Has anyone overcome toilet anxiety?

[Dollycarton81]

I've posted about this before but am feeling at my wits end at the minute. I have suffered with toilet anxiety for years now. It's an intense fear of going anywhere or doing anything and not having an accessible toilet nearby. During lockdown when toilets have been limited (and still are in some places) it's gotten much worse and it's now a real struggle for me to go anywhere which is causing me a lot of guilt as I want to take my kids places during the holidays but am limited as to where we can go. Rural areas, long car journeys, the beach are all problems. Even going into town I'm constantly thinking about where the nearest loo is and the anxiety makes the urgency of needing to go much worse.

I have decided to start a course of cbt and my therapist has mentioned exposure therapy which I feel sceptical about. I'm trying to stay open minded and hopeful about conquering this and being able to live a normal life. I just wanted to hear if anyone else has experienced his and managed to overcome it? If so, what worked for you?

I have bowel issues and actually got myself a fold up toilet. It’s called “Bivvy Loo” and was made initially for fishermen but goodness it’s been a life saver for me since lockdown with not many public toilets open. I travel a lot for work, so have it in the back of my work van and I wouldn’t be without it now. Especially as where it’s so collapsible you can take it out and about with you

Hi,
My partner suffers horrendously with toilet anxiety and has been having hypnotherapy. How is your CBT going? X

I can share a positive story but it might not help everyone. I had this problem for a lot of years. I feel like it ruined my life as a parent of young kids and had a real impact on them as well as me as it stopped me from doing so many things. I honestly thought it was going to ruin my marriage at some points.

After a LOT of soul searching and counselling, I truly believe this was a symptom of something else. I had counselling around a very stressful job and self esteem issues and for the last 3 years the toilet thing has completely gone.

I’m sorry if this doesn’t seem helpful but I promise I know how horrible this feels. I can still remember all the anxiety and humiliation I felt at times. If there is the slightest possibility that you have some unresolved issues Id definitely recommend some counselling if you can access it

@PhoboPhobia

I can share a positive story but it might not help everyone. I had this problem for a lot of years. I feel like it ruined my life as a parent of young kids and had a real impact on them as well as me as it stopped me from doing so many things. I honestly thought it was going to ruin my marriage at some points.

After a LOT of soul searching and counselling, I truly believe this was a symptom of something else. I had counselling around a very stressful job and self esteem issues and for the last 3 years the toilet thing has completely gone.

I’m sorry if this doesn’t seem helpful but I promise I know how horrible this feels. I can still remember all the anxiety and humiliation I felt at times. If there is the slightest possibility that you have some unresolved issues Id definitely recommend some counselling if you can access it

Would you recommend your counsellor? Do you have a name and website details please x

I have the same bowel urgency as many others on here and can never work out the chicken and egg dilemma: is it psychological or physiological. If I'm very near a loo, with no obstruction (I.e. I wouldn't have to queue, easy access), I'm fine, don't need it. The slightest challenge and all he'll breaks loose.

It affects the jobs I've taken and activities I will/won't do. Travel by car is relatively sorted as I have a camping loo with me always, seats that fold down and tinted windows. If I didn't, I'd be housebound, and it's only this solution that's helped me through the lockdown loo shortage.

Immodium isn't much used to me now as I've taken so much of it over the years. It at least stops diarrhoea by hardening stools but it doesn't stop the urge. OCD has made the issue worse as I often visit the loo anywhere and everywhere just to check that I don't need to go.

During truly anxiety inducing occasions I have worn adult nappies; they offer a little peace of mind but they're also the last taboo, so I still stress over soiling myself. I sometimes think that one day I should allow it to happen, so that the fear of it happening goes away. Because, just like that therapist said earlier, it's embarrassing but I wouldn't die. If it took away the exhausting nervous energy that fills many of my waking hours, it would probably be worth it.

My family is used to me, though it affects them too when I won't do something/go somewhere because there won't be a loo (like a nice walk) or when they're left in a shop queue to pay for shopping because I've buggered off to go to the loo. Once I know I need to go (because I literally get seconds before I do 'go') Usain Bolt has nothing on me. It ought to be an Olympic sport.

I truly hope you find what works for you, OP, as it's a miserable existence.

I had several surgeries for colo-rectal cancer 30 years ago, which together with IBS made me partially incontinent and extremely anxious and worried about going out. Five years ago I started taking Imodium, I have a double dose the night before going anywhere and top up with the instants if I am still worried. I also wear Tena pants, just in case, but have never pooped myself since, and the anxiety around it has disappeared. I would not travel on a coach though.

I've suffered with this phobia for nearly 20 years 😭

Op what about practical solutions. Could you invest in something like the below and have in a footwell of your car? A bit of thinking about screening ths windows etc but I wonder if simply knowing it's there would help.

www.amazon.co.uk/Thetford-92806-Porta-Portable-Toilet/dp/B0056PS6SM/ref=asc_df_B0056PS6SM/?hvlocphy=9046070&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310879577477&hvpone&hvlocint&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-563127929014&hvrand=840101874015867571

Or (I know this is child size but could be portable to squat over behind bushes for a rural walk etc....I have one for my toddler but have had to use it myself once! ).

www.amazon.co.uk/My-Carry-Potty-Training-Expert/dp/B07PDQM9ZF/ref=asc_df_B07PDQM9ZF/?hvlocphy=9046070&hvlocphy=9046070&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvnetw=g&hvadid=430901807263&hvadid=430901807263&hvpone&hvpone&hvlocint&hvlocint&ref&hvpos&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-826840975611&hvtargid=pla-826840975611&hvrand=840101874015867571&hvrand=840101874015867571&adgrpid=105482963652

Believe me I have considered it!!! I do take a bucket on a long car journey though.

