsessed with his hair

I feel your pain OP. My DS is now 15 severely autistic, non verbal and is still exactly the same about having his hair cut, I could be murdering him to hear him scream!

My DH also wants to get the clippers on DS's hair but that will happen over my dead body!

Does your DS like having a bath?

The only way we can do it now is cutting it when he is in the bath. The noise of the water swishing deadens the sound of the scissors and it also helps to play music they like.

It's the same with nails. We always do them as soon as he gets out of the bath as they are softer and he is more relaxed.

The biggest thing that helps is explaining to him WELL in advance that it is hair cut time and by that I mean days........

That way he is prepared and knows it is going to happen.

Following all those tips religiously has helped enormously and I hope they might help you too!

Good luck!

PS: We have got to do both hair and nails later as he is going into hospital tomorrow for an op (finally!!!) and we have been telling him what is going to happen for about 10 days now.

I also meant to say that DH and I do a proceedure each and maintain it EVERY time. Mum Cuts hair, Dad cuts nails.

That really helps too!

rabbit Sorry you've had to experience similar

He doesn't really know what a meltdown looks like when he's scared and in pain. Because he's never seen it I don't think. I take him to all appointments etc. DH insists he can't get time off work. But won't take holidays for any of it

DS is relatively fuss free and doesn't really tantrum much, so DH has never seen the fear I have. But his sister has, she was there at his last cut and she was amazed

Pisses me off because he doesn't have 'girly hair'. It is just a full head of short hair. But DH doesn't like it. If you saw the cut on a girl you'd think it was short!

It might sound awful - but how about you let DH take him for a haircut?

Bet once he's witnessed the reaction and had to deal with it all by himself with no sympathy from you, he'll be fine with DS having longer hair and will STFU about manliness and other such related bullshit.

In your position I think I'd call it with DH "as DS primary care giver and the one who deals with these things on a daily basis, attends appointments and more to the point knows ds and how he will react far better than DH then this is not his call to make"

My DS is is very fond of a particular "pink" dummy and DP hates it I think he thinks you can catch "the gay" or "the girl" or something it's ridiculous!! A few times he's tried to take it away from him but now is under no illusion to cause D's trauma unless it's absolutely necessary i.e medical etc is absolutely not going to stand but it got to the point of me showing him the door and telling him to feel free to use it! X

@MitziK I almost suggested that but knowing what DS will go through I couldn't suggest it, it's a really hard one because I don't doubt it would shock/scare OP's DH but I think the cost to DS is too high

@OrangeLavenders is DH open to trying to understand DS and his reactions to things? I have a 12 page leaflet I can email to you if you think it would help? It's called "MAKING SENSE OF SENSORY"

Does he have other sensory issues at all? I only ask because my eldest was and still is the same with hair cuts. When he was younger, under five, it used to take three adults to get his hair cut, one to cut, one to hold him still and stroke his hands and one to hold a towel over his eyes because he hated the feel of the hair falling over his face. Our hairdressers were amazing with him and used to book us in during their lunch hour when they were closed and turn the music off so that it was very quiet.

He's eight now and not as bad as he was, but DH has to cut his hair during lockdown as his appointment in April was cancelled and by July he was crying because his fringe was touching his face. Honestly, the whole neighbourhood could hear him screaming. Luckily I'd prewarned our neighbours and they know him well anyway.

His issue with his hair was just one of the signs of his ADHD and SPD. On its own I'd have dismissed it, but looking back it was very obviously part of the larger picture.

Would he tolerate it being done in stages over a few days?

[quote rabbitheadlights]@MitziK I almost suggested that but knowing what DS will go through I couldn't suggest it, it's a really hard one because I don't doubt it would shock/scare OP's DH but I think the cost to DS is too high[/quote]
Bearing in mind the OP's description of her DS's understanding, I don't mean this cruelly, but I don't think there would be any significant long term cost to the poor child.

It's important that the father also experiences the reactions, as there could be an occasion where he has to be present during emergency medical procedures - and finding out for the first time would be so much harder when the child is much older/larger.

A friend has a son who needed emergency surgery repeatedly and the father had no idea exactly what was involved until she was in hospital herself. He changed his attitude towards her after that, as he'd always been very much 'get on with it, stop making such a fuss' and had absented himself from anything because 'it couldn't be that bad/I'm not taking time off work'.

Sometimes people do need to see and experience something to truly understand it and I think that when it's something that is absolutely unnecessary and will not be remembered by the child, it's an opportunity to learn.

@MitziK a fair point, well made.

I'm sorry OP, it seems you have more of a DH problem than a DS problem (not to play down the ASD meltdowns, I just find you DH's attitude very troubling)

I honestly feel you would be better off gently trimming you DS hair with scissors as he sleeps. I did that with mine when they were little, as they found hairdressers scary (you should also have seen the drama when rincing off shampoo! I just gave up shampoo entirely for a few years... And they didn't have ASD, just normal pre-schoolers!)

Let your dh take him to the hairdresser. It sounds like he doesnt think your ds will give him a hard time.so let him. And then he will find out its an impossible task and not bother you with it again :p

And then after that ordeal just let your ds grow out his hair. Why make him so distressed every time for something so little as hair.

Before posters come on bashing my point, I am the parent of an ASD 18yr old, the step parent of an ASD 26yr old and I have worked in several residential care settings with ASD children and am qualified as such, so I'm not speaking from an ignorant perspective. ( not an all knowing one either !)

ASD or not, getting his hair cut is a basic thing, like sitting at a table, eating with cutlery, getting dressed, walking calmly etc.
It is something he cannot avoid for the rest of his life, so it's something he's just going to have to get used to. I'm afraid leaving it longer between cuts is actually worse, as there's no 'routine' for him to get used to.

I'd also advise you to let go of the ''I don't like short haircuts'' idea, as it's more important what haircut will be easier and quicker to do for your son going forward. ( he's much more likely to be hurt by scissors than clippers for example)

I'd recommend picking a barber, have a chat with them so you can explain the issues your son has, and arrange an appointment for a quieter time.
I'd also recommend that it is your DH who takes him, this time, and every time afterwards, so he can start a 'routine'. E.g every 6 weeks, your DH, DC (and anyone else he'd need, but NOT you), your DH gets his hair cut, then your DS gets his hair cut.

I've said 'not you' going for the haircuts as you are probably already overly emotional about this subject, and therefore more likely to 'cave in' when he gets upset, which only makes it harder for everyone concerned.
For example, would get children arrive at residential school who wouldn't sit at a table. At the school, EVERY meal was eaten at a table. It took less that 2 days usually, with calm perseverance, repeatedly taking away their food and waiting for the meltdown to subside, then getting them back to the table to begin again, before they would sit at the table for the duration of the meal.
These were all non verbal, extreme end of ASD kids. It IS HARD, and the less emotional you can be, the quicker the change happens.

I wish you all the very best for you and your DC. x

@updownroundandround

Before posters come on bashing my point, I am the parent of an ASD 18yr old, the step parent of an ASD 26yr old and I have worked in several residential care settings with ASD children and am qualified as such, so I'm not speaking from an ignorant perspective. ( not an all knowing one either !)

ASD or not, getting his hair cut is a basic thing, like sitting at a table, eating with cutlery, getting dressed, walking calmly etc.
It is something he cannot avoid for the rest of his life, so it's something he's just going to have to get used to. I'm afraid leaving it longer between cuts is actually worse, as there's no 'routine' for him to get used to.

I'd also advise you to let go of the ''I don't like short haircuts'' idea, as it's more important what haircut will be easier and quicker to do for your son going forward. ( he's much more likely to be hurt by scissors than clippers for example)

I'd recommend picking a barber, have a chat with them so you can explain the issues your son has, and arrange an appointment for a quieter time.
I'd also recommend that it is your DH who takes him, this time, and every time afterwards, so he can start a 'routine'. E.g every 6 weeks, your DH, DC (and anyone else he'd need, but NOT you), your DH gets his hair cut, then your DS gets his hair cut.