You know, OP, I am really grateful that you started this thread. I have this but with my bladder. Like others, if I know there is a loo I am fine, but if I am not sure, I get v anxious. I used to feel v alone but now I know I am not. And that really helps. So thank you.

I’d really encourage anybody struggling with this to look for counselling support. CBT can really help with managing the symptoms-controlling the anxiety /panic. Longer term talking therapy can then get to the root of the anxiety and see that it is often a ‘twisted’ way of protecting us from something-some exposure of a vulnerability… if the therapy can help spend some time on that root fear, the anxiety can begin to ‘stand down’ a little, to not need so urgently to protect. It sounds weird but therapy will help ‘embrace’, welcome and be compassionate towards the anxiety and thus start to let it rest.

Hey,

This is something I've struggled with since I was about 10 - so for 20 years now! I don't have a physical issue, but whenever I'm feeling a bit anxious I need the loo. This transformed into an issue of its own, and I'd need the loo in assembly, in class, in exams, at the dinner table etc - basically places where I felt it was hard to escape.

But I knew it was never anything physical, because I knew if I actually WENT to the loo, I wouldn't need to go, or if I could go home I'd be fine.

I also avoid(ed) days out, meals out, visits to family etc because of it. They don't have a clue why, and just think I don't want to spend time with them, which is heartbreaking for me, but I just can't tell them the truth.

I started on Sertraline in January and it has improved things. Things aren't perfect by any means, but it's helped me to think things through and get my worries into perspective. I wonder, have you ever thought about seeing your doctor for anxiety meds? I'm only on the lowest dose as well (50mg) that they'll prescribe, but it's made such a difference, and my whole mood has shifted.

I feel your pain. In this hot weather I can’t leave the house in shorts or a skirt because of the fear of soiling myself and it running down my legs. At least with trousers you can hide it to a degree.

The root cause of my issue definitely isn’t psychological because I have soiled myself at home when I’ve been perfectly calm. Sometimes it just comes with no warning at all. I’ve got an IBS diagnosis. But what good is that? It doesn’t help me.

For long journeys I take Imodium but I don’t think it’s good for your system to take it all the time so I try to keep it to a minimum. I also wear a thick pad and take a change of clothes and wipes in a large handbag. Knowing I can change if the worst happens does help.

What I will say is it has happened a couple of times. And it wasn’t the end of the world. To be blunt the pad caught most of it (so I definitely would recommend that). I managed to get to a loo, clean up and all was fine. I became housebound for several months when it all started and I decided I couldn’t live like that. I like to travel and see new places and I wasn’t prepared to miss out on that. So yes, I’ve had the worst happen but only a couple of times in what has been hundreds of trips out. And I survived. You would too if it happened. When you can really believe that it helps a lot.

I also could have written your post myself (sadly). Traffic jams are a particular trigger, but the fear also extends to anywhere I know there won't be a toilet - country walks, boat trips, going on a plane before they turn the seatbelt signs off etc. Like others have said, Immodium does help sometimes, but not always.

Thanks so much for starting the thread as it does help to know there are others out there. It's a confusing problem as on the one hand I know that the thought that I need to go to the toilet is 'in my head', the physical reaction that thought causes is totally real.

Watching with interest if the CBT works for you. Best of luck and really hope it helps.

I don’t know if this will be of any help, but here goes.

I’ve never had toilet anxiety myself but I was a late bedwetter (right into Secondary school).

I have a lifelong friend who has always had toilet anxiety and would need to go in one every time she passed one. I think it was caused by having accidents at school when we were small.

She was the only school friend I ever told that I wet the bed and we have always been close.

A few years ago she confided in me that if she’s going somewhere she might not have access to a toilet, she always wears a pair of Tena type pants and this really relieves her of the physical symptoms of her anxiety.

She has only needed to use them the once, and they worked, but just having them on takes away the stress.

I’m not sure it’s healthy to use them as a psychological crutch in this way, but it works for her.

I’ve always had a real anxiety about the loo. Can’t leave a building without going just as I leave, can’t really pass one without going, especially if someone else goes. Can’t leave the house without going right at the very last moment, no can I go to sleep without going at the last possible moment.

I think it’s all anxiety with me rather than an over active bladder, although I do get the feeling of needing to go often. I always able to go if I want to.

I think it’s to do with my Mum potty training is very young - my brother is similar - and always saying “last minute wee, last minute wee” before we went out or to bed.

I’m not sure it’s healthy to use them as a psychological crutch in this way

I was concerned about this when I started doing things like wearing pads so I understand your point. But ultimately what does it matter? It’s a completely harmless crutch. But the peace of mind it gives is enormous. In an ideal world we’d all be able to merrily go on our way never worrying about these things, but unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.

@Meruem

I’m not sure it’s healthy to use them as a psychological crutch in this way

I was concerned about this when I started doing things like wearing pads so I understand your point. But ultimately what does it matter? It’s a completely harmless crutch. But the peace of mind it gives is enormous. In an ideal world we’d all be able to merrily go on our way never worrying about these things, but unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.

That’s a good point actually.

I didn’t say so to my friend (I didn’t want to hurt her feelings) but wondered whether being dependent on something for peace of mind was like a tobacco or alcohol need.

She said that the one and only time that they were needed (she had a UTI) though it was stressful at the time actually reaffirmed that they worked and she could feel safe in them.

I suppose that has to be worth the cost and hassle if it alleviates deep rooted stress…