I've said 'not you' going for the haircuts as you are probably already overly emotional about this subject, and therefore more likely to 'cave in' when he gets upset, which only makes it harder for everyone concerned.
For example, would get children arrive at residential school who wouldn't sit at a table. At the school, EVERY meal was eaten at a table. It took less that 2 days usually, with calm perseverance, repeatedly taking away their food and waiting for the meltdown to subside, then getting them back to the table to begin again, before they would sit at the table for the duration of the meal.
These were all non verbal, extreme end of ASD kids. It IS HARD, and the less emotional you can be, the quicker the change happens.

I wish you all the very best for you and your DC. x

Why is haircutting a 'basic' thing? In the case of OP's child, it's purely to be seen to conform to Western notions of masculinity, as though the child would be seen as 'gay' or 'girly' to have longer hair.

By the sounds of it, this child is not going to have any notions of sexuality or gender identity, so why force him to conform just so a Man feels better?

There is a technique where you can hard brush the child's arms to desensitize them from light touch. Never tried it myself but worked wonders apparently for one mum & child at the ASC parent support group I used to go to. (ds2 has now solved the problem by cutting his hair himself!!!)

@MitziK I'd assume that this isn't based on gender stereotypes, and I'm making an assumption here - but if I had an autistic child with sensory issues (boy or girl) I'd assume that a shorter style will be so much easier than a long style that involves more complex washing / drying and brushing needs. Not to mention if it gets longer it's likely to go in his eyes and face when playing and he may not tolerate hairbands. I'd therefore agree a haircut is a necessity

It isn't in his face and doesn't require any complex brushing etc. It dries all smooth and in place. It's very much still very fine baby hair in texture

OP I agree with you now and it sounds like he has an absolutely gorgeous head of hair. I'm agreeing primarily with a previous poster who said that haircuts long term are a necessity. Not in terms of gender conforming, but I'd imagine long term his hair will bother him and the complex needs of washing brushing and plaiting / hair ties may be day to day more traumatic than a 6 week buzz cut

It sounds a little as both you and your DH have fixed ideas about DC haircuts which are getting in the way of sorting out the situation.

Your DH appears to favor short haircuts and would therefore be okay with cutting during the night or shaving but struggles with boys having long fringes.

OP you have the exact opposite problem.

In the future your dc is likely to need some kind of haircut, even dc like mine with long hair do sometimes so you need to stop squabbling over hairstyles and try and reach a compromise agreement that is going to work for your son.

Trimming while he is asleep might be sensible, hair always grows back and it is a compromise between the two adults that wouldn't distress the dc.

What area are you in OP?

Op, you need to let go of what type of hair cut you prefer, as does your dh. I have a son like yours and we tried everything, pinning him down, lovely posh child friendly places,trimming it at night and trying to grow it long enough to tie back. They all failed.

Now my husband does it. We started having to pin him down and get ready with the talc to remove bits of cut hair from his neck etc but now he can just about stand it (he's 10).

I don't think I'm your position there is anything to fall out about. Let dh give it a go (he'll be shocked at how impossible it is) or take him to a salon on his own (he probably won't even get ds as far as sitting in the chair).

Your dh should be walking this journey with you and helping to carry the load.

You shouldn't have to do this on your own

I have a mobile hairdresser come to do mine and DS'. She's got a little boy the same age and is good with him. DS sits on a chair in the kitchen and watches the iPad. Snacks aren't too practical as they get hairy !

I did in lockdown do it myself with number 8 on clipper all over and then did 4 at the sides, locked fine, shorter than I'd normally do but meant it lasted ages.

Oh wow we are the same, my son is now 5 and such a sweet nature's big but TERRIFIED of haidressers. Eventually we got a mobile one to come to the house and while she gently snipped away he sat watching numberblocks on the telly while strapped into his old booster chair for height and stability. Even then he didn't love it but there were no tantrums and screaming with fear as he was at home and distracted

@OrangeLavenders

Check out this website:

autismbarbersassemble.nearcut.com/

You might be able to find someone who specialises in haircuts for children with autism, like this guy:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/amp/uk-wales-39502366

His name is James Williams.

Best of luck! With the right approach your son should be able to get a haircut without feeling distressed